A Mardi Gras Drinking Game for Parents

Mardi Gras Drinking Game for parents

Today’s post comes at a perfect time for my Mobile and New Orleans friends – and many others who celebrate Mardi Gras. We’re deep in the “throws” (hehe) of it right now and I can back up everything my friend, Annie, has written below. You just can’t get through the parades without a good drinking […]

Getting Sick Is The Worst

Getting sick is the worst. Our family started off school season strong but in the last few weeks, several of us have fallen prey to various bugs. Poor Asher caught what seemed to be the same stomach virus twice and I was throwing my guts up last night. Too much information? Well anyway, cough and […]

How Becoming a Parent Turned Me From An Extrovert Into an Introvert

How Parenting Turned Me From An Extrovert to an Introvert - @toulousentonic

Before I had kids, there was no one who would describe me as anything other than an extrovert. I went out all the time, I was social as could be, sometimes I even danced on tables if I’d had enough juice. But then becoming a parent turned me from an extrovert into an introvert. The […]

More Sexy Halloween Costumes For Moms

Sexy Halloween Costumes for Moms - @toulousentonic

We know. You’ve spent all your time getting your little goblins and ghosts ready for Halloween and now you have nothing to wear yourself! And even worse, you’ll have to watch half the other women parade around as Sexy Pandas and Naughty Nurses while you sit in the house with the lights off because you’ve […]

I Want To Go Back To College. And I Want To Be 18.

I Wanna Go Back To College and I want to be 18 again - @toulousentonic

I’m having this huge battle with the green-eyed monster lately. Well, I exaggerate. It’s not a huge battle but it’s at least a small one. There may not be guns or I dunno, cannons involved, more like one person has a spoon and the other has a feather duster and they’re just kind of slapping each […]

Funniest Moms On The Internet, Volume 6

Funniest Mom Blogs on the Internet in One Place

It’s time for the next edition of my roundup of the funniest moms on the internet. I’ve been scouring the www collecting the most hilarious posts for you and here are the ones that stood out in the unbearable heat of summer. Find a seat in the shade and get to reading, and maybe put on some Depends. It’s gonna […]

Daddy’s Parenting Wisdom

Leave your boys with your husband and 3 things will happen:

This post was actually written 2 years ago but my  husband’s wisdom stands the test of time. Read it and weep (with laughter). This past weekend, I left my husband and the boys here to fend for themselves while I went to BlogU.  To their credit, I barely heard from them the entire time I […]

Wedgie Fit Jeans are a Thing Now. But Why?

Levi's Wedgie Fit Jeans are a thing now. But WHY?

Levi’s now makes  wedgie fit jeans. And that’s not just how people are referring to them because of how they fit – they are made that way ON PURPOSE and even CALLED Wedgie Fit. They come with a high waist, a wedgie and tapered legs. So basically, Mom Jeans are actually in style. I almost […]

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A Mardi Gras Drinking Game for Parents

Today’s post comes at a perfect time for my Mobile and New Orleans friends – and many others who celebrate Mardi Gras. We’re deep in the “throws” (hehe) of it right now and I can back up everything my friend, Annie, has written below. You just can’t get through the parades without a good drinking game when there are children involved. Just maybe don’t drink so much you lose them. I can tell you from experience, it’s reeealllly easy when you have a dasher like I do. Anyway, I sometimes call Annie a better version of myself when it comes to my kind of humor so I thought you’d like to hear from her. Be sure to like this post and let her know you appreciate it. Maybe she’ll write some more.

Mardi Gras Drinking Game for parentsby Annie Strange

It goes without saying that everything changes after having kids – and that’s especially true for Mardi Gras. In fact, just yesterday my husband and I were reminiscing of our pre-children days.

“What would we be doing right now, before kids?” he said to me. I thought for a second and I said “well, it’s a non-parade day, so we’d probably be hungover from the night before…or still drinking”.

Before kids, there is so much time and space for debauchery, you easily lose yourself to the magic of the parade. After kids, of course there’s still fun to be had, but you also get to watch your kids’ eyes light up as each float rolls by, throwing magical beads, moonpies, and stuffed animals from heaven (usually from a dumpster – no REALLY – read this).

The hardest part though? The waiting. You want to get to a parade early enough for a spot on a barricade, but not so early that you burn out chasing your children before it even begins. For this, I’ve created a drinking game to help pass the time. Make sure you have plenty of beers or a large cocktail on hand, because this will certainly put you in the Mardi Gras spirit!

MardiGrashorsesThe rules are simple: just take a sip (or shot if you’re feeling crazy) whenever:

 Your child whines for a cheap light up toy for sale

 You or your child has to use a heavily soiled port-o- potty

 You or your child eats a food on a stick

 A motorcycle drives by

 Someone jumps the barricade

 Your kid asks when the parade is coming

MardiGrasvendorTwo sips/shots whenever:

 You lose a child

 A horse shits in the street

 Your child gets stuck in the barricade

 You see someone pre-beading

 Your kid gets in a fight over a spot on the barricade (extra sip if they’re fighting an adult)

 Your child tries to eat an old, smashed moonpie from the previous night’s parade

DirtyBeargraphicFinally, down a whole beer whenever you see someone walking around, confused, still in their tux/ball

gown from the night before. That person is winning at Mardi Gras. And now, so are you!

Be sure to share this game with every struggling parent along the route. And of course, make sure to

drink and parent responsibly (perhaps ask your babysitter to come along).

Subscribe to get every new post in your inbox and follow along on facebook for laughs all day long!

Getting Sick Is The Worst

Getting sick is the worst. Our family started off school season strong but in the last few weeks, several of us have fallen prey to various bugs. Poor Asher caught what seemed to be the same stomach virus twice and I was throwing my guts up last night. Too much information?

Well anyway, cough and cold season is here, and I’m teaming up with Boogie Wipes and Saline Soothers to help you and your family feel better faster with a Cough & Cold Giveaway.

When Kids Get Sick

From the first sniffle to feeling downright sick, Boogie Wipes has tips, tricks and hacks to guide you through the entire cough and cold season (including great information on how to keep germs from spreading between siblings!)

Click here to read through their cough and cold survival guide and be prepared for the season.

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When YOU Get Sick

It’s bad enough when your kids aren’t feeling well, but when you aren’t feeling well, it’s downright miserable. While there’s no cure for the common cold, Saline Soothers Nose Wipes provide soothing comfort for sore noses with Natural Saline, Vitamin E, Aloe and Chamomile.

Click here to learn more about Saline Soothers and grab a coupon.

where-to-purchase

It All Comes Down to Saline

Whether you reach for Saline Soothers or grab your kids’ Boogie Wipes, it all comes down to Natural Saline. The Natural Saline in both products dissolves mucus, while the Vitamin E, Aloe and Chamomile soothe and comfort even the most sensitive skin. Click here to learn more about the benefits of all-natural saline.

Enter to Win!

Stock up on your cough and cold supplies so you’re ready when sickness strikes this season. Complete the form below to enter to win! (Click here to enter if you do not see the form.)

One winner will be randomly chosen to receive Boogie Wipes, Saline Soothers, Burt’s Bees cough drops, Purell hand sanitizer, DavidsTea Cold 911 tea and color-changing mug, plus a $100 Target gift card.

Giveaway ends on Monday, November 21, 2016 at 11:59 pm ET. Giveaway is open to residents in US and Canada over the age of 18. If winner lives in Canada, alternate gift card will be provided of same value.

How Becoming a Parent Turned Me From An Extrovert Into an Introvert

Before I had kids, there was no one who would describe me as anything other than an extrovert. I went out all the time, I was social as could be, sometimes I even danced on tables if I’d had enough juice. But then becoming a parent turned me from an extrovert into an introvert.

How Parenting Turned Me From An Extrovert to an Introvert - @toulousentonicThe truth of the matter is that there has always been an introvert hidden inside me. As outgoing as I might seem, the side of me who needs to go back home, be alone and refuel after being with people has always existed. It’s just that before kids, I had the energy to go out and be social because alone (refueling) time was so plentiful to me.

I could say no to any number of invitations and read a book instead. I could use an entire Sunday (after going out Friday and Saturday nights) to watch a Sex and the City marathon and just chill and recharge.

Now I have two little people who need me all the time. Pretty much 24/7. They’re always in my space – in fact I have no space I can claim that they will not come into, including the bathroom. They say mom and mommy and mama at a rate and velocity that would drive Gandhi bat-shit crazy. They need, need, need something all. The. Time. Their voices (and their fighting) ring in my ears constantly. Parenting is chaos and chaos is draining.

What I’ve found is that parenting is the quickest way to convert someone with plenty of extroverted tendencies into an introvert. My energy is always sucked dry and so the amount of time and energy I have to be social is practically nonexistent. I just feel completely drained.

It’s not your fault. It’s not that I don’t want to be around you. It’s that I need to carve out some time and space to be alone and do whatever recharges me. And that’s really, really hard right now while my kids are young. I don’t have free time. I have to MAKE it, and that often means saying no to going out or hanging out.

I had no understanding of this when my first child (now 9) was a baby and toddler. I just couldn’t understand why it was so hard for me. Why I felt so drained all the time. And I think my husband was very confused because he didn’t think I was the person he’d married anymore. Where were the nights out drinking and laughing with friends? Where were the drunken game nights at home? Where was the desire to even invite people over?

Gone, that’s where. Gobbled up by parenting. That’s how parenting turned me from an extrovert to an introvert.

It was only recently that I realized having introverted tendencies was what made parenting harder for me than for some others. I don’t get energy from socializing, from being around people, from being needed – in fact, quite the opposite.

By the time my son would go down for his nap, I would just collapse in a chair – too drained to do all the housework, blogging work, phone calls and other things that needed to be done.

My head buzzed with anxiety and panic from hearing mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy all the time. From being needed all the time. From being WITH someone all the time.

I hope it goes without saying that I love these two boys more than anyone on the face of the earth. But I think it’s important to draw the distinction between parenting as an extrovert and parenting as an introvert. It can help some of us stop feeling so guilty and like something is wrong with us.

In fact, I highly recommend these two books. I’m reading them right now and they really help you understand (for yourself and for your introverted children) how underutilized the power of introverted people is because our society puts so much emphasis on the extroverted personality type. Both are very interesting and very useful. I have an introverted child so I’m reading these for myself and for him.

To be fair, I’m probably more of an ambivert than an introvert (falling somewhere closer to the middle) but parenting has slid (or rather dumped) me down the scale towards the introverted side because I have so little time and space to refuel. I hope I’ll be able to inch back to the middle as my kids get older.

It’s been hard now that I have two boys to realize that it’s okay to feel this way. It’s part of my nature. Being with other people as an introvert is giving to those people. While it can be very pleasant and even fun, it drains something out of you while the extrovert next to you (my husband) is getting energy from the interaction.

So I just wanted to say to you introverted moms, who are suffering and wondering what’s wrong with you and why parenting is so hard for you – this is it. I haven’t solved the problem but I do have some suggestions that I TRY to follow and you can too.

1. I try to take the 30 minutes before my kids come home from preschool/school all to myself. I don’t always do this successfully because often I’m frantically trying to finish something, but when I do manage to do it, the rest of the afternoon with the kids goes much more smoothly because I’ve recharged a bit and now I can do homework with them, catch up on their days, separate them during fights and make dinner without totally losing my shit. And I hate losing my shit.

2. Don’t be afraid to say no to social events. I hate hurting peoples’ feelings by saying no but the truth of the matter is that I know my limits. If I’m as drained as I am, I’m going to come to your event with a sour face and have little to say. Then what kind of impression am I going to leave? I’ve been at events before that I felt pressured to attend and I’ve literally had to escape to the bathroom and chill out until someone knocks on the door. #introvertproblems
Just remember, the kids will get older, it will get easier and you will be able to find the energy to go back out again.

3. Explain this to family and friends. Tell them what it means to be an introvert. Most people thinks it means you’re shy. It doesn’t. I think if more people understood that it’s about how you get your energy, they would be more understanding, and maybe even try to help. Maybe grandma would grab those babies a little more often and take them to a movie so you could have a little time to not only wash the clothes and clean the kitchen but even curl up and read a book for 45 minutes uninterrupted. Doesn’t that sound amazing?

So that’s how parenting turned me from an extrovert into an introvert. I’m hoping to slide back to the middle sometime soon as my kids are getting older – and I try really hard to give as much as I can now socially, because I do want to see friends and I do want to go out with my husband (who could go out every single night, seriously). It’s all about finding some kind of balance. I haven’t found it yet, but at least I understand more about why I feel off-balance and some ways I can help make it a little easier.

Did you like this post? I’m planning to write more about parenting as an introvert so stay around. Subscribe so you’ll get new posts in your inbox (no more than 1 or 2 per week). Then follow on your choice of social media. See the little buttons to the right? Join me on as many as you like. Stalkers always welcome.

*post contains affiliate links. If you purchase something, I may make a small percentage which helps to keep this FREE blog operational. Thank you!

More Sexy Halloween Costumes For Moms

We know. You’ve spent all your time getting your little goblins and ghosts ready for Halloween and now you have nothing to wear yourself! And even worse, you’ll have to watch half the other women parade around as Sexy Pandas and Naughty Nurses while you sit in the house with the lights off because you’ve already eaten all your candy yourself. Well, no more. If everyone else gets a sexy Halloween costume, then moms should too. That’s why we’ve come up with an entire line of Sexy Halloween costumes for MOMS. What’s even better? They’re entirely DIY and in fact, you’re probably already dressed!

Sexy Halloween Costumes for Moms - @toulousentonic

Suzanne of Toulouse & Tonic (as in the blog you’re on right now. Go ahead and subscribe!)

Everybody needs to be somewhere at the same time and you’ll give them the ride of their lives in our Shameless Chauffeur costume. Drive them crazy in our schlubby Tuxedo print tee inspired by your Uncle Ronny who is 44 and lives in Granny’s basement, a pair of gloves to protect you from all the germs you’ll encounter at Chuck E. Cheese and a hat to cover up your unwashed hair. Yoga pants your own.

Sexy Halloween Costumes for Moms - @toulousentonic

Amy of Funny Is Family

Give me an S, give me an E, give me an X, give me a Y. What does that spell? SEXY! And that’s just what you’ll be in our Cheeky Cheerleader costume. Wearing our fitted white tank top that spells out your devotion to your favorite player will give you a jump on all the other moms while all the dads will flip for you in our arousing athletic shorts. Costume comes with pom pom and hair bow. Add your own embarrassed child and beguiling beverage of choice.

Sexy Halloween Costumes for Moms - @toulousentonic

Meredith of Mom of the Year

Your calendar will be completely full this Fall when you dress as our Hot Hairdresser for Halloween. The costume’s black tee and yoga pants bring the (tepid) heat, while the flat iron will curl their toes. Don’t worry, there will be no cancellations because your reputation precedes you and nobody wants to get a blow out from anyone but you. Add your own Little Mermaid-obsessed child.

Sexy Halloween Costumes for Moms

Brenna of Suburban Snapshots

You’ll be as hot as molten lava this year in our Science Fair Femme Fatale costume. Wearing our teasingly paper-thin jumpsuit and standard issue goggles, it’ll be all they can do not to erupt when they see you. So grab that fire extinguisher and create your own foam party because things are about to get weird (science) up in here. Failed science experiment your own.

Sexy Halloween Costumes for Moms - @toulousentonic

Karen of Baby Sideburns

You’ll finally be ready to come out of the closet this Halloween when you wear our Hidden Pleasures costume. But do you have to reveal your secret stash? No you don’t. No one gets a taste of your candy until you say so. The pleasure is all yours.

Costume comes with a box of assorted sweets, heavy on the chocolate — and factory-defective sweatshirt and sweatpants. Extra boxes of candy may be purchased here.

Costume no longer available in L, XL and XXL.

Sexy Halloween Costumes for Moms - @toulousentonic

Harmony of Modern Mommy Madness

Knock, knock. Who’s that at the door? Oh dear, it’s the Foxy Fundraiser here to take all your money and leave you with nine rolls of Christmas paper, a giant tin of popcorn and a dozen boxes of Girl Scout cookies. What’s that? You don’t have any cash. That’s okay. She takes checks and even has a Square credit card swiper on her iphone. Order this costume now because the only way to stop people from trying to sell it to you is if you can tell them you’ve already bought three. Comes with blue tee shirt and yoga pants. Accessories are extra but please buy as many as you can because we really need to raise money for our band trip to Disney World, to save the whales and for the children. Come on, it’s for the children.

Sexy Halloween Costumes for Moms - @toulousentonic

Rebecca of Frugalista Blog

You’re the only one who knows who and what goes where this Halloween when you’re out and about in our Saucy Secretary costume. Keeping up with so many schedules has never been so fetching (and frustrating). Costume comes with sweatshirt, an assortment of pens and a shit pile of whatever papers, cables, books and pets we rake off our table into your box when we pack it.

Sexy Halloween Costumes for Moms - @toulousentonic

Andrea @domesticgoddss

Nobody can collect as many stares as you in our Bodacious Boxtopper costume this Halloween. All eyes will be on you in the aisles and on the streets in this sizzling off-the-shoulder “Flashdance” sweatshirt from 1983 and bewitching black stretch pants. Accessorize with your own box tops because we’ve bought all the Cheerios we can eat for the next decade for our own kids’ schools and quite frankly can’t afford to buy them for you too.

Sexy Halloween Costumes for Moms - @toulousentonic

Terri of Today Parents

You’ll be making all the calls this season in our deluxe Racy Referee Halloween costume for moms. Fierce features include buxom black and white striped referee tee, luscious lavender robe that doubles as a tablecloth, whistle and flag. You know you’ll be calling foul on all the dads in the neighborhood when they try to score with an illegal play. But don’t worry too much – accessorize with a couple of fighting kids and before you know it, the game will be over.

If none of these costumes are perfect for you, just check out the original viral post Sexy Halloween Costumes for Moms or last year’s equally viral (but not in a gross, snotty way) Sexiest Halloween Costumes for Moms. Pretty sure between 30 or so fabulously “sexy” costumes, we’ve got you covered.

Your next need will be wine so go directly to Honest Wine Labels for Moms for more laughs and some really great gift ideas. Yes, you can finally buy the labels for real!

Get these to pour that wine in then get to trick-or-treating like the vixen you are!

Thanks for being big time sexy with us. Hope you enjoyed Even More Sexy Halloween Costumes for Moms. Sit down and stay awhile. Subscribe to get new posts (1-2 per week) in your inbox and like this page on facebook to keep up with the laughs all day long.

*post contains affiliate links

I Want To Go Back To College. And I Want To Be 18.

I’m having this huge battle with the green-eyed monster lately. Well, I exaggerate. It’s not a huge battle but it’s at least a small one. There may not be guns or I dunno, cannons involved, more like one person has a spoon and the other has a feather duster and they’re just kind of slapping each other with them.

What’s strange about the jealousy going on inside me is that I’ve never felt it before. Not jealousy. I’ve felt plenty of that, mostly about people with skinny thighs. But THIS jealousy I’ve never felt.

I Wanna Go Back To College and I want to be 18 again - @toulousentonicIt started a few weeks ago when a friend helped move her incoming-Freshman daughter to college. Since this is a friend with whom I share pretty intimate information (and likewise), I got to hear all about the angst of having your first child fly the nest (and fly it far away) but soon after the move-in, I started hearing stories about her first weeks in college — dating, parties, new friends … and saw a snapchat photo of her ecstatic, wide-awake face at 4am. I remember being excited to be awake at 4am, and it’s far different than the way I feel when I’m awake at 4am now.

And then I felt it. The very first pang of jealousy over being 18 and starting college and being at the very beginning of your life and not having any idea of where it’s going and being excited enough about meeting new people that you happily stay up until 4am talking the night away.

I acknowledged my jealousy, thinking that would make it go away.

Hahahahahahahahaha, laughed Jealousy maniacally.

Next, I started noticing the aisles of merchandise devoted to dorm rooms in Target. I turned away with envy and forced myself to look at spatulas instead. I wanted to be saying “What’s a spatula and why do I need one?” as I juggled a comforter and one of those big study pillows and a crate of plates, a desk lamp and a giant double ply package of Charmin Big Rolls but no. I know what a spatula is and I know that my husband has melted ours again and that’s why I’m looking at spatulas. I can also name almost every other kitchen gadget hanging on this wall and I fucking hate myself for it.

Then I pulled the ultimate rookie move. I went to a college football game. With my kids.

The parking lot was ablaze with beer and hormones. Young girls with long Pinterest hair all wearing basically the same outfit (cut-offs, flowy off-shoulder shirts), falling off their wedges as they tried to navigate the pot-holed parking lot, holding hands like drunk girls do, blithely, seriously.

I was mesmerized by one young couple in the throes of a desperate fight before kick-off even. Her running through the lot in her bare feet, stumbling, glancing back over her shoulder to see if he was following, contorting her face into anger then half giggling despite herself because … so drunk. Him, carrying her sandals, shouting “Shannon Shannon Shannon” and finally giving in to the drama and chasing her.

What is this feeling in the pit of my stomach as I navigate the kids inside the stadium? Jealousy. I am envious of a drunk, barefoot girl having a fight with her boyfriend in a red dirt-covered parking lot. She will throw up soon. She is destined to vomit before half-time. That should be me.

And Sunday, walking the streets of downtown Mobile, trailing my boys while they play Pokemon Go on my and my husband’s phones. Nothing to do but herd them, like little sheep who don’t look up when they cross the street because what could be more interesting than a Pidgeotto appearing right on the sidewalk opposite you?

As I follow them and sometimes lead them, chanting, “Come on, come on, let’s move it. I bet there are some … uh … things over here,” three college-aged kids sit in the coffee-shop window, look down at the boys and mouth “Pokemon Go” to me. And “We play too.”

I smile at them but I want to kidnap them and suck their souls out of them and be them, sitting in a coffee shop on a Sunday afternoon with friends and nothing special to do. No responsibility. A few more steps and 2 girls loll past me on their bikes. They just loll. Whatever that means. Barely pedaling, just kind of cruising. They have nowhere to go and everywhere to go. Anywhere to go.

My "other man" and his feeding tube.

My “other man” and his feeding tube.

When Meyer first got out of the NICU 4 years ago after a 2 1/2 month stay, he had a tube threaded up his nose and down into his stomach so we could feed him. He had an apnea monitor strapped to him. But we decided we were not going to be a stay at home family just because it was infinitely easier. When we had the chance, we were going out. So we packed up all the things (and there were A LOT of things: syringes of various sizes, pumped milk, alcohol wipes … I can’t even go into all the medical stuff you have to pack for a baby with the special needs he had at the time — plus all the regular stuff you pack for a newborn) and we took him and Asher to Inman Park fest. We were driving through the neighborhood looking for a parking place when I saw a guy – all by himself – crossing the road carrying a six-pack of beer – and I started to cry. Not little silent tears rolling down my face … ugly crying. There was heaving involved. And all of this ugliness and heaving was more or less silent because the kids were in the backseat and I didn’t want to explain to my 5yo why I was losing my mind.

Gabe looked at me then followed my gaze, eyebrows furrowed. “Are you crying about the guy with the beer?” he said. “We can get beer.”

But we both knew why I was crying. At that moment in time, after all we’d been through, it felt to me like I would never have as few responsibilities as that guy again. And of course, that is true. I’m a parent. I can’t go back. I can have the six-pack and I can pretend to be carefree sometimes for a whole day but I can’t BE that guy. Even if I had a penis.

I want to go back to college and be 18 again - @toulousentonicThere’s a little of that creeping in here now, I guess. My first “Starting College” envy. I don’t know how I’ve never had it before. I did it, I moved on, I had probably more fun and less responsibility than most of you for longer than you did and when I settled down and had kids, I said “I have no regrets. I did it all.”

More than a decade later, I still mean that. I don’t regret my kids for one second. Well, maybe one second – when they’re really fighting and my husband’s out of town and I’ve just had it with everything. But we all know I don’t really regret them one bit. I don’t regret my husband. It took me a long time to find him and if he were gone, I wouldn’t even try to replace him. I wouldn’t even want to.

I just kind of want a second go-round of what none of us get. The second go-round where we are the ones packing up for college and watching the whole world opening up in front of us like a blooming flower. Where the responsibilities are low and the opportunities endless.

I’ll do it from the other side in about 9 years and it will be the exact opposite of that. I will be terrified as I let my heart loose from my body and let it flutter around in the world by itself when my oldest boy goes off to college. Responsibility is not going anywhere ever again. It is in me, on me, I am comprised of it.

And I think that’s what this jealousy that’s sticking to me like a gummy worm on my car seat in the August heat is about. I don’t really want to go back to college. I just want to be carefree. I want to have nowhere to go, nothing to do. I want to spontaneously meet friends for drinks in the middle of the day and somehow end up not coming home for the next 8 hours. I want to lay out in the sun in my bikini on the lawn by my dorm. I want to go to a toga party. I want to get in trouble with my RA for breaking into my friends’ room and turning all their furniture upside down. I want to know that even now, everything is possible. And I want to skip class and sleep until noon. I want, I want, I want …

Yep, I guess I do want to go back to college.

If you like this, you should read Don’t Vajazzle Your Vajiggle Jaggle and 20 Other Things I Wish I’d Known When I Was 20 and 20 Totally Ridiculous Things That Seem Completely Normal In College.

And subscribe so you’ll get new posts in your inbox (no more than 1 or 2 per week). Then follow on your choice of social media. See the little buttons to the right? Join me on as many as you like. Stalkers welcome.

Funniest Moms On The Internet, Volume 6

It’s time for the next edition of my roundup of the funniest moms on the internet. I’ve been scouring the www collecting the most hilarious posts for you and here are the ones that stood out in the unbearable heat of summer. Find a seat in the shade and get to reading, and maybe put on some Depends. It’s gonna be hard not to pee yourself a little.Funniest Mom Blogs on the Internet in One Place, volume 6 - @toulousentonic

*This post contains affiliate links. If you click through and buy something, I might make a small commission which helps to support this blog. Thank you.

10 Ways Having Boys Can Help You Burn More Calories - @toulousentonicThe first post is from moi and after gaining the “summer 15” (it’s a real thing, yo), I wrote this because a) I need to slim back down and b) I needed some ways to remind myself why it’s a good thing to have boys with all their constant chaos and craziness. So in the interest of your health, here is 10 Ways Boys Can Help You Burn More Calories.

I Saw Tarzan and This is my Review After Some Wines by Emily Writes (Mama Said). “Alexander Skarsgard is Tarzan and he belongs to the women of the world.” I’ve read this piece at least 4 or 5 times because it makes me laugh so hard. I really should write more blog posts when I come home from various drinking excursions. I urge you to go read this and yes, it’s LOL hilarious even if you’re not drinking some “wines” but you should be anyway.

How My Failure To Participate In The Love Your Spouse Challenge Almost Destroyed My Marriage by Jennifer from Hahas for Hoohas. I admit I wasn’t sure where this one was going at first but the payoff is good. I challenge you to have a laugh at this “destroyed” marriage.

I highly recommend (Un)Motivational Posters for Parents by No Domestic Diva. She keeps me laughing consistently and this one is really funny. I love that she says “Expectations, it’s okay to have them, but make sure you’re setting them in the right place.” Read it, you’ll thank me after.

As a person who is not capable of using the self-checkout lane in the grocery store just out of pure anxiety that I’ll do it wrong and a huge line will form behind me, I really laughed out loud at Should You Use The Self-checkout from Abby Has Issues. She makes it clear that the requirements are very simple and therefore the vast majority of us are just fucking stupid.

For those of you who have a baby at home and are busy wondering WTF is wrong with you that everyone else walking around with a newborn seems so perfect and you are just a total hot mess, this one’s for you. It’s Not Just You from Hurrah for Gin. It’s mostly illustrations but it is just so on target, you’ll feel better in the 2 minutes it takes you to read it (and the 2 mins you have before your freaking baby starts crying again). And while we’re here, if you haven’t discovered these things that were my savior with my second child, get them NOW. They’re almost impossible to lose and really, what more do you need in a paci?

Jen of People I Want To Punch In the Throat can always be counted upon to make me do a spit-take. Her latest? Signs You Might Be A Suburban Mom. My favorite? You have a chandelier in your laundry room. Who the eff has a chandelier in their laundry room? People who need to do some volunteer work, that’s who. Although I do like this idea:

The internet almost broke the day I shared this from reddit user NorthSideBurghler. I guess after seeing all those adorable back-to-school signs, you were all ready for a big dose of reality from this kid who refused to hold a sign unless it said “I hate school.”

 

Funniest Mom Blogs on the Internet in One Place

Son refuses to hold back to school sign unless it says “I hate school.” Via reddit user NorthSideBurghler

Wedgie Fit Jeans are actually a thing now. But WHY? - @toulousentonicA couple of weeks ago a friend of mine was out shopping and texted me a photo of some new jeans from Levi’s. The tag legit said “Wedgie Fit Jeans.” I thought it was a joke. It was so not. So I investigated and wrote Wedgie Jeans are a Thing Now. Apparently a lot of other people were as perplexed as I was because that post went a little bit nuts. Intrigued by the word “vagedgie?” Go read the post now. And go get them if you dare.

And finally, this was a real thing that happened to us at the pool this summer. I’m smiling just thinking about it. So if you wanna know the secret to ending fights between your kids, this is it. Just have “Uptown Funk” cued up on Spotify at all times.

My boys argue until they hear Uptown Funk. I should just play it all the time on a loop.

So that’s it for this edition of Funniest Moms on the Internet. I hope you enjoyed it and want to stay around for more. If this is your first time visiting my blog, go on and read Sexy Halloween Costumes for Moms, Honest Wine Labels for Moms and just for a little inspiration Don’t Vajazzle Your Vagiggle Jaggle and 20 Other Things I Wish I’d Known When I was 20.

Then subscribe so you’ll get new posts in your inbox (usually about 2 per week). You can also join us on Facebook where we keep the conversation going 24/7. Or go ahead and be the stalker you were born to be and follow me everywhere by clicking on all those little icons to the right.

 

Daddy’s Parenting Wisdom

This post was actually written 2 years ago but my  husband’s wisdom stands the test of time. Read it and weep (with laughter).

This past weekend, I left my husband and the boys here to fend for themselves while I went to BlogU.  To their credit, I barely heard from them the entire time I was there – and let’s be frank, all 3 of them are usually guilty of asking me where the peanut butter is while staring right at it.

Why your kids behave better for him than you. #DaddysParentingWisdom - Toulouse and TonicWhen I did talk to Gabe on Sunday while I was waiting around in the Charlotte, NC airport with about 3 million other waylaid people, because … American Airlines …

he informed me that the boys slept until 10:00am both Saturday and Sunday mornings (they wake at 6:30am for me), didn’t fight (I have no idea what their normal, non-fighting voices sound like) and played alone quietly so he could get stuff done (what is this played alone thing of which you speak?). He may not have said it, but there was an implied, “Learn from me, grasshopper!”

Leave your boys with your husband and 3 things will happen:The fabulous Paige Kellerman and I got to spend a good amount of time together over the weekend, which was so fun for me, and during one of our discussions we talked about this very thing – how her kids will also give her husband all kinds of space but crawl all over her every minute of the day.  What is this phenomenon?  Why do they behave differently for their fathers?

Gabe’s theory is well-illustrated by a story from his weekend alone with the boys.  He took both of them out to run errands.  In the parking lot of Lowe’s, Meyer was being very, uh, 2.  Throwing fits, melting down, squirming out of Gabe’s arms.  He finally had enough and gave him a little pop on the behind.  That’s probably not too shocking, right?  Plenty of people dole out a little corporeal punishment now and then.  Hell, I got spankings aplenty when I was growing up.  The funny part is that some lady who saw the “pop” approached him as he was putting the kids in the car and THANKED him for raising his kids right – informing him that not nearly enough people do that anymore.

That is not how I thought that story was gonna go.

As for me, I almost never use any kind of physical force/punishment with my boys.  I didn’t like it when it was used on me and I don’t like to use it on them.

But their dad thinks this (or maybe what it represents) is the very reason they’re so different with me. And he likes to give me advice about how to “man-up” my parenting.

Here are some of my favorite #DaddysParentingWisdom quotes, from Gabe to me to you.Daddy's Parenting Wisdom - Toulouse & TonicDaddy's Parenting Wisdom - Toulouse & TonicWhy they behave better for him than you. #DaddysParentingWisdom - Toulouse & TonicI was so tired by the time I made it home from BlogU on Sunday, we all just passed out immediately and lucky for me, both boys had camp Monday morning so I got to actually recover a bit.

Monday afternoon when they got home, I noticed they both smelled, well, HEINOUS.  Not just the been-at-camp-all-day, Tevas-without-socks kind of boy stink but the wandering-in-the-desert-for-30-years kind of boy stink.  I asked Gabe, “When’s the last time these boys had a bath?”  His response:  “Does the pool count?”

Uh, no.  Not unless you used soap.  See, daddy doesn’t know everything.

What do you think about Gabe’s parenting wisdom?  Does your husband have any parenting quotes that make you laugh?

Wedgie Fit Jeans are a Thing Now. But Why?

Levi’s now makes  wedgie fit jeans. And that’s not just how people are referring to them because of how they fit – they are made that way ON PURPOSE and even CALLED Wedgie Fit. They come with a high waist, a wedgie and tapered legs. So basically, Mom Jeans are actually in style. I almost said “again,” but I’m pretty sure they were never in style before. So Wedgie Fit Jeans are a thing now. But why?

Wedgie Fit Jeans are actually a thing now. But WHY? - @toulousentonicWhy in the hell would anyone want jeans meant to give you a wedgie all day long? It’s enough of a struggle not to have your jeans riding up in your ass as it is. Why would you do it on purpose?

One of my reader’s mom calls this look “walking and riding at the same time” which I think it priceless, especially from an 86-year-old woman.

I remember tight jeans being a huge thing in the 80s. People would buy the smallest size they could get into (and remember, they were all cotton then – no give at all) and then before going out in them, put them in the dryer to make them as tight as possible, then have to literally lay down on the bed to get them on and zipped and buttoned. Oh the chafing!

Then came the miracle of spandex mixed with denim and we could all breath again (although people with big asses and thighs like mine have always had to pick out wedgies here and there).

Levi's Wedgie Fit Jeans. For real. - @toulousentonicBut for some reason, now Levi’s is purposefully making the Wedgie Fit jean – and apparently, it’s actually popular!

Levi’s Wedgie Fit jeans are billed as “the cheekiest jeans in your closet,” because each pair “hugs your waist and hips to showcase your best assets.” I still think they should be more honestly called “Camel Toe Fit” jeans or maybe “Vajedgie Fit.”

Wedgie Fit Jeans? On purpose? - @toulousentonicI do understand that today’s beauty culture in obsessed with the ass. It’s all about the ass. But geez. You can show off your ass without having a permanent wedgie. Try some nice jeggings that hug yet don’t spend their day trying to milk your anal glands.

Just think, with the wedgie fit jean, you now also need a thong so you don’t have panty lines – or you need to go commando. So now you have chafing of the highest order in the vaginal area. Is having big round ass cheeks really worth chronic yeast infections? Or duck walking all day trying to dig that shit out of your taint?

And the high-waisted thing? I will never think that looks good. I quit wearing high-waisted stuff when I was 10. It was still the “style.” But I figured out that nobody looked good in it and especially not me, and started wearing anything with an elastic waist around my hips instead. Of course, I couldn’t find jeans like that so I still had to suffer through high-waisted jeans for years until my beloved spandex started showing up.

Levi's Wedgie Fit Jeans are a thing now. But WHY?Then of course, the waists of jeans started dropping to barely above the ass crack thanks to Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. Now we’ve come back up to a reasonable waistline. Not too low, not too high – and Levi’s has to go and do this.

One of my readers, Erica, explains the wedgie fit’s appeal like this: “It’s so those of us with small butts don’t feel left out. Levi’s seems to always leave a little extra in the tush, and girls like me look like we have diaper fit.”

Erica made me LOL. I can only imagine that DIAPER FIT is in development at Levi’s right now. Maybe us big-assed girls who want to look a little smaller will jump on that band wagon.

So in summary, I know the younger generation of girls loves Kylie Jenner. But remember, you don’t have to do everything she does (also this – I guarantee you she was paid to put that photo of her in the wedgie jeans on instagram). And while I’m at it, those HORRIBLE high-waisted shorts cut so short your ass cheeks are hanging out of them look the worst too. 

No matter how old I get, I’ll be interested in style but like always, I’ll choose the looks that are for me and discard the ones that aren’t. So maybe Wedgie Fit Jeans are a thing now. But high-waisted pants are ugly as shit. Let the trend go. And when it comes to actually paying for a wedgie? Be sure that extra butt lift is worth it because you’re gonna need stock in Monistat as long as you’re wearing them.

Please stay around and play. Learn more about me and the fam here. The best way to keep up is to subscribe to get new posts in your inbox (no more than 2 per week). Join me on other social media too by clicking on the little icons to the right of the page.

And if you absolutely MUST, get your wedgie fit jeans here. And oh God, they make them in shorts too.

If you like this post, you should read Honest Wine Labels for Moms and Sexy Halloween Costumes for Moms too. I also highly recommend Don’t Vajazzle Your Vajiggle Jaggle and 20 Ways I’m Making Sure My Future Daughter in law Loves ME.

Wedgie fit jeans are a thing now - @toulousentonic

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