It’s another guest post in the series, “What He Said, by Mike.” Today, I hope you enjoy a male perspective on the show, The Bachelor. What? You didn’t think any men watched The Bachelor? What with all that trash-talking they do about the crazy chicks and the perpetually shirtless bachelor? Oh, they’re watching. They just don’t want you to know it.
But Mike is willing to admit it. And to tell you why The Bachelor is total bullshit.
1. ”It’s been two weeks and I’m desperately in love with this man.” – Seriously?!! Who falls completely in love with someone in 14 days? Now I believe in lust at first sight, but to proclaim your undying love for someone and declare that you can’t live without them after a few days? If I’m the Bachelor (and Lord help us if I am) and some chick says that to me, she is guaranteed a limo ride in the next 10 minutes.
2. ”He takes me on the best dates.” – Hello?? McFly?? He didn’t take you on anything. The show set all that up. Do you honestly think a normal dude would take you on a gondola ride through the caves of Iceland and serve you strawberries the size of softballs encrusted with hand-crushed cocoa nibs at the end? Let me know how you feel about this dude after a grilled cheese sandwich, a Budweiser and a couple Seinfeld reruns. Some of the best dates I ever had involved a 12 pack and a blanket on a beach.
3. ”Time for a group bikini date.” – This is one of the best episodes of the season. Usually none of these girls on the group date are gonna be around after the next couple of weeks, but the network is smart enough to line up a half-naked beach sporting event to show off the ladies assets. The guys are interested because of the flesh and the ladies get to critique the, umm, “bikinis” to their husbands.
4. ”Want a rose? Start crying.” – Crank the tear ducts up, and a rose will be coming to you quicker than a tissue. Now I hate seeing a girl cry as much as the next guy but seeing a dozen girls bawl week in and week out would whip me to no end. Eventually the crying catches up with them, but not until after weeks of me yelling at the TV, “Why doesn’t he send that crazy beeyatch packing?!?” followed by my wife telling me to shut up because I’m ruining the show.
5. ”Can we have a doggie bag?” – I love how they always sit down to dinner with some great-looking food but you never see them eat the meal. That is what I want to see. You’ve been climbing mountains or zip-lining all day. Inhale that food! Guzzle that drink!
6. ”Can I walk you out to the limo?” – The Bachelor’s version of the walk of shame. It’s quiet, there are tears, gentle consoling of the devastated woman… The Bachelor needs a dose of the girls I used to date. There’d be yelling, cussing and finger pointing (the middle one). Instead of “Why???”, he’d be struggling to respond to things like “Screw you, loser!” and “Stick that rose right up your ass!” I just wanna see a good ole redneck girl get dumped on this show! That’ll teach him.
7. ”Chris Harrison – The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever.” — I think Chris Harrison is creepy and just on the show to start drama. He’s at an all-time annoying high during the “Tell All …” shows. Just sit there and let the cat fighting go on (that’s what we want to see). Don’t change the subject. And, guess what? We can all see that there is one rose left, dude. We don’t need you to come out and dramatically announce it EVERY SINGLE TIME! And stop the Bro hugs – that just looks plain stupid.
8. ”Can’t we all just get along?” – All the fights and drama. You would think by now, girls would realize if you’re surrounded by drama, you’re going home, jack. And don’t give me the “I’m just here to meet a nice, regular guy and find love.” Complete BS. Your new “regular guy” who you can’t stand to be away from will be filming Diving with the Stars or some other crap show right after this and you’ll be hoping you’re chosen as the next Bachelorette.
9. ”Look at the skeletons in my closet!” – Why after two hours on the show are people clamoring to get their deep, dark secrets out in front of the world? What’s the logic in this? My wife probably still has secrets I don’t know about and guess what …. I don’t wanna know. It helps me to sleep at night. The best recent secret was the girl with one arm that decided to tell the Bachelor that she had one arm. He wasn’t the smartest cookie in the box, but I’m sure he could figure that one out all by himself.
10. ”Here she comes again.” Why do we have to be subjected to watching another season with the same person who couldn’t close the deal the previous season. There’s a reason things didn’t work out and we usually see why the next season. Remember Emily? It was killing her to be away from her child so much that she signed on for yet another season. And what was the result of the search for her perfect mate and father for her child? No one. Yep, all that romance, travel, perfectly setup dates and the end result was another break-up. If this setup was so perfect, wouldn’t they have a better track record at finding lasting love? Picking up someone at a bar before closing has greater odds of success than this.
But guess what? As much as I know The Bachelor is pure bullshit, I love watching it and will be right there watching the next one. There’s something evil inside of me that loves seeing beautiful people struggle with basic relationship skills and get dumped on TV – makes us ugly people feel good about ourselves.
And instagram. Basically, just follow me around all day, mmmkay?