What Are You Wearing (Mom)?

Posted on April 17, 2013 by ashersmom

A few years ago (6 to be exact), the answer to the question, “What are you wearing?” would have been something like this: ”Oh, it’s a great little leather BCBG skirt I picked up on sale in New Orleans Jazz Fest weekend, and the shirt is from Anthropologie. Oh these boots? Girl, you wouldn’t believe it — these are from Target!”

Before I became a mom, what I was wearing was pretty central to my self-image. I considered myself “stylish” and what I wore was a direct expression of my creativity.

Consider that portion of my self-image annihilated.

I’d still like to be stylish.

I still wish others were describing me as funky instead of FUNKY.

But the reality is, I”m a mom now and I just don’t have the time, money or energy for pulling it all together like I used to. I don’t have time to shop, just to begin with. But of course, there are more basic issues that fall by the wayside. Like styling my hair (hello, ponytail). Putting on makeup (MAYBE a little quick eyeliner). Oh, and showering.

So now, the simple answer to the question “What are you wearing (mom)” is probably A) If I’m home, pajama pants or B) If I’m not home, leggings that look like jeans but feel like pajama pants. Sensing a common theme here?

The more complicated answer to the question, “What are you wearing (mom)?” requires a chart. In this dressing scenario, I have chosen the cotton and spandex and the baby has chosen the, umm, accessories.

Someday, when my kids are older, I really hope to be able to express myself through my style again. But for now, I’m just really, really grateful they make jeans that feel like pajamas.

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Top 10 Ways a Playdate Can Go Wrong.

Posted on April 9, 2013 by ashersmom

Today’s guest post is courtesy of Bad Playdate, a fellow blogger I stumbled upon and find hilarious, mainly due to the fact that I’m also a playgroup- and playdate-hater. What separates us is her tenacity. I gave up after a few bad ones but she just keeps going and going and going. She’s like the energizer bunny of crappy playdates. But trust me, Bad Playdate suffers so you can laugh. And laugh you will. You see, there’s a reason she’s anonymous.

I’ve been on hundreds of playdates and boy, are they freaking weird. As you can see from the stories on BAD PLAYDATE, there are about a million ways one can go wrong but today, I present to you my top 10.

The Top 10 Ways a Playdate Can Go Wrong

1. A playdate in a mansion can turn awkward when wealthy kids ask middle-class kids to play “poor” and then say ”Hey poor boy, you’re not taking a vacation next week.”

2. A stay-at-home dad can make you feel dirty by suggesting the hand-me-down clothes he asked for for his daughter are full of bed bugs, saying “You can’t be too careful!” and taking them directly to his laundry room as soon as you arrive.

3. A playdate with a privileged mom and her nanny can become awkward when you find out the 70-year-old nanny lives in the attic, thinks her boss is a bitch and begs you to help her find a new job.

4. You might freeze during a playdate when a control-freak mom invites you over, but won’t let you in her house because the housekeeper just cleaned it.

5. A normal-sized house can suddenly become too small for a playdate when a privileged child asks, “Where is the rest of the house?”

6. Things can get weird when a clearly anorexic mom forces her overweight daughter to eat treat after treat throughout a playdate and then gazes longingly at every bite.

7. Kids can become terrified when another mom yells “Run, the wolves are coming!” to get them to move along while hiking.

8. A playdate can turn germy when a dental hygienist becomes defensive and insists the fruit she’s serving has been washed, even though it still has stickers all over it.

9. A playdate at the park can be interrupted when a super hip-looking mom tells you to leave because her toddler is using the park as an art studio and you’re in the way.

10. It can be horribly limiting when the child you’re visiting is strapped into his time-out chair during an entire 2-hour playdate because 1-2-3 Magic isn’t so magical after all.

Look, if you’re not having much luck on your playdates start thinking of them as dates. Would you go on a first date without having an exit strategy? Would you invite a first date over to your house? The same rules apply. When you meet for a playdate, always meet in a neutral place and make sure you have a “pediatrician’s appointment” conveniently scheduled shortly thereafter. And most importantly, take notes! Trust me, I’m all ears!

For the full story and all the hilarious deets on all 10 of these (very real) bad playdates, head on over to Bad Playdate right now. You can also follow her on twitter and Facebook, where she keeps me laughing between blog posts.

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10 Signs You’re an “Old” Mommy.

Posted on April 4, 2013 by ashersmom

I had my kids a bit later in life than I planned. Would I have liked to have had them earlier? Maybe. But I’m oh-so-thankful to have been blessed with these little stinkers regardless of the fact that they were a little fashionably late to the party.

What’s weird about my experience being an “older” mom is this: I don’t think of myself as being any different from all the other moms at school pick-up, the zoo, the aquarium or anywhere else. I’m daft like that. I really, truly forget that I might look more “mature” than many of them. Maybe it’s my failing eyesight.

But then, while going about my business with a 1-year-old on my hip, someone will kindly decide it’s their job to remind me.

And so, from my experience (because a bunch of these things really happened to me), today I present 10 Signs You’re an “Old” Mommy.

1. When it’s your turn to check out at Target, the clerk takes one look at your 1-year-old and says, “You babysitting today?”

2. A little kid on the playground asks you if you’re “wise.” When queried as to why, she replies, “Because I think you’re old.”

3. You try to teach your kindergartner the “Running Man” and the “Roger Rabbit” for his Mother-Son Dance at school.

4. You’re exhausted all the time, even when you step out of bed in the morning. You could pack for a month-long trip to Europe with the bags under your eyes.

5. As you push your child along the sidewalk in his stroller, someone actually slows their vehicle, rolls the window down and says, “That’s your grandbaby, right?” When you reply, “No, he’s mine,” she frowns at you, continues to smack her gum, backhands a few of the kids in the backseat and says, “Oh, okaaaaay.”

6. Your ObGyn accepts your response of “oldness” as your birth control method even though he just pulled a baby out of your hoo-ha a year ago.

7. The next time you’re covering up your gray, you consider choosing the baby’s hair color so you can “match.”

8. When you hit your 2nd trimester and start to show, people begin to gently suggest you might have a stomach tumor instead of saying congratulations.

9. Your boobs are low enough for you to lay the baby in your lap while you breastfeed.

10. When you get pregnant, your father asks if it was on purpose and suggests you’ll be picking the baby up from middle school on your little rascal.

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What He Said: 10 Reasons The Bachelor is Bull$hit

Posted on April 3, 2013 by ashersmom

It’s another guest post in the series, “What He Said, by Mike.” Today, I hope you enjoy a male perspective on the show, The Bachelor. What? You didn’t think any men watched The Bachelor? What with all that trash-talking they do about the crazy chicks and the perpetually shirtless bachelor? Oh, they’re watching. They just don’t want you to know it.

But Mike is willing to admit it. And to tell you why The Bachelor is total bullshit.

1. ”It’s been two weeks and I’m desperately in love with this man.” – Seriously?!! Who falls completely in love with someone in 14 days? Now I believe in lust at first sight, but to proclaim your undying love for someone and declare that you can’t live without them after a few days? If I’m the Bachelor (and Lord help us if I am) and some chick says that to me, she is guaranteed a limo ride in the next 10 minutes.

2. ”He takes me on the best dates.” – Hello?? McFly?? He didn’t take you on anything. The show set all that up. Do you honestly think a normal dude would take you on a gondola ride through the caves of Iceland and serve you strawberries the size of softballs encrusted with hand-crushed cocoa nibs at the end? Let me know how you feel about this dude after a grilled cheese sandwich, a Budweiser and a couple Seinfeld reruns. Some of the best dates I ever had involved a 12 pack and a blanket on a beach.

3. ”Time for a group bikini date.” – This is one of the best episodes of the season. Usually none of these girls on the group date are gonna be around after the next couple of weeks, but the network is smart enough to line up a half-naked beach sporting event to show off the ladies assets. The guys are interested because of the flesh and the ladies get to critique the, umm, “bikinis” to their husbands.

4. ”Want a rose? Start crying.” – Crank the tear ducts up, and a rose will be coming to you quicker than a tissue. Now I hate seeing a girl cry as much as the next guy but seeing a dozen girls bawl week in and week out would whip me to no end. Eventually the crying catches up with them, but not until after weeks of me yelling at the TV, “Why doesn’t he send that crazy beeyatch packing?!?” followed by my wife telling me to shut up because I’m ruining the show.

5. ”Can we have a doggie bag?” – I love how they always sit down to dinner with some great-looking food but you never see them eat the meal. That is what I want to see. You’ve been climbing mountains or zip-lining all day. Inhale that food! Guzzle that drink!

6. ”Can I walk you out to the limo?” – The Bachelor’s version of the walk of shame. It’s quiet, there are tears, gentle consoling of the devastated woman… The Bachelor needs a dose of the girls I used to date. There’d be yelling, cussing and finger pointing (the middle one). Instead of “Why???”, he’d be struggling to respond to things like “Screw you, loser!” and “Stick that rose right up your ass!” I just wanna see a good ole redneck girl get dumped on this show! That’ll teach him.

7. ”Chris Harrison – The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever.” — I think Chris Harrison is creepy and just on the show to start drama. He’s at an all-time annoying high during the “Tell All …” shows. Just sit there and let the cat fighting go on (that’s what we want to see). Don’t change the subject. And, guess what? We can all see that there is one rose left, dude. We don’t need you to come out and dramatically announce it EVERY SINGLE TIME! And stop the Bro hugs – that just looks plain stupid.

8. ”Can’t we all just get along?” – All the fights and drama. You would think by now, girls would realize if you’re surrounded by drama, you’re going home, jack. And don’t give me the “I’m just here to meet a nice, regular guy and find love.” Complete BS. Your new “regular guy” who you can’t stand to be away from will be filming Diving with the Stars or some other crap show right after this and you’ll be hoping you’re chosen as the next Bachelorette.

9. ”Look at the skeletons in my closet!” – Why after two hours on the show are people clamoring to get their deep, dark secrets out in front of the world? What’s the logic in this? My wife probably still has secrets I don’t know about and guess what …. I don’t wanna know. It helps me to sleep at night. The best recent secret was the girl with one arm that decided to tell the Bachelor that she had one arm. He wasn’t the smartest cookie in the box, but I’m sure he could figure that one out all by himself.

10. ”Here she comes again.” Why do we have to be subjected to watching another season with the same person who couldn’t close the deal the previous season. There’s a reason things didn’t work out and we usually see why the next season. Remember Emily? It was killing her to be away from her child so much that she signed on for yet another season. And what was the result of the search for her perfect mate and father for her child? No one. Yep, all that romance, travel, perfectly setup dates and the end result was another break-up. If this setup was so perfect, wouldn’t they have a better track record at finding lasting love? Picking up someone at a bar before closing has greater odds of success than this.

But guess what? As much as I know The Bachelor is pure bullshit, I love watching it and will be right there watching the next one. There’s something evil inside of me that loves seeing beautiful people struggle with basic relationship skills and get dumped on TV – makes us ugly people feel good about ourselves.

 Follow @toulousentonic

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