As I’m writing this, Meyer (corrected age 7 1/2 months) is currently having his little penis whacked by an expert surgeon who, according to the nurse, takes immense pride in circumcisions.
Our first son had his foreskin removed like most boy babies, right after being born.
But this one? There were bigger priorities.
Like, ya know, living.
Meyer was born at 29 weeks gestation and has a long and complicated medical history. He lived in the NICU for the first 2 1/2 months of his life. You can read more about the saga here. And here. And here.
As issues have worked themselves out, the penis started to pop up.
Literally.
I learned this from our highly inappropriate nurse, who just spent 20 minutes dropping the word “erection” into the conversation waaaay more often than anyone needed.
Several of Meyer’s doctors have mentioned that things are a little, er, tight on the tallywhacker and indeed, it’s a little hard to do a thorough cleaning job down there. Another one of those tasks, along with wiping poop out of ball crevices, that I never imagined myself doing, yet do every day of my life.
So often, in fact, that sometimes I forget to even wash my hands afterwards.
May I offer you something to eat?
So here we are.
Meyer has been wheeled back and Gabe and I are still talking about the weird conversation we just had with his nurse.
She talked extensively about baby boys’ erections vs. grown men’s erections, about penis pain and how my husband “knew what she was talking about” (wink, wink), about how important it is to men to have pretty penises even though “we women don’t notice.”
It went way beyond clinical.
We began to get so uncomfortable neither one of us would make eye contact with her.
When she finally left the room, Gabe said, “That’s way more information than I will ever need to know about my baby son’s boner.”
I did take some comfort, however, in knowing how much pride an expert surgeon like ours takes in sculpting a fine wiener.
The nurse insists that of all the incredibly complicated surgeries he and the other doctors perform around Children’s Hospital of Atlanta everyday, it’s the well-done wee-wee whacks that they’re proudest of.
Boys and their toys.
And by that, I mean their penises.
Apparently, Meyer’s newly peeled pecker will come with some kind of plastic bell over it, akin to those plastic cones dogs wear.
This should be a fun new skill for me to acquire. Cleaning a penis bell.
He won’t hate that at all.
It’s 9:30 in the morning. Do you know where your foreskin is?
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This post just made me that much more happy I had girls, while they are both whining and screaming that can’t share the same damn toy right now, lol!! Seriously, I hope he is doing ok and that surgery goes as planned.
Oh the joy of cleaning boy parts. You’re not missing out on anything fun.
I’m very glad little Meyer is back safe & sound from the nice doctor, and very sorry you could not flee inappropriate talk of nether region nip & tuck. Never has a post made me cry just a little while laughing & spewing coffee all over my keyboard~
He just got out of surgery and all went well. However, apparently I will be applying a LOT of ointment to his little penis over the next month! FUN.
Perhaps the best mom blog post ever. I laughed, I cringed, I gagged, I prayed… My 11 year old refers to his as “Rockstar”. ~Poor baby, hope all goes well.
His “Rockstar?” You can’t really get better than that, can ya? I’m not gonna share that nickname with my husband because he just might start calling his that.
I had two girls, then a boy, and I almost passed out when I changed his diaper for the first time after the circumcision. File that under “things no one tells you before you have a baby”. Bleecchh. Praying for quick recovery and healing for your little guy!
Thanks. Indeed it was kinda gross to deal with the newborn’s weenie wounds but an older one? I just won’t go there to preserve your stomach…
I’m with Lisa. I have a girl, but the first time I changed a baby boy’s diaper, I was scarred for life.
Having changed well over 2000 wet and/or poopy boy diapers, I can tell you that you do get used to it. Although you don’t get used to getting sprayed occasionally.
This is one medical situation where I feel more sorry for the mother than the baby.
Happy wiping!
And don’t forget the schmearing of the ointment. Which is exactly how the doctor put it.
“how important it is to men to have pretty penises even though “we women don’t notice.”” 0_o Seriously, I can’t believe you took medical advice from this lady…
Oh I blocked her out after the 17th time she said the word “erection.” ; )
Eek! A bris! Our guy called it “sharpening his pencil” and when identifying the risks of circumcision, told us “One- infection. I wash my hands regularly, so this won’t be an issue. Two- bleeding. If he’s a bleeder, he’s a bleeder. There’s not much we can do. Three- not cutting enough away. How sharp do you want his pencil?” Then he wheeled my day-old son out of the room, and I threw up. Professionalism regarding circumcision is lost.
His pencil? Meyer’s looked a lot more like a pencil before the surgery.
And I can’t believe your doc said, “if he’s a bleeder, he’s a bleeder.” To say that to a hormonal mom…brave, brave man!
Having lived with a former labor/delivery nurse for 16 years, I think your nurse was probably toning it down A LOT. Is there any “diplomatic” way to discuss such a thing? LOL’ing somewhat flaccidly….
Oh B, you had to be there. She wasn’t toning it down, she was playing it up. There was a lot of “wink, wink” around all the penis talk and she worked the word “erection” in so much more often than needed. She even made jokes about Gabe’s, uh, organ. Trust me. If you can make Gabe and I uncomfortable, you’ve gone pretty damn far. ; )
To traumatize you further, when we had our kiddo cut, yes he was teeny tiny, BUT the doc who did it was also a Mohel (sp?). So in the fancy, shiny doctor’s office, we were treated to some Manischewitz, some jewish prayers, the story of WHY they circumcise their sons… and then my husband was instructed he was to make the final cut.
My husband is Catholic and a MAN… so pretty much chugged the wine, made the cut and curled up into a little tiny ball and wept.
Best part of the whole thing? He got a sticker that said, “Dr Swartz circumcised my son… AND I HELPED”!! I’m still mad he threw out the sticker.
I’d be mad too. The sticker would be your permanent evidence of what he did, making sure you forever remain your son’s favorite. My husband is Jewish too, so I’m familiar with the tradition but we didn’t go that route. And he NEVER would’ve been able to make the cut himself. I hope your hubby isn’t too traumatized.
A cone of shame on the little pecker?? Poor fella. Good thing he is unawares!
I’m so, SO glad I didn’t have to have that conversation with the nurse – I’d almost rather have surgery on my penis. You know, if I had one.
Listen — I encourage inappropriateness. So if I’m uncomfortable, a line has been crossed. It sucks to have to hear about your baby’s boner a bunch but it’s even worse when she starts “wink winking” about your husband’s. Not appropriate.
Ha ha ha. It is stories like these that make me even more grateful I have a girl.
I’m inappropriate at the best of times, but even I would’ve found that conversation with the doctor a little weird.
Glad you got the snip over and done with. Hope he is on the mend!!!
He’s has a very ANGRY penis. Story to come.
“how important it is to men to have pretty penises even though “we women don’t notice.””
Whaaaaaaaaa…….??????????????? I’d much rather little boys (and grown men, for that matter!) have a healthy penis!!! Besides, they’re just kinda ugly no matter what anyway. So nyah, crazy erection happy nurse!!!
LOL. Your nurse is weird. And your husband is hilarious. And you are forgiven for sometimes not washing your hands after poo changes, as I think you’ve had a few more important things on your mind.
I do my best but ya know, there are a lot of poops to clean up around here. Sometimes I get distracted and forget. And yes, just a few things going on this year. Thank you!
Just wait until your little guy and his pencil get a bit older. Then you begin to hear comments like, “Mommy, LOOK – my penis just got bigger!”
Or howabout, while I’m holding my 3 year old:
“Mommy, keep jumping up and down…that tickles my penis!”
My husband is SO mad I taught him the proper word for his, ahem, bait and tackle.
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