Last week, my friend Mike presented us with a brand new What He Said entry called 10 Things I’ll Never Understand About Women. He made some good points but you know there’s no way I can leave that kind of thing unanswered. So just for you, Mike and also for the vast number of women who ponder the same mysteries, here are 10 Things I’ll Never Understand About Men.
1. Their need to eat food as if some other Neanderthal is gonna club them and take it away from them any second. Have you ever seen a man fold a piece of pizza over on itself and cram it into his mouth? The only time this move makes sense is if you’re getting paid 20 million dollars to gain weight for a movie role. And even then, do it in private. It’s disgusting.
2. Their devotion to jorts. I get it, guys. They’re jeans. They’re shorts. They’re jeans AND shorts. Which means you don’t have to worry about what matches because everything does. Wrong. The only thing that goes well with jean shorts is the 90s. If you have a time machine, by all means, pull on your jorts and your braided belt and head back to catch that Vanilla Ice show you always dreamed of. But after you raise the roof to “Ice Ice, Baby,” come back and burn them both.
3. Skid marks. Wait. What? How did that get there? You do know about this newfangled invention we call toilet tissue, right? And that the unspoken directions for its use are to wipe until you’re not seeing brown stuff anymore. GAH! I kind of understand why Mike wants to open up a new pack of underwear every week now.
4. Why they love boobs so much. I’ve seen men rotate their heads around on their necks like the girl in The Exorcist to look at a big rack passing by. And if the boobs are naked, they’ll trample their own schnauzer to get a look. You have to assume that by the time a guy is 25, he’s seen about 5000 sets of naked boobs (counting photos), at least. When is it enough already? I once asked a good male friend who was in his 30s, “Why are you STILL so eager to see every boob you can, regardless of quality?” His response? ”It’s true that I’ve seen many, many boobs in my time. But I haven’t seen THESE boobs.”
5. Why they say, “I’ll call you,” when they have no intention whatsoever of doing it. I don’t have to worry about this (much) anymore now that I’m married but it sure happened to me a time or ten in my long dating life. Listen guys, just say “Goodnight” or maybe, “See ya later.” Or at least if you’re gonna lie, go big. Tell her you’re leaving on Safari the next day and chances are you’ll be eaten by a Lion so she shouldn’t wait around for the phone to ring.
6. Constant junk adjustment. A definite sign that things have gotten a little too comfortable in your relationship. Guys, please for the love of all that is holy, keep your hands above your waist when you’re in the company of other people. Including and maybe especially, your girl.
7. The incredible obsession with potty talk. It starts when they’re little boys and they seemingly never outgrow it. Every man you know has at least twenty euphemisms for pooping. Just ask him. Now’s probably a good time since he just dropped the kiddies off at the pool. Eeewwww.
8. Their ability to go from absolutely anything to sex in a split second. We just had a giant fight. I’m planning your demise. You wanna have sex. Your mom just called to say Aunt Ina has a goiter. I gag. You wanna have sex. You just fixed the toilet. I wanna pee. You wanna have sex.
9. Why they won’t ask for directions, nor accept directional help, anywhere, ever, no matter how lost they are. I’ve been lost, in the car, with a man who insisted on pulling over to the side of the road and studying a map instead of just letting me input the destination into GPS. I. Do. Not. Get. It.
10. Why they’ll wipe a booger on anything nearby instead of getting up for a tissue. When your man thinks you’re not looking, he’s picking his nose and wiping it on the underside of your couch cushion. I recommend a box of tissues beside the place you can see his butt imprint. Although it still probably won’t help.
Okay, guys, fill me in on the mysteries behind the weird things men do. And ladies, feel free to add to the list. There’s a chance I’ve forgotten one or two items you’d like cleared up.
P.S. This post is a collection of all the many things I’ve wondered about men over the years and is NOT about my husband. He is a study in perfection and doesn’t do any of these annoying things.
P.P.S. He also did not make me write the P.S. ; )