8 Reasons It’s Better To Be a Guy Than a Girl.

Posted on May 7, 2013 by ashersmom

It’s time for another “What He Said, by Mike.” In true Mike fashion, he’s giving us all the many, varied reasons he thinks it’s better to be a dude than a chick. I can think of a few more, like, say, the higher salaries, the easy orgasms, the higher alcohol tolerance and the general lower fat content of their bodies, but hey! Mike’s reasons are totally valid too. And much funnier.

1. Let’s write our name in the snow – Yes, ladies, the ability to pee anytime and anywhere you want is as great as you think it is. Now add the ability to pee standing up and this life function becomes even sweeter. Taking a #1 is minimal time for us. It is like a NASCAR pit stop in the Men’s Room. In fact, we would’ve created a special lounge complete with video game system in our restroom to enjoy our wait for you to finish in your rest room, if there weren’t so many dudes blowing out #2’s in our “pit area.”

2. As Good As It Gets – I can take 10 minutes to get ready or I can take an hour, but at the end – I look exactly the same. It’s tough being a chick with that tedious, time-consuming routine to follow every time you wanna go somewhere. As long as there’s a baseball cap nearby, a man will always look half-way presentable. You’ll never hear dudes gossiping to each other, “What was he thinking not shaving or wearing those shorts?” If it’s a choice between spending more time on outfit coordination or watching Stripes for the 165^th time, Stripes wins every single time. “My philosophy: a hundred-dollar shine on a three-dollar pair of shoes.”

3. Debbie Does Dallas – Porn is completely geared towards men’s fantasies. I’m betting porn isn’t a huge topic during girls’ night out events other than for you to spill to your friends how you busted us watching some. A woman’s body is beautiful. A man’s bits and pieces are ugly. Our interest in porn is directly related to the number of dudes in the video. More men = less interest. Plus, save the story lines for the Notebook. Our interest is only gonna last about 5 minutes anyway…maybe less.

4. This Bud’s for you – This one might be controversial but I think beer is a man’s drink and has always been marketed towards men. When men get together they don’t order a round of Cosmos – it’s pitchers of the cheapest, crappiest beer they can find. With that being said, one of the things I dearly love about my wife is that she likes beer and will always drink cervezas with me, which I find really cool. Plus, I give her the bonus of spouting “I love you” in my burp voice which she finds terribly attractive.

5. Is it hot in here? – Regardless of how our body looks, it’s almost always acceptable for a dude to have his shirt off, if it’s hot. We take our shirts off while mowing the yard, taking a dip in the pool, going for a run, playing ball… And we don’t get a second glance other than you telling your girlfriend it looks like Sasquatch is mowing the lawn. Comfort trumps looks to a man. Plus, if you were to get hot and remove your shirts to cool off, life as we know it would stop, dead in it’s tracks.

6. Does this mean someone is thinking about my privates? Scratching your goods – OK for dudes, not OK for chicks. We spend 80% of our day scratching, adjusting, or just plain holding onto our twigs and berries. Doesn’t matter if we’re watching TV, talking to our buddies, in the grocery store, in church, whatever. That appendage and his two buddies is our security blanket and we are genetically wired to “check on it” and often. Just watch your little male toddler running around the house and tell me I’m wrong. Other than our wives and moms, no one tells us to stop. Now if a gal was to scratch her nether regions 80% of the time, we’d recommend a shot of penicillin.

7. That’ll do pig, that’ll do – Yes, we’re pigs, in every sense of the word and we know it. We act like them, we smell like them, and we usually eat like them. The ability to pound down 100 wings or 50 hot dogs is looked upon as a great feat in a man’s world. You’ll never see a girl sitting in front of 5 pounds of cheddar fries with her girlfriends chanting Go! Go! Go! Go!”

8. You want the regular or deluxe manicure? – Getting nails done is a huge event for a girl and somehow takes hours. Most men can do their nails in 5 minutes and not get one sideways glance when we show the nastiness of them in public. Here’s my process, stick finger in mouth, grip nail with teeth, bite, pull, spit nail on floor, repeat. It is not pretty, it doesn’t look good, but it gets the job done. I know it’s a bad habit but I’m 100% sure that my last official act on this earth will be me biting my nails as my heart beats for the last time.

Yeah, it’s great to be a dude and thank God I was born this way because I’d be the nastiest chick on this planet. And those are the 8 reasons it’s better to be a dude than a chick. If you give me 8 minutes, I can think of (at least) 88 more!

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What She REALLY Wants for Mother’s Day

Posted on May 6, 2013 by ashersmom

Hey, you! Stop picking through the sad remains of Mother’s Day cards in Target. Step away from the awful, already wilting bouquet of mixed blooms in Publix. And for God’s sake, don’t even think about letting Jane Seymour talk you into buying that godawful open hearts necklace for her.

Because today, I’m letting you in on a little secret about what moms really want for Mother’s Day. Their true heart’s desire…the way to make your wife the happiest she can possibly be on HER day…is to pack up those kids and take them somewhere for the weekend. Or at the very least, for the afternoon.

Yes, it’s true. What she wants most on Mother’s Day is a break from being a mother.

Your wife may not feel comfortable telling you this, so I will.

Let’s use my husband as an illustration.

I woke up the Thursday before Valentine’s Day to a note that said, “Happy Valentine’s Day. Your to-do list for today: pack bags for the kids because I’m taking them to my parents for the weekend!”

It’s important to remember, dads, that YOU must go too. I’m sure you’re thinking, “WHAT? She just wants a break from the kids, not me. She wants to spend some private time with me!”

No. No, she doesn’t.

Think for just a minute about how often your wife, the mother of your children gets to spend alone time in her own house.

Perhaps you can think of a weekend trip she took 2 years ago without the kids? Not the same. We’re talking specifically about time in her own home where she’s not taking care of anyone. And she doesn’t have to do ANYTHING she doesn’t want to do. Not even converse. And she can make a meal out of a carton of ice cream and some wine and go right back to doing nothing in her pajamas. This is her Mother’s Day dream.

Gabe pulled out of the driveway with our 2 kids headed to Florida the Friday before Valentine’s Day and for about 20 minutes, I walked around the house trying to figure out what to do with myself. It’d been at least 2 years since I’d had a weekend alone in my own house. 2 YEARS! I was confused and my body was used to being in perpetual motion. I started a load of laundry. I loaded the dishwasher. And then I thought — WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING??!!!

Once I sat down and put my feet up, I realized I was free. Really free. I watched a movie in the middle of the afternoon! And it was a grown-up movie! And I picked it with no input from anyone else! I only paused it when I wanted to pause it! And that was to take a spontaneous nap. Because I COULD!

And they were gone the entire weekend.

Let’s stop a moment while we let the applause for my husband die down.

Waiting.

Still waiting.

Okay, all together now, “What a man, what a man, what a mighty good man!”

Here’s my sidebar message to you, the husband (or partners) — it’s important for you to realize that she loves you and the kids more than anything. Truly she does. But if you want to give her what she really wants and deserves on Mother’s Day, pack up those kids! Even if you can’t pull off an entire weekend, you can take them out for a long, extended day at the zoo or to the park and the movies.

Because what she needs the most on Mother’s Day is a break. Not a breakfast in bed then she has to get up and clean the mess everyone made kind of break. A real, no one around to take care of break. A couple of days to remember what it’s like to do what SHE wants to do.

So, yeah. Go ahead and buy that lame Mother’s Day card from Target. It’ll be fine. As long as what you write in it is, “Happy Mother’s Day. We’ll see you on Monday.”

P.S. She also really wants a copy of I Just Want To Pee Alone. Maybe even a signed one. Click here.

P.P.S. If you missed Mother’s day, no worries. This gift is perfect any weekend of the year. And if you give it to her, I bet you get a gift too. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.

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And instagram. Basically, just follow me around all day, mmmkay?

The Sweetness Gene

Posted on May 3, 2013 by ashersmom

My husband is a sweet-freak who comes from a long line of sweet-freaks.

When we were first dating, I noticed this scenario was often repeated in the evenings (take your mind out of the gutter!).

Dinner has just ended. Gabe pushes back a bit from the table, wipes his face, puts his napkin back on his lap and says, “You know what we need? We need some ice cream.”

Eventually, I was invited to dinner to meet his parents. We had a wonderful, convivial meal with endless food, cocktails and conversation. It went as good as a meal to meet your future in-laws could go. After the food was cleared, there was a short pause and then Gabe’s dad pushed back from the table, put his napkin back in his lap and said, “You know what we need? We need some ice cream.”

Within a few weeks, I was introduced to Gabe’s grandparents over a lunch at their favorite spot. After the server took the remnants of our chicken salad sandwiches away, Granddaddy pushed back from the table and said, “You know what we need…”

I tried to make eye contact with Gabe. Nothing.

When we were back in the car, I mentioned how funny it was to me that they all said the same thing after a meal. Even their mannerisms were exactly the same. And none of them were remotely aware that they did it.

I quickly figured out that having something sweet after a meal was just business as usual for generations of his family. And it certainly didn’t begin and end with ice cream though clearly, that was often the patriarchal choice. Often it was just one piece of candy. But they all needed a “little something sweet” after every meal. Boy, did my kindergartner inherit this candy gene.

The problem is, I’m not fond of giving the kid sugar because he turns into a curtain-climbing, chandelier-swinging Tasmanian Devil of a child with too much of the stuff in his system.

And nobody wants that. Least of all the person who has to pull him down from the chandelier (as if we have one) and clean the curtains (as if I would).

Enter Werther’s Original Sugar-free Candy. Werther’s sent me a few sugar-free flavors to try and both my husband’s and my son’s sweet tooths (sweet teeth?) were satisfied by the rich, buttery taste of this sugarless treat. They were both particularly crazy about the Caramel Apple flavor. And I didn’t have to pull either one of them down off the walls.

There’s someone else in my life who has a sweet tooth but has diabetes and now I have the perfect sweet treat idea for her too. I’ll be heading to the store to stock up on the flavors I think she’ll like and making a Mother’s Day gift basket that’s yummy AND safe for her to eat.

And just to show you how weird I am, we had a guy over to fix our oven last week and it just happened to be right when my Werther’s Original Sugar Free Candy package arrived. Because I’m Southern and that’s the way we do it, I immediately opened up the package and offered him some. He said, “Oh no, I have to stay away from sugar.” To which I had the pleasure of replying, “It’s sugar-free.”

He was then happy to take advantage of my Southern hospitality. And my Werther’s Original Sugar Free Candy.

I’m a fan of the Werther’s Original Sugar Free Candy facebook page because they offer fab coupons, giveaways and unique ideas about how to satisfy that urge for sweetness the sugar-free way. Without sacrificing taste. One quick click here and you can join too!
I was selected for this opportunity as a member of Clever Girls Collective, and the content and opinions expressed here are all my own.

8 Funny Ways to Entertain Yourself At The Doctor’s Office.

Posted on May 1, 2013 by ashersmom

Disclaimer: This is a JOKE. Of course, I respect all medical personnel and would never put my saliva all over their tongue depressors or intentionally set off alarms on a blood pressure machine. Ask anyone.

My family had it a little rough in the medical arena last year. If you’re new here, you might want to click here. And here. And maybe here just to catch up.

Things have turned out amazingly well for us in the long run. The baby is a year old (corrected age) and 100% fine and dandy even after all that extended preemie drama.

But let’s just say that between my bed rest, his 2 1/2 month NICU stay and the subsequent doctor and therapy visits that sometimes numbered 7 per week (yes, that’s right…more than one doctor and/or therapy visit on at least 2 of those weekdays), it was quite the challenge.

As you must be able to predict, I did a lot of waiting around. A LOT of waiting around.

Still do, of course. Just not 7 times per week.

When I wasn’t holding my arm up as high as it would go tube-feeding the baby, or lifting him and his heart monitor onto a changing table in a cramped bathroom to relieve him of a dirty diaper, or twiddling my thumbs or moving from the main waiting room to the sub-waiting room to the exam room and then waiting some more, I developed some interesting ways to entertain myself.

Even though you may not be at the doctor 7 times per week, if you have kids, you’re there often enough. And you know what I’m saying when I talk about waiting.

About a month ago, I went to one of the baby’s doctors (and this is a specialist that’s very hard to get into so you just have to take what you get) and after driving 40 minutes to the office in time for my 9:30am appointment, sat in the waiting room with a squirmy baby until 12:45pm without even making it into an exam room. And then sat in the exam room until 1:30pm waiting on the doctor. And then barely got an apology. I’d had a 1-year-old climbing on me like a human jungle gym for 4 HOURS. He’d had no nap. He’d had very little food (since silly me thought we’d be home by lunch time from a 9:30am appt). So, yeah. I wasn’t amused. And the doctor could tell when he finally graced us with his presence.

So, because I think you should benefit from my extensive year-long research into the matter, I am here to teach you 8 creative ways to pass the time while you wait at doctor’s office. And wait. And wait. And. wait.

1. Learn how you could’ve made 1 Million Dollars. Back in 1987.

2. Guess how many tongue depressors are in the jar. Take them out and count them. If your guess was within 10 in either direction, you win. Lick them all then put them back in the jar.

3. Find reading materials that will inspire you to diet by making sure you never want to eat things like nuts or sausage ever ever ever again.

4. Run in place until you can’t breathe, then hook yourself up to the blood pressure machine and press go. See how long it takes for someone to finally enter the room.

5. Rate your spelling capabilities against those of the medical personnel in the office you’re visiting. If you find errors, circle them and write in the correct spelling with a pen from your purse. Then write, “Guess medical school doesn’t teach you everything, does it, dummy!”

6. Mess with the computer even though the sign says don’t mess with the computer. Cancel the doctor’s 4pm massage.

7. Make every hand gesture you can think of with vinyl exam gloves. Tape them up around the exam room. Pretend you don’t see anything unusual when the doctor enters the room.

8. Pretend you’re 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea. Announce “There She Blows!” to the doctor when she finally walks into the room.

I’ve shared with you my 8 tried and true (funny) ways to entertain myself while waiting on doctors. Try them. You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll laugh while you cry. And you’ll probably come up with some more. PLEASE share them with me. I can only read so many magazines from 1987 before I get the yen to start wearing jellies again. And that would be, like, totally gnarly, dude.