It’s time for another “What He Said, by Mike.” In true Mike fashion, he’s giving us all the many, varied reasons he thinks it’s better to be a dude than a chick. I can think of a few more, like, say, the higher salaries, the easy orgasms, the higher alcohol tolerance and the general lower fat content of their bodies, but hey! Mike’s reasons are totally valid too. And much funnier.
1. Let’s write our name in the snow – Yes, ladies, the ability to pee anytime and anywhere you want is as great as you think it is. Now add the ability to pee standing up and this life function becomes even sweeter. Taking a #1 is minimal time for us. It is like a NASCAR pit stop in the Men’s Room. In fact, we would’ve created a special lounge complete with video game system in our restroom to enjoy our wait for you to finish in your rest room, if there weren’t so many dudes blowing out #2’s in our “pit area.”
2. As Good As It Gets – I can take 10 minutes to get ready or I can take an hour, but at the end – I look exactly the same. It’s tough being a chick with that tedious, time-consuming routine to follow every time you wanna go somewhere. As long as there’s a baseball cap nearby, a man will always look half-way presentable. You’ll never hear dudes gossiping to each other, “What was he thinking not shaving or wearing those shorts?” If it’s a choice between spending more time on outfit coordination or watching Stripes for the 165th time, Stripes wins every single time. “My philosophy: a hundred-dollar shine on a three-dollar pair of shoes.”
3. Debbie Does Dallas – Porn is completely geared towards men’s fantasies. I’m betting porn isn’t a huge topic during girls’ night out events other than for you to spill to your friends how you busted us watching some. A woman’s body is beautiful. A man’s bits and pieces are ugly. Our interest in porn is directly related to the number of dudes in the video. More men = less interest. Plus, save the story lines for the Notebook. Our interest is only gonna last about 5 minutes anyway…maybe less.
4. This Bud’s for you – This one might be controversial but I think beer is a man’s drink and has always been marketed towards men. When men get together they don’t order a round of Cosmos – it’s pitchers of the cheapest, crappiest beer they can find. With that being said, one of the things I dearly love about my wife is that she likes beer and will always drink cervezas with me, which I find really cool. Plus, I give her the bonus of spouting “I love you” in my burp voice which she finds terribly attractive.
5. Is it hot in here? – Regardless of how our body looks, it’s almost always acceptable for a dude to have his shirt off, if it’s hot. We take our shirts off while mowing the yard, taking a dip in the pool, going for a run, playing ball… And we don’t get a second glance other than you telling your girlfriend it looks like Sasquatch is mowing the lawn. Comfort trumps looks to a man. Plus, if you were to get hot and remove your shirts to cool off, life as we know it would stop, dead in it’s tracks.
6. Does this mean someone is thinking about my privates? Scratching your goods – OK for dudes, not OK for chicks. We spend 80% of our day scratching, adjusting, or just plain holding onto our twigs and berries. Doesn’t matter if we’re watching TV, talking to our buddies, in the grocery store, in church, whatever. That appendage and his two buddies is our security blanket and we are genetically wired to “check on it” and often. Just watch your little male toddler running around the house and tell me I’m wrong. Other than our wives and moms, no one tells us to stop. Now if a gal was to scratch her nether regions 80% of the time, we’d recommend a shot of penicillin.
7. That’ll do pig, that’ll do – Yes, we’re pigs, in every sense of the word and we know it. We act like them, we smell like them, and we usually eat like them. The ability to pound down 100 wings or 50 hot dogs is looked upon as a great feat in a man’s world. You’ll never see a girl sitting in front of 5 pounds of cheddar fries with her girlfriends chanting Go! Go! Go! Go!”
8. You want the regular or deluxe manicure? – Getting nails done is a huge event for a girl and somehow takes hours. Most men can do their nails in 5 minutes and not get one sideways glance when we show the nastiness of them in public. Here’s my process, stick finger in mouth, grip nail with teeth, bite, pull, spit nail on floor, repeat. It is not pretty, it doesn’t look good, but it gets the job done. I know it’s a bad habit but I’m 100% sure that my last official act on this earth will be me biting my nails as my heart beats for the last time.
Yeah, it’s great to be a dude and thank God I was born this way because I’d be the nastiest chick on this planet. And those are the 8 reasons it’s better to be a dude than a chick. If you give me 8 minutes, I can think of (at least) 88 more!