There was a tableful of our favorite foods (homemade hors d’oeuvres when we weren’t so busy, a plate of Cheese Krystals when we were) and of course, the cocktails, and the snarky comments, flowed all night long.
I still love awards shows but since I had kids, the fun-meter just barely reaches a 1 during the event. I’m sick of it, so this year we’re turning it all the way up to 11.
How you ask? Easy. We’re making the whole show a drinking game that revolves around being a parent.
First, gather a variety of alcoholic beverages, some shot glasses, wine glasses, beer mugs…hell, just move your entire bar into the living room.
Now follow along with these rules:
Turn on the red carpet portion of the show. Your kids will still be awake. Every time a boy child interrupts you to ask why a man on screen is dressed like a penguin, drink a shot of blue curacoa. Every time a girl child interrupts you to ask if the woman on screen is a princess, take a sip of a Cosmopolitan. Every time a baby tries to nurse through your shirt, drink a Slippery Nipple. (But then, ya know, maybe give the baby a bottle instead).
Just before the Oscar telecast, put the kids to bed.
Grab the kids’ dinner plates and that leftover cake you hid behind the dog food in the pantry and put them on the coffee table. This is your Oscar buffet.
Settle in for Oscar host and crude humorist Seth McFarlane’s opening number. For every reference to horse semen, bestiality, or a dog joyously eating the contents of a baby’s diaper, gargle a sip of beer and add another season of Family Guy to your netflix cue.
Every time a child interrupts you by crying or getting out of bed begging for a drink of water, sigh dramatically, take a sip of “whine” and begin stand-off with your spouse about whose turn it is to put child back in his room. If he cracks first, take 2 sips of wine and turn up the volume on the TV.
Starting to feel a little lightheaded? Eat the gnawed-on, cold quarter of a grilled cheese sandwich your son wiped his nose with just before he left the table so you have a base for the remainder of the game.
Now that you’ve reached your happy place and there are (hopefully) no more interruptions from the kids, it’s important to set a pace.
Every time a winner holds up her Oscar and says, “This is for you, mom,” take a sip of wine, spill some on your blouse, look at your spouse and mumble, “Ungrateful little bastards never thank me for anything.” Burp, then go to the kitchen to refill your glass.
During the death montage, try not to let your crazy-mom-hormones get the better of you. If you begin to cry before it’s halfway over, finish your cocktail in one gulp, ask your husband to hold you then tearfully tell him the only way to counteract death is with life and you want to have another baby.
When an actor holding an Academy Award in his hand names his kids as inspiration and then tells them they’re up past their bedtime and to “go to sleep,” knock back 2 baby aspirin with a champagne chaser and go to bed.
There are 3 more hours left in the telecast but let’s be honest. You can’t do it like you used to and there is no hell like taking care of kids when you’re hungover.
Good night everyone and thank you for playing The Academy Awards Drinking Game, Parent Edition.