Lies Men Tell Women

Posted on February 12, 2013 by ashersmom

A couple of weeks ago, I was inspired by some of my facebook friends to write Lies Woman Tell Themselves. Which naturally led right into Lies Men Tell Themselves.

But a series about LIES would be nothing without the ones we tell other people. The easiest one to come up with? Lies Men Tell Women. I might’ve heard a few of these in my many years of dating. Like 3 million times.

1. I aced my SATs.

2. I was in a band.

3. I don’t really like big boobs.

4. I’ll call you.

5. I played a little football in college.

6. I wasn’t looking at her.

7. I could beat that guy’s ass.

8. I’ve slept with a LOT of women.

9. I’ve only slept with 2 women.

10. Your butt doesn’t look big in those jeans.

11. You’re the best sex I’ve ever had.

12. I lift weights.

13. I don’t watch porn.

14. I love your cooking.

15. I don’t masterbate.

16. We’re not lost.

17. I can fix anything.

18. Strip clubs are stupid.

19. I don’t have a girlfriend.

20. I can’t sleep unless I’m in my own bed.

21. I’m stuck in traffic.

22. I’ve never thought about any of your friends that way.

23. I’m ready to settle down.

24. I can’t wait to meet your parents.

25. I’d be totally cool with you making more money than me.

I started out planning to make this a top 10 list but then I. Just. Couldn’t. Stop. But don’t get too upset, guys. Fair is fair. Lies Women Tell Men is up next.

In the meantime, I know you can think of at least 20 more lies men tell women without even straining yourself. I’m waiting… (oh sure, you’re stuck in traffic again, no problem…)

Like T&T on facebook. Follow @toulouseNtonic on twitter. And pinterest. And instagram. Basically, just follow me around all day, mmmkay?

Lies Men Tell Themselves

Posted on January 24, 2013 by ashersmom

On Tuesday, after having some real sour cream and realizing I’d been lying to myself for a decade about the low-fat stuff, I wrote THE TOP LIES WOMEN TELL THEMSELVES.

Now it’s time to turn the tables.

Because men do it too, baby.

So here are The Top 15 Lies Men Tell Themselves.

1. I can totally fix the toilet myself.

2. Buffalo wings are a good source of protein.

3. I need the Magnum condoms.

4. I could beat that guy’s ass.

5. I’m the best sex she’s ever had.

6. I look just like I did in high school.

7. She definitely came. Maybe twice.

8. This comb-over is fooling everybody.

9. My old Levis are still in style.

10. I look cool with my baseball cap turned backwards.

11. This untucked shirt totally hides my beer belly.

12. I didn’t get screwed by that mechanic.

13. All lesbians secretly wanna have a threesome with me.

14. Chicks dig giving blow-jobs.

15. His girlfriend totally wants me.

You’ll notice that the top 20 lies women tell themselves are disproportionately about things that go into women’s bodies. And so are the men’s.

Like T&T on facebook. Follow @toulouseNtonic on twitter. And pinterest. And instagram. Basically, just follow me around all day, mmmkay?

Hey ladies…can I get a virtual high five? Up high…

And down low…

Milestones

Posted on September 17, 2012 by ashersmom

Current milestones at our home:

A, Age: 5

Started kindergarten

Didn’t get kicked out of kindergarten. Fingers crossed, 4 weeks in.

Decided of his own volition to start calling me by my first name instead of mommy, which puts me in danger of having an Amber Alert taken out on me. Especially when he screams things in public like, “I don’t wanna go with you, Toulouse. Leave me alone!”

M, Age: somewhere in the 5 1/2 – 8 month range; No, i didn’t steal him from a hospital delivery room – he’s a preemie. Serious preemie.

Sitting up when propped on his hands. Looks like chimp. Darwinists, debate.

Has achieved Olympic levels of sharting. Score 10. Times a day.

No longer has a heart monitor.

Toulouse, Age: are you kidding me?

No longer pees on self when laughing. Most of the time.

Wore pair of pre-pregnancy jeans out of house. Barely concealed muffin top.

Drove speed limit today. One way.

G, Age: Younger than me, older than the kids.

Is up to listening to 17% of things I say to him that don’t involve the words “sex,” “boob” and “money.”