This week, I presented another post in the feature, “What He Said, by Mike.” This one about how to know when your wife has gotten too comfortable with you. Mike presents valid arguments like she wears sweats and socks to bed and offers a complete lack of grooming down below…IF she offers anything. Am I guilty of some of those things on occasion? Perhaps.
1. When you first met, his “lounge-wear” was a sexy pair of ripped jeans and a t-shirt that matched his eyes. Now it seems the only “comfortable” piece of clothing he owns is those hideous, baggy, ginormous nylon gym shorts he puts on as soon as he gets home from work and wears all weekend long. You secretly harbor plans to “disappear” them next time that ball sweat-smell finally lands them in the laundry room.
2. Remember back when he was brushing his teeth or popping listerine strips before every kiss? Probably not because it’s been so long. Now he doesn’t bother to brush his teeth before planting one on you in the mornings, making you swoon for entirely different reasons.
3. There was a time that he quietly snuck off to the bathroom, turned on the fan to drown out any noise and lit a match and sprayed room deodorizer before he reappeared. Now, bathroom visits are followed by a loud “WHEW!” and further announcements about how well it did or didn’t go, how much it stinks in there, and/or how much less he weighs now.
4. That man that used to hold your hair, get you water and hold a cold compress to your forehead when you vomited? Now he just yells, “Let me know if you need something” from the other room without even pausing the game.
5. Oh the romantic candlelight dinners at the fanciest restaurant in town! Now the only places he ever takes you out to dinner involve groupons.
6. His man-grooming used to put him in the same league as Ryan Seacrest but now you’re keeping regular company with strange pubic-like hairs that protrude from his nose, back and neck.
7. Back in the day, you were certain your man was one of the few people on earth with no gastrointestinal issues. Now burps and farts are dealt wherever he happens to be standing and he can’t be bothered to even say “excuse me.” In fact, he often laughs, waves his hand in the air and says, “Whew, that STINKS!” as if he’s proud.
8. He’s standing in front of you discussing plans like what you wanna do for Spring Break, just like the old days. Except this time, he’s digging in deep and scratching his under-balls without even noticing it.
9. Remember back when he always had to have a hand on you, even when you were both just lounging in front of the TV? Now that hand is perpetually down his pants instead.
10. Opening the door for you and pulling out your chair have given way to pounding on the bathroom door yelling, “Are you ready yet?” and “What is taking so long in there?” then “warming up” the car, racing the engine and blowing the horn while you finish getting ready.
If you can think of any more signs your man has gotten too comfortable with you, add them in the comments. I bet we can bump this list up to at least 30.
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