Hey ladies, it’s that time again. So many of you enjoyed Mike’s guest post, “The Top 10 Sucky Things About Being Married to a Pregnant Woman” that I brought him back for more.
This time, he’s telling it like it is about women letting it slide after they’ve been married awhile. What’s “it,” you ask? Read on.
1. Underwear – After your offspring are produced, the only sexy panties you see are on the pages of the Victoria Secret’s catalog that shows up in your mail box. Word of caution, gentlemen, this magazine is a recipe for disaster. It’ll conjure up questions like “How do you think I would look in this?” and “Do you like her body?” Tell your wife you have to take a dump and back slowly away. BTW ladies, let me just say – bring on the granny panties!! Who cares what your underwear looks like? Any dude that says he wouldn’t knock boots with his wife because her underwear isn’t sexy is a bold-faced liar. We don’t require much fanfare. If you’re offering, we taking – plain and simple.
2. Wearing sweats and socks to bed – Long gone are the days of sexy honeymoon lingerie. Now your gal comes to bed wearing sweatpants, socks and a t-shirt with holes in it, fully prepared just in case the heater breaks in the middle of the night. Is there anything less sexy than a pair of thick, wool socks in your bed? I hope you’re lucky enough for your spouse to wear the type that have a rubber grip sole on them. Perfect for exfoliating your leg hair while she sleeps.
3. Romantic settings — I remember when seeing candles lit as you came through the front door after work was a sign that a night of romantic activity was about to begin. Bow chicka wow wow! Today, not so much. Now it means the dog took a dump in the house and the candle is the only line of defense to dissipate the unholy smell embedded in your carpet. Even I’m not even immune to this treatment. I exit the bathroom to lit “baking sugar cookies” candles after a bathroom session of checking Facebook. Even I will confess at this point I don’t think I will ever be able to eat a sugar cookies again. And lighting them for an sexually charged, amorous night ??? Sorry – all that does is remind me of the dump the dog took earlier.
4. Should I Stay or Should I Go? – Remember the old nursery rhyme – Take a pee, OK with me, drop a deuce, be in recluse. OK, maybe it wasn’t a rhyme, but it should be a damn law. Perfectly fine for your little one to grunt out a deuce while telling you how their school day was. Not OK for your lovely bride to be do the same thing. Just be like me — grab your iPhone, lock yourself in your little “ panic room,” get caught up on Facebook stuff, and do your business – alone. And for sure don’t ask me to get a tampon for you. Unless it’s written on the box, I can’t tell which one is for heavy flow, has wings, or is used for riding a horse. You’ll most likely get me running in the other room then yelling I can’t hear you.
5. Give me some Hair, Long Beautiful Hair — Gone are the days when your woman jumped out of bed before you woke up in the mornings to smooth her hair or at least check her bed head to make sure it was that sexy, JBF look. But guess what? It doesn’t matter to dudes. Messy hair is just fine by me. In fact, I’m a huge fan of the ponytail. The girl that can pull off a cool pony tail will always get a few extra points in my book. I’ve never liked over big Texas-sized hair. You put all that mousse in your hair and I start conjuring up thoughts of the Something About Mary baby batter scene. I might be the only dude in America who can’t wait for my locks to fall out – one less thing to draw attention to me. Now if I could just get my back hair to follow suit then life would be grand.
6. The marital orbit (socializing) – It’s a scientific fact that the newer your relationship, the more you check in with your spouse at a party. Or maybe you just spend the entire social event glued to each other. After a while, you separate soon after arrival and then just check back in with each other every now and then when you go to grab another beer or hit the bathroom. Eventually, your wife will leave you as soon as you arrive and you’ll be lucky to see her again before it’s time to go home. Here’s to hoping she doesn’t forget you’re even there and leave you at the end of the night.
7. Grooming – This is a tricky one. Toulouse has written about the strange phenomenon known as vajazzling. Vajazzling is for single women. When you’re married and your wife gets comfortable with you – the “style” of that area is no longer up for discussion. It becomes her decision and it’s usually whatever is easy and fast. Which means no rhinestones and no brazilians. Every dude has an opinion on what they want they wanna see down there, but it’s truly not gonna stop us. I’m usually so glad to just have an invitation that it could’ve looked like a Duck Dynasty character and I was still game.
8. Why Do You Have a Cell Phone If You Are Not Going To Answer It?! – If anyone says they’ve never uttered that phrase when calling their spouse, I’m calling BS on you. I just get a text from her, I can’t text while driving, so I call her right back (Thanks, Siri), and nothing. Crickets. Voicemail. Call again. Voicemail. I’ve seen quicker responses form koala bears who are high on eucalyptus leaves. Compare it to the way she reacts when one of her girlfriend calls to talk her babble – she answers it like a lioness pouncing on a gazelle carrying a diamond in its teeth.
9. Radio silence – Yep, it happens to everyone. Alone time with your wife and she’s got nothing to say. Zero. Zilch. She’s sick of talking about the kids and sick of talking about work so she just stops talking. Then you spy another couple struggling with their two rug rats and you view the mound of crackers and cookies on the floor under their table and you look at your wife and you’re both thinking “better them then us.” Silence. It’s really not so bad.
10. I’m not laughing with you, I am laughing at you – I remember the days when the most inane, stupid crap would come out of my mouth and my “soon to be” wife would just die laughing like it was the funniest thing ever uttered on this planet. For all you haters out there …. yes, she finds me just as stupid as you do. If I had a dollar for every eye roll I got, I’d be on a beach and someone else would be typing up this drivel for you to snack on. Anything insanely funny that happened at work gets the blank stare with maybe a chuckle. Now … let it be something stupid I did or said and the laughter rolls out of her like coins in a slot machine. I recently told her about me putting on my boxers backwards and the panic that ensued at the urinal as I tried to find the pee hole in my shorts before wetting myself and she almost passed out laughing.
Now read 10 Signs Your Husband is too Comfortable With You. You know, just to balance things out.
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