A while back, I invited a friend of mine named Mike to write a guest post for my blog after he sent me some thoughts about my post The Top 10 Sucky Things About Being Pregnant. Let’s just say that Mike is not afraid to go there. His post The Top 10 Sucky Things About Being Married to a Pregnant Woman went viral – with most people getting his sense of humor, but some decidedly NOT getting it. Go read the post and then have a little fun reading the comments. Go ahead, we’ll wait.
photo credit David Roseborough
Funny, right? And honest. He’s a brave man, that Mike.
And now he’s back with even more sucky things about being married to a pregnant woman. I thought he had it covered the first time. Turns out we must be pretty big assholes when we’re pregnant – because he had no trouble coming up with 10 more.
1. Baby Books – For thousands of years people have been birthing and raising babies without the need of a so-called expert to advise them on what to expect when you’re expecting or how to properly raise your child. Don’t give these “authors” another penny. Here’s some free advice that’ll save you a shit-ton of cash – use your money to buy 50 pacifiers (you’ll need every single one of them), all the diapers you can stuff in your cart (damn things are expensive), and condoms so you don’t slip up and make another bundle of joy while taking care of your current bundle of joy. Here’s my expert advice: just love them – easy peasy.
2. YouTube – “Hey, I have a great idea! Let’s record a one second of video of your growing belly each and every day until Junior arrives and post it on YouTube for all to see!” Let me enlighten you – no one cares. And surprise, you won’t care either (or ever watch it again) after creating this video. Now if you post a video of you making your little cherub, me and 750,000 of my closest friends will watch it many times over.
3. Gender Reveal Parties – Seriously?!?! Who gives a shit?? This might be the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Invite a whole bunch of people over just to cut into a pink cake or open a box of blue balloons to let everyone know if the impending infant will have a penis or a vagina. Seriously, just send me an email. Better yet, send me your birth announcement with the new family member’s name on it and see if I can figure it out myself. Montana? Bryden? Peyton? Hermione? I give up.
4. Gift Registries – Take it from someone who’s walked this trail. You don’t need 95% of the shit they sell in Babies R Us. The diaper Genie?? Please – most of the poopy diapers you change will be thrown at your spouse sitting on the couch (by the way – their reaction is gold!). Clothes? Come on – your child will spend all their time in a “Onesie” or just a pamper until they get toddler age. And for sure don’t buy the $90 micro-sized Air Jordans when they’re 3 months old. 2 days later they’ll already have outgrown them. Buy only the necessities and bank the rest – believe me, you’re going to need every penny to get this child though their life.
5. Folding clothes – This is a skill I never mastered which is why I always look like an unmade bed. But I always tried to do my part. Nothing more like a kick in the nuts than thinking you’re helping out your hormonal pregnant wife only to have her inform you that you folded them wrong, sigh loudly, unfold everything, and then begin to refold it all again in front of you. And we wonder why men never do laundry.
6. Sonogram pictures – Name another type of picture that’s so bad that you have to actually point out what shadow is a hand or a head? These things are awful. I could spot the features of the Loch Ness monster photo easier. Amazing to me that the TSA can x-ray your luggage to see exactly what’s in it, but we have yet to develop the technology to get a good look at what’s growing inside of you women. I say let’s install a porthole in these bellies so we can truly see these little dudes and duddettes grow.
7. The Cadillac – Your woman will want the best of everything for your baby so take it from someone who’s been down this path a few times, you don’t need the Graco Lewis and Clark 4-wheel drive stroller with air conditioning, a drink holder, faux wood paneling, a built in cooler and a million storage compartments that weighs 200 pounds. Sure, it adds a layer of prestige and coolness to you as you wheel your precious baby around the park but only to the other “deer in the headlight” future parents. All parents with kids will shake their head and whisper “dumb ass” as you pass. Plus, lugging it in and out of your Honda minivan only makes you a chiropractor’s dream. Get the $20 umbrella stroller. They serve your purpose and are light as hell. You won’t be as cool but your back will thank you.
8. Hot Tub Time Machine – Giving birth in a bathtub at home?? Seriously! They have this place with doctors and nurses and medical equipment called, what was it? Oh, yeah – a hospital! Why would you risk having your baby anywhere else? Does anyone truly think that a baby born in your home in a candlelit tub filled with warm water turns out any different than one that pops out into a doctor’s hands? Unless of course something goes wrong. At least go get into the bathtub at the hospital!
9. Grandma Showers – did I hear this correctly? We’re now having baby showers for impending grandmas? Sorry, Gender Reveal Parties, we have a new winner for stupidest party idea ever.
10. Decked out nurseries – It’s always cracked me up to see people construct these Better Homes and Gardens baby palaces for their little one. You do realize that your bundle of joy will be sleeping in your bed or in the baby swing most of the time, don’t you? That is, WHEN he or she sleeps at all. You do realize that you will be changing your immaculate infant on the dirty couch that you probably conceived him on. And that beautiful very expensive mural of a pelican delivering your baby you had painted in your child’s room will have a poop-stained diaper thrown at it in a missed attempt to hit you. Sorry, I never had good aim : )
Mike’s sense of humor meshes so well with mine, I gave him his own feature called “What He Said, by Mike.” So if you think this post is the opposite of sucky, wipe away those tears of laughter and read more here. He takes on everything from The Bachelor to how to know if your wife has gotten too comfortable with you to why it’s better to be a guy than a chick. He thinks he’s a bit of an asshole but he’s really a sweetie pie. He slipped up and let his teddy bear side show in this post about what he’s learned now that his kids are all grown.
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These can also be 10 sucky things about being related to someone that is pregnant in general. Especially Number 3. Because no one actually cares as much about your baby as you do so don’t make us feel like we’re obligated to do so!!
Grandma parties? There is not a big enough font for me to express how DUMB that is.
So true. Anyone throwing themselves a Grandma Party needs to find somewhere to volunteer some of the (way too much) time on their hands.