Last week, I wrote How To Stay Sane at Disney World, including tips about saving money and scoring that cocktail you need, even in the Magic Kingdom. We had a really great time at Disney World and Universal Studios but there is definitely an art to doing it right (read: not losing your entire wallet and your mind amongst the crowds). Go read my tips and then come back here to read Mike’s crabby ass response to my post, called 10 Things I Hate About Disney World. As always, he’ll have you laughing out loud – but there are lessons to be learned in his post too. Read on.
Mike’s Top 10 Huge Ass Whips of Disney World (What Mike prefers to call this post)
OK, I’ll admit it – Disney World truly is a magical place and all kids should go there at least once in their lifetime. What gets my cheese (get it ? Mouse ?? Cheese ?? Damn, I’m good) is that Disney World knows this and knows they have you by the short and curlies. You’ve made it this far so now you are going to do everything in your power to make this trip a fabulous memory for your little one. Get ready for the fleecing. This is just my PSA to all of you so you truly know what you are in for. Here are 10 Things I Hate About Disney World.
1. Lines – everything in Disney requires a line. There is a line to check into the hotel, there is a line to get on a monorail, there is a line to get through security, to get into the park, at the rides, to look at the picture they took of you while you were on the ride, etc. The whole time you’re standing in line, your little one will be bitching about having to stand in line. And if your little one isn’t bitching, the family’s little one behind you will be. You will wait for everything. I swear you could place a sign like “Take a look down the Mysterious Rabbit Hole” next to a trash can and there would be a 20 person line waiting to take a gander. By the end of your trip, you will be so frustrated with waiting for EVERYTHING that you will be pushing grandmas and cute kids on crutches out of the way to get better line placement
2. Dumb Ass People – I’m sure I will come off as a dick person when I say this but I have always said that everyone should be required to attend a “Rules of Disney” training session before they are granted access to the park. Mandatory. This would not be a complicated class – just simple basic guidelines to follow. One class would be Line Etiquette. See this? It’s called a line. See the direction everyone’s ass is facing? It’s called the end of the line. This is where you need to be standing if you want to ride this damn ride. Also, if you are in line in front of me, don’t be thinking your whole freaking 40 person travel party is going to cut line ahead of me to stand with you. I’m tired and have been in this hot sun all day so I am about to create a park incident by taking your fake Gucci bag and taking a dump in it.
3. High dollar crappy food – You will never see anyone post their Disney meal on FB. Why? Embarrassment. It portrays to all your friends that you are the dumbest ass on this planet by paying crazy dollars to the Mouse for a meal you could get at McDonald’s for $5. You’re hungry. Your kids are hungry. They’ve got you right where they want you. What are you going to do? Where else you going to go? You have to get the $20 Mickey burger and fries. For each person. So with a family of 5, you just spent $100 on 5 hamburgers. Seriously? A hamburger? That is meat and a bun. Oh, and cheese is extra. But of course the patty is shaped like a mouse head – that makes it all worthwhile. And people wonder why we were sneaking in little packs of gold fish crackers and cookies for the kids. Now, I just needed to figure out how to smuggle in some beer to kill this ever growing migraine. (*NOTE FROM TOULOUSE: Oh I have your answer, Mike. Click here.)
4. The Parade of Lights – OK, you’ve had a long day of dragging the kids over 30 miles from one side of the park to the other and from one park to the other. You (and they) are tired, hungry, thirsty (you just want that flippin’ beer), but you have GOT to see the Parade of Lights even though you’ve seen it on YouTube a million times. You stake out a spot and fight off all other park attendees so that your little ones can have a great view of the parade only to have them either fall asleep right at the start of the parade or cry the whole time this acid induced idea of a parade drones on. Great idea of filming this event which one day will be fast forwarded through when showing friends your trip to Disney. No way around it – you have to go. I am just preparing you for the pain you are about to endure
5. Rides – Don’t expect these to be the exciting, fun filled, testicles in your throat type rides. These rides blow. They are slow and not remotely exciting. They are like a leisurely stroll while reading a good book you’ve read a 100 times. This is opposite of Six Flags which is like 6 shots of Fireball and then running a mile backwards with your pants set on fire. The kids’ attention is captured for 30 seconds then they are as whipped as you with the ride. There is a reason Disney wraps these rides in flashing lights and cute songs pumping out of every nook and cranny. Even they know they suck.
6. Ticket Prices – I was bitching and moaning about Disney ticket prices 18 years ago. I can’t even imagine what they are today. Whatever the cost, even base level tickets mean that you are paying a shitload of money to stand in the longest lines with other dumb asses too cheap to upgrade. Oh, and give the Mouse more money and you can stand in a shorter line. Oh, and give the Mouse even more money and you can go to the head of the line, Oh, and give the Mouse even more money and we will let you … you get the picture … bend over and get ready for rodent lovin’.
7. 360 Theaters – So Disney had these things everywhere when we went. They film these scenes like you are actually the subject that is flying or driving. There is a reason they put hand rails in these things – so dumb asses like me don’t fall down as they are watching this flying through the Grand Canyon film coming at you from all angles. At first I thought these were cool, but after about a dozen of these damn things, I was getting nauseous. Finally, I would just close my eyes and not watch. Yeah, I’m a wuss.
8. Epcot – seriously, this is what they thought the future would be like? This is just a monument to dumb ass hypotheses. (is this even a word?). The most boring part of Disney. It’s just a bunch of “Here’s what we thought the future would be in the 60’s” exhibits. Not to mention the creepy ass animatronic robots everywhere. Save your time and go back to the room and watch Back to the Future 2.
*NOTE FROM TOULOUSE: We did enjoy a little of the Around the World portion of Epcot even with our 7yo in tow and this is the magic that made that possible.
9. Ears – that’s right, I said it and I will say it again. Chill on the ears already. It’s bad enough the park “forces” you to buy them (You don’t want to be the one dad whose kid is an outcast by not having a set) but after you acquire them, do we have to wear them all day?! You will never look remotely cool in these things. $0.40 worth the materials and they sell them for like $10. Plus, when will you ever wear them again? Not like you will ever throw them on your head and make a run to the grocery store when you get home to get a few things. It is guarantee these will be crushed during your stay at Disney, prompting a crying fit, prompting another $10 purchase.
*NOTE FROM TOULOUSE: I have a pretty genius suggestion for saving money on souvenirs. Check it out.
10. 76 trombones in the big parade – You are making great time and seeing all kinds of things. Your plan is working. Tap the breaks big guy. About 20 times a day, you will see a stirring along the streets. Ooooo – something good is coming. Not. It is yet another parade of Disney characters. Let the 20 minutes of waiting in the hot sun begin. You nestle your kids’ stroller right along the parade route so they can get a good seat only to have some adult park his fat ass in front of your kid. Let the overzealous indirect rude commenting begin between you and your wife. “That’s OK, honey. Everyone knows Disney really is more for adults than kids.” “Some people are so ignorant of their surroundings” to the more direct ones “Hey, you need to move your ass, we were here first”. Whatever gets the job done so your kid can see the time-wasting character stroll. Disney is such a happy place …
Top 5 Disney Hints
Hey, the trip wasn’t a total whip. We did “stick it to the Mouse” a few times. Here are some hints below …
1. When it rains, it pours … fun – The whole time you are at Disney, pray for rain. When you see the first drops hit the sterile clean asphalt, pull out those rain ponchos and get moving into the park. While all the wusses are running for cover or heading back to the room to get out of the rain, the park will be all yours. Every ride becomes a “get off, get back on” heaven. You are seeing Disney the way it was meant to be seen – fast and fun.
2. Foders – I don’t know if they still make these books, but when you know you are going to Disney, buy the Foders travel book specific for Disney World. It will pay for itself. This book describes the whole park areas and will help you set an agenda of what to see during the day, when to go by rides, and even what line to stand in (go to the Dumbo ride between 1:00 – 1:30, get in the second to the last line on the right. After finishing this ride then high step it to ….). Worked every time for us.
*NOTE FROM TOULOUSE: There’s a strong chance this tip dates Mike’s last trip to Disney strongly. You can probably just use the Disney app now.
3. Photos – plan on taking all your trip photos on the second to last day at Disney. You will have spent 5+ days walking in grueling heat. You haven’t been eating a normal meal since you got there since it is so damn expensive. You have been shedding pounds like you have the flu. You have been in the glowing sun for 4 days so your skin is a nice brownish red tint. You will never look better. Save your photos until the end.
*NOTE FROM TOULOUSE: Now the Disney folks will take most of your pictures for you. Must buy the photo pass and have them scan your card whenever they take a picture of you or your kids. Download them later. But I take Mike’s point – you definitely might look skinnier and more tan on the next to last day.
4. On today’s agenda … – Have a plan of what you want to see that day and stick to it. You are paying a lot of money to this stupid mouse, so your time is valuable. Any time you waste sitting around discussing what to do next is wasted time. And for damn sure don’t zig zag from one end of the park to the other. Remember aimlessly walking wastes time – you need to always have you ass planted in a line, waiting …
5. That’s some high quality H20 – Not sure if they still let you do this (Yes they do) but back when we went to Disney you could carry in bottled water. The first day we carried in a bottle for everyone. By 9:30 AM, our water was gone and I was shelling out $10 per bottle of water and sharing it with the kids like we were abandoned in the desert. The next day we loaded a back pack stuffed full of bottle water. By 3:00 PM, the water was boiling hot. Let the bitching begin. The third day we loaded our bag with all frozen water bottles – as many as we could stuff in the bag. The downside – my back was on fire from luging around 80 pounds of frozen water. The upside – my bag got lighter as the day went on and my wallet stayed in the same place, in my back pocket.
*NOTE FROM TOULOUSE: Apparently now you can walk into any restaurant and they’ll give you cups of ice water for free but here’s what we did that was even easier.
So see, even after listing 10 Things I Hate About Disney World, Mike petered out and admitted that it can be fun and everyone ought to take the kids at least once in a lifetime. But that lifetime might be shortened by each of your trips there if you don’t prepare with some great tips and tricks. Mike’s are above and mine are here. Mine includes an ingenious way to make sure you have access to an inexpensive cocktail when you need it – even in the Magic Kingdom (and at the pool and at festivals and at concerts).
Cheers to good fun in the House of the Mouse!
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