10 Holiday Ass Whips
Planned Celebrations – At work I am a planner, at home I like to just go with the flow. So, it stresses me out to have to follow a strict event schedule for the holidays. For example 5:00 – we will eat dinner, 6:30– we will attack dessert, 7:00 – light the tree, 7:15 – everyone places one ornament on the tree and says what they are most thankful for, 7:30 – we all put on Santa hats, 8:00 – we walk the neighborhood singing Christmas carols, 10:00 – someone please give me the gift of putting a .357 to my head and pulling the trigger !!
Presents – I get it. We are thankful for everyone in the village that has a hand in the “raising” of our kids, but do we have to buy EVERYONE whom my kids have interfaced with a gift ?!?! I promise you, the 2nd teacher’s aide is not going to start doing a crappy job educating my child because I did not give her a Starbucks mug and gift card set. BTW, my wife has been a teacher for over 2 decades. Here is the list of teacher gifts that SUCK. And here are the ones that slay!
Lights – I love Christmas lights – they really put me in the Christmas spirit. But there is nothing that drives me into a David Banter Hulk like anger frenzy and sucks the Christmas spirit out of my dark festering soul faster than an installed burnt out string of lights that I can’t fix – especially a string of lights that is tied into other strings of lights. The OCD in me just can’t let it go, so I turn into MacGyver trying to find the one burnt out bulb in the string dropping Holiday F bombs for all to hear.
Snow and Cold – I love snow. I like to see it falls, makes everything all white, pristine and angelic. But, by the next day I am ready for the white crap to melt and go away. There is a reason I live in the south – I hate the cold, everything about the cold. Wearing a coat, gloves, drinking hot cocoa … all of it.
Two families – Which one do we go to ?? If this isn’t an issue for you and your spouse then count yourself very, very lucky. Spouse’s parents want to see and enjoy the kids. Your parents want to see and enjoy the kids. Someone is going to be pissed about your decision so ready up the Russian Roulette game because there is no avoiding the outcome or feeling like you are pooping on a set of parents. And don’t get me started on switching up each year as a solution because something always comes up to dick it up. Makes me want to say “if you want to see my rug rats so bad, you get in the car and start driving. We will be here with the lights on …”
Shopping – if someone would plan a day (maybe call it White Friday) where you would pay double the price for items but you wouldn’t have to wait in line or fight a crowd of holiday spirit sucking dipshits for a refurbished X-Box or crappy Barbie doll, I would gladly participate. I hate shopping and nothing sucks out my holiday spirit than seeing people act like asses to get their little price or princess the latest and greatest fad like the world owes this to them. Guess what ?? Johnny will not climb up in a tower and start capping people because he didn’t get a Hatchimal. Guess what #2 ?? He will still love you no matter what. So chill out
Santa – I have never understood why there is a line for this event. All we want is a damn picture of our damn kid with this damn mall Santa – what the hell takes so long ?!?! Here’s a solution – have one Santa for photos and one Santa for yakking. Then we would be able to whip through these kids like the Hunger Games reaping …
Opening presents – Now I like presents as much as the next dude, but when it takes over 4 hours to open everyone’s gifts during a family get together, you gave and got too much crap. Hell, my kids can’t even tell me sometimes what they want for Christmas they have so much crap. And I hate, having everyone stop what they are doing to watch me with cameras poised opening that one gift. I think to myself “I guess this is the big one so all the others afterwards are going to suck in comparison.”. Takes all the suspense and fun out of opening your gifts.
Elf on the Shelf – stories about your kids and their reactions to the Elf on the Shelf – love them, keep them coming, can’t get enough of them. They crack me up. Pictures of the Elf on the Shelf sneaking into the liquor cabinet, hanging out in your panty drawer, holding a knife on a reindeer, just down right stupid. Just use the damn thing as it was intended for – as a mild torture scare tactic to alter your child’s bad behavior for a few weeks.
Bruce Springsteen – “Santa Claus is coming to town !!” This song is a kick in the balls to me. Some people love it – I don’t. Guaranteed when it comes on the radio, the dial is getting turned. I will give credit to musical genius though. One way to make sure your crappy music gets played at least once a year is to draft a “Christmas type” song. Guaranteed play time – even lyrics as stupid as “Let them know it’s Christmas time again !!”.
Now 5 things of greatness so you don’t think I am a total heartless dick …
Top 5 Greatest Things about Christmas
Kids half asleep seeing their present pile – is there anything on this Earth cuter than the look on the face of a child who is in their PJs, half asleep, crazy bed head, carrying their blankie walking into a living room filled with presents and toys ?? Just a look of sheer amazement – lie a miracle has just occurred. They flash that “I told y’all he was real” smirk to everyone sitting around.
Playing with your child and their toys – not much better than laying on the floor with your kids having them show you all their presents and see their excitement in explaining to your dumb ass what all these things are. It is the one time of the year they feel smarter than you and I love every minute of it.
Eating – how can anyone diet or eat healthy from Halloween to New Years ?!?! It is impossible !! there is no way a human can withstand the temptation to not just stuff his face like a buzzard on a dead rotting carcass on route 66 ?? If people would stop making all this delicious food, I would not have to utter the impending repeating phrase, “After New Year’s, I am going to start watching what I eat …” with a mouthful of baby quiches and a handful of peanut butter cookies with a Hershey’s kiss plopped in the middle.
Kids – I am not talking little kids. I am talking high school and college kids. My house becomes the meeting place for my adult kids and their friends. Just listening to their college stories as they try to catch up with each other is gold and brings back a flood of memories when I younger, and thinner, and crazier with no responsibility. Those were the days even though I struggle to recall them sometimes …
Christmas Cards and Pictures – although Facebook has kind of ruined this, I always found it kind of cool to see the annual Christmas pictures of family and friends and see what everyone looks like that you hadn’t seen over the past year. Another favorite of mine are the yearly recap letters. Nothing better than shining up that turd of a year and trying to make people envious of your life. Someday, someone I know is going to pen a truthful version of their year. Something like “2013 was an interesting time for the family. My college son added to his life experiences by getting arrested for a public intoxication. Caught my daughter sneaking out of the house this summer to be with her 32-year-old boyfriend. My wife set a new record for number of texts with Verizon, and I set a personal record of 4 sexual encounters with my wife in 2013. Can’t wait for 2014”
Finally, I want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year – especially to my good friend Toulouse. Thanks for letting me “vent” my abnormal thoughts on your blog. I truly appreciate it.
Right back at ya, Mike. It’s super sweet of you to do my work for me and attract more people to my blog than I do with your hilarious venting. Merry Chrismukkah to one and all!
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