My friend Mike and I went to college together (a long time ago as you can tell by this grainy photo). We did stupid things, LOTS of stupid things — not the least of which is evidenced above. Yep, that’s both of us – and I can assure you I’m not unhappy the picture quality is bad. In fact, I almost didn’t tell you that was me because … well, now I’ve ruined the whole “only her hairdresser knows for sure” thing. Blech. I was born to be blond. Stupid genes.
But let’s move on before someone makes a stupid carpet/drapes joke and get to talking about the really questionable move here. Mike is on stage, in front of an audience, who are PEOPLE, who are watching him, with their EYES. Some are even people he might even want to ask out on a date at some point – and he’s dancing in nothing but a pair of white boxers, a tie and a plastic lei. Other important accoutrements include a sun visor and sunglasses (Oh, these stage lights are so bright!) and for formality’s sake — a wristwatch.
Furthermore, the song he’s dancing to is “Just A Gigolo” by crazed man and Van Halen lead singer once and again, David Lee Roth during his solo career. Did I mention he did this of his own free will? And I do mean both David Lee Roth AND Mike.
1. Sleeping double in a single bed. How many times in college did you cram yourself into a tiny single bed with someone and then make out with their roommate pretending to sleep 5 feet away? And what are the chances you’d do that today with anyone short of David Beckham?
2. I will WIN at drinking. Drinking alcohol is a fun activity at just about any adult life stage. Hell, I still like to drink. However, not since my college days have I felt it necessary to play games like beer pong and quarters so I can drink all the drinks as fast as possible. Coincidentally, I don’t throw up as much after drinking these days.
3. Wearing underwear in public. You know that dream you have where you suddenly realize you’re in class and wearing nothing but your underwear? I did that ON PURPOSE. I wore boxer shorts to class. Clearly, Mike would wear his anywhere (see photo at top).
4. Leaving for a night out at 11pm. I can’t imagine leaving my house to go out any later than about 6pm these days or I’d just fall asleep with my head on the table 30 minutes after we got where we were going. But back then? The evenings were for pre-partying at home on some rotgut like Skol vodka with the change you could rustle up from the couch cushions. 11pm was for heading to the bar or the party and sun-up was for coming home. Maybe.
5. Cramming 20 people into your car. When I drive my car today, it’s usually got 2 or 3 people in it max but back then? My little mustang could hold more people than a clown car. We’d pull up at the FroYo place and it’d take 10 minutes for everyone to pile out.
6. Dressing up in costume any random time of the year. I can’t tell you how many parties I went to dressed in theme. And I’m not talking about Halloween either. Fraternity and sorority swaps were the worst offenders. Camo, togas, Christmas elves, pirates, sports figures, rock stars, grass skirts…you name it. This Christmas I was in Target and watched 4 idiot college guys making spectacles of themselves trying on Santa hats and Christmas pajamas for a party they were “late for, dude.” Seriously, if you’re late, just get the damn Santa hat and get the hell out of here, numnuts.
7. Having the ATM repeatedly decline to give you $10 in cash. I’m not saying it didn’t happen again after college but man, it happened a LOT during college. And boy, did it suck to have to be the only one that didn’t get to go to the all-you-can-eat pizza buffet.
8. Living off happy hour buffets and canned ravioli. I wouldn’t eat that shit now if you paid me. Well, maybe just one little hot wing.
9. Staying up until 4am talking. If I’m up at 4am, I’ve either got a crying toddler or I’m cleaning up vomit. And neither one willingly.
10. Arriving at your parents’ house with 18 loads of laundry. One of the biggest perks of being an adult is having your own damn washer and dryer.
Mike’s list (See more of What He Said by Mike here)
1. The “free” quicker picker upper – The most required necessity in college – toilet paper, and I never paid for one roll in college, not a single sheet. If I went to your dorm or your party, there is a greater than 75% chance I stole a roll from you. During lean times we were having to make do with extra school newspapers. I recall those being some sore days, but I did learn your butt is like Silly Putty and you can transfer newspaper pictures to it. As an adult, I get my TP at Sam’s and I always make sure there are plenty of rolls available. Don’t come to my house to steal some because I know the exact number left.
2. Open Sesame – it was completely normal to leave your dorm room door open as you went somewhere with no regard to someone coming in and stealing your crap. What could they steal? My crappy clothes, my crappy black and white TV, there was nothing of value in my college utopia. My beer was my most valuable commodity and I never had a standing inventory anyway. I would leave for hours with my door unlocked, come back and there would be people (some I didn’t even know) hanging out in my room and just chilling. Today, I lock everything – my doors, my windows, my cars … Hell, I even lock my bedroom door to keep my kids from walking off with my stuff.
3. Ebony and Ivory – I have a washing machine now that could wash any type of clothing with a specific cycle, rinse, detergent, softener, blah, blah, blah. Back in college I did two loads – white and everything that wasn’t white. I’d usually shove too many clothes in the washer so there would be dried detergent on some of them (just picked it off – tie-dyed was kind of trending right?). Half the time I would run out of money to dry them causing me to drag a 200 lb load of wet clothes back to my room and hang them on everything that could hold clothing to dry 4 days later. Sometimes I just wore them wet.
4. The Mountain everyone has climbed – MD 20/20 (aka Mad Dog). This is the only alcoholic beverage that needs to have a “you’re too old” age limitation restriction imposed. Everyone makes the mistake in consuming this hell juice once, just once. The cost is so economical that you can be the king of the party by providing everyone their own bottle for the night. Just be sure and get some Bounty because you’ll be cleaning up the aftermath. A great current party trick – bring a bottle of this shit to any party you go to. It’s guaranteed to bring lots of laughs, stories, and will most likely be consumed and for $2.50 you become the hit of the party.
5. Good night, John Boy – Like all other college kids my age, my bro’s and I flocked to Florida for spring breaks. And like most college kids, the money we brought was for two things drinking and eating (in that order), so we would pack 12 to a room to lessen the strain on to our wallets. My sleep quarters (which were barely used anyway) was on the balcony of the room 15 stories up with a flat pillow and a stained bed spread I had stolen from another room. No towels, no shampoo, everything in the bathroom was wet, and you couldn’t even drop a deuce in private with people running in and out of the room.
6. And we fought over this? – In college we felt it normal to drink tequila that was so bad that the “distillers” had to trick it up by placing a worm in the bottle. And we fought over who would get the last “backwashed” shot to get that worm !! Today, if I don’t have enough ice in my drink, I wig.
7. Pop a squat – in college it was perfectly acceptable (this is guys and gals) to pee wherever and whenever you want. At a party? Swing around by the cars and drain the snake. Someone using the toilet? Pop a squat in the tub. Going on a pub crawl? The transition to the next destination was a great opportunity to mark the trail in case you need to find your way back.
8. You got anything stronger than Pledge – in college all furniture was used, didn’t match, was heavy as hell to move, smelled like death, but we were quick to scavenge it, eat on it, sit naked on it, and flounder on it. When you graduated you felt like secret Santa watching that nasty piece of shit couch you lived on for 4 years get analyzed and debated by a group of freshman and then drug out of the dumpster to their room. At 40, everything you own must match, no exceptions. And any dick that places a drink on your end table without a coaster gets his ass whipped.
9. All you can eat doesn’t truly mean ALL YOU CAN EAT – We had no money in college so when we scraped enough together for all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet, it was going to take a couple dozen ninjas to get us out of there in under 6 hours. We would solve the world’s problems and plan our lives as we consumed pound after pound of failed health inspection morsels without even a hint of stopping. As an adult, I secretly wish I could relive those eating glory days, but now I’m stuck with eating my one puny meal and hoping that my wife and kids aren’t able to finish theirs so I can have seconds.
10. Oh, yes, it’s Ladies Night – In college this was like offering free beer and food to anyone with a penis. We were hitting that bar to try out our game and see who we could trick into hooking up with. And, as the night progressed and beer goggles got more powerful, our odds usually got increasingly better. Because of the awesome drink specials, gals were drinking like they were going to war the next day. At 40, all I would see is a line at the bar preventing me from getting a drink to kill the slow pain of a long work week. I would rather pay three times the price for a drink that I don’t have to wade through that ocean of sexual tension looking like a creepy old dude.
It was really fun revisiting all the stupid things I did in college that I (mostly) would never do now. What ridiculous things did you do? I promise not to tell.