1. Colored bulb lights. The green one definitely looks the tastiest. In fact, I kind of wanna lick myself right now. Not lick myself. Have a lick myself. You have a dirty and fabulously acrobatic mind.
3. Tinsel. Oh, tinsel is irresistible to the delicate palates of felines. In fact, if you have cats, just forget the decorations altogether. My friend, Allison of Motherhood WTF, had a childhood pet cat who devoured some tinsel only to have it come about halfway out the other end and then stop short. Old tinsel-ass had 5 inches of unbudgeable silver shininess hanging out of her hiney for an entire week. According to Allison, it was the fanciest, most seasonally festive cat ass to ever eat Christmas decorations off a Hannukah bush.
4. Ribbons and bows. Those presents look so festive with all that lovely curly ribbon festooned around the top like a damn Shirley Temple wig. You see curly ribbon, cats see curly fries. As a kid, Anna of My Life and Kids was the proud owner of a 3-legged cat who yummed up some ribbon and (yes, there’s a theme here) when it came out the other end, it changed its mind about halfway through the journey. Worst of all, she kept trying to, uh, ASSist the cat but every time someone tugged on the ribbon, the cat meowed in protest.
5. Holiday-themed soaps. Continuing with the pet theme, Kerri of Housetalkn‘s dog ate a soap Santa and farted bubbles for several days. Who needs a bubble machine when you have a handy dog anus nearby?
7. Gelt. Gelt looks good enough to eat. And it usually is since it’s just gold foil-wrapped chocolate. But taking the foil off first is recommended. My dog didn’t wanna get caught eating all the money so she just swallowed it whole. Of course, she’s not picky about her chocolate. Leave a poopy diaper unattended for 3.2 seconds and you’ll see what I mean.
8. Garland. There’s something about Anna from My Life and Kids that just attracts the wrong kind of pets. In addition to the 3-legged cat above, she had a dog that ate an entire garland of painted wooden balls. When he finally pooped it out, all of the wooden balls were bright white. Like snowballs.
The clear lesson here is that what goes in must come out. At least halfway.
Lock up your decorations, y’all.