Your ears are comically large yet you still can’t seem to hear anything I have to say.
I think it’s time for a a little talk. You may not wanna hear this but the truth of the matter is, you’re the trouble-maker of the family. If you’d just heed my simple advice, you’d be one happy dog. So listen up…I’m doing this for your own good.
Make friends with the kids. They’re your stomach’s strongest allies. You drool for doughnuts. You slobber for Sloppy Joes. You pine for pig. Every time I turn around, you’re begging for grub. Here’s a hint: the kids are eating all the time and it’d be mighty easy for them to slip you some food if they were so inclined. When you see those shorties coming, don’t run the other way. Let them dress you up in a superman costume, paint a purple mohawk on your head and use you as a live pillow pet. You make them happy, there’ll be peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and half-eaten hot dogs in your future. I guarantee it.
Give the UPS Man a freaking break already. If you don’t stop going ballistic every time he comes onto the porch, you’re gonna drive away the one person who brings you all the things you love! (And the things I love). When it comes to the list of doggy goodies we order on a regular basis, we count on that delivery man. Sit, stay and play nice. Then you can tear into the package with abandon. (You can see Hadley’s wish list at Sweet Relish here. The site is an amazing way to keep digital lists of all the things you want or need).
Stop sticking your nose in other people’s business. You’ve got the heart of a trouble-maker but let’s get one thing straight — your nose is the clear ringleader. You’ll follow that thing anywhere. And your favorite place is right through our back-yard fence. I used to wonder how you got out so often and then one day, I just happened to be looking out the back door when you pressed your little nose against one of the privacy fence boards, pushed against it until it gave and then squeezed your 35-pound body through a hole about 6-inches wide. The neighborhood report says that your first order of business when you’re out is to stick that smeller through other people’s fences to fight with their dogs. No wonder your nose is irritated all the time. Thank goodness for Opie & Dixie Snoutstik so we can heal it right up naturally.
Stop pulling on the damn leash. You know how you love to go for walks? Well, I hate them. And it’s because you pull on the leash like a rabid bear the entire freaking time. Walking you is more like skiing on concrete than walking. If you’d just stop it, we’d be pounding that pavement a hell of a lot more.
Don’t roll in nasty crap. You think it’s super fun to roll in the grass and dirt and red clay and dead birds and whatever other indescribable horrors you find in our backyard. Whatever happiness you get from this disgusting act can’t touch the satisfaction you’ll find from snuggling with your family in our bed while we watch movies. And trust me when I say, rolling in your own poo does not equal snuggling in my bed watching movies. Stop it already. It’s gross.
So there, my dearest cuddly little rascal, is the most profound advice I can give you to make your life happier and our lives happier. I’m happy to see that you’re all ears.
How’d you like to win a package of wonderful Opie & Dixie products for your four-legged family members? One reader will win a bundle of all-natural goodies from Opie & Dixie including shampoo, conditioner, snoutstik and paw balm. Get a closer look here.
All you have to do is visit Sweet Relish, sign up (it’s easy peasy) and leave a comment here telling me you’ve done it. Extra points if you leave a bit of advice you’d give to your dog if you could.
Giveaway ends May 22.
Special thanks to my digital list obsession Sweet Relish for sponsoring this post.