Don’t Vajazzle Your Vajiggle Jaggle and 20 Other Things I Wish I Knew When I Was 20.


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Every now and then I want to be inspirational.  It’s not that often, perhaps, but even I stop wisecracking once in a while and get serious.  Today I’m sharing one of my favorite pieces, full of very real – but still very funny – advice to my niece.  

A very special person to me is in the midst of her 20th birthday celebration.  I won’t mention her here specifically because of what would happen to me if her name starts popping up when people google vajazzling or vajiggle jaggle.  Or Honey Boo Boo.

Rightfully so.

I was there when she was just a fetus in her momma’s belly and when she took her first steps.  I helped her make and decorate homemade Christmas cookies then returned her to her mother covered in white flour from bow-head to toe.

Don't Vajazzle Your Vajiggle Jaggle and 20 Other Things I Wish I Knew When I Was 20I’ve bought her excessive amounts of gifts for every occasion and no occasion.  I give her everything I ever clean out of my closet because she is the size I used to be.  And wish I still was.

I’ve watched her grow up under good and bad circumstances and handle it all with grace beyond her years.

And in 20 years, I’ve offered her boatloads of advice, which she’s always graciously accepted if not always acted upon.

But now she’s 20 and no longer a child who thinks that I hung the moon and my advice is golden and that I’m the coolest person on the planet.

So let me climb down off my pedestal now.

And mourn just a bit.

Okay, that’s gonna take a while.  Let’s move on.

This post is my birthday present to her.  And my attempt to provide the lasting advice she may not come to me for in her grown-up years.

Don’t Vajazzle your Vajiggle Jaggle.  

And 20 Other Things I Wish I Knew When I Was 20.

vajazzling rhinestones

1.  Do not hot glue fake rhinestones to your vajayjay.  This trend is asinine and stupid and lots of other words for find-something-better-to-do-with-your-time-and-money.  And private parts.

2.  In the same vein, don’t wax every pubic hair from your lady parts to please a man.  If you wanna do a brazilian for you, go for it.  But don’t do it for him.  Two very good reasons:  A) It hurts like a mofo.  Imagine pouring gasoline on your labia, letting it settle in for a bit and then lighting it on fire.  Eerily similar.  B)  Any man who thinks having hair down there is nasty is not worth your time.  You’re a woman, not an 8-year-old girl.  Trim it, shape it, shave it into a Hitler mustache.  But don’t wax it all off.  And for God’s sake, don’t even go near the threading shop.

3.  Confidence can be faked.  You’ll find that if you fake it long enough, you’ll genuinely have it.  And there is nothing more attractive than confidence.  Not a thing.  Not any amount of make-up, not big boobs, not even a great smile.  And definitely not a rhinestone-bedecked vagina.

4.  Boys come and boys go.  Even when you think your life might end because one just went, it will not.  You’ll get over it.  And you’ll feel even more strongly about another one down the road.  When you meet one who makes you want to be a better person, that’s the one.

5.  Don’t read Cosmo.  Or if you must, know that after one year, you will have read every article they ever write and from that point on out, every issue will contain the same information with a new title.  I wasted 20 years reading and rereading “How to Know If a Guy Really Likes You By Reading His Body Language,” and “10 Sneaky Places to Do Kegel Exercises.”  P.S.  I’m doing them right now.

6.  Don’t follow trends.  But don’t dress like everyone else.  Choose what works for you, and cultivate your own style, even if that means getting it wrong sometimes.  People will admire you for it.  That being said, don’t pick a hairstyle or clothing trend or even favorite band in high school and stick with it until you die.  Whatever your age, stay modern.  You may not believe me now, but there will come a day when someone other than Nicki Minaj makes music you like.

7.  Don’t be a mean girl.  Women really do need to support each other.

8.  Always have something for just you.  Even when you’re married and have kids someday, make sure you have something besides them that gets you out of bed in the morning.

9.  You really do need lots of different bras.  Big boobs, little boobs.  Doesn’t matter.  If you don’t like the way the fun-bags look in something you’re wearing, try a different bra.  You’ll see what I mean.

10.  Never let cosmetic things like hair extensions and long fingernails stop you from doing something fun.  Like getting wet.  Or finger-painting with a kid.  Life is too short for that shit.

11.  People aren’t talking about you behind your back as much as you think they are.  And if they are, screw them.

12.  Say yes.  Especially when you’re scared.  No matter how old you get, try new things.

13.  But say no when you really don’t wanna do something.  Don’t make an excuse.  Just say no.

14.  Learn to laugh at yourself.  Do it often.  Do it loudly.  Do it alone.  Do it with others.

15.   Get up when you fall down.  Just get back up and keep walking.  It’s that simple.

16.  Make a PRE-KID bucket list.  Kids are a huge blessing but once they come, it’s not about you anymore.  Live a full life first.  Cross off at least 75% of that list before you have the first kid.

17.  When it comes to dating, shop at the variety store.  It’s hard to know what’s right for you if you don’t at least try it.

18.  Don’t sext.  EVER.  The internet is full of naked girls who didn’t want to be naked on the internet.  If he says, “But it’s just for me, no one else will ever see it,” hit him over the head with your phone the next time you see him.

19.  Have the dessert.  Drink good wine.  Skinny-dip.  Ride the roller-coaster.

20.  Trust the still small voice inside of you.  Learn to listen to and be guided by your intuition.  Mine used to scream at me and I still ignored it.  It was a mistake every single time.  Every.  Single.  Time.  Many of those mistakes have names.

21.  Chemistry is not love.  Learn the difference by testing out both.  Do the chemistry thing first.  Don’t marry it.

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Comments

  1. These are good at any age; thanks!

    • ashersmom says:

      You’re right, A. I think I’ll print them and put them on my wall so I can be reminded everyday. I tend to repeat mistakes a lot, and will probably break my own rules before sundown.

  2. A great list – and pretty dadgum wise!

  3. Wow awesome advice! Where were you when I was in my 20′s doning all that stupid stuff…. Oh wait probably doing other stupid stuff. I hope your 20 yr old friend enjoys her gift. I believe it’s so much better than anything you could ever buy her. Except maybe a frame to put it on her wall :)

  4. Love this!!!!

  5. MadScientistMom says:

    2. I like it naked
    5. I read “What’s Wrong With Me That Men Don’t Like Me” for at least ten years. I was too nice, too bitchy, too fat, too skinny. Then I wrote my own article “What’s Wrong With Men That I Don’t Like Them” and submitted it. Never heard back from them.
    9. Yes! Yes! Yes!
    16. I don’t resent my child because I already had my fun. My parents married young and to this day talk about what they could have done if not for us.
    and maybe a 22? Find some good women who make you laugh and have qualities you wish would rub off on you. Keep them close, whether by phone, email or in person. They are more important than any man you will ever meet.

    • ashersmom says:

      Totally agree on your #22! What would we do without good friends?? Thanks for commenting and for the share! Cosmo be damned!

    • Lynn van der Linde says:

      I only partially agree with #16 – I did a ton of things before I had kids, but I’m taking my kids right along with me now. It’s a whole new adventure, and I love it. I love seeing the world through their eyes – no pretension, they don’t care if I post stuff on FB, they live in the moment… the best way to see the world in my (now wiser) opinion!

  6. Very wise words to impart.

    Except you might have expounded a little bit more about big boobs and fun bags. Or maybe that’s just me.

    Funny stuff!

    • ashersmom says:

      Maybe I’ll do a part 2 dedicated just to boobs. I do tend to write about boobs a lot. Just search my site. You’ll probably have plenty to read. ; )

  7. I like this blog hosting site better! I can finally post responses! I just loved this entry. I think I might print it out and save it for Avery on her 20th. LOL.

    • ashersmom says:

      Love it! Just print it out and start adding your thoughts. I’m sure it’ll be “Don’t vajazzle your vajiggle jaggle and 120 other things I wish I knew when I was 20″ by then!

  8. Queen Frostine says:

    I almost pee my pants when I read some of your posts! Freakin Love this one.
    I will say some of these I was fortunate enough to “sink my teeth into in my youth- had to growin up in my family :) Everett’s Baby Sis..lol ”
    No’ 3 & 14- can help make your way through Life!

    • ashersmom says:

      Hmmm, so in a way, you’re sorta kinda related to my learning of the lesson, “boys come and boys go…”
      Although it took me making that mistake about 20 more times before I really learned the lesson. ; )
      I agree with you. If it had to be boiled down to 2 main life lessons, it would be numbers 3 and 14.
      Thanks for the comment. It’s really awesome to hear from you.

    • ashersmom says:

      Also number 20. That might be the most important one.

  9. “But now she’s 20 and no longer a child who thinks that I hung the moon and my advice is golden and that I’m the coolest person on the planet.”

    My kids still think I’m the coolest person on the planet. I dread the day they realize that I am TOTALLY NOT.

    Um, #1 – what? This is a trend? Holy mother of God that is disturbing.

    And #3 – totally. I have faked confidence before and it absolutely does turn into real confidence – eventually!

    Great post!

    • ashersmom says:

      It’s for real. Stupid Jennifer Love Hewitt. Wearing tiaras on her head all the time wasn’t enough. She had to go and put one on her vajayjay.

  10. Tracy @ Momaical.com says:

    I am totally making “don’t Vajazzle your vajiggle jaggle” pillows for everyone I know this Christmas. It’s the gift that keeps on giving all throughout the year.
    Tracy @ Momaical

  11. 1 & 2: glue/wax in your crotch is scary. Amen sister.
    5: I got it wrong a couples times. Once they called me pippi long stockings. Once they called me Seagull in an oil spill. I’m better and more stylish for it now.
    8: SO MUCH WIN
    10: how about just don’t get hair extensions. Just sayin.
    16: OMG. YES. you don’t realize how much it really isn’t about you anymore until you have the devils.
    18. What? I have no idea what you would say this. No ONE will see it. I’m so glad there was no smartphone/Facebook bizniz when I was having the fun.
    19. Yes to all. So much love.

    I always love your honest, candid thoughts. Keep it up girrrrrrrrl.

  12. I love this, but I don’t know whether to laugh or cry! Maybe both. Where was this list when I was 20???

  13. Great advice. So so true. Do people really seriously vajazzle their vajayjays? I’ve seen the ads for it, but I thought it was sort of one of those things people don’t actually buy. Like the Snuggie. Oh wait, I have a snuggie. But only because it was a gift.I swear… I’m just glad that vajazzling didn’t exist when I was 20.

  14. Hi, I’m Anne from Life on the Funny Farm (http://annesfunnyfarm.blogspot.com), and I’m visiting from Finding the Funny.

    So funny. So true. I just pinned this under “Counsel for my kids” to give to my dtrs when they’re a little older. Awesome!

    Anyway, it’s nice to “meet” you! Hope you can pop by my blog sometime to say hi…

  15. Love it, love it, love it. I just made my 3-year-old daughter listen to me read it out loud to her. She didn’t catch much it, but that’s cool – I’m starting her young.

    • ashersmom says:

      The one thing she probably caught was the word “Vajazzle.” So look out for that one to pop out at preschool, church, at dinner with grandma or some other inopportune moment.

  16. So True. Words to live by.

  17. Brilliant post. I teach college and I want my students to see this. Not only see it but to believe it. Hell, I want to believe some of these things – like the confidence part and the people aren’t talking about you (hello mean moms) – and I am 20×2. Sigh. Off. to. Share.

  18. Awesome post. 21 was the BEST, best!

    • ashersmom says:

      I do think listening to your intuition trumps them all. Wish I’d learned it a lot sooner. But it’s never too late to have good intuition! : )

  19. I didn’t even know that vajazzling was a thing. Look at me not following trends! I loved the line “Many of those mistakes have names.” So much truth!

  20. Very sage advice! Maybe I should have paid more attention to Cosmo, though? I totally didn’t even know #1 was thing. And now I’m scared.

  21. OMG. I LOVED this post. It’s all so true.

    I totally agree with you that there is nothing more attractive than confidence. This is so very, very true.

    And when I waxed my vagina, it really did feel like someone was lighting the damn thing on fire. I will never in this lifetime be able to do that again.

    I really love your blog, by the way. I’ve been receiving your posts for a while and I love your writing style. You have talent, my friend!

    xo

    • ashersmom says:

      Thank you! Likewise. You get extra points just for coming up with Cloudy With A Chance of Wine. One of the best blog names ever. Plus the visual of you bending over the baby with your robe open when the doc walks in at the OBGYN has kept me giggling all day long.

  22. This is such great advice. I’m so passing this on to my nieces!

  23. Love it, love it, love it! Someone should have given ME this list at 20. (Like I would have LISTENED.) #11 is my fave – tell my 13 year old daughter this OFTEN (and, believe it or not, she doesn’t listen to me….).

    • ashersmom says:

      I wouldn’t have listened either. And I’m pretty sure SHE’S not listening to me either. Oh well, it was fun to write.

  24. Great list and umm I didn’t know people even THOUGHT of going to the threading place instead of getting waxed. O.M.G.

    • ashersmom says:

      I got my brows threaded and saw the price for a brazilian on the chalkboard. I had excruciating phantom pain just thinking about it. NEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVER!

  25. Amen, sister. I’m bookmarking this and showing it to my girls and saying, “See Auntie Toulouse agrees with me.”
    This line made me laugh out loud — “Or if you must, know that after one year, you will have read every article they ever write and from that point on out, every issue will contain the same information with a new title. ” True dat. Ellen
    Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms recently posted…The Best of 2012 Link-Up Par-TayMy Profile

  26. Great list! I especially love #8 and #21.
    Larks recently posted…The few, the proud, the vampire hecklers.My Profile

  27. Your list is fantastic. #16 especially. And the brazilian thing has always struck me as creepy. Not growing a rainforest down there is one thing, but appearing like you haven’t hit puberty yet is a very questionable trend to me. What’s wrong with a nicely trimmed landing strip?
    Azara recently posted…The cashier’s recurring nightmareMy Profile

  28. ‘“10 Sneaky Places to Do Kegel Exercises.” P.S. I’m doing them right now.’ – I’m still laughing!

    ~ karyn
    Karyn recently posted…Chalet trip: Black Diamonds are forever and Happy New YearMy Profile

  29. I LOVE this post. I want to marry it, but I’m already married so I can’t. You know, what you said about the pre-kid bucket list has me over here playing a melancholy fiddle. I didn’t do all those things on my bucket list–but, I have a little sister who is 23. She can do it, by golly! I’m gonna laminate this post for her and give it to her for her birthday. Which was two weeks ago. Good thing I haven’t yet bought her a present!
    hillary recently posted…20 {off the hook!} Mommy Son DatesMy Profile

    • ashersmom says:

      This is exactly the reason why gifts should always be bought late for the occasion. You ALWAYS think of something else that would be perfect after the event! Thank you so much, btw!

  30. I found this blog on Facebook this morning and have been having a blast reading your posts–especially THIS ONE.

    HOWEVER…. Can a 40-something divorcee respectfully weigh in on #2? Ladies, if in 20 years you find yourself back on the market, you need to know that EVERYONE is going hairless iNCLUDING, thank goodness, the boys. And it is glorious… if your man is asking you to try it, hand him the accessories too. It’s a whole different ball of WAX, pun intended. ;)

  31. LOVE. THIS. You nailed it!!! Sharing, pinning, loving it, lady!
    Marissa Peterson recently posted…Moving, Monster Trucks, & Why I Need More Maternity JeansMy Profile

  32. OMG. Every time I see the title to this post, I get vajiggle jaggle stuck in my head for days! Hilarious… anyway, oops on #21, but so far it’s working out ;-)
    Kelly @ In the Mom Light Blog recently posted…7 Reasons NOT to Get a Dog if You Have (or ever want to have) a BabyMy Profile

  33. Anonymous says:

    “Try chemistry first. don’t marry it.”
    are you talking about lust?
    I still haven’t found the one. I have been told, “you’ll know”. is marriage based on people who “just click”, or is it less magical and more work?

    • ashersmom says:

      The actual marriage is lots of work, even the best of them. Choosing the right guy? I think clicking is important but AFTER the clicking, get in there and spend some serious time being sure you can stay tethered to this person for the next 50 years!

  34. Oneofeach says:

    7. Don’t be friends with mean girls either. At least be very, very wary of them.

    A personal addition: Some fairy tales have very important lessons. Nothing good happens after midnight. (Ok more bad than good happens after midnight, but whatever). Pick up your shoes, take your pumpkin and go home. You’ll hear all about it in the morning anyway, promise.

  35. 3, 10 and the mean girl one are my faves – great list. I’ll pass this along to my 20-something sister/cousins!

  36. OMG! So funny & so wonderful & so true! Cosmo – BOO! Faking confidence until it becomes real – yay! (BTW – I’m doing my Kegels right now too!)
    Charlene Ross recently posted…Why I Should Never Walk Out the Door Without my CellphoneMy Profile

  37. This is awesome and I agree with every last one!

  38. That’s just the beginning! Did you know there are plastic surgeons who specialize in vaginas?! Are your lips getting flabby? Get a little work done – they’ll have you looking like a 4-year-old again in no time (if you don’t bleed out before you’re done healing…)

  39. Where were you when I needed you? A mere twinkle in God’s eye. I married the chemistry.
    Virginia Llorca recently posted…That Red Rascal!!My Profile

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