Miss the Halloweens of your youth? Give your kids an old-fashioned Halloween!
I love Halloween but I have to admit, it’s not what it used to be (even in my Sexiest Halloween Costume). When I was a young ‘un, we ran wild in the streets in unsupervised packs. We tilted our heads back and poured straws full of plain old refined sugar tinted with red dye #4 into our mouths. Candy was breakfast, lunch, dinner and midnight buffet on the Halloween cruise.
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We snuck it from our parents’ candy bowl no matter how many times they shooed us away and then made at least 2 trips around the entire neighborhood, sometimes making a quick costume switch just so we could get our hands on a second helping of Snickers midgets. And we kept eating it until we fell asleep sometime waaaay after our bedtimes.
But things have changed. Everyone’s so worried about everything. Moms are stressing out and searching Pinterest for the perfect costume ideas, hovering over their children as they trick or treat at their next-door neighbor’s house, screening the candy to be sure it’s organic and doesn’t contain any actual sugar, allowing the kids to have 1 piece and then taking it away.
My friend Mike and I were talking about missing the magic of our childhood All Hallow’s Eve so today, we propose a throw-back. Let’s give our kids some of the magic back, maybe just for one year. Here’s how to give your kids an old-fashioned Halloween.
1. Show them all 14 minutes of Michael Jackson’s Thriller video. Then put Monster Mash on repeat. Embarrass them by cabbage patching around the room and singing really loudly. Extra points if friends are over.
2. Make your own costumes (and not in the Pinterest kind of way) – Back in the day, there was no Party City. You made your costume from old crap you found around the house. That’s why 90% of the kids were ghosts (eyes cut out of a white bed sheet), hobos (torn clothes, charcoal from the dad’s grill rubbed on your face, and a bag tied to a stick) and gypsies (skirt, copious amounts of mom’s jewelry and scarf around your head). Don’t stress and don’t spend a bunch of money. The magic is not in the costume.
3. Cut the cord. Time to trick or treat in the good old days? Your mom would open the door, give you a kiss and send you on your way. There were hundreds of kids running from house to house and parents sitting on front porches. I say that 80% of the magic of Halloween then was running around the neighborhood with a big group of kids and no parents. So if they’re old enough, let them go. And if they’re not quite there, at least stay in the shadows with the other undead. Mwahahahahaha.
4. Don’t screen their candy to make sure it’s organic, GMO free, dairy free, gluten free, sugar free and dye free. Don’t worry about whether the Skittles are eating through their teeth like excavators on crack. Just let your kids eat the candy for once. It’s just one day after all.
From Etsy Shop LADESIGNS2
5. Ditch the monogrammed polka dot witch legs fabric appliquéd trick or treat bags. Give them a pillowcase and challenge them to fill ‘er up!
6. Look the other way when they sneak a few rolls of toilet tissue out of the house in their trick or treat pillowcase. Granted if they get caught, you’ll end up in your stingy turning-the-lights-out-and-pretending-he’s-not-home neighbor’s yard cleaning massive amounts of Charmin out of his trees with your kids the next day — but it’s probably worth it just to see him get what he deserves for being such a Halloweenie. And you’ll tell that story to your kids’ kids someday. Totally worth it.
7. Let go of your urge to be a MILF and skip the Sexy Nurse costume. Instead, choose one of these special Sexy Halloween Costumes for Moms. They’re just perfect for an old-fashioned Halloween.
8. After trick or treating, let them stay up way past their bedtime and run in sugar-fueled circles with the other neighborhood kids until they drop. Pick any back yard, open a bottle of wine that looks like this, eat some surreptitiously stolen Sweet Tarts and enjoy the view of your little ghosts and goblins having the most magical Halloween ever. After all, don’t most of your best Halloween memories end exactly like this?
If you want to give your mom friends a Halloween goodie, I suggest these. Can’t live without them.
To read another of my collaborations with Mike, see What If Everyone Was Naked. To read more of Mike’s funny and awesome posts that he does all by himself, click here: What He Said, by Mike. To read more of mine, try this, especially if you’re a mom and you like wine. And pop your email in the little subscribe box below to get my newsletter straight to your inbox. Happy Halloween and a big BOO to you!
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[…] Sexy Lobsters out there this Halloween now that you’re a mother? Well, think again. Halloween isn’t what it used to be when you were a kid, so get out there and sizzle at the neighborhood trick or treat with these HOT Halloween costumes […]