In honor (actually in horror) of the fact that I’m entering the potty training phase with child number 2 (heehee, I said #2), I thought it was time for me to reshare this little gem with you from my first potty-training attempt with Asher, when he was 2. This is his guest post and he didn’t think the 3 day potty training method was worth even 2 days of his time. Actually, neither did I. Read on for his brilliant thoughts.
If you really want your mommy and daddy to give up on toilet training fast, urge them to try the 3 day potty training technique, in which you’re naked from the waist down for 3 days. Using my methods below, I guarantee they’ll give up before the 2nd day ends.Dear fellow toddlers:
1. Do not register in any way, shape or form that you’re bottomless. Go about your normal business. #1 and #2.
2. Sit on the potty for half an hour releasing no bodily fluids, then stand up, walk 2 feet and pee on top of a pile of blocks.
3. Wait until your parents turn their backs for 10 seconds after watching your every move all day then poop on the floor and scream, “Uh-oh!” Go back to playing.
4. Complete half of a wooden zoo-animals puzzle while sitting on the floor, then fill the empty animal slots with pee-pee. Sit in the surrounding puddle and make animal sounds.
5. When your parents make you sit on the potty, chant, “I awnt down, I awnt down, I awnt down,” until they lose their minds. Switch to yelling it while fake-crying.
6. When forced to sit on the potty, drive it around the house like a car.
7. Show no modesty. Play with your hot wheels cars in a doggy play-bow position with your booty-hole in the air and your privates dangling between your legs.
8. Angrily say “NO” to the question, “Do you need to potty?” then pause while climbing the stairs to drop a load. Continue climbing as if nothing happened.
Remember, mommy and daddy are putting up with a whole lot of doo-doo. Make sure they have a couple bottles of wine or some hard liquor in the house before you flush their dreams with my proven techniques.
Asher (2 years old and back in diapers in 27 hours flat)