Top 10 Ways to Get Your Husband To Leave Work On Time

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Staying at home with kids all day long is one of the fastest ways to go effing crazy. Most days, I exhaust every last iota of my mental, emotional and physical capacity AT LEAST an hour before my husband is due home from work. Which means I’m counting every single second until he walks through that door so I can hand off the unrelenting needs of my precious children and go into the bathroom to bang my head against the toilet bowl.

getting partner home from work on time

Unfortunately, my husband has a tendency to be late from work — he has a very loose relationship with time.  He just doesn’t see the difference between 6:30 (his planned leave time) and 6:50 (more like his actual leave time — on a good day).

Duh!  20 minutes of multiply combustive hell.

Late afternoon/early evening is the witching hour for little kids.  Suddenly they hear some siren call and start seething like zombies and climbing the curtains.  Couple that with a mom who’s already used up everything she has to give and is ticking off every single second after he’s due home but not there, muttering “Where IS your father?  I’m gonna kill him with my bare hands.  Where the hell is that murfur…?” under her breath, periodically looking out the front door, not seeing his car, going back to answering the calls of mommy, mommy, mommy and becoming a ticking time bomb.

Not that that’s ever happened to me.

So in the interest of mom’s sanity, which — let’s be honest — is the basis for the entire family’s sanity, I suggest you get really, really creative in your attempts to get your husband (parter, lover, wife) home from the office on time.

If, like in my situation, common strategies don’t work for you, may I present

THE TOP TEN WAYS TO GET YOUR HUSBAND TO LEAVE WORK ON TIME.

1.  While he’s in the shower in the morning, set the alarm on his phone to go off at 5:00pm, 5:01, 5:02, 5:03, 5:04…

2.  Send him a text in the late afternoon.  Be sure to use the word “STABBY” at least once, preferably twice.

3.  Set off your house alarm.  After you’re sure the alarm company has alerted hubs, let them know it’s a false alarm.  Don’t tell hubby and don’t answer his calls. Bet your husband isn’t late from work this time.

4.  Put one golf club out on the lawn for every 5 minutes he’s late.  Text him photos.  (This suggestion works with anything he loves that comes in PIECES like drum sets, prize baseball cards, workout equipment…which also makes it useful weekly).

5.  Tell him there’s a baby in a basket on the front porch that looks exactly like him.  Don’t tell him it’s your baby.  And you put it there.

10 ways to get your husband home from work on time.

Why does this baby have a tube taped to his face? Click on the photo to find out more.

6.  Have a male friend “accidentally” send him a text saying, “Be there soon, sexy.  What time does your husband get home?”

7.  Put on a piece of lingerie you haven’t worn since your honeymoon.  Take a picture of your ass.  Text it to him along with the message, “The kids are asleep.  Come and get it.”  When he gets home, tell him they just woke up and go take a bubble bath alone.

8.  Deposit your kids with the receptionist at his office.  Pin his name to their shirts, wait until she’s on the phone, then whisper something about an emergency and run out.10 Ways to Get Your Husband Home From Work On Time

9.  Call him to say your car is broken down in the Baskin Robbins parking lot.  Unplug the battery.  Go inside and work your way through 31 flavors.

10.  Tell your husband a friend suddenly got free tickets to the big game or a concert or a monster truck rally or a cock-fight and if he makes it to their house by 5:00 and not a minute later, one of them is his.  Make sure that friend is out of town.  When he gets there, he’ll assume he was too late and come home.

20130210114319_5117ce271c352If you use my tried and true methods for getting your husband (or whomever you’re waiting for) out of the office on time, I can’t guarantee he’ll be in a good mood when he gets home but, ya know, who cares? That’s your kids’ problem.

Now it’s up to you.  Since my husband’s getting wise to all my methods, I need some new tricks.  Share your most creative ideas with me.  Come on, SPILL!

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Comments

  1. “Oh, I didn’t realize how late it was when I left the office” = my ears imploding into my skull most nights 😉

    I wish I had a suggestion to add but I haven’t found the silver bullet yet. Of course, now I will have to try the stabby text.

    • ashersmom says:

      Stabby works pretty well. The key is to make sure your hubs always maintains a healthy fear of you. No wink, wink because I’m dead serious.

  2. Good stuff. Sad to say but it never occurred to me to do any of the above suggestions & now it’s too late! Damn it. My kids are a bit older but I remember those traumatic, impossible, exhausting, never-ending, disgruntled days well. Particularly loved the strange baby in a basket idea. I may be able to use that one & then say the mother had a change of heart & came back to collect the baby.

    Sadly, I couldn’t read #1 or the top part of your post . For me there is a big blank spot running down the middle. Has this happened to anyone else?

    • ashersmom says:

      Thanks for commenting. Weird on the blank spot…Hmmm, I’m an internet idiot. I probably did something to my blog. ARGH!!!

      • Anonymous says:

        The blank spot appeared for a moment then went away. I thinkit has to do with my “buggy” first generation iPad.

  3. So if I live in a 12th floor apartment building, can I just throw the golf clubs off the balcony?

    • M. L. Hollums says:

      No, but you can dangle them over the rail with a rope. Every 5 mins, cut a strand of the rope and send him a pic. When you’re down to the last strand, mention his (*insert name of hubby’s favorite breakable object here*) is waiting right underneath down below.

  4. ashersmom says:

    Hmmm, send hubs a pic of you handing the golf clubs to people passing by your building on the street. Might work even faster. : )

  5. This made me lol. My fav was number 9. LOVE all of the “motha” blogs. Certainly makes me realize I am not alone and crazy. I am crazy with company!

    • ashersmom says:

      It’s so important to realize we’re all gong through this crazy shit. Otherwise, you’d think that YOU were crazy and it’s not you — it’s all of us! ; )

  6. What is the deal with husbands and leaving late??? I am totally going to follow your ideas. I like the one golf club every few minutes out into the front yard idea. The other one is to just call every five minutes. Call or text. Just blow up his phone.

    • ashersmom says:

      Yeah, mine pretends he’s in a meeting and turns his off so. Tomorrow, I’m disassembling his drum kit.
      Soooo, if anyone wants at least a few pieces of a drum kit, drive on by my house tomorrow at about 5:15.
      Thanks, Kelley! xoxoxo

  7. Perfect! I am pinning, bookmarking, printing, etc.–I need to keep this list close!

    • ashersmom says:

      Feel free to employ all my tried and true methods and more importantly, hit me back up with any new ones you come up with. Gotta keep my repertoire fresh!

  8. LOVE this list. My husband has a loose relationship with time too. He insists he’s home at 5:15 “90% of the time.” I think he’s been home at 5:15 maybe twice. He thinks that as long as the time is 5:XX, he’s on time. If it’s 6:XX, which it often is, he brings wine. Either way, he’s accustomed to me being a raging lunatic bitch. All the kids and I run to the door to tell on each other. He must love coming home.

    • ashersmom says:

      YES! When I try to talk to hubs about this, he INSISTS he leaves when he supposed to 80% of the time. Once I secretly wrote down what time he got home for 2 weeks and then confronted him with it. He came home on time for 2 days and then went right back to his old ways. Hence the list. Yesterday, stabby. Tomorrow, golf clubs!

    • that comment made me laugh, I am a grandma now but I remember those days

  9. The makings of a great relationship right here.

  10. Ha! Great list… My hubs answers to nothing. I told him I was in labor and actually was, he told me to text when I was close. Yeah 5 minutes to spare,

    • ashersmom says:

      Your husband and my husband DO NOT need to become friends! Sounds like things would only get worse for both of us. ; )

    • LOL. When I was in labour, my husband decided to stop at Starbucks on our way to the hospital. I guess he figured we had time. He was right. Our daughter wasn’t born until 12 hours later, which was enough time for me to forget about the Starbucks incident. Or maybe it was all the drugs they gave me that made me forget about the Starbucks incident. Or maybe it was the fact that I had just had a baby. Or maybe I never actually forgot about the Starbucks incident because here I am talking about it a year later.

      • Ha!

        My husband asked if we could wait a half hour until he got his stuff together.

        I said no.

        Good thing I did, because as it was I gave birth in the taxi. If we’d waited that half-hour the neighbors would’ve thought we had National Geographic on really high.

        • ashersmom says:

          I’m starting to think men carry a “lateness” gene. My dad apparently wanted to finish his football game before taking my mom to the hospital to have me. Sheesh!

          • I think something happens to their brains when they hear “i’m in labor” because our house was a virtual straight line to the hospital and yet 1mi from hosp he decided he wanted to find a back way to avoid traffic at the light (hosp on CORNER at light!?)- took a half hour (true story!) to get unlost from his shortcut and the whole time i was screeching at him to just get to the dang hosp already for the love of All that is holy! lol- great blog. Made me see the opposite side of the coin, for the years when our kids were littler, he was househusband I was working momma… and now I understand a little better why he would def mind when I’d pick up an hour of overtime or got stuck in traffic. I’d walk in the door after an hour commute and be handed a baby, a 4yr old’s drawing of me, everyone talking to me at once, about everything, supper to cook, bath, beds, clean, collapse, and didn’t realize why he wanted to just sit and watch TV 😉

  11. Laughing too hard to leave a real comment! Love it!

  12. The Baskin Robbins one is genius. Ice cream is always so much sweeter with a sprinkling of deception.

  13. Phenomenal!

  14. Found you via Kelley’s Break Room. Loved this post. I seriously thought I was the only one.

    • ashersmom says:

      Me too. And it only makes you crazier. That’s why it’s so important for us to speak the truth about mommyhood. The job is hard enough as it is without thinking you suck at it and everyone else is GREAT at it. Thank you so much for stopping by and for your comment.

  15. Found you via the Diva

    Your blog is great! I am nominating you for a Liebster Award. I’d explain it all now, except I’m dead tired. So, please follow this link for the details. 🙂

    http://bubblezking.blogspot.com/2012/10/leeping-liebsters.html

    It’s legit. Promise. I’ve been stalking bloggers internet-wide just for this. I only like my Spam fried on a sammich.

  16. How about not being passive/aggressive and actually communicating? Nah, functional relationship advice doesn’t get page views.

    • Say what??

      • who is this self righteous person?? get a sense of humor and a sense of perspective!!

        i was in tears from laughing so hard!! great stuff.

        just last night after incessant whining and tears and repeatedly asking why daddy wasn’t home yet, I had my daughter call (while still crying) and ask him when her best friend would be home. he got home post haste!

    • Anonymous says:

      TO THE RIGHTEOUS POSTER ABOVE: PASSIVE aggressive? The key word being “passive”…would you rather us be just aggressive??? Have you done this job?…there is a not a human on earth that can work AS HARD AS WE DO and not feel “agressive” when “overtime” is our nightly reward! WAKE UP, that’s what makes us good full-time parents; we are able to extend ourselves and give everything up until “the finish line” at the end of the day- when RELIEF comes into the door! OBVIOUSLY the above poster has NEVER BEEN AT HER JOB FOR AN EXTRA “hour or two” because the PERSON RELIEVING HER “lost track of time”.

  17. This is hilarious! My hubs and I communicate with 99% humor. It gets the point across and we get a chuckle. Keep your funny posts coming!

    • ashersmom says:

      Clearly, we do the same thing around this house. Or maybe I really put his golf clubs on the lawn every 5 minutes. Check it! ; )

  18. This is hilarious! My husband has a REALLY loose relationship with time. He’s out of the house at 7:00 every morning, and on the days he leaves the office before 6:30 (getting him home by 7:30), it feels like Christmas.

    I shall try taking pictures of his golf clubs sailing through the air as I drop them off of our 40th floor balcony on those really bad days…

    Thanks for the tips!

    Dani @ cloudywithachanceofwine.com

  19. My dad actually made my mom wait until the end of the SuperBowl before taking her to the hospital when she was in labor with my older brother. I’m still surprised that they had me after that experience.

    • Wow- just imagine if she did have the baby at home.

      Imagine how she could have leveraged that: “Hey hon’, you need to come home RIGHT NOW.”

      He’d come running home before she hung up the phone…

  20. Okay, I know I’m late to this post party, but I’m literally wiping tears away. These are brilliant – #7 is my fave. Gonna totally try it. He’ll FLY home just in time to help with MATH homework. Mwahahahaha!!

    • And you’ll get a nice bubble bath. Don’t forget the chill the wine before you text him that pic of your lovely ass!

  21. I love reading your humorus post and I will definitely try the “baby at the front door” I’m going through that everyday with my 5 terrorist as soon as they arrive home from school along with the 4month old.

  22. I find following through on #7 works like a charm.

  23. LOL #6. Brilliant. Especially brilliant if you have a female friend accidentally text him. He’ll arrive in a much better mood if the friend is female…

  24. I made your favorite dinner but the kids are starving so they are eating already, I hope there’s some left.

  25. This.. is not even close to funny. WTF. Breaking his stuff? Guys are guys, and 20 minutes late is not such a big deal. Just learn how to control your kids, ’cause I think thát’s your problem.

  26. Daddy Joe says:

    What are you complaining about? You “homemakers” get to stay home with kids all day AND don’t have to work…and don’t have to contribute income to the family. Millions of women would kill to be you. So go make your man a sandwich and shut the F@(# up!

    • Anonymous says:

      Why did you even read this??? Go back to your man cave and ignore your children because clearly your wife gets zero assistance.

      This article is hilarious! Just a suggestion – smile and take a deep breath. It’s gonna be ok angry man….

      • I’m sorry, “homemakers” don’t work? Oh my lord, you are one very delusional man. Going to “work” would be a piece of cake compared to staying at home. But, I’m very thankful that I can and do stay home, and I’m thankful that I’m not married to a cretin like you, but a man who understands and appreciates all I do and doesn’t expect me to contribute an income to earn my keep.

        • Anonymous says:

          Some men are idiots.

        • So totally agree, I found this to be hilarious, I am a stay at home mom and hubby is a truck driver so when he hasn’t been home for a few days I get the dog barking and 3 year old yelling and send him a voice note, stay at home moms have the hardest jobs and when humourless troglodytes just cannot figure that out it makes me feel for their wives.

  27. OMG this is so friggin hilarious. I had to stop reading to wipe away the tears because I couldn’t see through them, I was laughing so hard. I would love to send this to my husband but I don’t want to give up my newfound hand. Do you think a 10 year old in a basket would work the same? I’m from Brooklyn, he’s from South America. Time is the only thing we fight about. I wish I had something clever for you in return.

  28. I’m a working mom and I envy moms that can be at home with their kids all day. Yet here you all are, calling your children “terrorists” and devising deceptions to get your husbands to relieve you of your privilege sooner. This is far from humorous. Ever stop to think he’s at work so he can put food on the table, support YOU and your kids, and allow you to remain a SAHM? I realize you all probably have no idea what it takes to succeed in a job outside the home, but –yes– it requires a commitment of time that doesn’t usually stop at 5pm.

    You are all ungrateful wenches who obviously are taking a wonderful privilege for granted. Take a moment to reevaluate your outlook on the situation and quitcherbitchin’. Seriously.

    • ashersmom says:

      I’ve done both so I know which one is harder for me. Staying with the kids for 10 hours every day while my husband is gone is harder. It’s also more rewarding. I see both sides. It might benefit you to try that.

  29. I used to tell my husband (and still do sometimes) that one of the kids spilled pudding (or yogurt, or bacon grease… whatever) down my cleavage and I needed help washing my boobs. Home in record time.

  30. OMG!!! Still laughing. LOVE THESE!

  31. This is AWESOME! Anyone who thinks otherwise has no sense of humor.

    Also, I have done both. I was very successful in my career. I met very stringent deadlines, my hours were not conventional. Nothing is more difficult, requires more patience, planning, juggling or drive to make it through the day than being a stay at home mom.

    It’s not for everyone and that’s okay. For those of us who can and do stay home with our kids, it is the most rewarding thing in the world. I can’t imagine missing out on all the things I would if my kids were in daycare. As crazy as they make me, I will miss them so incredibly much when they go to school.

    That being said…. I want my husband home on time so I can have some backup.

    • YES! I make it all day long pretty okay. It’s the mental toughness to do it until you know some relief is one the way. But once that relief is SUPPOSED to be on the way and it’s NOT???? I start cussing under my breath. “Where is your father? Where is he? Daggum…effing…”

  32. Steph at I'm Still Learning says:

    Now that’s some solid advice!

  33. crazymommy says:

    SEND a text that says “Running the bath water. Andrea is coming for a visit.”

  34. Txt him and say at 5:15 you are starting art time with the children and tonight’s activity is permanent marker/latex paint/glitter. As it gets closer to arrival time ask if it is ok if the kids draw on/decorate his baseball cards/record albums/comic books. For one last push send a picture of you kid with the marker/paintbrush/glitter bottle.

    Tell him the cable company is there to shut off ESPN… They can only stay until 5:00 so if he had a problem with that he should get home.

    One time when he is late causally tell him about the really hot guy who came to the door selling magazine subscriptions/speed boats/timeshares/bibles. Go on and on about how hot he was. Repeat the next time he is late but add that the salesman was so funny. The next time talk about how sexy he is. On a night when you need him home on time text and tell him that you can see the salesman’s truck parked up the road, did he need you to order anything?

    Slip a note in his briefcase reminding him you have that lingerie party in the afternoon and you plan a surprise for him when he gets home. When he arrives dust the spit up off your hoodie and say, “not lingerie, literature, you silly man! We read The Help. I’m thinking we need a maid.”

    Text him and tell him you are considering joining the army to be all you can be, you think being a military mom would suit him as well. Let him know your appointment with the recruiter is at 5:00.

    Call him and tell him that it is your night off and that you will start feeding the children Mountain Dew and Skittles promptly at 5. The later he is the worse he’ll have it.

    Find his favorite old and nasty tee or sweat shirt. Take a photo of it with a sign that says, “Be home by five or the shirt gets it”. Be sure scissors are in the picture. Send it to him. At 5:00 cut off one square inch and text a picture. Repeat at five minute intervals.

    Tell the children you are playing hide and seek. Take photos of them hiding. Send them to hubby with a note saying that for now they are safe from you but the later he is the more likely there will be blood stains. And damn are those hard to clean up.

    Tell him you are naked and ready for him, but that every minute late he is you out back on an article of clothing. When he gets home tell him he blew it. Maybe next time. Repeat as needed.

    Send him an email asking if it ok if you redecorate the house. Then another asking how he feels about a day-glo living room. And another saying maybe a pink floral bedroom would be perfect. And yet another telling him that you always thought that his man space in the attic/garage/basement would make a perfect craft/wrapping paper/dance/art room. Finally tell him the contract had a cancelation and will be there at five, did he have anything to add because you have a few ideas. Turn off the phone.

    Have your child call daddy. Give him/her a lollipop to say “mommy is dancing with that nice man again.”

    Call and say the goodwill truck has a conflict and is coming today at five instead of tomorrow, does he need these trophies/pool cues/golf clubs/comic books anymore? Shut off your phone.

    • LOVE the one about having your kid call daddy to say “mommy is dancing with that nice man again.” A guaranteed winner!

  35. A dad that works hard but loves his tribe says:

    So, my wife shared this with me. What a sweety! She just wanted to make my 12-hour working day better by adding a bit of humor. I love her (really) (truly) (I think) and, therefore, as a hard working husband, dedicated to my job and my family, I have found this pretty humorous, despite my disagreement with the premise.

    For those of you husbands and working moms that have taken offense to the post and the responses …. chill. I once attended a dinner with my wife and a Phillipine woman who called all SAHM’s women of leisure … I don’t think she was meaning to be disrespectful, but rather considered it an accolade. I’ve always given my wife a bunch of grief over this, but I don’t truly believe that the life of a SAHM (at least those that don’t send their kids to mother’s day out 5 days a week or have a full-time nanny) is a life of leisure. Nevertheless, I’ve been on the working side of it with a SAHM most of my adult life and I don’t agree, necessarily, about who has the more difficult job, particularly after the kiddos are in school. I do, however, understand.the frustration and their perceived workload.

    Moving on, my wife has variously bitched, moaned, whined, and manipulated when she was ready for me to come home, including, but not limited to, some of the suggested responses. I think it only fair to post a few of my favorite responses.

    1. While he’s in the shower in the morning, set the alarm on his phone to go off at 5:00, 5:01, 5:02, 5:03, 5:04…

    Response: While her ass is sleeping, set the alarm for 5:00, 5:01, 5:02, 5:03, 5:04 A.M. … when she starts bitching, tell her to get up and make breakfast and deal with the kids, so you can make some money to buy tomorrow’s breakfast.

    2. Send him an email or text in the late afternoon. Be sure to use the word “STABBY” at least once, preferably twice.

    Response: Baby, PLEASE don’t, I’ll be there with the new Brazilian Au Pair in 15 minutes, promise ….

    3. Set off your house alarm. After you’re sure the alarm company has alerted hubs, let them know it’s a false alarm. Don’t tell hubby and don’t answer his calls.

    Response: Really????? I commute an hour plus a day. So either my crib is gone by the time I get home or this is some bullshit. God knows I love y’all, but by the time you call me to talk about the fire, there ain’t shit I can do about it.

    4. Put one golf club out on the lawn for every 5 minutes he’s late. Text him photos. (This suggestion works with anything he loves that comes in PIECES like drum sets, prize baseball cards, workout equipment…which also makes it useful weekly).
    RESPONSE: Effective, perhaps. However, response is text photos of credit card being cut into pieces (doesn’t have to be real credit card… just close enough with bad focus to look like it). Next text, picture of on-line bank account … money being transferred from joint account to individual account in your name…. continue with other accounts … she’ll get the picture quickly.

    5. Tell him there’s a baby in a basket on the front porch that looks exactly like him. Don’t tell him it’s your baby. And you put it there.

    Response: Send picture of hot young thing in bathing suit (or birthday suit). These pictures are not hard to find these days. Suggest she has job and assets (to be liberally interpreted). “Could be mine. I think we should adopt and you two should be sister-wives.”

    6. Have a male friend “accidentally” send him a text saying, “Be there at 5:00pm. What time does your husband get home?”

    RESPONSE: Send picture of divorce decree … with proposed settlement agreement under Texas law (very favorable to earning partner).

    7. Put on a piece of lingerie you haven’t worn since your honeymoon. Take a picture of your ass. Text it to him along with the message, “The kids are asleep. Come and get it.” When he gets home, tell him they just woke up and go take a bubble bath alone.

    Response: “Doh”…. So let’s be real. I’m a guy and I fall for this shit almost every time. Like Lucy, Charlie Brown and the football. You keep pulling it away and yet I keep falling for this or some version of this … I’m just a neanderthal after all. “Doh”

    8. Deposit your kids with the receptionist at his office. Pin his name to their shirts, wait until she’s on the phone, then whisper something about an emergency and run out.

    This one is truly evil …guys help me out here ’cause this one would be real problematic. the only thing I can think of is to call her on her cell phone: “Hey, babe, I realized you’ re right. I need to find myself… I told my boss that I can’t work for the man anymore… it’s just too hard to pretend I’m something that I’m not … I love you so much for making me realize that it’s time to restart my [insert musical, athletic, professional gambling, artistic, etc.] ambitions. “I’m going to take six months off to find myself and then start my new career. Thank you so much for being such a loving, caring, sensitive wife. I LOOOOOVE you!!!!

    9. Call him to say your car is broken down in the Baskin Robbins parking lot. Unplug the battery. Go inside and have some ice cream.

    Response: That’s why we got AAA. I loved you in advance.

    10. Tell your husband a friend suddenly got free tickets to the big game or a concert or a monster truck rally or a cock-fight that night and if he makes it to their house by 5:00 and not a minute later, one of them is his. Make sure that friend is out of town. When he gets there, he’ll assume he was too late and come home.

    RESPONSE: The only friends I know that are “home by 5:00” have a girlfriend. In either event, my friend is either still at work, or he is still at work. I don’t know what 1950’s town you live in (and God bless you if you’ve found it), but those of us in the rest of the working world have never heard of getting off at 5:00.

    If you use my tried and true methods for getting your husband (or whomever you’re waiting for while you take care of the critters all day) out of the office on time, I can’t guarantee he’ll be in a good mood when he gets home but, ya know, who cares? That’s your kids’ problem.

    Now it’s up to you. Since my husband’s getting wise to all my methods, I need some new tricks. Share your most creative ideas with me. Come on, SPILL!

  36. Call and ask : “Is it baking powder or baking soda you use to put out a grease fire?” Then say “Whoops! Oh, no!” and hang up!

  37. And….it’s February. I’m a little behind. (Now you say, “You don’t look like a little behind.” Then I say, “Are you saying my bottom is fat?” Yep, I just made that up on the fly. Damn I’m tired.)
    I want to do everything you mentioned, especially dropping the kids at the office under the guise of emergency. I did act surprised about the information I found in a article once, about all the great benefits for children who participate in family dinner, and passed it along to my husband when our first was still a baby. I don’t think it had much impact.
    VERY funny Lady. Thank you!

  38. Very funny post, I may be able to use some of the suggestions when bf is on one of his weeks home. On his work weeks he’s usually begging to be home before his shift is half over.

  39. I’m currently breastfeeding, therefore eating like a monster, so I’ll make his favorite dinners, do an eat it all countdown of lateness (leaving enough so that he knows what he missed), and he’s left with sandwiches. Mmmm baloney.

  40. What do you men do for work that is so hard? Laundry, vacuming, feeding (mostly the kid), cleaning toliets, dishes, cooking, baking, and a million other things. yes we appreciate the money but sometime a women needs a break. Which she gets when you get home. So after 10+ hours yes a little sanity comes out. I love your blog. I wish my husband would check his phone so i could try some of these.

  41. Really? says:

    If your husband is not already having an affair, following this list will likely drive him to have one…

    • ashersmom says:

      It literally makes me LOL to know there are people who believe this is a serious post. Thank you!

  42. Allison says:

    This was pretty funny! The Baskin Robbins one and the Stabby parts were my favs! I am “supposedly” on a diet,but can never say no to ice cream!!!Although I must admit,I think I read it wrong to start off with.(I have a husband who HATES getting out of bed in the mornings).Please think about writing another column for the wives like me,who have to practically shove the hubs out of bed,haha! I would so love it =D

  43. I just found your blog today and have already read through about half of it. I love your posts! It really is great to hear other moms being honest about how insane it is to be a SAHM! I also read all of the comments on this post and I think it’s hilarious that there are people taking this so seriously and think that they know someone else’s story!

    I don’t have any ideas to add since my (second) husband is more than happy to come home on time. My ex was a US Marine when our son was a baby-toddler and was never home; I gave up trying to find ways to get him home sooner because he didn’t WANT to be home.

    • ashersmom says:

      Hi donya!
      Thanks for commenting. I know! It’s so hilarious that people take this seriously! I guess you can’t buy a sense of humor!

  44. The other day the kids started filling up water balloons. I sent my husband a text that said u might want to duck and cover when u get home the kids r filling up a 100 water balloons nailing daddy with one is bonus points all is fair in love and war…..My husband sent back a whiny text that he would have his phone in his pocket and didn’t want to get his work clothes wet. His loving wife sent back YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED and a picture of a water balloon with his name on it. It is good to give ur husband something to look forward to when he gets home from work.

  45. Dominique Dodds says:

    I LOVE THIS!

  46. Stephanie says:

    I call him and hand our three year old the phone. She knows when daddy is supposed to be home and cries when he’s late.

  47. I tell my husband that every day that he is late is a day that I will eat a pint of Ben & Jerrys in lieu of working out. At that rate, being late 3 days a week could mean 15-20 lbs in no time. Very effective. Be sure to toss lots of empty ice cream containers on top of the trash.

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Top 10 Ways to Get Your Husband To Leave Work On Time

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Staying at home with kids all day long is one of the fastest ways to go effing crazy. Most days, I exhaust every last iota of my mental, emotional and physical capacity AT LEAST an hour before my husband is due home from work. Which means I’m counting every single second until he walks through that door so I can hand off the unrelenting needs of my precious children and go into the bathroom to bang my head against the toilet bowl.

getting partner home from work on time

Unfortunately, my husband has a tendency to be late from work — he has a very loose relationship with time.  He just doesn’t see the difference between 6:30 (his planned leave time) and 6:50 (more like his actual leave time — on a good day).

Duh!  20 minutes of multiply combustive hell.

Late afternoon/early evening is the witching hour for little kids.  Suddenly they hear some siren call and start seething like zombies and climbing the curtains.  Couple that with a mom who’s already used up everything she has to give and is ticking off every single second after he’s due home but not there, muttering “Where IS your father?  I’m gonna kill him with my bare hands.  Where the hell is that murfur…?” under her breath, periodically looking out the front door, not seeing his car, going back to answering the calls of mommy, mommy, mommy and becoming a ticking time bomb.

Not that that’s ever happened to me.

So in the interest of mom’s sanity, which — let’s be honest — is the basis for the entire family’s sanity, I suggest you get really, really creative in your attempts to get your husband (parter, lover, wife) home from the office on time.

If, like in my situation, common strategies don’t work for you, may I present

THE TOP TEN WAYS TO GET YOUR HUSBAND TO LEAVE WORK ON TIME.

1.  While he’s in the shower in the morning, set the alarm on his phone to go off at 5:00pm, 5:01, 5:02, 5:03, 5:04…

2.  Send him a text in the late afternoon.  Be sure to use the word “STABBY” at least once, preferably twice.

3.  Set off your house alarm.  After you’re sure the alarm company has alerted hubs, let them know it’s a false alarm.  Don’t tell hubby and don’t answer his calls. Bet your husband isn’t late from work this time.

4.  Put one golf club out on the lawn for every 5 minutes he’s late.  Text him photos.  (This suggestion works with anything he loves that comes in PIECES like drum sets, prize baseball cards, workout equipment…which also makes it useful weekly).

5.  Tell him there’s a baby in a basket on the front porch that looks exactly like him.  Don’t tell him it’s your baby.  And you put it there.

10 ways to get your husband home from work on time.

Why does this baby have a tube taped to his face? Click on the photo to find out more.

6.  Have a male friend “accidentally” send him a text saying, “Be there soon, sexy.  What time does your husband get home?”

7.  Put on a piece of lingerie you haven’t worn since your honeymoon.  Take a picture of your ass.  Text it to him along with the message, “The kids are asleep.  Come and get it.”  When he gets home, tell him they just woke up and go take a bubble bath alone.

8.  Deposit your kids with the receptionist at his office.  Pin his name to their shirts, wait until she’s on the phone, then whisper something about an emergency and run out.10 Ways to Get Your Husband Home From Work On Time

9.  Call him to say your car is broken down in the Baskin Robbins parking lot.  Unplug the battery.  Go inside and work your way through 31 flavors.

10.  Tell your husband a friend suddenly got free tickets to the big game or a concert or a monster truck rally or a cock-fight and if he makes it to their house by 5:00 and not a minute later, one of them is his.  Make sure that friend is out of town.  When he gets there, he’ll assume he was too late and come home.

20130210114319_5117ce271c352If you use my tried and true methods for getting your husband (or whomever you’re waiting for) out of the office on time, I can’t guarantee he’ll be in a good mood when he gets home but, ya know, who cares? That’s your kids’ problem.

Now it’s up to you.  Since my husband’s getting wise to all my methods, I need some new tricks.  Share your most creative ideas with me.  Come on, SPILL!

Like this? Follow me on Facebook for a daily dose of my special brand of humor. You can also follow me on pinterest where this post occasionally brings outraged comments about what a cold bitch I am from people who clearly do not understand sarcasm.  You wouldn’t wanna miss that, would you?

  1. “Oh, I didn’t realize how late it was when I left the office” = my ears imploding into my skull most nights 😉

    I wish I had a suggestion to add but I haven’t found the silver bullet yet. Of course, now I will have to try the stabby text.

    1. ashersmom says:

      Stabby works pretty well. The key is to make sure your hubs always maintains a healthy fear of you. No wink, wink because I’m dead serious.

  2. Good stuff. Sad to say but it never occurred to me to do any of the above suggestions & now it’s too late! Damn it. My kids are a bit older but I remember those traumatic, impossible, exhausting, never-ending, disgruntled days well. Particularly loved the strange baby in a basket idea. I may be able to use that one & then say the mother had a change of heart & came back to collect the baby.

    Sadly, I couldn’t read #1 or the top part of your post . For me there is a big blank spot running down the middle. Has this happened to anyone else?

    1. ashersmom says:

      Thanks for commenting. Weird on the blank spot…Hmmm, I’m an internet idiot. I probably did something to my blog. ARGH!!!

      1. Anonymous says:

        The blank spot appeared for a moment then went away. I thinkit has to do with my “buggy” first generation iPad.

  3. Mommy Shorts says:

    So if I live in a 12th floor apartment building, can I just throw the golf clubs off the balcony?

    1. M. L. Hollums says:

      No, but you can dangle them over the rail with a rope. Every 5 mins, cut a strand of the rope and send him a pic. When you’re down to the last strand, mention his (*insert name of hubby’s favorite breakable object here*) is waiting right underneath down below.

  4. ashersmom says:

    Hmmm, send hubs a pic of you handing the golf clubs to people passing by your building on the street. Might work even faster. : )

  5. Ckelly12 says:

    This made me lol. My fav was number 9. LOVE all of the “motha” blogs. Certainly makes me realize I am not alone and crazy. I am crazy with company!

    1. ashersmom says:

      It’s so important to realize we’re all gong through this crazy shit. Otherwise, you’d think that YOU were crazy and it’s not you — it’s all of us! ; )

  6. Kelley says:

    What is the deal with husbands and leaving late??? I am totally going to follow your ideas. I like the one golf club every few minutes out into the front yard idea. The other one is to just call every five minutes. Call or text. Just blow up his phone.

    1. ashersmom says:

      Yeah, mine pretends he’s in a meeting and turns his off so. Tomorrow, I’m disassembling his drum kit.
      Soooo, if anyone wants at least a few pieces of a drum kit, drive on by my house tomorrow at about 5:15.
      Thanks, Kelley! xoxoxo

  7. Meredith says:

    Perfect! I am pinning, bookmarking, printing, etc.–I need to keep this list close!

    1. ashersmom says:

      Feel free to employ all my tried and true methods and more importantly, hit me back up with any new ones you come up with. Gotta keep my repertoire fresh!

  8. LOVE this list. My husband has a loose relationship with time too. He insists he’s home at 5:15 “90% of the time.” I think he’s been home at 5:15 maybe twice. He thinks that as long as the time is 5:XX, he’s on time. If it’s 6:XX, which it often is, he brings wine. Either way, he’s accustomed to me being a raging lunatic bitch. All the kids and I run to the door to tell on each other. He must love coming home.

    1. ashersmom says:

      YES! When I try to talk to hubs about this, he INSISTS he leaves when he supposed to 80% of the time. Once I secretly wrote down what time he got home for 2 weeks and then confronted him with it. He came home on time for 2 days and then went right back to his old ways. Hence the list. Yesterday, stabby. Tomorrow, golf clubs!

    2. pat says:

      that comment made me laugh, I am a grandma now but I remember those days

  9. Dustin says:

    The makings of a great relationship right here.

    1. ashersmom says:

      Why thanks! ; )

    1. ashersmom says:

      Your husband and my husband DO NOT need to become friends! Sounds like things would only get worse for both of us. ; )

    2. LOL. When I was in labour, my husband decided to stop at Starbucks on our way to the hospital. I guess he figured we had time. He was right. Our daughter wasn’t born until 12 hours later, which was enough time for me to forget about the Starbucks incident. Or maybe it was all the drugs they gave me that made me forget about the Starbucks incident. Or maybe it was the fact that I had just had a baby. Or maybe I never actually forgot about the Starbucks incident because here I am talking about it a year later.

      1. Rachel says:

        Ha!

        My husband asked if we could wait a half hour until he got his stuff together.

        I said no.

        Good thing I did, because as it was I gave birth in the taxi. If we’d waited that half-hour the neighbors would’ve thought we had National Geographic on really high.

        1. ashersmom says:

          I’m starting to think men carry a “lateness” gene. My dad apparently wanted to finish his football game before taking my mom to the hospital to have me. Sheesh!

          1. Momma says:

            I think something happens to their brains when they hear “i’m in labor” because our house was a virtual straight line to the hospital and yet 1mi from hosp he decided he wanted to find a back way to avoid traffic at the light (hosp on CORNER at light!?)- took a half hour (true story!) to get unlost from his shortcut and the whole time i was screeching at him to just get to the dang hosp already for the love of All that is holy! lol- great blog. Made me see the opposite side of the coin, for the years when our kids were littler, he was househusband I was working momma… and now I understand a little better why he would def mind when I’d pick up an hour of overtime or got stuck in traffic. I’d walk in the door after an hour commute and be handed a baby, a 4yr old’s drawing of me, everyone talking to me at once, about everything, supper to cook, bath, beds, clean, collapse, and didn’t realize why he wanted to just sit and watch TV 😉

  10. Courtney says:

    Laughing too hard to leave a real comment! Love it!

    1. ashersmom says:

      Thanks! Let’s hope my husband laughs. ; )

  11. The Baskin Robbins one is genius. Ice cream is always so much sweeter with a sprinkling of deception.

    1. ashersmom says:

      I’ve always found that to be the case. Rainbow sherbet and dip it lies please! ; )

  12. Bubblez King says:

    Found you via Kelley’s Break Room. Loved this post. I seriously thought I was the only one.

    1. ashersmom says:

      Me too. And it only makes you crazier. That’s why it’s so important for us to speak the truth about mommyhood. The job is hard enough as it is without thinking you suck at it and everyone else is GREAT at it. Thank you so much for stopping by and for your comment.

  13. Bubblez King says:

    Found you via the Diva

    Your blog is great! I am nominating you for a Liebster Award. I’d explain it all now, except I’m dead tired. So, please follow this link for the details. 🙂

    http://bubblezking.blogspot.com/2012/10/leeping-liebsters.html

    It’s legit. Promise. I’ve been stalking bloggers internet-wide just for this. I only like my Spam fried on a sammich.

  14. artemis says:

    How about not being passive/aggressive and actually communicating? Nah, functional relationship advice doesn’t get page views.

      1. Shannon says:

        who is this self righteous person?? get a sense of humor and a sense of perspective!!

        i was in tears from laughing so hard!! great stuff.

        just last night after incessant whining and tears and repeatedly asking why daddy wasn’t home yet, I had my daughter call (while still crying) and ask him when her best friend would be home. he got home post haste!

    1. Anonymous says:

      TO THE RIGHTEOUS POSTER ABOVE: PASSIVE aggressive? The key word being “passive”…would you rather us be just aggressive??? Have you done this job?…there is a not a human on earth that can work AS HARD AS WE DO and not feel “agressive” when “overtime” is our nightly reward! WAKE UP, that’s what makes us good full-time parents; we are able to extend ourselves and give everything up until “the finish line” at the end of the day- when RELIEF comes into the door! OBVIOUSLY the above poster has NEVER BEEN AT HER JOB FOR AN EXTRA “hour or two” because the PERSON RELIEVING HER “lost track of time”.

  15. Kerry says:

    This is hilarious! My hubs and I communicate with 99% humor. It gets the point across and we get a chuckle. Keep your funny posts coming!

    1. ashersmom says:

      Clearly, we do the same thing around this house. Or maybe I really put his golf clubs on the lawn every 5 minutes. Check it! ; )

  16. Dani Ryan says:

    This is hilarious! My husband has a REALLY loose relationship with time. He’s out of the house at 7:00 every morning, and on the days he leaves the office before 6:30 (getting him home by 7:30), it feels like Christmas.

    I shall try taking pictures of his golf clubs sailing through the air as I drop them off of our 40th floor balcony on those really bad days…

    Thanks for the tips!

    Dani @ cloudywithachanceofwine.com

  17. Sara says:

    My dad actually made my mom wait until the end of the SuperBowl before taking her to the hospital when she was in labor with my older brother. I’m still surprised that they had me after that experience.

    1. Rachel says:

      Wow- just imagine if she did have the baby at home.

      Imagine how she could have leveraged that: “Hey hon’, you need to come home RIGHT NOW.”

      He’d come running home before she hung up the phone…

  18. Michelle says:

    Okay, I know I’m late to this post party, but I’m literally wiping tears away. These are brilliant – #7 is my fave. Gonna totally try it. He’ll FLY home just in time to help with MATH homework. Mwahahahaha!!

    1. ashersmom says:

      And you’ll get a nice bubble bath. Don’t forget the chill the wine before you text him that pic of your lovely ass!

  19. malele says:

    I love reading your humorus post and I will definitely try the “baby at the front door” I’m going through that everyday with my 5 terrorist as soon as they arrive home from school along with the 4month old.

  20. Kylie says:

    I find following through on #7 works like a charm.

    1. ashersmom says:

      Good for you! And him. Even that’s doesn’t do it for mine. Boo.

  21. realmomofnj says:

    LOL #6. Brilliant. Especially brilliant if you have a female friend accidentally text him. He’ll arrive in a much better mood if the friend is female…

  22. Eliza says:

    I made your favorite dinner but the kids are starving so they are eating already, I hope there’s some left.

    1. ashersmom says:

      Yes, a good tactic as long as your husband is very food-motivated. Works with my dog.

  23. J. says:

    This.. is not even close to funny. WTF. Breaking his stuff? Guys are guys, and 20 minutes late is not such a big deal. Just learn how to control your kids, ’cause I think thát’s your problem.

    1. Melissa says:

      You must be a man! Or, wait, are you her husband?? lol!

      1. J. says:

        Nope, a woman. But if your kids make you crazy, it’s not your husbands fault!

        1. JR says:

          aaaaand clearly not a mother. *ignore*

      2. ashersmom says:

        Or just someone who doesn’t recognize humor…

  24. Daddy Joe says:

    What are you complaining about? You “homemakers” get to stay home with kids all day AND don’t have to work…and don’t have to contribute income to the family. Millions of women would kill to be you. So go make your man a sandwich and shut the F@(# up!

    1. Anonymous says:

      Why did you even read this??? Go back to your man cave and ignore your children because clearly your wife gets zero assistance.

      This article is hilarious! Just a suggestion – smile and take a deep breath. It’s gonna be ok angry man….

      1. Shannon says:

        I’m sorry, “homemakers” don’t work? Oh my lord, you are one very delusional man. Going to “work” would be a piece of cake compared to staying at home. But, I’m very thankful that I can and do stay home, and I’m thankful that I’m not married to a cretin like you, but a man who understands and appreciates all I do and doesn’t expect me to contribute an income to earn my keep.

        1. Anonymous says:

          Some men are idiots.

        2. Kat says:

          So totally agree, I found this to be hilarious, I am a stay at home mom and hubby is a truck driver so when he hasn’t been home for a few days I get the dog barking and 3 year old yelling and send him a voice note, stay at home moms have the hardest jobs and when humourless troglodytes just cannot figure that out it makes me feel for their wives.

  25. Lisa E says:

    OMG this is so friggin hilarious. I had to stop reading to wipe away the tears because I couldn’t see through them, I was laughing so hard. I would love to send this to my husband but I don’t want to give up my newfound hand. Do you think a 10 year old in a basket would work the same? I’m from Brooklyn, he’s from South America. Time is the only thing we fight about. I wish I had something clever for you in return.

    1. ashersmom says:

      Tell him there’s a kid that looks just like him standing at the front door with a suitcase in his hand.

  26. Michelle says:

    I’m a working mom and I envy moms that can be at home with their kids all day. Yet here you all are, calling your children “terrorists” and devising deceptions to get your husbands to relieve you of your privilege sooner. This is far from humorous. Ever stop to think he’s at work so he can put food on the table, support YOU and your kids, and allow you to remain a SAHM? I realize you all probably have no idea what it takes to succeed in a job outside the home, but –yes– it requires a commitment of time that doesn’t usually stop at 5pm.

    You are all ungrateful wenches who obviously are taking a wonderful privilege for granted. Take a moment to reevaluate your outlook on the situation and quitcherbitchin’. Seriously.

    1. ashersmom says:

      I’ve done both so I know which one is harder for me. Staying with the kids for 10 hours every day while my husband is gone is harder. It’s also more rewarding. I see both sides. It might benefit you to try that.

      1. ashersmom says:

        P.S. This is a HUMOR blog.

  27. Kari says:

    I used to tell my husband (and still do sometimes) that one of the kids spilled pudding (or yogurt, or bacon grease… whatever) down my cleavage and I needed help washing my boobs. Home in record time.

  28. OMG!!! Still laughing. LOVE THESE!

    1. ashersmom says:

      Thanks!

  29. Renee says:

    This is AWESOME! Anyone who thinks otherwise has no sense of humor.

    Also, I have done both. I was very successful in my career. I met very stringent deadlines, my hours were not conventional. Nothing is more difficult, requires more patience, planning, juggling or drive to make it through the day than being a stay at home mom.

    It’s not for everyone and that’s okay. For those of us who can and do stay home with our kids, it is the most rewarding thing in the world. I can’t imagine missing out on all the things I would if my kids were in daycare. As crazy as they make me, I will miss them so incredibly much when they go to school.

    That being said…. I want my husband home on time so I can have some backup.

    1. ashersmom says:

      YES! I make it all day long pretty okay. It’s the mental toughness to do it until you know some relief is one the way. But once that relief is SUPPOSED to be on the way and it’s NOT???? I start cussing under my breath. “Where is your father? Where is he? Daggum…effing…”

  30. Steph at I'm Still Learning says:

    Now that’s some solid advice!

  31. crazymommy says:

    SEND a text that says “Running the bath water. Andrea is coming for a visit.”

    1. ashersmom says:

      That’ll get them every time!

  32. Kate says:

    Txt him and say at 5:15 you are starting art time with the children and tonight’s activity is permanent marker/latex paint/glitter. As it gets closer to arrival time ask if it is ok if the kids draw on/decorate his baseball cards/record albums/comic books. For one last push send a picture of you kid with the marker/paintbrush/glitter bottle.

    Tell him the cable company is there to shut off ESPN… They can only stay until 5:00 so if he had a problem with that he should get home.

    One time when he is late causally tell him about the really hot guy who came to the door selling magazine subscriptions/speed boats/timeshares/bibles. Go on and on about how hot he was. Repeat the next time he is late but add that the salesman was so funny. The next time talk about how sexy he is. On a night when you need him home on time text and tell him that you can see the salesman’s truck parked up the road, did he need you to order anything?

    Slip a note in his briefcase reminding him you have that lingerie party in the afternoon and you plan a surprise for him when he gets home. When he arrives dust the spit up off your hoodie and say, “not lingerie, literature, you silly man! We read The Help. I’m thinking we need a maid.”

    Text him and tell him you are considering joining the army to be all you can be, you think being a military mom would suit him as well. Let him know your appointment with the recruiter is at 5:00.

    Call him and tell him that it is your night off and that you will start feeding the children Mountain Dew and Skittles promptly at 5. The later he is the worse he’ll have it.

    Find his favorite old and nasty tee or sweat shirt. Take a photo of it with a sign that says, “Be home by five or the shirt gets it”. Be sure scissors are in the picture. Send it to him. At 5:00 cut off one square inch and text a picture. Repeat at five minute intervals.

    Tell the children you are playing hide and seek. Take photos of them hiding. Send them to hubby with a note saying that for now they are safe from you but the later he is the more likely there will be blood stains. And damn are those hard to clean up.

    Tell him you are naked and ready for him, but that every minute late he is you out back on an article of clothing. When he gets home tell him he blew it. Maybe next time. Repeat as needed.

    Send him an email asking if it ok if you redecorate the house. Then another asking how he feels about a day-glo living room. And another saying maybe a pink floral bedroom would be perfect. And yet another telling him that you always thought that his man space in the attic/garage/basement would make a perfect craft/wrapping paper/dance/art room. Finally tell him the contract had a cancelation and will be there at five, did he have anything to add because you have a few ideas. Turn off the phone.

    Have your child call daddy. Give him/her a lollipop to say “mommy is dancing with that nice man again.”

    Call and say the goodwill truck has a conflict and is coming today at five instead of tomorrow, does he need these trophies/pool cues/golf clubs/comic books anymore? Shut off your phone.

    1. ashersmom says:

      LOVE the one about having your kid call daddy to say “mommy is dancing with that nice man again.” A guaranteed winner!

  33. A dad that works hard but loves his tribe says:

    So, my wife shared this with me. What a sweety! She just wanted to make my 12-hour working day better by adding a bit of humor. I love her (really) (truly) (I think) and, therefore, as a hard working husband, dedicated to my job and my family, I have found this pretty humorous, despite my disagreement with the premise.

    For those of you husbands and working moms that have taken offense to the post and the responses …. chill. I once attended a dinner with my wife and a Phillipine woman who called all SAHM’s women of leisure … I don’t think she was meaning to be disrespectful, but rather considered it an accolade. I’ve always given my wife a bunch of grief over this, but I don’t truly believe that the life of a SAHM (at least those that don’t send their kids to mother’s day out 5 days a week or have a full-time nanny) is a life of leisure. Nevertheless, I’ve been on the working side of it with a SAHM most of my adult life and I don’t agree, necessarily, about who has the more difficult job, particularly after the kiddos are in school. I do, however, understand.the frustration and their perceived workload.

    Moving on, my wife has variously bitched, moaned, whined, and manipulated when she was ready for me to come home, including, but not limited to, some of the suggested responses. I think it only fair to post a few of my favorite responses.

    1. While he’s in the shower in the morning, set the alarm on his phone to go off at 5:00, 5:01, 5:02, 5:03, 5:04…

    Response: While her ass is sleeping, set the alarm for 5:00, 5:01, 5:02, 5:03, 5:04 A.M. … when she starts bitching, tell her to get up and make breakfast and deal with the kids, so you can make some money to buy tomorrow’s breakfast.

    2. Send him an email or text in the late afternoon. Be sure to use the word “STABBY” at least once, preferably twice.

    Response: Baby, PLEASE don’t, I’ll be there with the new Brazilian Au Pair in 15 minutes, promise ….

    3. Set off your house alarm. After you’re sure the alarm company has alerted hubs, let them know it’s a false alarm. Don’t tell hubby and don’t answer his calls.

    Response: Really????? I commute an hour plus a day. So either my crib is gone by the time I get home or this is some bullshit. God knows I love y’all, but by the time you call me to talk about the fire, there ain’t shit I can do about it.

    4. Put one golf club out on the lawn for every 5 minutes he’s late. Text him photos. (This suggestion works with anything he loves that comes in PIECES like drum sets, prize baseball cards, workout equipment…which also makes it useful weekly).
    RESPONSE: Effective, perhaps. However, response is text photos of credit card being cut into pieces (doesn’t have to be real credit card… just close enough with bad focus to look like it). Next text, picture of on-line bank account … money being transferred from joint account to individual account in your name…. continue with other accounts … she’ll get the picture quickly.

    5. Tell him there’s a baby in a basket on the front porch that looks exactly like him. Don’t tell him it’s your baby. And you put it there.

    Response: Send picture of hot young thing in bathing suit (or birthday suit). These pictures are not hard to find these days. Suggest she has job and assets (to be liberally interpreted). “Could be mine. I think we should adopt and you two should be sister-wives.”

    6. Have a male friend “accidentally” send him a text saying, “Be there at 5:00pm. What time does your husband get home?”

    RESPONSE: Send picture of divorce decree … with proposed settlement agreement under Texas law (very favorable to earning partner).

    7. Put on a piece of lingerie you haven’t worn since your honeymoon. Take a picture of your ass. Text it to him along with the message, “The kids are asleep. Come and get it.” When he gets home, tell him they just woke up and go take a bubble bath alone.

    Response: “Doh”…. So let’s be real. I’m a guy and I fall for this shit almost every time. Like Lucy, Charlie Brown and the football. You keep pulling it away and yet I keep falling for this or some version of this … I’m just a neanderthal after all. “Doh”

    8. Deposit your kids with the receptionist at his office. Pin his name to their shirts, wait until she’s on the phone, then whisper something about an emergency and run out.

    This one is truly evil …guys help me out here ’cause this one would be real problematic. the only thing I can think of is to call her on her cell phone: “Hey, babe, I realized you’ re right. I need to find myself… I told my boss that I can’t work for the man anymore… it’s just too hard to pretend I’m something that I’m not … I love you so much for making me realize that it’s time to restart my [insert musical, athletic, professional gambling, artistic, etc.] ambitions. “I’m going to take six months off to find myself and then start my new career. Thank you so much for being such a loving, caring, sensitive wife. I LOOOOOVE you!!!!

    9. Call him to say your car is broken down in the Baskin Robbins parking lot. Unplug the battery. Go inside and have some ice cream.

    Response: That’s why we got AAA. I loved you in advance.

    10. Tell your husband a friend suddenly got free tickets to the big game or a concert or a monster truck rally or a cock-fight that night and if he makes it to their house by 5:00 and not a minute later, one of them is his. Make sure that friend is out of town. When he gets there, he’ll assume he was too late and come home.

    RESPONSE: The only friends I know that are “home by 5:00” have a girlfriend. In either event, my friend is either still at work, or he is still at work. I don’t know what 1950’s town you live in (and God bless you if you’ve found it), but those of us in the rest of the working world have never heard of getting off at 5:00.

    If you use my tried and true methods for getting your husband (or whomever you’re waiting for while you take care of the critters all day) out of the office on time, I can’t guarantee he’ll be in a good mood when he gets home but, ya know, who cares? That’s your kids’ problem.

    Now it’s up to you. Since my husband’s getting wise to all my methods, I need some new tricks. Share your most creative ideas with me. Come on, SPILL!

  34. Eva Gallant says:

    Call and ask : “Is it baking powder or baking soda you use to put out a grease fire?” Then say “Whoops! Oh, no!” and hang up!

    1. ashersmom says:

      Very good one, Eva! I’m using this one tomorrow and I’ll be calling you up Tuesday for a new idea!

  35. And….it’s February. I’m a little behind. (Now you say, “You don’t look like a little behind.” Then I say, “Are you saying my bottom is fat?” Yep, I just made that up on the fly. Damn I’m tired.)
    I want to do everything you mentioned, especially dropping the kids at the office under the guise of emergency. I did act surprised about the information I found in a article once, about all the great benefits for children who participate in family dinner, and passed it along to my husband when our first was still a baby. I don’t think it had much impact.
    VERY funny Lady. Thank you!

  36. Rachel says:

    Very funny post, I may be able to use some of the suggestions when bf is on one of his weeks home. On his work weeks he’s usually begging to be home before his shift is half over.

  37. LA71 says:

    I’m currently breastfeeding, therefore eating like a monster, so I’ll make his favorite dinners, do an eat it all countdown of lateness (leaving enough so that he knows what he missed), and he’s left with sandwiches. Mmmm baloney.

  38. ashley says:

    What do you men do for work that is so hard? Laundry, vacuming, feeding (mostly the kid), cleaning toliets, dishes, cooking, baking, and a million other things. yes we appreciate the money but sometime a women needs a break. Which she gets when you get home. So after 10+ hours yes a little sanity comes out. I love your blog. I wish my husband would check his phone so i could try some of these.

  39. Really? says:

    If your husband is not already having an affair, following this list will likely drive him to have one…

    1. ashersmom says:

      It literally makes me LOL to know there are people who believe this is a serious post. Thank you!

  40. Allison says:

    This was pretty funny! The Baskin Robbins one and the Stabby parts were my favs! I am “supposedly” on a diet,but can never say no to ice cream!!!Although I must admit,I think I read it wrong to start off with.(I have a husband who HATES getting out of bed in the mornings).Please think about writing another column for the wives like me,who have to practically shove the hubs out of bed,haha! I would so love it =D

  41. Donya says:

    I just found your blog today and have already read through about half of it. I love your posts! It really is great to hear other moms being honest about how insane it is to be a SAHM! I also read all of the comments on this post and I think it’s hilarious that there are people taking this so seriously and think that they know someone else’s story!

    I don’t have any ideas to add since my (second) husband is more than happy to come home on time. My ex was a US Marine when our son was a baby-toddler and was never home; I gave up trying to find ways to get him home sooner because he didn’t WANT to be home.

    1. ashersmom says:

      Hi donya!
      Thanks for commenting. I know! It’s so hilarious that people take this seriously! I guess you can’t buy a sense of humor!

  42. Hannah says:

    The other day the kids started filling up water balloons. I sent my husband a text that said u might want to duck and cover when u get home the kids r filling up a 100 water balloons nailing daddy with one is bonus points all is fair in love and war…..My husband sent back a whiny text that he would have his phone in his pocket and didn’t want to get his work clothes wet. His loving wife sent back YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED and a picture of a water balloon with his name on it. It is good to give ur husband something to look forward to when he gets home from work.

  43. Dominique Dodds says:

    I LOVE THIS!

  44. Stephanie says:

    I call him and hand our three year old the phone. She knows when daddy is supposed to be home and cries when he’s late.

  45. Ann Parker says:

    I tell my husband that every day that he is late is a day that I will eat a pint of Ben & Jerrys in lieu of working out. At that rate, being late 3 days a week could mean 15-20 lbs in no time. Very effective. Be sure to toss lots of empty ice cream containers on top of the trash.

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