Yesterday my 1st grader didn’t have school and because he’s kicking butt this semester, I wanted to take him out for a special treat. We ended up seeing Big Hero 6. So great – best kid movie I’ve seen since Despicable Me. Except for the villain Yokai. I guarantee he’ll be responsible for me getting at least 20% less sleep over the next year (having nothing to do with the kids).
After the movie, we headed to the restroom. Asher is 7 now and getting really cranky about having to go into the women’s restroom with me. I generally tell him to suck it up. But this time, I opened the bathroom door and a girl about his age was standing right there with her mother.
“NO WAY am I going in the girls’ restroom!” he yelled, probably more for her to hear than me. “I’m a BOY!”
So I did what I usually do in a little boy in the men’s room situation – which is allow him to use the men’s communal restroom while I stand sentry at the door. He knows to yell loudly if someone messes with him and if I make sure which number he’s doing (#1 or #2), I can ask someone to check on him if it takes too long — or just barge in myself. And don’t think I wouldn’t.
There are certain places where this doesn’t make me nervous – places where creepers are a little less likely to hang out. But then there are places where my 7yo alone in a men’s bathroom makes me very nervous. Those places include movie theaters, fast food bathrooms and parks. And a highway rest-stop? Standing at the door yelling at him, even when he’s 19.
At the risk of sounding just like a 7 year-old, “NO WAY is he going in there alone!”
And because this issue has occurred to me occasionally for more than a year, I posted the above status update to ask other moms what they do in this situation.
Better safe than sorry. Either stand guard outside the men’s bathroom or take the time to find a family restroom (depending upon your state of emergency, of course).
Case in point. I personally know someone who was almost kidnapped in a fast food restroom when she was a little girl. A man was in the ladies’ bathroom dressed as a woman, grabbed her and tried to make off with her. Luckily, the employee stockroom was right next to the restroom, someone heard her screams and saved her. Thank God.
One of the commenters on my status update said this: “Not every public men’s bathroom in America has a resident, lurking, lecherous pervert hiding in it, just waiting for your kid.”
To which I reply: it doesn’t take a pervert in every public men’s bathroom. It only takes one.
It’s not a perfect solution but it’ll give him a little independence and me a little bit more comfort. But I’m still standing right outside that bathroom door until he comes out, probably doing the peepee dance myself. Because just like everything else, we always put our children’s bladders before our own.
I welcome your thoughts even if they’re different from mine. I enjoy an open discussion. Just be respectful, like your mama taught you.
I’m with you. Helicopter away.
This has been an ongoing issue for parents for years. Your idea of a whistle is brilliant! Kudos to you!
The world is just a different place now. It doesn’t make you a helicopter parent, it makes you aware of what dangers are out there, and making sure they don’t happen to your kids. I’ll do that for my daughter until she is old enough to do it for her own kids. And then I’ll still probably do it.
When I’m with my son, even when he’s 25, I’ll probably still tell him to “be safe on the road” and “watch out for the other guy.” You never stop being a mom just because your kids are grown up, right?
TOTALLY doesn’t make you a helicopter parent. It’s not like you’re going in there and wiping him and zipping up his drawers. The whistle idea is absolutely fantastic as an alternative to having him go in there with you or having him go into the ladies room. You are 100% right, it only takes one sick bastard. Good job, Mom!!!
Thanks Teri. I expect criticism – there’s always someone who either disagrees with whatever I’m saying or perhaps is just the kind of person who automatically takes the opposite stance because they like to argue. My husband is a lawyer, so I’m used to this kind of thing. 😉
XOXO Boo!
Technically the world is a safer place now than it was many years ago. The distinction is with the proliferation of news and a 24 hour media cycle we hear and see everything, including more than a few things that may not be real or have been exaggerated.
We also see examples of junior high and high school boys being molested by their female teachers but by and large these things are the exception.
Jack, I do agree that the world is probably no less safe than it was when I was growing up and that it’s the proliferation of easily accessible media that’s made it seem like it is. However, it doesn’t change the fact that there are too many sickos in the world to send a young child into a men’s bathroom alone, at least in places where predators are more likely to hang out. For me, the rule is better safe than sorry. Thanks for commenting!
I agree 1000%!!! It does not make you a “helicopter” Mom! It makes you a normal Loving Caring Mom who actually pays attention to what happens to her child!!!
My youngest daughter read me the article tonight about these parents who want to SUE THE LAUNDRY SOAP COMPANY BECAUSE THEIR KID ATE THE LAUNDRY SOAP AND GOT SICK!
REALLY?!!! ARE THEY SERIOUSLY THAT IRRESPONSIBLE AND WANT TO BLAME THE SOAP COMPANY?!!!! SERIOUSLY?!!! I have a sneaky feeling those parents who are sueing a laundry soap company because THEIR KID ate the laundry soap product, might be one of those people accusing You of being a “helicopter” parent. What do you think?! Maybe? If so, maybe they should try a little bit of “helicoptering” themselves!
Yeah, that seems a bit crazy. If my kid ate the soap, I’d blame myself or probably just him because boys do stupid things!
It’s a difficult situation. Your son is at an age where it’s getting awkward for him to go in the women’s room and you being a woman cannot enter the men’s room. I have a five year old daughter and she’s at the age now where it’s awkward for me to take her into the men’s room and the same thing in reverse ( I definitely can’t go into the women’s). Up until a year ago or so it was fine, but she’s becoming more aware of things.now.
There are “family/unisex” restrooms more and more places now for this kind of thing but still these aren’t always available or unoccupied.
Let me just say, this was a concern for me when my kids were little, as well as when they started going to camps, etc. The first time I sent my twin sons on a week long camp, I almost had a nervous breakdown, worrying about them and the ‘what if’s.’ As a child, I was sexually abused by two men, both of whom I knew…and uncle and a family friend. While I never experienced any abuse in a public bathroom, you can be sure it makes me incredibly nervous when I have my grandson with me and he needs to use the bathroom. He is four, but is already saying, ‘I want to go to the men’s room.’ It’ll be a hard sell for him to convince me to let him go to the restroom alone, at least anytime soon. We belong to a private pool where my daughter and her family also have a membership. His parents have let him go to the restroom at the pool alone on several occasions when we’ve been there, and I have to say, it’s made me a nervous wreck. Helicopter Grandmother or not, I just don’t want my grandson or granddaughter to ever experience what I did as a child. Trust me, it’s not the ‘riff-raff’ you necessarily need to worry about. My uncle was a Marine and later a police officer and the other man was eventually the mayor of a small town.
This is horrible to hear and I hope you’ve had a chance to get some counseling or something along the way, you poor thing! I also hope there was some sort of justice for you. I agree with you that it’s better to be safe than sorry with the little ones.
I love your whistle idea! Finally a good use for some of those annoying noise makers they’ve picked up at birthday parties…. Going to put some in my purse when my gets older.
Exactly. Goody bag items finally put to good use!
I think some people confuse helicopter parenting with reasonable protection, and some people use the term negatively to assuage their own guild about some things they let their kids get involved in . Helicopter parenting is when you don’t let your kids try and fail at something. Helicopter parenting is when you try to get your kid out of consequences they deserve because you ‘just know’ they won’t do it again. Helicopter parenting is when you don’t let a kid climb the monkey bars when they’re 9 because you don’t want them to fall and break their arm. Helicopter parenting is NOT protecting your children from serious threats that could change their lives forever. My husband is cop. He’s very much a ‘let the kid try’ type of parent. He keeps me from helicopter parenting. When I asked him what age our son should be safe going to a public restroom alone, he said, “18”. 🙂 That said, our son is now 9 and there are times I totally get that he doesn’t want to , and sometimes just shouldn’t, go into the ladies room. In those cases I do what you do. I stand right there by the door. Not only does he know to fight and scream, but any man that walks in while I’m standing there knows exactly who I am. I am the mom of boy who’s in there, and I’m ready for trouble. It’s best not to set me off.
I feel very validated by hearing your cop husband say not to let them go into the bathroom alone until they’re 18. I mean, I know he’s kidding about waiting until 18, but it tells me that I’m not silly for worrying about him going in alone when he’s 7. I’m like you – if I let him go in alone, I’m standing right outside the door glaring at every man that goes in!
I remember being about that age and going to a Major League Baseball game with just my dad and brothers, and my dad made me go to the men’s restroom with them. No way was he even letting me go to the WOMEN’s restroom alone in that environment! So I’m with you…it only takes one. Helicopter away.
I don’t have your perspective and I certainly don’t know what is right or wrong. Mathematically, the risks are very low. On the other hand they’re not zero. You have to balance the need to trust your child to know what’s right/wrong with respect to the actions of others, you have to let your child grow up (no more women’s restrooms, if you can help it) and you have to use your judgement in every particular case.
As a grandfather-aged man I have been asked by moms if I’d keep an eye on their kid in the mens’ room. Let me tell you that I do it, but it makes me very uncomfortable. What if the kid comes out and says I did something wrong, looked or stared at him, or just plain decided to cause trouble. Again, risk is low but not zero.
Let me tell you a story. a year ago I was at an airport and had just cleared security. There’s a bookstore just across the hall and I went in to look at the best-sellers. I noticed a mom and her 2 kids (8-10 year old girl, and a toddler). She was putting shoes back on the little one when her daughter ran into the bookstore and was standing behind a table, out of her sight. She was seconds from panic mode. My first instinct was to pick up the girl and bring her back to mom, but if the child started screaming, I might still be in jail. Isn’t it sad that I had to first worry about my own risk and put it ahead of the child.
I wish I knew how to solve this. (what I did was ask another shopper — a woman — to go tell the mom where her daughter was).
Smart move, Steve. Nice looking out!
Great idea to use the whistle, thank you for sharing! Question: what do you do when you are alone with him and you have to use the restroom and he doesn’t want to go in with you? Does he wait outside of the restroom with the whistle?
You know, he’s 8 now and something has changed in him and in my confidence in him. I do let him go in restrooms (not all but most) by himself now but he knows to make a huge fuss if someone even tries to talk to him. But when my younger one gets to that stage, I’ll give him the whistles – and I’ll drag him into the bathroom with me whether he wants to go or not until he’s about 7 and then I’ll probably let him wait by the door with the whistle (depending on where we are).
I absolutely agree…better safe than sorry. I think many moms are naive to the evil that exists in this world. After having a few incidents myself with perverted men (at ages 11, 13, 24 & 30), I’m no longer naive. On a side note, I kind of think it’s not wise to post pictures of children with their pants down while sitting on the toilet. Some things are meant to be private.
I do the same thing with my sons. I wait outside the door and make them go in together and come out together (safety in numbers and all). But where I get stuck is now I have to use the restroom and the boys are out of the men’s room and insistent that they are not going in the ladies room, so what is a mom to do? Leave the kids unattended outside the ladies room. Not! Their bladders are empty and mine is still screaming!!! I’ve ended up speeding home on more than one occassion just so I can use the restroom while knowing my kids are safe inside the house.