Mumbling Through Marriage

husband mumbles“Is zis a mas freezer man?” Gabe says to me as he passes through the room while I’m watching Saturday Night Live.

I hit pause on the remote.  Close my eyes and shake my head.   “A mas freezer man?” I say incredulously.

Slowing down and enunciating, he repeats.  “Is this the most recent one?”

I have an eerie mind-reading ability with my husband after 10 years together.  It’s not uncommon for him to inhale in anticipation of asking me something and for me to answer him before a sound escapes his mouth.  Or for him to make an extremely vague statement like, “You’ll never guess who I heard from today,” and for me to, without hesitation, name the person even though it’s someone we haven’t spoken of for at least 2 years.

I don’t know how I do this, I just do.  I know what he’s thinking, sometimes before he does.

Considering this uncanny ability, I’m proposing that from now on out, we communicate only through extrasensory perception because quite frankly,  I understand him much better when he doesn’t speak.

Gabe is a mumbler.  If there was an international contest for mumbling, the organizers would just mail Gabe his medal each year, the competition having given up all hopes of taking the crown in 1996.

He’s a smart, smart man — scary smart.  And you wouldn’t need me to tell you that if you could ever understand what he’s saying.

Yesterday, he came into the kitchen and yelled “Skank Nah?” in my general direction as I loaded the dishwasher.  I slowly turned my head towards him and with raised eyebrows said, “Did you just call me a skank?”

“No, I asked you if you knew where the tape gun was.”

Oh of course.  Those things sound exactly alike.

So in the future, instead of having to try and figure out what something like, “It’s asbestos weekend” means, I plan to look at him and say, “Sorry we’re missing it” as soon as he enters the room.  It may go against good, sound marital advice but in our case, a lack of communication will just be what keeps us together.

On the other hand, I’d miss the entertainment.  A few months ago, I started writing down some of his mumblings, because quite frankly, they can always be counted on for comic relief.  I can be sitting impatiently in a doctor’s waiting room, pop open the note on my iPhone with the list and just start shaking from laughter.

I may be the only one who thinks this is funny.  You tell me.

funny sayings, mumbling

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  1. It’s not just you. My husband whispers when he’s mad at me. Tres passive agressive. “Can you get the dishes out?” “…” “CAN YOU GET THE DISHES OUT?” “I *said* yes.”

  2. My hubby totally mumbles AND does the whispering thing that Jean mentioned. Both make me stabby!-Ashley
    thedoseofreality recently posted…Yes, Your Kid Can Actually Live Without Peanut ButterMy Profile

  3. Love this! I’m a court reporter married to a mumbling lawyer. Insanity is calling — I mean, mumbling my name.

  4. Rest assured, it’s hilarious!
    Shay recently posted…Conversation with the HubsMy Profile

  5. I am jealous. I mumble too, and my husband has not a clue. Come to think of it, sometimes he has not a clue when i am speaking to him like he’s 3. I just wrote that, didn’t I?

  6. This is hilarious. In our house my husband and I say daily “I’ll tell you in ten years.” Because we can never hear each other speak over the sound of the kids.

  7. My ex-girlfriend knick-named me “Mumblef**k”. Then started threatening me with kitchen knives (coincidence?). That relationship quickly resolved itself. I’ve since made it a point to try to speak clearly, which usually comes across as engaging and sincere as a National Weather Service automated alert., but is works I suppose…

    Fortunately, we also have 17 years of mind-reading experience, so verbal interaction is usually limited, one-way and presented in multiple choice format. I pick number 2.

  8. Ok, this was HILARIOUS. All the ridiculous things you hear remind me of that youtube video…the bad lip syncing, the football one..have you seen it? I have watched it probably ten times, but I still laugh hysterically every time.

  9. These are HILARIOUS!
    Pirate wife…

    I also mind-read (and make missing things magically appear, according to my husband), but I’m also guilty of being the unintelligible mumbler.
    Kylie recently posted…Top Ten Ways Dining Out with a Toddler is Like a Bad DateMy Profile

  10. Babe, I cannot stop laughing. Real, tear-producing laughter. Sharing this with THE WORLD.
    Nicole Shaw recently posted…Mommy Needs a Martini and The Very Hungry CaterpillarMy Profile

  11. Catholic cookie! love it.
    The Shitastrophy recently posted…Jesus is Just Hanging in the HoodMy Profile

  12. My hubs and I went to a going away party for a male couple moving out of the country. I rallied through with an awful head cold/ear infection, so I couldn’t hear well, plus there was music. We were one of the two straight couples at the party, which is why this still cracks me up…..dh leans in about half way through the night and whispers “How’s your cock?” I nearly fell off my high heels I was laughing so hard. What he really wanted to know was, ‘hows your cough’.

    • If anyone overheard that, I assume they thought you guys had some weird transvestite thing going on. Hey, what people do behind their own doors is their business, right???

  13. My favorite kind of post–the kind where I’m nodding in agreement and then break out in a laugh that cannot be suppressed. I have a soft-talking mumbler. We’ve been together for 21 years. I’m no better at deciphering Hubbinator speak than I was 2 decades ago. Sigh.
    Jen (Real Life Parenting) recently posted…You Might Be an Asshat If You Never Tell Your Kid to Hurry UpMy Profile

  14. What I heard:
    We’ll move the van when you get there.

    What he said:
    We’re going to do it another day.

  15. That is hilarious (and brilliant) that you wrote the mumbles down! My friends have started writing down what I say, wait, am I the mumbler in this scenario?

    Gotta go make some phone calls…!

  16. My husband mumbles too and speaks facing in the other direction. So irritating.
    At least what yours says is funny :)
    Molley@A Mother Life recently posted…Fly Away …Be Free, Sid FishiousMy Profile

  17. Oh my, I was laughing so hard the dog got off the bed. I have to admit I’m the mumbler in the relationship and saw this unique situation with new eyes. Love this post and will be back.
    Sylvia recently posted…How NOT to Make a PinwheelMy Profile

    • I’m so happy you wrote this down for me so I didn’t have to try and understand you while you mumbled it! I have enough challenges in my life. ; )

  18. After 2 months of marriage, we’re still working on the intuition thing. But that’s exactly how my husband talks!!! Sometimes it takes 3-4 repetitions to finally figure out what he’s actually saying.

    PS. We live in EAV. Great to see the Beer Fest in the pic!

    • Big ups to the EAV! You’ll get there on the intuition, trust me – and you may not always like what you “hear” him say. But the mumbling? it just goes on and on and on. I still can’t understand 90% of what my hubs says. Write it down though. It’ll entertain you when you’re bored.

  19. You are so cool! I don’t think I’ve truly read through anything like that
    before. So wonderful to find another person with some original thoughts on this subject matter.
    Seriously.. thank you for starting this up.
    This site is one thing that’s needed on the internet, someone with some originality!
    news 12 weather recently posted…news 12 weatherMy Profile

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