It’s time for another What He Said, by Mike. And this time he’s peeved, by just about everything you’re also pissed off about and some other random things. Read on for Mike’s list of people he’s prejudiced against.
1. And the Oscar goes to…people who have loud conversations with their children in stores. These are the people that sound like they’re putting on a play for everyone in the store. You’ve heard them – “Johnny, do you like apples? I know you do. Did you know if Johnny Appleseed hadn’t walked through the countryside and scattered apple seeds everywhere…”. You get the picture. This conversation is done for the benefit of everyone around them and so loud that I can hear you three aisles over. Not every life activity needs to be a lesson for your kid and not everyone needs to hear your “lesson” or how good of a parent you are.
2. Unsolicited Advice Givers - Anyone that starts a sentence with “If I were you, I’d …” is guaranteed a 100% chance that I will NOT be doing what you would have done. You are not me and I didn’t ask or need your advice. I’m just telling you a story. I don’t wanna to hear how my f’ed up situation would’ve been altered to a magical life changing moment if I would have done what you thought should have been done.
4. Healthy People – I see you watching me enjoy my 6000 calorie deep-fried sugar-coated french fry-infused sub sandwich with that disgusted look on your face. Guess what? Keep your trap shut. First, don’t tell me how bad it is for me and second, don’t make comments like “Man, I wish I could be like you and just eat something without worrying about what it does to my body.” I like bad food and I like to eat bad food. Guess what? I know it’s bad for me, but life is short so I’m gonna enjoy it!
5. Hello, McFly? – Drivers who check their phones at stop lights. I’m not even talking about texting and driving. I”m talking about the the “I’m so absorbed in Facebook, I don’t have a clue that the light has changed to green, oh, the light is green, and finally now, I realize I must go as people are honking at me, so I streak down the turn lane like Mario Andretti qualifying for an Indy race, whip it through the intersection as the light turns red, leaving all the people that were behind me waiting for the next green light” person. Dick.
6. Chuck Norris Lite - this is the person that tells you a story about an altercation with a friend, then adds how they told their friend “Quit being a jerk! Everyone hates the way you talk to people! You are such a dick!” Prompting you to then ask, “You really said that to him?!” and they come back and say “No. But I was thinking it!” You don’t get credit for being a bad ass if your bad ass response never sees the light of day.
7. May I have your attention, please? – People who want to have one-on-one conversations with me at a group table during a group conversation – one of the biggest whips there is. Always happens when you’re at a round table full of fun and entertaining people. The dweeb next to you picks the second after someone at the tables shouts, “Listen to Tommy’s story about the albino hooker he met in Mexico City!” and begins to tell you about the boil his mom had removed from her armpit. As you struggle to pay attention to his story, people around you are rolling in their chairs with laughter, banging the table, with tears running down their cheeks.
8. Rules? We don’t need no stinkin’ rules – Yes, dumb ass, you obviously do! Amazes me how some people go through life thinking rules don’t apply to them. You see that long line of people? Guess what ? We’re waiting on something. Guess what again? We’re waiting on the same damn thing you are, so park your ass at the end of the line and wait like everyone else. This also applies to people disembarking off a plane, people who don’t wipe off exercise equipment, and people who butt in line at a bar to order up their 18 ingredient foo foo drink. Be courteous – it takes two seconds to ask the dude next to you if he’s waiting in line – who knows, it might even be the golden ticket to get your sinful ass into the pearly gates.
9. “Hey, did you get what I just sent you?” – Really?! I just received your email, was opening it to read, and 5 seconds later you’re in my office asking if I got it? No need to interrupt what I’m doing to now read your crappy email which I usually have no interest in anyway. Makes me want to build Rambo-like booby traps around my office.
10. Hammertime! - People who have choreographed wedding dances. The first one was cool. The 978th one is just a plain ole’ ass whip. Just play some sweet tunes, eat some good food, drink a lot, and dance. It’s a simple recipe for a good time. Don’t trick up your wedding to force a memory. I can promise you 2 weeks after your wedding, no one will be talking about how cool your “wedding dance” was. They’ll be discussing how funny it was that drunk Uncle Larry’s pants fell off while he danced the Cupid Shuffle. Now that’s the memory that keeps on giving.
Read more of What He Said, by Mike. You know you just can’t get enough!