A few days ago I was “doing research” on Pinterest and almost drowned in a red sea of hearts and flowers. Seeing the plethora of Valentine’s related pins made me start wondering — does this day of love obsession belong to the women only or are the men into it too? My first thought was to ask my husband but he’s way too smart to tell me stuff I don’t wanna hear (and almost impossible to understand anyway) — so naturally I turned to Mike, knowing he’ll always tell me the truth, even if it hurts.
Toulouse: What Valentine’s day gift do you think women want more than anything else?
Mike: Cleaning the entire house for them (vacuum, mop, clean toilets, etc.). I would even add the bonus of going without clothing for my precious princess. I imagine she would leave the house to go find a girls’ happy hour somewhere at that point.
Toulouse: What’s a lady’s ideal place to celebrate Valentine’s day?
Mike: A hotel suite – with room service, a maid, no kids, no husband, no questions, no noise. In your 20s, V-day is about love. In your 30s and beyond you just want to be by yourself. My wife has taught me much.
Toulouse: If she could pick any meal for you to cook for her on Valentine’s day, what do you think it would be?
Mike: Wine
Toulouse: What’s more important to bring your woman on Valentine’s day: flowers, chocolates or lingerie?
Mike: Flowers? They die too quickly. Chocolates? You know they will make her fat. Lingerie? Nothing like buying a sexy see thru outfit which the only time we will ever see it is when the 4-year-old goes in her dresser and comes out pretending to be Mommy while wearing it in front of all your friends. Please – this was a trick question and the real answer is jewelry … and not the cheap stuff you get at a mall kiosk.
Toulouse: Do you think you should get a Valentine’s day gift from her or are the gifts just for the women?
Mike: I recognize that this holiday is really for the ladies so all the gifts should go to them. Don’t give me a gift. If I got a gift, I would most likely drop dead of shock.
Toulouse: What would you do if you didn’t realize it was Valentine’s Day until you were on your way home from work?
Mike: Swing by the grocery store and pick up a cheap bouquet of flowers and a couple bottles of wine. Walk in the house and without a word, drop the flowers and wine on the kitchen table, give my princess a kiss, grab the munchkins and head to McDonalds, or a movie with them for a few hours. Peace and quiet trump anything I could buy and bring home. Plus, you get the bonus of coming home to a sauced wife who just might have found the unused lingerie you gave her 10 Valentine’s Days ago …
Toulouse: What gift do you think a woman would like more on Valentine’s Day and why: edible sexual chocolate, coupons for free sexual favors, or a rabbit vibrator?
Mike: Like I have said before, in this age of dieting and eating healthy, any chocolate “penis’ you give your wife will end up in the trash only for you to see it ½ hour later being gnawed on by your dog when he digs it out of the trash. Coupons for sexual favors are stupid and besides they never see the light of day. Try presenting a “free romp in the hay” coupon to your lady after she has yelled at your Satanic spawns for the 35th time one Saturday morning. Let’s go rabbit vibrator – the gift that keeps on giving, and giving, and giving …
Toulouse: You’re dressed up in an “outfit” that your wife thinks is the sexiest you ever look. What are you wearing?
Mike: A suit. If I cut off each of my fingers, I could count the number of times I have walked into the bathroom naked and received a “Damn, bring that hot bod over here, sailor!” Unless you look like David Beckham, clothing is the best choice, and if you do look like David Beckham, you wouldn’t be with any of the chicks I know and (before you get mad), that’s a good thing because the chicks I know are real people not dumb ass plastic Spice Girl cast offs.
Toulouse: If you could communicate with your woman using nothing but candy hearts, what message would you send?
Mike: Simple, just one word – THANKS. Thanks for selecting my sorry ass to spend your life with, thanks for laughing at my stupid jokes, thanks for always being honest with me, thanks for all that you do for me and the kids.
Can you hear that collective “Awwwwww,” Mike? You might come off a little on the grumpy side, but now we know the truth. You actually know what women want! Happy Valentine’s Day to you. Your chocolate penis is in the mail.
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lindo
Aww. My hubby and I don’t really do Valentine’s Day. Sounds corny, but we prefer just to go out and spoil each other when the moment sweeps us away, rather than being dictated to by a holiday. I do love the atmosphere of the day though:-)
Rebecca – I agree with you. It shouldn’t take a day on the calendar to show your spouse that you love them. I swear this day was invented by women who needed affirmation (by showing flowers, chcolates, etc. that they received) from other chicks that the person they selected is a “great pick” …