I love that in this post Mike was inspired solely by things that encourage laziness. The original title of this piece was just something like “People Who Should Be Drinking Free For The Rest of Their Lives Because They Invented These Things,” which in and of itself is pretty hilarious. But then I noticed that everything on the list had to do with his love for laziness so I changed it up a bit. May I present to you:
and remember that all my extraneous comments about his laziness are in blue.
What He Said, by Mike.
There are things on this Earth that suck and then there are people on this Earth that come up with ways to remove that suckiness. These angels from heaven don’t get near the credit they deserve for the awesomeness (laziness) they generate for us. We should have days and parades in their honor. At the very least these are, “People Who Should Be Drinking Free For The Rest Of Their Lives.” Here are a few of these “inventors” of life altering (lazy-making) bliss …
Seat Heaters in your car – If you don’t have these, then your ass (literally) is missing out. Make sure they are on your next car, especially if you have leather seats. Nothing makes me feel like an extra in the movie the Revenant (good movie, by the way) than sitting in the front leather seat of a car that has been “basking” in the frigid cold all night – guaranteed to hide my manhood for a few hours. The warmth generated by your seat heater is womb level comfort and I promise I am not overselling this. And it would really suck if I had to figure out a way to warm up my own ass.
The remote – can you imagine what having a TV would be like without a remote? I can because I lived it. It was hell! You sat down in your comfortable chair and watched the magical box that was spitting out these beautiful and mesmerizing moving pictures. Let’s see some more amazing pictures, you say. So you had to get your ass up, walk over to the magic box, change the channel, then sit back down and get comfy. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. Every time you wanted to see something different, you had to get your lazy ass out of your chair. This process was a complete ass whipping – then someone invented the <cue the angels from heaven music> …. The remote control. Now you can change the channels without leaving the comfort of your warm chair and Snuggie. My sweet butler of the TV – Where have you been all my life? Of course, now I show my true laziness when the remote is dead for I must squeeze the buttons hard enough to create diamonds rather than get my slothful ass up to get a fresh pair of batteries. I wonder if he shakes them too. That’s my lazy trick when my remote batteries are running low.
UGG slippers – is there a better feeling thing on this planet then sliding your tired dogs into a pair of UGG slippers? It’s like … well, I’m a dude so you can imagine what I think it feels like. Heaven on your feet, people! And the great laziness of these thing is … you can wear them in the house, you can wear them out of the house. You literally never have to change your shoes.
Indoor toilets – can you imagine having to go outside to poop when it is 10 degrees outside? Can you even imagine just having to leave the comfort of your own home and walk 20 yards to a little house to poop? Damn, I would hold a dump for 6 months before subjecting myself to that hell. Yeah, I bet people were skeptics of the idea of pooping in your house for the first 10 minutes then after that it was like “get me the paper and shut the door” time. Thank you, indoor poop hole inventor.
The coaster – The look you get when you set a glass on a table (a piece of furniture invented to hold … wait for it …. yes, a glass !!) is from a dark and evil place. It’s like the bottom of your glass is laced with acid. Yeah, I know it is an odd one, but can you imagine the ass whipping us dudes would take if some dude hadn’t said “Enough of this bitchin’ already !!!” and invented the coaster. He carried his brothers to a higher level. Also, it saves you from having to clean up the wet mess your glass leaves or from having to find some kind of stain to fix the ring you left on the coffee table.
Dogs – seriously, what animal on this Earth gives more of a shit about you than your dog? Don’t say your spouse or your kids. They don’t even come close. A dog is the true definition of unconditional love. Example – you can scream crazy shit at your dog and 5 minutes later he is coming back to you for even more love – not to give you attitude and the last word. Try that with your wife. Plus, a dog just sits there and listens to you bitch about your day or the a-holes you encountered during the day and doesn’t judge, ever. He just sits there, listening and wagging his tail. All he asks for in return is some food and a place to poop. And best of all, your dog can be trained to bring you the morning paper, perform tricks on demand to delight your friends so you don’t have to and even fetch you a beer. Dogs: a lazy man’s best friend.
Sadie Hawkins dance – the ultimate “Level the playing surface” event. Let’s see how you ladies feel about getting up the courage to ask someone out. Trying to figure out what dude to ask out ?? How’s that for some high stress? How does that feel? Not fun – is it ?!?!? <insert my evil laugh here> Well, it isn’t totally level. You are chicks, you have all the power. You can pretty much get any dude you want with your lady wares. We are dudes – we are usually just happy that someone wants us enough to even ask us out. But, you still have to ask us … this time. Okay, I hardly have to insert my comments about laziness here. Sadie Hawkins traditions clearly allow the man to be the lazy one, the one who sits back, watches and waits, the one who doesn’t do the work but does the choosing. But you know what, it’s become a different world anyway. From what I hear, girls do the asking a LOT more than they used to. You might enjoy being a young single “feller” right now, Mike.
The breath mint – what a blessing this was to mankind ! Can you imagine if this wasn’t invented ?? Yeah, then everybody’s breath would smell like holy hell – not just some of the people (usually the close talkers). The mouth is basically an asshole with teeth. At least there are a few layers of fabric between a real asshole and the roaming public. The mouth is just a naked, bare hole exposed to the world, spewing food, spit, noxious fumes, and ignorant comments. A mint masks all the nastiness the mouth creates. It’s like a Sensi for your mouth. Hmm, maybe we also need an asshole mint. Hmmmmmm … might have just found my million dollar idea, baby !! And it saves you from getting off your ass and going to the bathroom to BRUSH YOUR TEETH. And maybe floss a bit too. Mint up, lazy ass.
Email – One of the best creations in the history of mankind. Your kids will never know the asswhipping of having to physically write a letter (or like 25 thank you notes for crap they got). It was a true torture – get paper, an envelope, a damn stamp, then start writing your thoughts like you were some kind of Hemmingway. Just learning how to write a letter was like a 6 month training session when I was in elementary school. Every letter had to have proper structure and make sense and blah, blah, blah. Ever notice how little junk mail we got back then compared to email spam. Even junk mail dicks back then thought it was a pain in the ass to “write” junk mail. Hell, the teachers even taught us cursive so now not only could people see how poorly I conveyed thoughts but also how shitty my penmanship was. But then came email, and the worm turned, kiddos. Short and sweet now trumped how you visually conveyed your thoughts. Penmanship ?!?! Who cares ?!?! Everybody’s “writing” looked the same now. And you have the added bonus of blaming an email server when you forgot to reply to someone’s email (My spam filter must have caught your email, sorry !). Sure you have to hear from a couple hundred Nigerian princes every month wanting to park a couple million in your checking account until they pass customs, but that is a small price to pay for never having to physically pen another letter. (That comment in parentheses does my job for me so I’m out).
So it’s easy to see that Mike loves things that encourage laziness. The next thing you know he’s gonna be out there searching for one of those belts ladies in the 50s thought would make them lose weight. Remember the ones that went around their hips and then just jiggled everything about for a while while they stood there eating a jello mold?
Gotta love Mike. I know I do.
So tell us, what are you favorite lazy person inventions?
Here’s mine: see that subscribe button down there below? Drop your email in there and every time a new post is written (just 1-2 per week), you’ll automatically get it in your inbox. You won’t even have to check back in here. Just sit on your ass and wait. If that’s not an awesome lazy person’s invention, I don’t know what is.
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