The Top 10 Ways To Tell If You’re Being Catfished.


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I have so much time on my hands as a SAHM with 2 little kids.  I’m always lying about on my chaise lounge, flipping channels on the idiot-box while my full-time Eunuch feeds me juicy green grapes and fans me with a banana leaf.

If you don’t know I’m being facetious right now, you are not nor have you ever been a SAHM.

top 10 ways to tell if you're being catfished (MTV) - Toulouse & TonicThat being said, I do occasionally, after the kids go to bed, just have to turn off everything else, turn on the TV and zone.

When I do that, I tend to make really highbrow choices.

Like Downton Abbey.

downton-abbey-logo-495x125If you don’t watch Downton Abbey, you’re probably not as sophisticated as me.

I’m totally joking.  I listen to people talk incessantly about how wonderful Downton Abbey is  but I just can’t get past the title.  Give me RuPaul’s Drag Race any day.

One of the shows I’ve been watching is MTV’s “Catfish.”

I saw the movie and found it fascinating but then sort of forgot about it.  The fact that this reasonably smart, cute, seemingly sane guy got sucked into such a crazy internet ruse seemed like a total anomaly.

Turns out, it’s not. This shit just might be the new national pastime.

How big of a hole do you have in your life to create a fake facebook profile (or a bunch of fake profiles), stealing someone’s old photos from myspace or even their entire identity and then pretend to be that person for YEARS?  Can you imagine how much of a time stuck that is?  I can’t even keep all the things that are TRUE in my life straight.  Imagine having a stack of lies as big as the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

I’m just so confused by the complications some of these people interject into the situation.

I watched an episode of “Catfish” in which a WOMEN pretended to be a TRANSGENDERED MAN looking for another MAN to have a relationship with.  This is the very definition of going all the way around your ass to get to your asshole.

Platoo1Isn’t it hard enough just to be a real person of some sexual orientation looking for another real person of the preferred sexual orientation?  Without “injecting” an extra penis into the mix?  What was she hoping to catch when she dropped that line into the pond?

“Hmmm.  I think I’ll do some fishing.  I’m gonna try and catch a mutant catfish that will attach itself to me with permanent suction cups and inject its oily venom into me if I don’t feed it a sack of penises every single day for the rest of my life.”

And don’t get me started on the poor, misguided people who fall for this shit.

In fact, just completely as a public service to them, I’m gonna lay out for you right now The Top 10 Ways To Tell If You’re Being Catfished.

1.  You have never heard your online pal’s voice because she does not own a cell phone nor have a land-line nor any access to either.  Maybe if you send her some money, she can get one.

2.  He is a fashion or fitness model and is frequently unavailable to you because he’s traveling internationally.

800px-Male_Model_John_Quinlan_In_Calvin_Klein3.  The camera on her computer is broken so you can’t video chat.  The camera on her cell phone doesn’t work either.  She has no friend nor acquaintance with video capability.  In fact, video features have been malfunctioning in Milan, Paris and New York for the entire year you’ve been in daily communication.

4.  He suddenly has to go underground because he’s hiding from drug lords or gangsters.

5.  When your internet girlfriend Whoopi Goldberg calls you to chat, the area code indicates she’s from Podunk, Mississippi and she sounds like a teenage white girl.

Whoopi_Goldberg_at_a_NYC_No_on_Proposition_8_Rally6.  He’s a cardiologist, has won the Tour de France 3 times and his best friend is Chelsea Handler.  Sometimes he holds the cue cards for her during her TV show just for fun.

7.  She plans to meet you in person but suddenly has a family crisis or a business emergency in London and has to cancel.  You’re either in a relationship with Kim Kardashian or you’re being catfished.

8.  Every time you question your incredibly handsome, perpetually shirtless, muscle-bound but unlucky boyfriend, he gets carjacked and then run over by the car or is struck down with leukemia, Yellow Fever, scurvy or Lou Gehrig’s disease and just needs your support.

450px-Male_model_D_039.  You have to keep the relationship a secret because she is a Peruvian Princess/famous actress/alien from Mars and no one would understand her deeply intimate relationship with someone so different from her.

10.  You have one and only one facebook friend in common with your internet boyfriend.  Take a REALLY close look at that “friend.”

If you’re prone to online relationships and have a low bullshit meter, please print this list out and tape it to the wall right next to your computer.  And keep in mind – if you think you’re being catfished, you probably are.

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Comments

  1. Ha! I love that show. I think the last one I watched, the persona had been in a relationship with their “catfish” for somewhere around eight years. Eight years??? You think you’ve seen it all…

    • ashersmom says:

      There’s seriously something wrong with a person who is in a romantic relationship with someone for 8 years that they’ve never met. Unless the other person is in prison, of course. Now that makes total sense.

  2. Who has that kind of time that they can create a whole persona, pics and all, hook a live one, and keep stringing them along (said the person who started a facebook page for her cat one day out of boredom)?

  3. The only bit of this I understood is the Downton Abbey reference. And while I rarely mind the things that keep people acting sane and keeping the show on the road, that programme is just stupid. It doesn’t even have the saving grace of Quidditch. Still I suppose it was the logical result of all the reality TV we’ve been dosed with for the past 10 years. Just remember at the pace they are going we can expect a few more years to get them up to date.
    Can you answer the logic behind the tattoo of the sunburst round that blokes bellybutton. I can sorta see a point were it in the middle of his forehead. The light of humans and all that jazz. The only light in the belly would be from a good feed of Brussels-sprouts.
    I expect we’ll get the other show soon enough, we always do, worse luck.

    • ashersmom says:

      Google Manti T’eo. He’s a football player (no, not soccer — real football) who had an internet “girlfriend” that turned out to be just another bloke pretending to be a girl. It’s called “catfishing” and apparently a lot of idiot people in America have waaay too much time on their hands.
      Regarding the sunburst tattoo…I don’t think he’s trying to be profound but it’s awfully cute that you think so.
      P.S. I’m super happy to have a guy to chime in on all this stuff. Stick around!

      • I don’t think he’s being profound. I think he’s an idiot. That thing is a tramp stamp for a man.
        I had a look at T’eo on the wiki. Seems scum zoned in on a lonely fella a long way from home. I doubt he would have been as open were he on Hawaii rather than at ND. Nor would it have made any difference to hearing the Rammer Jammer last season I expect.

        P>S> that isn’t Football either. :-D

  4. Holy crap! This is what I’ve been missing by sticking to Downtown Abbey. You’re so right…pass the remote, quickly.

  5. Until two minutes ago, I had no idea this phenomenon had a name. I’m off to Google the bejezz out of Catfishing.

    • Amy — definitely get the movie first. The movie is far superior to the TV show. You can tell it all happens very organically and you’re freaked out as he starts to figure this out!

  6. I had no idea this existed until I read this. Now, I can’t UNKNOW this, so, excuse me while I delve into Ph.D. level internet investigation.

  7. Absolute brilliance! I loved this list.

  8. I saw catfishing on Dr. Phil. I felt sorry for the women it happened to, because they were obviously devastated. But also…what were they thinking? A guy they can’t ever meet or talk to, and when they do talk to him he sounds like a bad singer on auto-tune? And it sounds mean, but the phrase “out of your league” came to mind several times. I know where I fall on the attractiveness scale, and I would be mighty suspicious of a David Beckham lookalike who had apparently fallen madly in love with me, but somehow could never actually meet me.

    What Dr. Phil didn’t explain is why someone would do something so deranged to people he or she doesn’t even know. Talk about crazy!

  9. I never knew there was a name for such a thing, but I saw something on TV once where a girl did this same thing to her own roommate, pretending to be a guy.

    I want to see that movie now.

    • ashersmom says:

      You must! Don’t read about it or even watch the TV show…just netflix the movie with as little knowledge as you can have. It’s best that way!

  10. The transgender photo reminds me of one of the clerks at the local liqueur store. S-he had Flo-Jo like finger nails and was the talk of a small town. Very nice, always helpful, stunningly gorgeous, but something was out of place. Love your site.

    • ashersmom says:

      Thanks, Charlie. Proving that they’ve always been there…we just haven’t always known what was going on. I bet s-he eventually moved to a bigger town though. Seems that’s what always happens.

  11. I’ve been seeing that phrase ‘catfishing’ around, but was too lazy to google it. Thanks for breaking it down!

    And, btw, I just started watching Downton Abbey. LOVE it. Give it a chance! It’s on Netflix :)

    • ashersmom says:

      I know, Kylie! I keep hearing that but I am too busy watching more highbrow stuff like Catfish and Toddlers and Tiaras. ; )

  12. I loved the movie Catfish. I saw it before I heard anything about it, and I got more and more amazed at every twist and turn. I haven’t checked out the TV show,

    • ashersmom says:

      I saw it the exact same way. I’d just heard it was “good” but nothing else. It really was the very best way to watch it. I remember just sitting up in bed, wide-eyed, as it started to get creepy! The show isn’t nearly as good and yet, I keep watching. Thanks for visiting!

  13. Dying. This was one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time. I swear, just when I think people can’t get any more stupid, a trend like this comes along. I saw a piece about it on TV (Dr. Phil maybe?) and apparently catfishing is a “fast growing hobby”. Hobby?!! WTF is wrong with people? One word: knitting. Knitting would be nice.

  14. I like how the guy in one of the 1st comments was an expert on transgender law dictating genitalia. If you are transgendered wouldn’t it be up in the air which genitalia you’re going with?

    Anyway, I didn’t know there was a show Catfish. I heard about & saw part of the most boring & sad movie, Catfish, but now there is a whole show?

    I completely do not understand this whole senario: “a WOMEN pretended to be a TRANSGENDERED MAN looking for another MAN to have a relationship with.”

    • Thank you for making me LOL while sick with the flu. There is no bad time to hear a phrase like “an expert on transgender law dictating genitalia.”

  15. I’m with you, I have no idea where these people find the time. If they’d just use their powers for good instead of evil, maybe they could help me get some laundry done or something.

  16. Very funny! Thanks for the laugh!

Trackbacks

  1. […] to freak me out. Have you guys heard about “catfishing”? I just read about it on Toulouse and Tonic, and I immediately had to Google the shizz out of it. Like the rest of America, I heard the story […]

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