I can’t believe I was on The Today Show. I mean, on their website. I was thisclose to Matt and Savannah and Al — oh Al, you’re such a crackup. I mean, look at this photo. I could just reach out and touch each and every one of their likenesses if I could make my little internet arm work. Although Matt would make me go wash my photo’s hands first because I’m licking coffee off my finger and he’d be like, ewwwwww, gross.
I’ve always dreamed of being on The Today Show – like REALLY on The Today Show – sitting opposite Matt Lauer in one of those comfy chairs, his legs crossed casually, glasses resting in his hand as he disregards his notes because the conversation is just flowing so naturally. I’d make him do that smirk he does when he’s really amused, of course. At least 4 times. I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t. I’m there because I’ve written something interesting and he wants to talk to me about it. NOT, as someone might rudely suggest, because I’ve committed a crime. White collar, of course. If I committed one. Which I did not.
Even though my heart is beating like my eyeballs are floating in Red Bull, I totally DO NOT freeze up when the director says, “3, 2…” and points his finger at us for the 1 (because everyone knows you don’t say the “one”).
And Matt loves my work and thinks I’m charming and the rest of the team and the crew are also laughing at my witticisms as the camera rolls. And when the interview is over, they’re all so charming and each one stops by to say how much they enjoyed having me before they have me limo’d back to the 5-star hotel they’ve put me up in.
And when they do, here’s what I ask each one.
What’s up, Carson. Remember when you dated Tara Reid? That was awesome.
Willie, you are one sexy nerd. I have a friend who insisted I tell you that if I got to meet you. Her crush goes way way way back. No, it’s not me. Mine just started right this minute. Ahem.
You seem like the nicest person on the planet, Natalie. If I said something snarky about Tom Cruise, I bet you’d say “If you can’t say something good about someone, don’t say anything at all.” And I wouldn’t even make that face because you’re just too darn sweet.
Savannah – will you be wearing pajama pants underneath the desk when you come back? I get you, girl. Moms hate pants.
Matt, who was the most awkward interview you’ve ever conducted? Don’t be glib. And don’t say this one. Please.
Did you really poop your pants at the White House, Al? And could you be any more lovable for admitting that? No, no you couldn’t.
Hoda & Kathie Lee – Make mine a Texas margarita. Yes on the Gran Marnier and no on the OJ.
How is it possible to have skin that gorgeous, Tamron. You sold your soul to the devil, didn’t you? What’s his number?
As you can see, I have a vivid imagination – and have been a Today Show fan for a long, long, long time. I’m still holding out hope they call me. I promise to show up on air as Drive You Crazy Carpool Mom – in my sexy rainbow pjs, bedhead and all. You can retweet THIS if you’d like to see that.
For now, I just need to stay put on their site so they might consider it. So far, I’ve been hanging steady there for 48 hours, just camped out in a festival chair, wearing those same pjs, drinking from that cold cup of coffee, holding in my pee and refusing to shower… I’m hoping for a really slow news week so Sexy Halloween Costumes for Moms is an actual relevant news thing. As you can see, it’s currently Me vs. ebola.
For tons of fun, head on over to their Facebook share about my post. Most people get it and think it’s funny but there are definitely some possible yeast infections in the group. Not everyone gets satire and if some of the comments on their page are any indication, it’s mostly men (I saw the word SEXY and then I clicked through and I no see SEXY) and women who like to use the word “demeaning.”
Special thanks to @terripeters for discovering my sexy moms post, pitching it to the Today Show and writing the article about it. You, girl, are the epitome of a rockin’ mama.