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Mike is back with a “What He Said” entry that’s definitely one of my favorites in a long time. I’d only gotten to #1 and I was LOL. This one is about those bad things kids do – and while you’re correcting them on the outside, you’re laughing your ass off on the inside. I doubt you need more introduction than that – we’ve all been there. (If you want to read about the bad things my kids did, check out this and this. Yep, they did.)
Without further ado, here’s Mike and today’s WHAT HE SAID.
9 Bad Things My Kids Did … That Made Me Laugh My Ass Off
All kids do bad things. Some things make you mad, some make you cry and even some make you laugh. Today, I’m sharing with you some of the LOL kind that always get told and retold during our family gatherings … for good reason. Read on.
Saying the F word – OK, not something I am proud of, but I have let the biggest, baddest curse word come out of my mouth in front of my kids before, but be assured, it has come to “pay me back” 10 fold. One time we borrowed a friend’s soccer ball for my oldest son’s soccer practice. Two weeks later, we had not returned the soccer ball and the parents called us asking for it. As expected, my wife and I looked everywhere for the damn soccer ball and couldn’t find it – all the while cussing at each other about this stupid ball. “You had it!” “Well, it wasn’t mine to keep up with!” Eventually, we found it. My wife piled all 3 kids in the car with our youngest son holding this very “precious” ball to return to its owner. The mom came out of the house, my wife got of the minivan, chatted with her a bit then opened the sliding door to retrieve the borrowed ball. My angelic 3 year old son smiles, and says in perfect English, “We brought you your F#@*!^& soccer ball!!” Yeah, maybe I used that word one too many times.
Take that, Pele – when they are 5, it is kinda of funny to see your child get knocked around and take a spill when playing “herd” soccer. After seeing my kid pushed down for the 5th time by a Pele starter kit, I turned into Patton and began giving my son tips on how to retaliate. Once my wife heard of this, she got pissed saying , “Don’t teach him that!” Then I had to resort to hand signals to communicate with my 5 year old. Our family’s good name depended on this retribution. The first time he blew up some soccer bully on the field, I pumped my fist – and my wife was cheering just as loud as I was.
Full moon – I don’t even know how this started but my kids went through a period of yanking down each other’s pants. In front of mom and I – stupid, but still mildly funny. In front of company, not so much. This game morphed into running into the room with no pants on and then running out – a humorous commercial streaking break. Finally, it peaked with running into the room with no pants, doing a little jig, thus causing the other kids to drop pants and begin doing their jig while I am trying to get them to stop, hoping that Chris Hansen from Dateline’s To Catch A Predator wasn’t around the corner to bust me watching this strip show.
WTF!? – Yes, that is the phrase I have uttered a few times as each of my precious angels have whizzed or dropped a load on me while changing them. This action was usually followed by more cursing from me and my wife laughing at me, which finally prompted me to chase her through the house trying to throw the planet’s nastiest baby wipe on her.
Yes! No! Yes! No! – Yeah, I’m evil. I love, love, love seeing my kids and wife argue. One, it takes the heat off of me. Two, it is like two seasoned fighters going at it. My little sponges watched and learned from the master Arguer. It is truly, like watching a Kung Fu movie where the final showdown is the master fighting the student – pure entertainment. And it gets better with age.
Hey, Grandma, guess what? – The older our kids got, the more rules we put on them. They heard the rules a lot and after a while were very well versed in them. So imagine our surprise when our very little and sweet darling daughter decided to share some of the rules with her Grandma. As she sat on her Grandma’s lap, she looked up at her with her big beautiful eyes and said, “Know what, Grandma? In our house we don’t say shit, we don’t say f*@^, and we don’t put our fingers in our butts!” Then smiled like she had just recited the holiest of prayers. That story has an annual appearance at Christmas time.
Is there a frog in your PJs? – A fart is the funniest sound on this planet, hands down. There is nothing that will change the mood of room like a fart and your little comedy troop knows this. So there you are having a parental meltdown on one of your kids in front of the others. You have made this elaborate and well-constructed point and the room falls silent taking it all in. Then your youngest eases a sound out of his body like a cat getting choked to death and everyone busts up laughing as you fight to keep the frown on your facing saying “That’s not funny …”. So much for that epic parental hall of fame moment.
You’re playing that card?! – one of the benefits of my wife being a principal when the kids were growing up, is they got to attend the same school my wife worked at. Good for us, bad for the kids. So the couple hours after school lets out were important to my wife to get things done and ready for the next day, my kids were to do their homework and when they were done they could go “play”. One of my little demon seeds had finished his homework and began running up and down the school’s hallways yelling. A major no-no since teachers were still working in their classrooms. One teacher had enough and told him to quit running through the halls. He looked her right in the eye and said, “Do you know who my mother is?” She said, “You bet I do. Let’s go see her!” Needless to say the rest of his day sucked.
We are the World – when you have a pool, you have to expect that around 3,256 times a summer, someone is going to cry from getting splashed, dunked, jumped on, yelled at, etc. Even today, hearing the words “Stop It !!” or “I’m gonna tell !!” raises my blood pressure. Then my wife came up with a brilliant plan. If two kids were fighting, the two had to get out of the pool for 30 minutes AND sit by the pool at watch the others play WHILE holding each other’s hand for the duration. I never knew touching human skin could burn but the looks on their faces always gave me that impression. Also, watching them (from a distance) having to deal with this punishment was comedy gold. But they would do it – whatever it took to get back in that pool.