Hellions. Curtain-climbers. Tasmanian devils. These are just a few of the ways I occasionally refer to my wild boys. They’re the reason I look like I’ve been rolled in meth and tied down in a giant cage of drug-addicted rats by 5 o-clock every day.
But the funny thing is (and by funny, I mean funny weird, not funny ha ha), no one else seems to think these names apply. So I’m left wondering, why do my kids behave for everyone but me?
Everyone at school and preschool, without fail, tells me how sweet, good-natured and well-behaved they are. Their grandparents say they’re “a delight.” When they visit a friend, the parents tell me they were “no trouble at all.”
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Excuse me, my children were NO TROUBLE AT ALL? Did you handcuff them and put them in a soundproof room for the duration of their visit? And while we’re on the subject, why doesn’t it look like jungle animals have been swinging from your chandeliers and throwing feces at your walls all day long? Yep, must be the handcuffs thing.
I’ve watched them behave for other people with great interest. I’ve listened from the other room while they played quietly and contentedly alone so their dad can watch football or get a little work done. But let me walk into eyeshot and with great fanfare, both of them will immediately act like they were just stung by an entire hive of killer bees.
Oh there’s mom. Let the drama commence.
I’ve contemplated this phenomenon for years. I noticed it when I only had one child but I thought it was just a quirk. Then I had another one. People call this child “sunny,” “happy,” and say he has “the best disposition.” At preschool last week, they told me he’d hit his head on a playset and cried — and that was the FIRST TIME they’d seen him cry the entire time he’s been going there.
But I bring him home and he turns into Chuckie, spreading a swath of destruction everywhere he goes.
Last night, in a 20-second span, he put his brother’s toothbrush in his mouth, flushed the toilet needlessly, dropped my shoe in the running bathwater, raced to the playroom and pushed the button of every single obnoxious, noise-making toy we have creating a cacophony that would drive the most dedicated Yogi out of their mind and then walked back to the bathroom doorway and grinned at me while I juggled the mopping up of my converse sneaker with the faux-sterilizing of his brother’s toothbrush under hot running water. That angel has a devil inside.
Maybe they’re both just big mama’s boys. Maybe there’s a maternal eau de perfume I emit that melts them into boneless piles of need whenever mommy is around. Maybe it’s sibling rivalry. Or maybe I’m just a pushover. And they know it.
Or maybe, just maybe, they feel safest with me — safest to feel all their feelings and even just to get their yayas out, because they know I love them enough to give a hug to even the biggest of tasmanian devils when he stops spinning out of control. Once I calm my own self down, of course.
I like to think it’s that.
Otherwise, you’ll have to excuse me while I schedule an appointment to have my maternal backbone examined.
I’m anxious to hear your theories. Do your kids behave for everyone but you? Why do you think that is?
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OMG this is totally me!! I have no idea what gets into them but I love your examples given here! 🙂
The devil made them do it! At least that’s what I tell myself. ; )
I was really hoping to find the answer to your burning question at the end of the post. Now, I’m just crying into m pillow again and wondering the same thing.
At least I’m not alone…
Yep. At least we’re together in our misery. Us spineless moms. ; )
SOOO true. But I always say, at least they’re polite when I’m not around. If they acted with other people the way they act at home, then we’d really be in trouble!
You do have a point, my friend. I think they just know they can get away with it with me because they know I love them more than life. Other people, not so much.
HA! If I could help, I would, but I’m the mom with the kids about which everyone goes, “They’re not BAD boys…just very rambunctious.” Um, yes. That they are. 🙂
Well, the chicks dig the bad boys. So that’s a different kind of hell, yes?
My mother always told me it is because home (mom) is their safe place. And, I’m a pushover too. I’m working on that. For real, because mama needs a break.
I tell my husband, as long as we can send them out in the world and they function, we have done our jobs!
I choose to think that it is because that is where our children feel safe to be themselves, to show how they really feel without fear of what others may think or do. Not that we are pushovers, but they know that we will love them no matter what… Doesn’t make it easier at all thinking this way in the midst of the screams, but when all is calm in the world it helps… a little =)
I think your theory is pretty on-target. I just wonder why they still behave for their dad. What is it about mom?
I. WONDER. THE. SAME. THING. ALL. THE. TIME. My husband screams at me that I don’t discipline them enough, But I know otherwise. Thank you for this post, I SO needed it! I have come to the conclusion that they have to be good all day at school, day care, etc, that when I pick them up when I get off work (dealing with adults that act like children) they have squeeze as much chaos into my day that they can before going to bed. It’s tiresome, but I am sure some day I will miss it…I just wonder when that they will be!
I’m disciplining mine ALL THE TIME and they still act this way with me. I do think it has something to do with the maternal energy. They know they can come to you for the comfort others may not give them. You know, kind of like keeping a stiff upper lip for the world but when it’s mom, they can cry. But Jesus, give me a break every now and then! ; )
My 5 year old uses that line all the time, not sure I believe it though lol
Apparently when I was little, my Mom asked me this question and I told her that if she wanted me to behave for everyone else, I had to be bad somewhere. I also agree that they know you will love them, no matter what.
I have always been told that my children are good for others because they can’t let their guard down. When they are around MOM they can just be themselves and let their guard down because they know no matter how bad they are or how much they act out, you will ALWAYS love them. When my grandmother told me this it made perfect sense to me and now the meltdowns don’t bother me as much…..food for thought.
So true! That is why we go out a lot. kiddo is pretty good in public and you aren’t supposed to beat them in public. I am glad he is good for other people. I just wish he would bring some of that home.
amen, sister.
My sister will take the kids and inevitably when they come home they are all tears and whining and she’s all “WTF? They were perfect for me! ADIOS!” I hate them all.
Haha. I know. I pick the 3yo up from preschool and he’s so so happy to see me, all smiles and then literally within 1 minute of getting into the car, he becomes the devil.
I agree wholeheartedly with your theory. As an Early Childhood professional, I have told the parents of my students this for years.
I’m so happy to have my opinion validated by a professional! You must make those parents feel so much better about this subject. I wish I’d run into you when mine were little!
OMG!!! Thank you for posting this! I am very grateful to know it is not just me. Honestly, I fell like I am the world’s worst mother in the whole world because our youngest son is absolutely wild if I am around. We have 4 kids the oldest two have their moments but not as bad. I can leave them with anyone and all I hear is how wonderful they all were. And all I can think is you don’t need to lie to me. I have seen how they act.
It’s not just you. I really think there’s a lot to this theory. You are their safe place. Lucky you. 😉
I used to feel the same way. But after a few years of testing this theory, I believe in it 100%. We’re their safe place. So at least know you’re not “causing” it – it means that above anyone else they know they can feel all the feels around you.
I’m a first time mom, and mine is turning 4 in June. My son is absolutely out of control when he’s at home!! Why is it that when he’s with grandma, auntie or dad that he’s a prefect angel but a little devil around me? Glad to know I’m not the only one!
I have the same obnoxious 2 yr old, I took him to the grocery store yesterday. I took him in the house to go back and unload groceries. He opened up the back door(it’s 18 degrees) started the washer, turned the tv on as loud as it would go, & got in the toilet!! Literally 5 mins!!! He’s wild, help!!!
I like what Alex Marshall had to say. Coming from a 15 year old makes it real. I know I’ve been told that it’s because my girls feel more comfortable and safe around mommy and daddy. They as Alex said, they know that no matter how bad they act around us, we will always love them.
More so switched on with other people, more focused on making sure they are doing everything correct, or they think they wont be able to return to that place, they wint have friends anymore etc. At home its like they can let their hair down, they always know that their parents will love them and forgive them no matter what. They hear their mums voice more so then anyone elses, like they tune out, stuck on one pathway in the brain, where as that voice they dont hear to often, its like a new pathway gets made and they are switched on more so at these times. A mother doesnt always get listened to, kids running about, soon as dad comes in the door, one look and they are focused ready to sit /listen etc. If the role was reversed and dad was always at home, telling the kids, ” brush your teeth now” ” get in bed now” ” do this now” ” do that now” I think after awhile they would not listen to their father either, it would be become the norm, only pathway… But when mum would walk in and just looked, or spoke they would listen, responsive to change, tone etc.
I have several observations from my experience. 1) Kids learn from experiencing cause and effect. It is one of most important methods. The more intense the natural consequences are, the quicker they learn.
2) They NEED structure and stability. The more consistent that I was being a brick wall and holding to my convictions, the more secure they became with theirs.
3)If we truly model what we expect, children innately know how to behave but we have to accept our place of being the guinea pig to test those rules to prove #2 above.
When they do fail, and they will, they desperately need the nurturing and unconditional love that mom’s are naturally known to have.
4)The most successful people as adults tended to be very rowdy and determined critters when they were little. Those traits that drive us NUTS as parents now are the same traits that we will brag about when our kids excel. Stubbornness turns to tenacity, dawdling turns to exactness, argumentative becomes critical thinking. In other words, these little twits will become our future leaders in all areas.
My famous answer when people would comment about how well behaved my kids were was, “Well, at least I know that the training is succeeding outside the home.” 😉