Today is a special day at T&T because I have a guest post from someone I’ve admired (aka stalked) for years. Nicole Leigh Shaw, aka Ninja Mom, brings her smart, funny take on how moms are measured…and it’s not in inches. I bow down. You will too so be sure to visit her blog and follow her on facebook here.
Being a mother is tough. Not so much because one has the care (along with her co-parent, certain restrictions apply, may not be available in all states) of other human beings, but because there’s no clear definition of mother. Right, yes, the person who births a particular human is that child’s mother. But there is also that person who is seen at the grocery store with the child, helping him to pick a sugar-loaded cereal, denying her a small toy, or removing him from the middle of the seafood section when he’s trashing on the floor claiming that he’s “not done talking to the lobsters!”
That woman, like her counterpart wrangling children in the pew on Sunday, her doppelganger ushering kids through a soccer practice with erstwhile cheerleading, and her twin in the parking lot giving a stern lecture about not darting into traffic, that woman is being judged. I maintain that judgment, the collective silent critique of a woman’s interactions with her children, is the measure of a mother.
Mothers are measured. Like height, weight, and bra size, a mother can be cataloged by her actions. Does she yell too loudly at her children in public? Does she speak too softly when they run roughshod over her in the toy store? Where does she place her hand when restraining a toddler ready to bolt into a crowd? The upper arm? The back of the neck? The hair?
We are on display for the world to see, dissect, and comment upon in public forums both online and at carpool. Did you see how dirty her children’s fingernails are? That one dresses her kids better than I dress myself, does she think she’s raising Suri Cruise?
It’s painful to discover that you’ve been measured and marked like meat for consumption: prime, choice, select. One mom is good enough for PTA president, the other for cleaning up after the school carnival. Another is easier to stomach after being marinated in some booze.
Let me encourage you to take your own measure. Don’t let someone else decide if you’re the kind of mom too snooty to enjoy an afternoon with the neighborhood families at a community BBQ. Neither is it someone else’s business if you prefer filet mignon to frankfurters and your kids really do enjoy crudités.
On the chance that someone sizes you up correctly, own it. Introduce yourself and invite them to bring their kids over for craft time, or water balloon time. Sometimes we are who we appear to be, and that’s a good thing because how else will we recognize the rest of the moms who like to let their kids make mud pies or only eat organic snacks?
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Two of my favorite writers together. The heavens sing. I’ve been all of those mothers. Great, awful and everything in between and my measurement is as long and diverse as Mary Poppins bag, which, I believe, held a gigantic measuring tape. But, I pay far less attention to the measuring tapes of others because my kids, thankfully, forgive my bad days and we just remeasure the next day. Great piece, Nicole.
Bad Parenting Moments recently posted…There is nothing wrong. A baby just came out of your vagina.
You’re fabulous. Thanks for the love.
Ninja Mom recently posted…I won Facebook
Thank you, thank you, thank you for having me. You keep a nice blog over hear. Much neater than mine.
Hugs T&T, you know I’m a big fan.
Ninja Mom recently posted…I won Facebook
Hey I feel like I won the lottery getting the two of you for the price of one visit. Very cool!
Nicole I love this piece. I have been all of these moms too, the “saint” and the “sinner.” I was much more likely to judge in my child-less days (then I was a great mother) or my very early days of motherhood, well before my kids could walk or talk. Once I experienced my first full fledged “melt down”in a store I started to view moms differently and became much slower to judge. Thanks for a great piece, as always!
Kathy Radigan recently posted…When the Whole Wide World is Fast Asleep
I think tantrums are the great equalizer. For sure. I had the parenting control until I didn’t. Then I saw those other moms with tantrum-throwing kids as souls to commiserate with, not saps to condemn.
Ninja Mom recently posted…I prefer the metric system.
So true that we are constantly measuring and being measured. Love your advice to take our own measure. We’d all be better moms if we stopped judging and comparing and just focused on what works best for our families. Can’t wait to explore more on your blog. Thanks for great post!
Nicole @ Work in Sweats Mama recently posted…Division of Labor – It’s Your Turn to Cook
You are more than welcome! I should have warned everyone that, except for right now in this post, I’m largely a damn fool.
Thanks for the kind words!
Ninja Mom recently posted…I prefer the metric system.
Well said. There is always a case to be made for the middle ground and it seems when I read about parenting middle ground keeps slipping farther away. Don’t judge too much but don’t forget to judge yourself. You are both awesome.
Jean recently posted…You can do it, put your mind into it
That you can make the nasty judgement that weighs on all of us as moms so funny, leaves me in complete awe of you. Hate the measuring, love both of you guys, and this just such a darn awesome post.