My friend Mike is back and he’s wading into some controversial waters and taking on how to discipline your children. It’s a hot button topic right now but Mike’s not scared to talk about it – and that’s what makes him unique. Well, that and his sense of humor.
As always, you’re gonna chuckle, but you also might learn something from this experienced dad whose children are all grown now – and turned out fabulously, if he does say so himself. I also happen to know his wife, and I imagine she had a lot to do with this. In fact, make sure you read all the way to the end to see why she’s always been his trump card.
With no further adieu, here is the latest in the What He Said by Mike series. We want to hear your (respectful) thoughts and opinions so be sure to weigh in.
MIKE: Here are my thoughts on kid punishments. Wanna hear it? No? Well, tough $#/*! Put your ass in timeout and start reading, poopy head.
Threats – “Jimmy, if you don’t stop that, you will not get to watch <whatever show>!”. Surprise! Jimmy doesn’t stop his bad behavior. Surprise #2! Jimmy gets to watch his TV show anyway. Nothing whips my ass more than an uttered idle threat followed by the parent looking at you and saying, “What can you do?” Give me little Jimmy for 5 minutes and I will show you what to do. Follow through, parents!
Time out – Has timeout ever worked, ever?! Let me answer this for you – NO! Every time I have seen timeout executed, the kid sits in his “obscure” place screaming for 5 minutes until the parent finally says, “OK timeout is over” only to have little Damien go right back to doing what he did to get timeout in the first place. If you’ve made this one work, I’d like to hear how!
Talk It Out – They’re kids, you’re the parent. They’re not your equals. Your rules are THE rules. Do them a favor and stop reasoning with them. Lay down the law and stick to it. Like I’ve said before – don’t be their friend, be their parent.
Ignore the behavior – I’ve seen it a million times in a store. The devil’s spawn goes nuts in the store, running, yelling, pulling shit off the shelves and the parent just slowly pushes the cart down the aisle totally oblivious to the commotion around. If I knew I wouldn’t be arrested and my face plastered all over the news, I’d put a stop this nonsense myself.
Silent treatment – Your first reaction is to say hell no to this one, right? But I don’t think it’s actually not a bad punishment when used right. Your point is made through nothing other than you generating uncomfortable silence with your child. He craves your attention and when he doesn’t get it – it turns his world upside down. Plus, you gain the bonus of …. you guessed it – silence. Be prepared though – once you use this on your kids, they can reverse the whip on you and give you the silent treatment. Wait, I am beginning to like this more and more.
We’re Leaving – Yeah, this one sucks but it is also very effective. Basically, it is the ultimate trump card for a parent. You finally have had enough so you’re taking your ball and going home. This is when little Johnny realizes, you hold all the cards. He has to go with you – he has no car, he can’t drive, he has no money, all of his shit is back at your house. Yeah, he will have a frustrated melt down, but it will be in your car and you won’t have to subject the public to this display. Plus, the threat of “We’re leaving now” in the future will have a nice sweet calming effect on your cherub’s behavior. Of course, this one is only effective if you’re somewhere your kid actually wants to be. If you’re at the grocery store, the kid’ll probably say, “Yep, let’s bag this trip!”
Spanking – I love how people who don’t condone spanking act like parents who do spank are scum of the earth. Let me clue you in folks. I was spanked as a kid and other than the obvious shortcomings you witness every time I pen something, I turned out fine and do not hate my parents. I spanked my kids too. I can count on one hand the number of times I did spank them, but it worked – every time. And the threat of another spanking was all it usually took to change the behavior. Guess what? My kids don’t hate me and in fact love me very much (which always puts a funny puzzled grin on my face). I know it’s controversial but I fall on the side of yes to the occasional (nonabusive) called-for spanking.
Switch / Belt – I get it. You want to make an “impression” on your child so the bad behavior doesn’t happen again, but do you have to do that by actually physically hurting them? You don’t. I promise. And you shouldn’t. I never understood the reason for “go get my belt or cut me a switch to whip you.” Plus I always think physically hurting a child is more about the parent’s anger than actually teaching the child anything. Calm yourself down before you do anything, then try something else like…
Eye Level Stare with Growl – This was my favorite. If one of mine acted up in the store, I’d do a little shoulder grab, look them right in the eye, stare, and silently growl that I wanted them to stop. It got the point across, didn’t physically hurt my precious baby, and showed other people in the store I was dealing with my problem child. This usually worked but if not, I would grab my kid, punt my cart and leave. Yeah, I was pissed, but I lived to fight another day and CPS wasn’t making a swing by my house to snag me.
Taking stuff away – this could work – if it was 1960. Today’s kids have so much crap that taking away a couple things doesn’t punish them – it just refocuses them on the some other crap they have. In their heads “wait, she’s taking my Super Spectacular Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle figurine?! She is such a ….. oh, wait, I’ll just play with my GI Joe action figure with the real Kung Fu grip.”
Choices – This was my wife’s favorite and I loved watching it. It was like a real life “Let’s Make a Deal” in your house. One of our kids would want something like candy. My wife would say no to the candy, but say “You can have an apple, and orange or a banana.” My kid would scream, “No, I want candy!” His choice would then be reduced by one – apple or banana. The look on his face would say it all “Shit! I better take one of her remaining choices or I’m going to end up getting nothing!”
So …. What is your most successful type of child discipline? Do you agree with my assessments or are you dying to come over here and punish me? Leave your thoughts in the comments and I guarantee you, I’ll respond to every one.
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“Time Out” is much like any other form of discipline; it works for some kids, and not-so-much for others. To my 5YO, Time Out is the most heartbreaking, severe, the-world-as-I-know-it-is-ending punishment EVER; my 2YO is like, “What else ya got?!” (DH and I joke that she’d totally be flipping us The Bird, if she knew how.) I also disagree with your stance on talking it out. No, you’re not equals, but they ARE still people. I have found that letting them have a say, letting them voice their fears/concerns/frustrations/desires and finding a mutually agreeable solution is WAY less stressful than the “my way or the highway” stance my parents took. (Though, in all fairness, this works much better with the [slightly more rational] 5YO than with the 2YO!) I would much rather teach my kids to make good choices (and be accountable for the consequences of those choices!) now, when said consequences are minor — a broken toy, the loss of a privilege, etc. — than later, when the stakes are so much higher. I also feel that it’s more advantageous to them as future contributors to society to teach them to think for themselves, rather than blindly following The Rules because I said so!
At the end of the day, you are the parent, and it is your job to figure out what works for your kids; and realize that NO form of discipline is one-size-fits-all — not even for two kids in the same family!
Heather – you are correct. One size does not fit all and I have found different punishments can be needed based on the different situations you are presented and the age of your child (i.e. you can’t be spanking a 7 year old). I respect your stance on my “talk it out” position. I just found that they needed to realize I call the shots, but keep in mind I am also very upfront with them (as hard as it was) on the mistakes that I make showing them I am just like them. Mine are older so not much punishment I can do anymore to them, but I tried to set the “behavior expectation” stage for them at an early age for them. If you are still trying to figure out how to discipline them at the pre-school age, that boat has left the dock. As I have always said – being a good parent is the toughest and most stressful job but most rewarding thing I have ever done.
It’s always interesting to hear other people’s thoughts on real discipline. We mostly use time-out right now because my son is 4 an it really is effective for us. That time he has to sit in his corner is like murder for him and he generally stops what he’s gotten in trouble for (but we’ve had to do repeat time-outs before). But we also spank when its warranted. Both my husband and I were spanked as kids and it was very effective. Sometimes even just the threat. I have friends and family with small children now too and very few of them use any sort of discipline because they feel their children are too young to understand. But I agree with one of your commenters that today’s parents are just plain lazy. I think the annoying children I’ve been around that don’t listen at all to their parents – some don’t even seem to comprehend their own name at times – are a product of lazy parents who think it’s easier to let them do whatever (“free spirits” in some cases) than to actually raise them. I’ve done “we’re leaving” several times and that’s always effective! But I’ve not ever heard of the “choices”. I’ll have to try that one. Great post, thanks for the advice!
Thanks, Tara !! Appreciate the cooments and insight you provided. I forget to touch one thing that really gets me going. Probably one of the things that whips me is the kid that interupts the parent while they are having a conversation with me then putting me on hold to listen to little Jimmy that desires attention from them at the very moment. Really shows you how the parent values your conversation with them …
As the mom of 4 grown (age 30-38) kids, I’ve done all of the above and more. The kids are all great adults. At the time of their growing, there were times I wasn’t so sure…
The most memorable punishment (for them, since they still talk about it) was when my youngest son and daughter (I think ages at the time maybe about 8 & 13) were arguing CONSTANTLY. Bicker, bicker, bicker, snipe, snipe, snipe….until I could take no more. I quietly (or maybe not so quietly, lol) made them sit side by side (cheek-to-cheek, as it were), holding hands, until they each said something nice about the other. OMG! It was, for them, the worst thing EVER! However, it was, apparently, very effective. Sure, they continued to have arguments, still do. Shoot, they ARE siblings. But it didn’t take much after that to stop any constant barrage.
I am TOTALLY gonna steal this move!