My diaper bag…
My kindergartner’s spring break was last week and I was lucky enough to have two awesome books tucked into my bag as we pulled out of the driveway on vacation.
I can hear what you’re saying right now. How the hell did you find time to read two, let alone one book while on “vacation” with your children? Because we all know a vacation is not a vacation in the traditional sense when your kids are with you.
And indeed, it was not restful at all. But I still managed to find time to delve into these 2 books and I’ll tell you why. Both are right up my alley — funny, very real stories about what it’s like to be a mom. On the bonus side, both have pretty short, self-contained chapters that make it easy to read (and have a good laugh) for 10 or 15 minutes before bed at night when the kids are already asleep. Or ya know, when you Just Want To Pee Alone.
Motherhood Comes Naturally (and other vicious lies) by Scary Mommy arrived first. I don’t know how many of you read Confessions of a Scary Mommy, Jill’s first book but I bet it was a LOT of you since it was a best-seller. I somehow missed it, and after reading Motherhood Comes Naturally (and other vicious lies) and loving it, I’m putting the first one on my Mother’s Day wish list.
My favorite thing in the book is “Rules for Playdates.” I’m a known playdate hater (although not nearly as dedicated to it as my friend Bad Playdate) so this one had me laughing – and thinking about printing them up and handing them out to moms who are brave enough to ask one of my boys to playdate with them. The best rule? To be repeated by the child’s playmate: ”I will not ask you to endlessly throw balls/do art projects/referee sports/run around after me. I recognize that my sole job is to entertain your child.”
Other “vicious lies” about motherhood you’ll love? The Parent is In Charge. Pets Make Children More Responsible. You’ll Get More Sleep When They’re Older. It goes on, in that special Scary Mommy way, but I wouldn’t want to ruin it for you.
Just click this link to order your own copy.
The second book I was lucky enough to take on “vacation” was Moms Who Drink & Swear: Loving My Kids While Losing My Mind by Nicole Knepper.
This book is so full of heart and swear words, I couldn’t love it more.
I am a cusser, don’t get me wrong. I love me some swear words. But even I have learned a few new ones reading MWDAS’s book. And it’s always good to keep growing and learning no matter how old you get, amirite?
I also learned some new descriptive phrases for genitalia, bodily functions and imaginary friends, all while laughing my ass off.
This woman has a way with words. And in every one of them — even the curse words — is so much heart.
Since you all know how much I hate the constant chore that is cooking for kids, you won’t be surprised to find out my favorite chapter is called “Dinner Is Like Herpes.” Here’s a sample: ”You can go all day and try not to think about making dinner, but it’s still there, lingering, lurking and mocking you. You can’t always see it, but it’s a permanent condition, a symptom of the virus known as ‘children,’ who need to be fed as long as they are alive.”
Enough said. Order your very own copy by clicking here.
Both books would be great mother’s day presents (along with mine, of course). Just package all three books up together with a bottle of wine and let those mothers in your life know they aren’t alone in this crazy, chaotic journey called motherhood.
But wait. Maybe you’d like to win a copy of Nicole Knepper’s book? A signed copy perhaps? Yes. Yes, as sure as I drink and swear, you would.
Here’s all you have to do. In the comments below, just list your favorite libation and your favorite swear word. If it was me, I’d write “Vodka and Shit.” Tuesday morning, I’ll choose a winner and BOOM! Your own personal, signed copy of MWDAS: Loving My Kids While Losing My Mind will be on its way to you.
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Comments
I need 2 (don’t judge) Wine, Patron & Fucktard.
All feel good rolling around on your tongue =)
Ronni Keller recently posted…What Happens To Grandma Juice on Spring Break…
Believe it or not my favorite was taught to me by my beloved, jokster grandfather back when I was first taking Italian in High School. He told me to ask my teacher what “va’ fa Napoli” meant. Thankfully my grandmother heard him and stopped me from repeating this to my teacher (probably just would have gotten more detention!!). But to this day, I still use it when I need it!!
Janine Huldie recently posted…Smoothie Parties: Reagan’s Toy Chest Review
I love me a good ol’ fashioned margarita. And a whole lotta the word, “fuuuuuuuuu…dge!”
HAHA I like your answer
Vodka…Dickbag
Vodka and shitnuggets!
Mojito and cunt
Billini, and Fuckface.
Wine (lots of it) and douchebag ( simply because I can use it most anytime I really have to. (i.e. Driving my kids around in ATL traffic and the fucking asshole who cuts me off and never looks back. Plus I think it’s a funny word that makes me laugh!
Wine (lots of it) and douchebag ( simply because I can use it most anytime I really have to. (i.e. Driving my kids around in ATL traffic and the fucking asshole who cuts me off and never looks back. Plus I think it’s a funny word that makes me laugh!
Definitely vodka/soda with lime and Jayzus! (sorry)…lol
Motherfuckingsonofabitch and vodka (preferably Ketel)
a fucking martini, what else?
Mary Beth recently posted…My daughter’s going to the Taylor Swift concert tonight….
tequila & thundercunt
I love a “from scratch” Tom Collins with Hendrick’s Gin. I think I say “Son of a BITCH” at least twice an hour to my computer or in my head while a shitbag client is talking.
Tia @ Gilded TBags recently posted…Show your face, I mean LOVE…stalkers. You know who you are.
Moscato and asshole. Asshole is universal. The Guy that takes your parking space is an asshole. The pickle jar that refuses to open and makes you admit defeat by asking your husband for assistance is an asshole. The smug expression of proven manhood on your husbands face by said pickle jar makes him an asshole.
Red Wine and Goddamn It.
Vodka & Motherfucker
Coconut rum & asshat
Bourbon. Wonderful, golden bourbon. I use the classics…damnit, what the hell, shit, etc. I never thought I would curse in front of the kids, but my oldest is seven going on 21. ’nuff said.
‘Oh for fuck’s sake’ and a pomegranate martini
Cocktails at Naptime recently posted…New Dogs on the Blog
Gin and motherfuck. The latter is usually screamed in my head when the boys are present, but not always. Backups include asshat, fucktard, wtf, sonofabitch, areyoufuckingkiddingme. It’s good to have backups.
Dark and Stormy, motherfuckers!
Bad Parenting Moments recently posted…Jurassic Park
vodka in just about any combo but dirty martini preferred. shastakovich when kids around and fuck a duck when not
Lately my drink has been Amaretto on ice with Lemon Perrier. I’m so pleased to see that someone (tammy b) says fuck a duck. I thought I was the only one! But my favorite curse is really a rant. ShitGodDamnMotherFuck. All in one breath. What a stress reliever.
Whiskey sour….Shit
Red wine and sonofabitch
Mimosas for fuck’s sake!
Anna recently posted……love to Boston
Cabernet and fuck–the only word in the English language that works as all parts of speech!!
Vodka and fuck. That sounds dirty.
And THANK YOU for this. You’re awesome!!! XO
Red Beer and Sons-a-Bitches! Gotta be plural, but let’s face it, there is no shortage of people to use it on!
Pomegranate Martini
Sorry I didn’t curse. I don’t myself. I hope I’m not disqualified…
I love a good frozen mudslide. And any combination of Twatwaffle, Douchecanoe, Assmunch or Fucktard will always put a smile on my face.
Teri recently posted…CONTEST! ONE MORE DAY TO ENTER! WHY AM I SHOUTING?
Favorite cocktail? Fruit Cocktail. I have to many young kids around to be able to enjoy a libation yet.I need to keep my head on straight or this whole household falls to shit.
Favorite swear word? Ahole. I call my husband that so often that it is his “contact” name in my phone. I told him it’s just so he comes up first in my contact list. Whatever works, ya know?
Wine. Glorious wine. Everything else makes me feel like death the next day. Since becoming a mom, my swearing has become extremely limited but when those hormones flare, I go with the f word. Keeping it real.
Strong stouts and bitchass motherfucker!
Vodka tonic (if I were really going somewhere and ordering whatever I want) and SOB.
My favorite cocktail is anything I can have when I’m not with my kids. Lol. But I do love me an amaretto sour. And I must say shit more then any other swear word. Probably cause I’ve actually been shit on by my kids. Haha
If I wasn’t nursing or didn’t have a parrot for a toddler … Several blended Margaritas with salt and fuck (in all of it’s glorious forms)
Nikki from MWDAS was so bowled over by your wonderful drinkin’ and cussin’ responses that she decided to give away 2 signed copies of the book instead of 1. Congrats to Jacqueline Leonard and Shawna Edwards!