The Top 10 Sucky Things About Being Pregnant

I haven’t been pregnant in more than 2 years (ahem, thank goodness with how this one went down), yet this is still one of my most popular posts.  I guess it’s all you women who, despite all these sucky things about being pregnant, keep doing it again and again and again.  ; )  Sooo, I thought I’d share it again today.  I hope you enjoy.

10 sucky things about being pregnant

www.toulouseandtonic.com

1. I can no longer enjoy a hearty laugh or even experience an impromptu sneeze without peeing myself a smidge.  I’m inventing Depend’s EasyFit PREGNANCY SLIMS for those of us who wet ourselves just a tad throughout the day.

slim-sized depend's adult diapers for pregnancy pees2. The dead-of-night surprise of sudden foot cramps so painful I shoot out of bed from a deep sleep and start hopping around on one foot while holding the other and yelping, “Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch” like a cartoon character. Somehow hubs sleeps right through this drama every time. Which just makes me want to poke him awake and then say, “Man, those cramps are rough. Sorry I woke you.”

3. Suddenly having my early pregnancy nausea change its mind and return after leaving for 2 months. Last week, Asher, who is extremely attached to his little frog potty and refuses to use a regular toilet while at home, both peed and pooped in the little potty, making a delightful poopy soup. I started gagging as soon as I picked it up and once I’d deposited it in the big potty, I threw up on top of it. This shit is glamorous.

4. Hitching up my stretchy waist-band pregnancy pants ALL DAY LONG. I sit then stand — I pull them back up. I walk 4 steps, somehow causing them to work their way down my hips a couple of inches — I pull them back up. All day long, yank, yank, yank, yank, hitch, hitch, hitch, hitch.  Bitch, bitch, bitch.  I think I may just go full mu-mu for the remainder of my pregnancy.

giant pregnancy rock5. Boobs so big that there is no bra in existence that can handle them. I’m thinking of hiring a couple of midgets to carry them around for me all day. I don’t mean to offend little people, but clearly there’s a (lack of) height requirement, and kids can’t do the job because of those pesky child labor laws.

6. Areolas the size of silver dollar pancakes. Without any exaggeration.  Yummmmm.

7. The inability to see anything under my belly, most regrettably, my bikini line. I grab the razor, shave blindly, and bravely hope for intact labia.

8. A recently acquired inability to sleep through the night, which I’m sure is an indication of the future sleeping disposition of the child I’m carrying. I toss and turn all night — no easy feat with a big belly and a giant body pillow. And then there’s the handy internal hormonal alarm clock which goes off every morning around 5am and refuses to shut off or even snooze for 4 minutes. Just what everyone welcomes with great joy — an already cranky, hormonal pregnant woman who’s added bitchy blobzilla to her resume because she can’t freaking sleep.

red_popsicle_t_shirt9. Tears, nay — crying jags, that appear out of nowhere for beyond ridiculous reasons. With my first pregnancy, my husband caught me hiding in the kitchen with the water running at full blast to cover the jagged breaths and wails of a complete meltdown. When he asked me what was wrong, I said — no kidding — “I dripped red popsicle on my shirt.” A few weeks ago, I started blubbering while watching an episode of “Dance Moms.”  A show I am so mortified to admit I watched that I feel like crying again right now.

10. Well-meaning strangers, usually in the check-out line at the grocery store or Target, who all ask the same questions. “When are you due?” Followed by, “Is it a boy or a girl?” Followed by “What are you going to name him?” And then proceed to reach out and try to rub my belly.

I swear, this time I’m having a t-shirt made that says:

www.toulouseandtonic.com

www.toulouseandtonic.com

Did you enjoy this? Then you don’t wanna miss The Top 10 Sucky Things About Being Pregnant, The Sequel and especially The Top 10 Sucky Things About Being Married to a Pregnant Woman (by a very brave man).

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Comments

  1. Red Popsicle! I *feel* you. I’ve been there.

    April is a lovely time to have a kid. If birthing can ever be called lovely.

  2. HA! Hitching up my pants is a time consuming hobby. Love reading your blog.. it must be something about being five months pregnant that makes you write a list, I did the same thing http://excitementontheside.com/2011/08/05/cha-cha-cha/

    I am a lazy blog reader and read via an RSS feed so I don’t comment as often as I like, but I will be back. 🙂

  3. Cayce Collins says:

    This is hysterical! So, so, so true. I often cried because I wasn’t sure I really wanted to have a baby. Haha! A little late, when you’re 6 months pregnant. Its so weird, though, because I can’t IMAGINE not having him now, and it’s like he’s always been here. Hormones are a cruel bitch.

  4. Oh GOD that was a funny list! I feel like I almost recovered from the pregnancy-sneeze-pees, but even 20 months later, I’m still scared of it. Even though it is, like you say, just a tad.

    My old due date was April 12! I highly recommend birthing around then. The weather is so nice. I think I went full bikini the week of but didn’t get in any kind of water. I just bathed in the sun like a turtle. But mind you, I live in Austin.

  5. hahaha! That’s amazing! As I wipe tears from my eyes, I’m feeling you about the bikini line. And right at a time when the wide world is about to get an up close and personal view!

    • I was foolish enough when pregnant with my first one that I thought I’d just beebop down and get a full brazilian wax before I gave birth. Just so it would be all nice and clean for everyone in the delivery room. HA! On so many levels.

  6. So been there – “this shit is glamorous” sums it up perfectly! I can’t believe I already forgot about the annoyance of constantly hitching up maternity pants – I’m hoping to put the pee-sneeze behind me someday, as well.

  7. “Impromptu sneezes” are the worst! Sadly, even after pregnancy ends…why, oh why, must I find myself looking wistfully at the Depends commercials? Here’s hoping 4/13 comes quickly!

  8. The best response when people ask you “What are you having?” is to say “a puppy.” My husband did this in all seriousness a few times and it was so great to see the reactions of people -of course it will probably result in laughing which falls under the number 1 issue but it’s worth it.

  9. Oh, this is so awesome! Funny with a touch of spot-on honesty. Love it! Erin

  10. Yes, that is a great T-shirt idea. If only I had one of those back when.

  11. Your list was great! My top two would have been, “No more unlimited strong cups of coffee,” and “No more unlimited strong drinks–or any alcholic drinks.” That part BLEW! 🙂

  12. Normal person says:

    As a normal guy and seeing that loads of pregnant women have commented – maybe it’s best people didn’t give a shit about you and just ignored you? Treat you as normal people? Then you would all be on here complaining that you aren’t being treated special enough. Eugh.

  13. Brianna says:

    I love the list! I am 8 mos pregnant and it takes me several tries in the morning to get my panties on. They get stuck on my toes and then I almost fall. Another glamour moment for the list

  14. LOVED this. I can identify with a lot of these, especially the one about the morning sickness-potty-puke incident. It hasn’t quite happened to me yet, but I sure have gotten close. Fun times. :/

  15. I loved reading this. I never really enjoyed being pregnant for many of the reasons you listed. But if you tell that to people they look at you like you are crazy. Glad to know I am not alone.

  16. On the tee I would put friday the 13th just to make them wonder! Lol love your insight!

  17. Christine W says:

    You missed having hemorrhoids the size of grapes. …or having to use stool softeners, leaking pee when you sneeze, and heartburn.

  18. No one ever told me about what comes along with being pregnant! Why aren’t we talking about this? I’m so glad you wrote this. My hubby looked at me like I was insane because I was devastated that my burger had onions. I totally freaked and yelled, “Why can’t they make it right?!” He said just pick them off but it wasn’t the same. I had many more crying spells and the nausea was just awful the whole pregnancy. I’m not to the potty training stage yet with my son but I’m not looking forward to it.

    • Yeah, those hormones send the emotions into high gear and unfortunately, they don’t necessarily even line up with reality. But oh well. Hubs needs to experience all the crying jags…it’s just good preparation for when the baby arrives.

  19. I dripped every food i ate all over myself….it was a dark time.

  20. OMG! You brought back so many memories. It’s been 21 years for me, but your blog brought it back like it was yesterday. Thanks for the laugh.

Trackbacks

  1. […] The Top 10 Sucky Things About Being Pregnant by Toulouse and Tonic — Suzanne has a lightning wit and an honesty that makes you hide behind the couch, especially if you’re a dad. Check out some of her other lists like, 10 Signs Your Husband Is Way Too Comfortable With You (we scored 9 out of 10!) and The Top 15 Lies Men Tell Themselves (um, no comment) […]

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The Top 10 Sucky Things About Being Pregnant

I haven’t been pregnant in more than 2 years (ahem, thank goodness with how this one went down), yet this is still one of my most popular posts.  I guess it’s all you women who, despite all these sucky things about being pregnant, keep doing it again and again and again.  ; )  Sooo, I thought I’d share it again today.  I hope you enjoy.

10 sucky things about being pregnant

www.toulouseandtonic.com

1. I can no longer enjoy a hearty laugh or even experience an impromptu sneeze without peeing myself a smidge.  I’m inventing Depend’s EasyFit PREGNANCY SLIMS for those of us who wet ourselves just a tad throughout the day.

slim-sized depend's adult diapers for pregnancy pees2. The dead-of-night surprise of sudden foot cramps so painful I shoot out of bed from a deep sleep and start hopping around on one foot while holding the other and yelping, “Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch” like a cartoon character. Somehow hubs sleeps right through this drama every time. Which just makes me want to poke him awake and then say, “Man, those cramps are rough. Sorry I woke you.”

3. Suddenly having my early pregnancy nausea change its mind and return after leaving for 2 months. Last week, Asher, who is extremely attached to his little frog potty and refuses to use a regular toilet while at home, both peed and pooped in the little potty, making a delightful poopy soup. I started gagging as soon as I picked it up and once I’d deposited it in the big potty, I threw up on top of it. This shit is glamorous.

4. Hitching up my stretchy waist-band pregnancy pants ALL DAY LONG. I sit then stand — I pull them back up. I walk 4 steps, somehow causing them to work their way down my hips a couple of inches — I pull them back up. All day long, yank, yank, yank, yank, hitch, hitch, hitch, hitch.  Bitch, bitch, bitch.  I think I may just go full mu-mu for the remainder of my pregnancy.

giant pregnancy rock5. Boobs so big that there is no bra in existence that can handle them. I’m thinking of hiring a couple of midgets to carry them around for me all day. I don’t mean to offend little people, but clearly there’s a (lack of) height requirement, and kids can’t do the job because of those pesky child labor laws.

6. Areolas the size of silver dollar pancakes. Without any exaggeration.  Yummmmm.

7. The inability to see anything under my belly, most regrettably, my bikini line. I grab the razor, shave blindly, and bravely hope for intact labia.

8. A recently acquired inability to sleep through the night, which I’m sure is an indication of the future sleeping disposition of the child I’m carrying. I toss and turn all night — no easy feat with a big belly and a giant body pillow. And then there’s the handy internal hormonal alarm clock which goes off every morning around 5am and refuses to shut off or even snooze for 4 minutes. Just what everyone welcomes with great joy — an already cranky, hormonal pregnant woman who’s added bitchy blobzilla to her resume because she can’t freaking sleep.

red_popsicle_t_shirt9. Tears, nay — crying jags, that appear out of nowhere for beyond ridiculous reasons. With my first pregnancy, my husband caught me hiding in the kitchen with the water running at full blast to cover the jagged breaths and wails of a complete meltdown. When he asked me what was wrong, I said — no kidding — “I dripped red popsicle on my shirt.” A few weeks ago, I started blubbering while watching an episode of “Dance Moms.”  A show I am so mortified to admit I watched that I feel like crying again right now.

10. Well-meaning strangers, usually in the check-out line at the grocery store or Target, who all ask the same questions. “When are you due?” Followed by, “Is it a boy or a girl?” Followed by “What are you going to name him?” And then proceed to reach out and try to rub my belly.

I swear, this time I’m having a t-shirt made that says:

www.toulouseandtonic.com

www.toulouseandtonic.com

Did you enjoy this? Then you don’t wanna miss The Top 10 Sucky Things About Being Pregnant, The Sequel and especially The Top 10 Sucky Things About Being Married to a Pregnant Woman (by a very brave man).

Follow by popping your email address in the subscribe box below and never miss out. You’ll get new posts in your inbox (1-3 per week) and no spam ever.

Want more great stuff? Follow me on pinterest. Visit Toulouse and Tonic’s profile on Pinterest.

  1. Ninja Mom says:

    Red Popsicle! I *feel* you. I’ve been there.

    April is a lovely time to have a kid. If birthing can ever be called lovely.

  2. Kelly says:

    HA! Hitching up my pants is a time consuming hobby. Love reading your blog.. it must be something about being five months pregnant that makes you write a list, I did the same thing http://excitementontheside.com/2011/08/05/cha-cha-cha/

    I am a lazy blog reader and read via an RSS feed so I don’t comment as often as I like, but I will be back. 🙂

    1. toulouse says:

      Loved it! Thanks for sharing.

  3. Cayce Collins says:

    This is hysterical! So, so, so true. I often cried because I wasn’t sure I really wanted to have a baby. Haha! A little late, when you’re 6 months pregnant. Its so weird, though, because I can’t IMAGINE not having him now, and it’s like he’s always been here. Hormones are a cruel bitch.

    1. toulouse says:

      I am so glad to know I’m not the only one who feels that way. But as you said, 5 months along is a little too late to change your mind.

  4. Oh GOD that was a funny list! I feel like I almost recovered from the pregnancy-sneeze-pees, but even 20 months later, I’m still scared of it. Even though it is, like you say, just a tad.

    My old due date was April 12! I highly recommend birthing around then. The weather is so nice. I think I went full bikini the week of but didn’t get in any kind of water. I just bathed in the sun like a turtle. But mind you, I live in Austin.

  5. Alyssa says:

    hahaha! That’s amazing! As I wipe tears from my eyes, I’m feeling you about the bikini line. And right at a time when the wide world is about to get an up close and personal view!

    1. ashersmom says:

      I was foolish enough when pregnant with my first one that I thought I’d just beebop down and get a full brazilian wax before I gave birth. Just so it would be all nice and clean for everyone in the delivery room. HA! On so many levels.

  6. So been there – “this shit is glamorous” sums it up perfectly! I can’t believe I already forgot about the annoyance of constantly hitching up maternity pants – I’m hoping to put the pee-sneeze behind me someday, as well.

  7. Meredith says:

    “Impromptu sneezes” are the worst! Sadly, even after pregnancy ends…why, oh why, must I find myself looking wistfully at the Depends commercials? Here’s hoping 4/13 comes quickly!

  8. Tabitha says:

    The best response when people ask you “What are you having?” is to say “a puppy.” My husband did this in all seriousness a few times and it was so great to see the reactions of people -of course it will probably result in laughing which falls under the number 1 issue but it’s worth it.

    1. ashersmom says:

      Nice. I wasn’t so quick when I was pregnant so I just got irritated without being able to think of anything funny to say.

      1. Stephanie says:

        I’ve alternately been telling people it’s a Hobbit, a velociraptor, a yeti and a kraken.

        1. ashersmom says:

          Creative, Stephanie!

        2. I’m pregnant with our last and we’re calling this one The Kraken until delivery. 🙂

  9. Oh, this is so awesome! Funny with a touch of spot-on honesty. Love it! Erin

    1. ashersmom says:

      Yep, every single one of those things happened. I just LOVE a good uncomfortable laugh, don’t you?

  10. Mercy says:

    Yes, that is a great T-shirt idea. If only I had one of those back when.

    1. ashersmom says:

      I know. Missed out on the first pregnancy but at least it taught me for the 2nd one!

  11. Shay says:

    Your list was great! My top two would have been, “No more unlimited strong cups of coffee,” and “No more unlimited strong drinks–or any alcholic drinks.” That part BLEW! 🙂

  12. Normal person says:

    As a normal guy and seeing that loads of pregnant women have commented – maybe it’s best people didn’t give a shit about you and just ignored you? Treat you as normal people? Then you would all be on here complaining that you aren’t being treated special enough. Eugh.

  13. Brianna says:

    I love the list! I am 8 mos pregnant and it takes me several tries in the morning to get my panties on. They get stuck on my toes and then I almost fall. Another glamour moment for the list

  14. Lauren says:

    LOVED this. I can identify with a lot of these, especially the one about the morning sickness-potty-puke incident. It hasn’t quite happened to me yet, but I sure have gotten close. Fun times. :/

  15. Tina says:

    I loved reading this. I never really enjoyed being pregnant for many of the reasons you listed. But if you tell that to people they look at you like you are crazy. Glad to know I am not alone.

  16. Casey Duer says:

    On the tee I would put friday the 13th just to make them wonder! Lol love your insight!

  17. Christine W says:

    You missed having hemorrhoids the size of grapes. …or having to use stool softeners, leaking pee when you sneeze, and heartburn.

    1. Toulouse says:

      Oh those hemorrhoids. Those horrid, horrid hemorrhoids.

  18. Melody says:

    No one ever told me about what comes along with being pregnant! Why aren’t we talking about this? I’m so glad you wrote this. My hubby looked at me like I was insane because I was devastated that my burger had onions. I totally freaked and yelled, “Why can’t they make it right?!” He said just pick them off but it wasn’t the same. I had many more crying spells and the nausea was just awful the whole pregnancy. I’m not to the potty training stage yet with my son but I’m not looking forward to it.

    1. Toulouse says:

      Yeah, those hormones send the emotions into high gear and unfortunately, they don’t necessarily even line up with reality. But oh well. Hubs needs to experience all the crying jags…it’s just good preparation for when the baby arrives.

  19. I dripped every food i ate all over myself….it was a dark time.

    1. Toulouse says:

      It was a dark time for me because I wore only dark clothes. It helps with the stains, only because you can’t see them.

  20. mellanie says:

    OMG! You brought back so many memories. It’s been 21 years for me, but your blog brought it back like it was yesterday. Thanks for the laugh.

Speak Your Mind

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We're parenting. And we're laughing. Because it's better than crying.

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