On Tuesday, after having some real sour cream and realizing I’d been lying to myself for a decade about the low-fat stuff, I wrote THE TOP LIES WOMEN TELL THEMSELVES.
Now it’s time to turn the tables.
Because men do it too, baby.
So here are The Top 15 Lies Men Tell Themselves.
1. I can totally fix the toilet myself.
2. Buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
3. I need the Magnum condoms.
4. I could beat that guy’s ass.
5. I’m the best sex she’s ever had.
6. I look just like I did in high school.
7. She definitely came. Maybe twice.
8. This comb-over is fooling everybody.
9. My old Levis are still in style.
10. I look cool with my baseball cap turned backwards.
11. This untucked shirt totally hides my beer belly.
12. I didn’t get screwed by that mechanic.
13. All lesbians secretly wanna have a threesome with me.
14. Chicks dig giving blow-jobs.
15. His girlfriend totally wants me.
You’ll notice that the top 20 lies women tell themselves are disproportionately about things that go into women’s bodies. And so are the men’s.
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I just have to say – this is really funny. Especially the part about fixing the toilet and the comb-over. My husband tried to fix the toilet once. I heard lots of swearing to get it done. He also tried to change the oil once. I made popcorn. Now I need to go check out the woman lies!
Stacy Harris recently posted…Wordless Wednesday: On Top Of The World
I love that you made popcorn. You know good entertainment when you see it!
Great list and you can add my all time favorite right from my own husband’s mouth, “The washer machine keeps shrinking my shirts!!” Granted he is only joking and does realize he put on a few pounds, but love hearing this over and over, lol!!
Janine Huldie recently posted…“Scooch”: It is a Word I Swear!!
That washing machine and dryer! They shrink our jeans and they shrink our husband’s shirts! Maybe we should stop using them? NAH!
lol….being a guy I admit most of them!! I can related myself with beer belly
Great list actually and it made me laugh and I also referred my wife to it
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Thanks for being such a good sport! And for sending it to your wife! Happy to have you both here!
I loved every one of these! We women could take a note from the fellas in the self-confidence department.
Amy recently posted…Crock Pot Thursday: Chicken in Honey Sauce
You’re so right. All of ours are about doubt and all of theirs are about rocking!
That last line made me spit out my food!
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: )
XOXO
That is one fancy toilet seat. Never quite seen anything like it (but I’m guessing it’s not actually yours – I could be wrong though). Great list.
One Funny Motha recently posted…10 Things* My Husband Doesn’t Know About Me
Oh yes, that’s mine. I like a different theme in every bathroom. The guest bath’s theme is the movie “Friday.” Don’t anybody go in there for 20-30 minutes!
Definitely up top!
Love this list. My husband can actually fix the toilet, ’cause he’s a plumber, but everything else is pretty much dead on!
Kerstin @ Auer Life recently posted…Life in General
Even mine admits to these. As a matter of fact, he helped with a couple of them. Good man, that!
Awesome list! Although one of them wasn’t a lie for me…
Azara recently posted…Advice for the guys
Of course not. NONE of them are lies for any of us. Clearly!
Just to leaven things a bit :-D.
On the condoms. It isn’t the size of the whole but the choking with the ring. We aren’t stupid. We know the thing stretches.
On the loo fixing. Well yes, some of us can fix it, most of us probably. But then I’ve had girlfriends that ‘believed’ they could cook who shouldn’t be allowed near a heat source more complex than an electric blanket.
On 15, we rarely think of another fellows squeeze beyond ‘he’s lucky’. We’re actually a bit stupid in that way since we truly don’t know and for the most part care what women are thinking.
On 14, blow jobs, I cannot speak for all men but whenever a woman heads in that direction I stop her. For apples sake I kiss that mouth.
Lesbians needing a good ‘seeing to’ in order to correct their ‘error’. Meah, frankly again men just don’t care, not really.
12, we know we’ll be done in some way by the mechanic. Our hope is we know enough that it forced him/her to become creative and not act upon some rube.
8,9,10,11; Our actions in the clothing department are habit, not designed. We buy the old fashioned jeans because we’ve always done so since the time they were in fashion. Why do we continue to buy tight underpants long after we know they are utterly uncomfortable. That’s also why so few of us go to a doctor. We don’t think our bodies are something viewed, as viewing.
We don’t see women ‘coming’ as a win.( Where there is a defeat.) If anything it’s like handing someone a present. If the recipient gets true joy from getting the gift, it makes the giving all the more pleasurable. But there isn’t a whole hell of a lot the giver can do about it if there is disappointment where the recipient asks for the shop receipt.
NO ONE thinks high school was a good time in the looks department. And quite frankly it tends to be in that period between our mothers buying our clothes and buying uniforms. It displays our colourblindness and utter lack of taste. And anyway the very few guys that look good at highschool don’t usually flower afterwards. But it tends to be women who feel the apex of looks was about 19.
I love hearing your perspective but I KNOW you’re not American by your counterpoints. Most American men cannot fix the loo, will never stop a girl who’s heading down below, and definitely dream that every lesbian couple they see secretly wants to do them at the same time. They also think they were hot in high school. Will you be available for lessons perhaps?
All so funny. Quite a few apply to boyfriend of mine. Except the condom one. Regular condoms really are too tight at the bottom, so the difference between regular and large condoms is pretty noticeable during the deed.
Well, thanks for sharing. And congratulations, girl!
Hm, I’d say this list is probably fairly accurate, if you modify the title to “Men in their twenties”…who are still really boys anyway. Age, patience, comfort in one’s own skin and regular exercise evolve most men beyond needing to care about these “lies” you’re so sure we tell ourselves.
I assume you write from experience, so I suppose I’d just like to say….sorry to hear it.