Staying at home with kids all day long is one of the fastest ways to go effing crazy. Most days, I exhaust every last iota of my mental, emotional and physical capacity AT LEAST an hour before my husband is due home from work. Which means I’m counting every single second until he walks through that door so I can hand off the unrelenting needs of my precious children and go into the bathroom to bang my head against the toilet bowl.
Unfortunately, my husband has a very loose relationship with time. He just doesn’t see the difference between 6:30 (his planned leave time) and 6:50 (more like his actual leave time — on a good day).
Duh! 20 minutes of multiply combustive hell.
Late afternoon/early evening is the witching hour for little kids. Suddenly they hear some siren call and start seething like zombies and climbing the curtains. Couple that with a mom who’s already used up everything she has to give and is ticking off every single second after he’s due home but not there, muttering “Where IS your father? I’m gonna kill him with my bare hands. Where the hell is that murfur…?” under her breath, periodically looking out the front door, not seeing his car, going back to answering the calls of mommy, mommy, mommy and becoming a ticking time bomb.
Not that that’s ever happened to me.
So in the interest of mom’s sanity, which — let’s be honest — is the basis for the entire family’s sanity, I suggest you get really, really creative in your attempts to get your husband (parter, lover, wife) home from the office on time.
If, like in my situation, common strategies don’t work for you, may I present
THE TOP TEN WAYS TO GET YOUR HUSBAND TO LEAVE WORK ON TIME.
1. While he’s in the shower in the morning, set the alarm on his phone to go off at 5:00, 5:01, 5:02, 5:03, 5:04…
2. Send him an email or text in the late afternoon. Be sure to use the word “STABBY” at least once, preferably twice.
3. Set off your house alarm. After you’re sure the alarm company has alerted hubs, let them know it’s a false alarm. Don’t tell hubby and don’t answer his calls.
4. Put one golf club out on the lawn for every 5 minutes he’s late. Text him photos. (This suggestion works with anything he loves that comes in PIECES like drum sets, prize baseball cards, workout equipment…which also makes it useful weekly).
6. Have a male friend “accidentally” send him a text saying, “Be there at 5:00pm. What time does your husband get home?”
7. Put on a piece of lingerie you haven’t worn since your honeymoon. Take a picture of your ass. Text it to him along with the message, “The kids are asleep. Come and get it.” When he gets home, tell him they just woke up and go take a bubble bath alone.
8. Deposit your kids with the receptionist at his office. Pin his name to their shirts, wait until she’s on the phone, then whisper something about an emergency and run out.
9. Call him to say your car is broken down in the Baskin Robbins parking lot. Unplug the battery. Go inside and have some ice cream.
10. Tell your husband a friend suddenly got free tickets to the big game or a concert or a monster truck rally or a cock-fight that night and if he makes it to their house by 5:00 and not a minute later, one of them is his. Make sure that friend is out of town. When he gets there, he’ll assume he was too late and come home.
If you use my tried and true methods for getting your husband (or whomever you’re waiting for while you take care of the critters all day) out of the office on time, I can’t guarantee he’ll be in a good mood when he gets home but, ya know, who cares? That’s your kids’ problem.
Now it’s up to you. Since my husband’s getting wise to all my methods, I need some new tricks. Share your most creative ideas with me. Come on, SPILL!