5 Perfect Punishments for Slapping Someone Else’s Child.

“Joe Rickey” woke up on the wrong side of the bed the morning of February 8. Luckily, he was taking a flight to Atlanta in a few hours, which meant he was getting DRUNK!!! He headed to the airport for a little pre-partying.slap2

A couple of hours later, old Joe Rickey was still knocking back the old potato juice but not nearly as happy as he’d been in the airport bar. Now he was wedged into a seat next to a whiney, squiggly 19-month-old traveling on his momma’s lap. Finally, Joe Rickey could take no more so he did what any good, drunk, kid-hating racist would — he told the white mother to control her “n—-r” child and then slapped the tot in the face.

There are a lot of things I don’t know about this whole scenario but one thing I do know:  that kid’s adoptive mother possesses more restraint in her pinky finger than I have in my entire body, because I would’ve MAULED this guy like a rabid bear. Instantly. Someone would’ve had to have picked up my toddler out of the aisle because I’d have been on that geezer like a redneck girl in a bar fight.  Before even a second passed.  With the I-don’t-give-a-shit passion of a honey badger.

I do understand that going all Romani Gypsy on the guy would’ve accomplished nothing except getting my ass in an up-close, personal relationship with an air marshal but I wouldn’t have been able to control myself if I’d seen someone slap my child.

You do not touch my kid.

Not Joe Rickey.

Not anyone.

In order to work through the incredible rage I felt after hearing this story, I decided to dream up the perfect punishments for this guy and anyone else who thinks it’s okay to slap someone else’s kid.

Your honor, please take these into consideration:

  • Sentence him to one year in a daycare center with a ratio of 1 teacher to every 40 kids.  He must be in the center of the main play room bound and gagged and covered in lollipops, gummy bears and Elmo stickers the entire time.
  • On the weekends for the next 20 years, he must show up at the largest gym in his area and serve as the punching bag for the “Mommy’s Kickboxing” training classes.  He may not wear a helmet.  Or a cup.
  • For the remainder of his life, Joe Rickey is the new janitor at his local Chuck E. Cheese, specifically charged with cleaning pee out of ball pits, germs off of game-controls and regurgitated birthday cake out of the well-worn carpet.  With his tongue.
  • Until infinity, said perpetrator will be required to rotate daily to the home of a SAHM just prior to the dinner hour and with his hands bound, help her prepare dinner for 5 people who all eat different things while simultaneously helping a kindergartner and a 2nd-grader with homework that is all above his head, finding a missing Barbie head before a 3-year-old princess goes postal, letting the dogs in and out 24 times, and having every one of his senses tested by an angry, exhausted, frustrated mom when she finds out her husband still hasn’t left work 45 minutes after he was supposed to.
  • For at least 6 hours per day for life, assailant shall be placed in a highly pressurized chamber with an induced double ear infection while an enraged group of PMS-ing women take turns slapping him in the face while simultaneously telling him not to fuss.  (a fantastic suggestion from my friend, Frugie).

Judging by the reaction on my facebook page, I’m not the only mom enraged by this guy’s actions.  I’d just LOVE to hear any punishments you can dream up!

Just a few things before I go.  This past week, some really exciting things happened that I want to share with you.  The first thing, you probably know about since I nagged and begged you and drove you crazy to vote.  And YOU DID IT!  Toulouse & Tonic was named one of the Top 25 Funny Moms for 2013 on Circle of Moms!  I’m rarely at a loss for words but I can’t think of any that truly express the depths of my gratitude.  So I’ll just say thank you and I’ll work really hard to write funny stuff to entertain you in return.

The other exciting thing that happened…really, it’s no big deal…just the fulfillment of a dream I’ve had since I was 3. One of my stories was selected to be in a humor anthology coming out in April. Yes, a real book. I’m finally gonna be a published author!!! I’m over the moon about it and just ecstatic to be in the company of the 35+ other writers selected.

In fact, they’re so impressive, I thought I’d share a few of them with you now.
Check out these hilarious posts as a preview:

From You’re My Favorite Today — Parents of Small Children Gather Round, in which she reveals what evil person invented birthday party goodie bags and also backs up my hatred for playing Candyland.

From RachRiot — Eye Caramba in which she manages to work the movie “Ice Castles” into a funny story about trying to work out and ending up with an eye injury.

And from Baby Sideburns, who just TORE UP the COM  Top 25 Funny Moms contest ending up in #1 by a pretty decent landslide — the post that deservedly took her viral.  Calliou Sucks So Bad.

Okay, gotta go dream up more hideous ways to punish a person who might someday slap my kid but probably wouldn’t because he’d see the look on my face and know that he would no longer have testicles about 2 seconds after he chose to place his hands on my child.  This applies to “shes” too by the way.  I’ll find your she-testicles and feed them to you, don’t tempt me.

I also had the flu this week and could barely get outta bed so it’s possibly I’m delirious right now.

Okay, so what was I talking about?
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  1. You’re much nicer than I am. I would’ve left nothing behind of his sorry *** to be found!

    Do. Not. Touch. My. Child. Unless, of course, you actually want to die in a ridiculously painful manner!

  2. You said it perfectly and my favorite was the Chuck E Cheese variation. Awesome and that guy truly deserves everything he has coming to him!! No one and I mean no one would get away with laying a hand on my baby either. Enough said!!

  3. This is so damn awesome in every way. Seriously, that mother deserves a medal. And all the cocktails that jackhole consumed before boarding that plane.

  4. Yes I agree, hitting anyone, child or otherwise is totally wrong. But here we don’t know if he did anything beyond asking the mother to hush the child and the mother took profound offense and accused the man of assault and racist language.
    That newspaper article is unbelievable careful in how they are reporting this. Far more careful than you’d normally expect from something where you’ve a raft of witnesses in the departure lounge and on the flight. This is qualified with legal language with each and every clause and statement throughout the article. Given your Bill of Rights protection on reporting, honest reporting. Where if the writer has honest belief and checked facts, can pretty much say what they like. The way this is written is odd in the extreme.

  5. I think your punishments are too good for the guy! I almost fainted just reading the title of your post!!!! I remember wanting to bite back the kid (just another little toddler) who bit my first baby so I don’t know what I would do if an adult actually hit my kid. I agree that mom must have an awful lot of restraint!!

    Congratulations on all your amazing news!! You know what a big fan of your work I am. I am thrilled for your very well earned success and wish you so much more!! xo

    • Once you become a mom, there’s a protectiveness you never knew was inside of you. I’ve had that urge to bite or hit or push down a kid who hurt mine. Of course, I control myself. Let’s just hope as they get bigger, I can continue.
      And thank you so much! It’s pretty exciting. All of your (and Bonbon Break’s) support has meant so much!

  6. Yes, this. All of it. But, I would add that he has to be woken up at least once a night by either a screaming toddler or a puking preschooler. Tied to his bed of course, and maybe the preschooler is next to him with no bowl for the puke to land in.

  7. I say we go for all 5 – consecutively! What a poor excuse for a human being.

  8. Your punishments are way too good for this guy. Who gets drunk in the MORNING and feels it’s acceptable to slap other people’s kids? How drunk do you have to be? That mother is a SAINT.

  9. Perfect punishments. Especially the Chuck E. Cheese one. I also might like to see him strapped down naked while millions of cockroaches are released to burrow into his body cavities. Doesn’t have a kid related theme, but I’d still like to see it.

  10. I can only growl angry mumbo-jumbo about this whole baby-slapping thing. I’m THAT blown away by it.

  11. I say that we stick him on a plane, next to screaming quadruplets simultaneously shooting snot rockets at his head. Oh and he would be strapped down and gagged. Then bitch slapped each time he tried to look away. Yeah. I like that.

  12. Terri Terzini-Minichillo says:

    Slapping a child in the face is one offense; the other is slapping someone’s child. ;(

  13. I cannot even imagine someone slapping, hitting, leering, yelling or doing anything else to my child, but I too, would have gone batshit redneck crazy on his ass. I loved the punishments you listed, and think he should have to do them all…I am pleased his company fired him and I truly hope he doesn’t have any small children in his life because they are in danger. Thanks for a fabulous post!

  14. I’m outraged with a “I want to throttle that man” feeling!
    But all I can picture is that scene in Airplane, where all the passengers are lined up to slap/hit the one hysterical passenger. Yeah- I wish that had happened to him.

  15. I would have dragged his ass into the bathroom and locked him in for the rest of the flight. After I made sure that someone took an elephant sized crap in there. I am horrified on so many levels, but I will say this — he is lucky he didn’t meet this black mama that morning because regardless as to whether they served nuts on the plane, he would have been eating his.

  16. Oh, my. I am SOO with you on this. I too have been trying to figure out how that guy made it off the plane alive. You do not touch my kid. Or anyone else’s kid! I’d have slapped him back in the face, and then yelled for all the mothers on the plane to unite. That is just completely unacceptable. So well said.

  17. I love this article. I am wondering if the airline is not
    also culpable for continuing to Iserve him alcohol. I recently flew a short flight to help my daughter with two year old twins. People were unfailingly nice and helpful when the kids fussed. But I have seen a man get angry at a child once on an overseas flight. When he approached the seat of the mother and child other passengers immediately surrounded her. My favorite punishment suggestion was the guy who wanted immunity and 30 minutes with him. That would be my choice too!

  18. What an asshole. Not you–Joe Rickey. I just so happen to be an adoptive mother, and I just wrote a post about it. I was wondering when the right time to post it would be, and I think I just might schedule it in this week, thanks to your post giving me that little nudge. I’m glad I hopped over here. Thanks for the post!

  19. I wouldn’t have thought that such punishments existed, I have a good laugh but it does make sense. Quite brutal but that someone who slaps a kid deserves the entire suggested verdict. Or another option, slap him too…with a force like Pacman’s punch.

  20. I was equally enraged. I like the last punishment, and would LOVE to take my PMS induced rage out on this man. Also, congrats on the top 25! 🙂

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