“Joe Rickey” woke up on the wrong side of the bed the morning of February 8. Luckily, he was taking a flight to Atlanta in a few hours, which meant he was getting DRUNK!!! He headed to the airport for a little pre-partying.
A couple of hours later, old Joe Rickey was still knocking back the old potato juice but not nearly as happy as he’d been in the airport bar. Now he was wedged into a seat next to a whiney, squiggly 19-month-old traveling on his momma’s lap. Finally, Joe Rickey could take no more so he did what any good, drunk, kid-hating racist would — he told the white mother to control her “n—-r” child and then slapped the tot in the face.
There are a lot of things I don’t know about this whole scenario but one thing I do know: that kid’s adoptive mother possesses more restraint in her pinky finger than I have in my entire body, because I would’ve MAULED this guy like a rabid bear. Instantly. Someone would’ve had to have picked up my toddler out of the aisle because I’d have been on that geezer like a redneck girl in a bar fight. Before even a second passed. With the I-don’t-give-a-shit passion of a honey badger.
I do understand that going all Romani Gypsy on the guy would’ve accomplished nothing except getting my ass in an up-close, personal relationship with an air marshal but I wouldn’t have been able to control myself if I’d seen someone slap my child.
You do not touch my kid.
Not Joe Rickey.
In order to work through the incredible rage I felt after hearing this story, I decided to dream up the perfect punishments for this guy and anyone else who thinks it’s okay to slap someone else’s kid.
Your honor, please take these into consideration:
- Sentence him to one year in a daycare center with a ratio of 1 teacher to every 40 kids. He must be in the center of the main play room bound and gagged and covered in lollipops, gummy bears and Elmo stickers the entire time.
- On the weekends for the next 20 years, he must show up at the largest gym in his area and serve as the punching bag for the “Mommy’s Kickboxing” training classes. He may not wear a helmet. Or a cup.
- For the remainder of his life, Joe Rickey is the new janitor at his local Chuck E. Cheese, specifically charged with cleaning pee out of ball pits, germs off of game-controls and regurgitated birthday cake out of the well-worn carpet. With his tongue.
- Until infinity, said perpetrator will be required to rotate daily to the home of a SAHM just prior to the dinner hour and with his hands bound, help her prepare dinner for 5 people who all eat different things while simultaneously helping a kindergartner and a 2nd-grader with homework that is all above his head, finding a missing Barbie head before a 3-year-old princess goes postal, letting the dogs in and out 24 times, and having every one of his senses tested by an angry, exhausted, frustrated mom when she finds out her husband still hasn’t left work 45 minutes after he was supposed to.
- For at least 6 hours per day for life, assailant shall be placed in a highly pressurized chamber with an induced double ear infection while an enraged group of PMS-ing women take turns slapping him in the face while simultaneously telling him not to fuss. (a fantastic suggestion from my friend, Frugie).
Judging by the reaction on my facebook page, I’m not the only mom enraged by this guy’s actions. I’d just LOVE to hear any punishments you can dream up!
Just a few things before I go. This past week, some really exciting things happened that I want to share with you. The first thing, you probably know about since I nagged and begged you and drove you crazy to vote. And YOU DID IT! Toulouse & Tonic was named one of the Top 25 Funny Moms for 2013 on Circle of Moms! I’m rarely at a loss for words but I can’t think of any that truly express the depths of my gratitude. So I’ll just say thank you and I’ll work really hard to write funny stuff to entertain you in return.
The other exciting thing that happened…really, it’s no big deal…just the fulfillment of a dream I’ve had since I was 3. One of my stories was selected to be in a humor anthology coming out in April. Yes, a real book. I’m finally gonna be a published author!!! I’m over the moon about it and just ecstatic to be in the company of the 35+ other writers selected.
In fact, they’re so impressive, I thought I’d share a few of them with you now.
Check out these hilarious posts as a preview:
From You’re My Favorite Today — Parents of Small Children Gather Round, in which she reveals what evil person invented birthday party goodie bags and also backs up my hatred for playing Candyland.
From RachRiot — Eye Caramba in which she manages to work the movie “Ice Castles” into a funny story about trying to work out and ending up with an eye injury.
Okay, gotta go dream up more hideous ways to punish a person who might someday slap my kid but probably wouldn’t because he’d see the look on my face and know that he would no longer have testicles about 2 seconds after he chose to place his hands on my child. This applies to “shes” too by the way. I’ll find your she-testicles and feed them to you, don’t tempt me.
I also had the flu this week and could barely get outta bed so it’s possibly I’m delirious right now.