Disclaimer: This is a JOKE. Of course, I respect all medical personnel and would never put my saliva all over their tongue depressors or intentionally set off alarms on a blood pressure machine. Ask anyone.
My family had it a little rough in the medical arena in recent years. If you’re new here, you might want to click here. And here. And maybe here just to catch up.
Things have turned out amazingly well for us in the long run. The baby is 3 years old and 100% fine and dandy even after all that extended preemie drama.
But let’s just say that between my bed rest, his 2 1/2 month NICU stay and the subsequent doctor and therapy visits that sometimes numbered 7 per week (yes, that’s right…sometimes 2 doctor visits in one day), it was quite the challenge.
As you must be able to predict, I did a lot of waiting around. So I came up with 8 ways to entertain yourself at the doctor.
When I wasn’t holding my arm up as high as it would go tube-feeding the baby, or lifting him and his heart monitor onto a changing table in a cramped bathroom to relieve him of a dirty diaper, or twiddling my thumbs or moving from the main waiting room to the sub-waiting room to the exam room and then waiting some more, I developed these interesting ways to entertain myself.
Even though you may not be at the doctor 7 times per week, if you have kids, you’re there often enough. And you know what I’m saying when I talk about waiting.
About a month ago, I went to one of the baby’s doctors (and this is a specialist that’s very hard to get into so you just have to take what you get) and after driving 40 minutes to the office in time for my 9:30am appointment, sat in the waiting room with a squirmy baby until 12:45pm without even making it into an exam room. And then sat in the exam room until 1:30pm waiting on the doctor. And then barely got an apology. I’d had a 1-year-old climbing on me like a human jungle gym for 4 HOURS. He’d had no nap. He’d had very little food (since silly me thought we’d be home by lunch time from a 9:30am appt). So, yeah. I wasn’t amused. And the doctor could tell when he finally graced us with his presence.
So, because I think you should benefit from my extensive years-long research into the matter, I am here to teach you 8 creative (and totally inappropriate) ways to entertain yourself at the doctor while you wait. And wait. And wait. And. wait.
1. Learn how you could’ve made 1 Million Dollars. Back in 1987.
2. Guess how many tongue depressors are in the jar. Take them out and count them. If your guess was within 10 in either direction, you win. Lick them all then put them back in the jar.
3. Find reading materials that will inspire you to diet by making sure you never want to eat things like nuts or sausage ever ever ever again.
4. Run in place until you can’t breathe, then hook yourself up to the blood pressure machine and press go. See how long it takes for someone to finally enter the room.
5. Rate your spelling capabilities against those of the medical personnel in the office you’re visiting. If you find errors, circle them and write in the correct spelling with a pen from your purse. Then write, “Guess medical school doesn’t teach you everything, does it, dummy!”
6. Mess with the computer even though the sign says don’t mess with the computer. Cancel the doctor’s 4pm massage.
7. Make every hand gesture you can think of with vinyl exam gloves. Tape them up around the exam room. Pretend you don’t see anything unusual when the doctor enters the room.
8. Pretend you’re 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea. Announce “There She Blows!” to the doctor when she finally walks into the room.
I’ve shared with you my 8 tried and true (funny) ways to entertain yourself at the doctor. Try them. You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll laugh while you cry. And you’ll probably come up with some more. Please share them with me. I can only read so many magazines from 1987 before I get the yen to start wearing jellies again. And that would be, like, totally gnarly, dude.
If you like this post, you’ll probably like all the other silly things I say on Facebook all day long. Come hang out with me!
Wow. A poop chart? Who knew?
I love this! We are always trying to make the first appointment in the morning for the doc, but we still end up waiting. What are they DOING in there?? I’m convinced they’re all eating breakfast and catching up on daytime tv. Love all your pictures! The gloves are the best. You would be great at shadow puppets! Lol.
Ok, I seriously could have used this last week, when I took my 2 1/2 year old for a sick visit. We waited over and hour in the waiting room and then another 45 minutes in the exam room. And yes my darling daughter was climbing all over me like a jungle gym, cleaning their floor with her body and even farting to amuse herself. Way too long to wait with a small child to find out she didn’t have an ear infection, but just a cold.
And how did my daughter top this visit might you ask? Screaming the whole ride home, because the stickers the doctor’s office gave her for “being a good patient” wouldn’t come off the sticker roll. Let’s just say a jug of wine wouldn’t have calmed me after all of that!!
My daughter sees a digestive specialist and I got a laugh out of the poop chart, too. Ew, gross. Why do they have to give edible examples??
I visit the oncologist once a month, fortunately alone, and amuse myself by taking selfies with my phone, making sure I get plenty of background in each one (i.e., biohazard disposal box, blood pressure equipment). And I always, ALWAYS, get caught by that ninja doctor, who throws open the door with NO WARNING while I’m posing.
OK, so…all we need is a flux capacitor and a DeLorean and 1987, HERE WE COME.
The vinyl glove rock on made me laugh more than I think it should have. Something about vinyl hand protection that goes against the Rock On mentality and that made it perfectly perfect.
Really funny…and btw, I will never want the doc to use one of those tongue depressors on me or my kids ever again!
I have had to wait a few times in doctors office myself but I have never had so much fun! I love the way your mind works! Thank you, the next time I have to wait I will take your lead!
The way my mind works = I am always looking for something mischievous to do. Bet my teachers just loved to see me coming every day when I was in school.
I loved the tips, but what I loved most was your disclaimer at the top of the post. I have to do those ALL the time. They usually look something like this: “And if you think I really did that…perhaps you don’t understand my humor and should be READING A DIFFERENT BLOG.” Then I tell them–“Totally kidding! Think what you want. I will take all readers I get.” Hehe. Great post!
Unfortunately you sometimes have to let the “serious” people know up front that what’s about to go down is HUMOR. Amirite? ; )
My kiddos see several specialists, all of whom think their time is precious and ours is about as valuable as dirt. So I’ve decided my patience has a limit and my super-Mom abilities are finite: after two hours in the exam room waiting to see the doctor (this is after waiting in the actual waiting room), I allow my three year old to entertain himself by pushing the rolling stool up and down the hallways. Funny thing about this tactic…it usually results in a doctor coming in to see us within ten minutes. 😉
Back when I was single with no kids, I was in a car accident. My orthopedic surgeon was brilliant at the nuts and bolts (hah!) of his work, but had a wretched bedside manner. (Later on I met a woman that used to be one of his operating room nurses; she reported that she’d actually seen him throw a scalpel at a tech during surgery once when he got mad!).
Anyway, he was SO bad about long wait times that I took to simply turning out the lights in the exam room, laying down and taking a nap. I’d bring a blanket and everything. He only made a shitty comment about it once, before I told him that I couldn’t understand why he always made me wait so long (when he never spent more than 10 minutes on any appointments with me), but that if I was going to be required to wait so long for him, I was going to try and rest, since rest was – according to him – so vital to my recovery.
So those are my suggestions. Take a nap or let your toddler play stool derby in the hallway. 🙂
See, now my doctor visits are just all about me. And being focused on the fact that they’ve put me in a paper gown way too early, so now all I have to do is sit and notice that my toenails need painting or my legs could use a shave.
Four hours? That’s (overused word) epic.
Honestly, I don’t mind the doctor appts that are all about me because even if I have to have something shoved up my hoo ha, at least I am ALONE and can read a magazine without interruptions every 4 seconds.