Mom shaming
I gotta warn you — this time it’s personal.
Last week’s mom shaming trend was a little controversial on the internets.
A friend got the trend started (Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva – her current post features a load of mom-shamers) and then a bunch of other hilarious and honest women carried it on. You can even add your own mom shaming photo on Blogging While Mom’s facebook page.
Personally, I got almost all positive comments, except for the chick who repinned my shaming photo with the comment, “This is do dumb.”
That typo belongs to her, btw, so which one of us is more dumber? ; )
A great many of the people I heard from said that I made them pee themselves laughing, which makes me pretty happy. Clearly most of the stuff I do is humor, so laughing is good.
Peeing yourself, however, is not good. I suggest you get on those kegels.
But the message that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and not because of the half-bottle of wine I’d consumed, but because it so closely ties with the “mission” of my blog in the first place is this one:
Hey, would you be okay with me sharing the photo you put up where you mention your first night out without the baby? I only want to do it with your permission, but it really struck a chord with me. It was one of the most honest expressions of our humanity in parenthood I have ever seen. I am so proud of you for your brutal honesty and bravery. We are *never* the paragons we are told we should be. We are people! Hope you and the family are well!
Yeah.
What Steve said.
Because he really got it. It’s about more than having a laugh.
I’m so grateful that Steve took the time to send me his thoughts because let me tell you folks, whatever you think of my “mom shaming” moment, it took a lot of guts for me to do that.
When I started this blog over 2 years ago (ugh, don’t look back, it’s not pretty. I actually posted recipes at one time…do dumb), it was out of frustration born from 2 main things:
1. I had been a career person all of my life and now I was stuck home all day long with a toddler whose unrelenting needs sent me searching for a satisfying creative outlet that didn’t involve making my own baby food. I love him (and his brother now) more than life itself, but I needed something for me.
2. I was suddenly a SAHM in a new city with no friends. And certainly no friends with kids. I had never been particularly close with a single SAHM mom EVER. The fantasy photo in my head about what it would be like to be a SAHM was off. Understatement of the decade. I was depressed about how hard, unrelenting and stressful it was and how isolated I felt and mostly, about how TOGETHER other moms seemed when I saw them out with their kids. I thought they knew something that I didn’t know. Or that they were way better mothers than I was. Eventually, I figured out that THIS WAS BULLSHIT. And I decided to talk about it freely. In public. And on the internet. Where everyone could see it.
But mostly where YOU could see it, if you’re a mom, and you think everyone’s getting it right but you. And you think you might be crazy, or bad at this really, really important job.
I think we have to be honest about motherhood. To acknowledge that we’re all dealing with pretty much the same crap — even those moms who don’t want to talk about it in public.
There will be many times when you’re elbow-deep in someone else’s poop, with “mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy” ringing in your ears all day long, and spit-up on the shirt you’ve had on for 3 days running, feeling alone, crazy and like you suck at the job at which you work so hard for 24 hours a day.
And you will make mistakes. Big ones and little ones.
But it’s not just you. It’s really, so very, not just you.
And that is why I mom-shamed, even though I was afraid.
It wasn’t even close to the first time I sat here in front of my computer, knowing that I needed to be completely honest with my writing, even though I was scared, even though what I was writing might make me look bad to the other parents at my kid’s school, to my family, or peeve off someone I know.
But each time, I remind myself of why I started this, and why it’s important to me, and I take a deep breath, ignore the butterflies in my stomach and hit publish.
No post exemplifies that more than my mommy shaming post.
However you look at it, it was an act of bravery.
I am an imperfect mom.
I screw up.
I’m human.
And I’m still a really good mom.
I bet you mess up too.
And I hope you feel just a little bit better about it.
I really, really do.
If you enjoy mom shaming, check out Mommy Shorts baby shaming.
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Way to go, Steve! You are do awesome!
Seriously, though, I love this. I’ve been following this on FB. I have so many moments of shame I have started blocking them all out! (yay wine!)
Steve gets my 2nd dad-of-the-year vote! Thanks, Elaine. It’s really awesome to have support.
This made me cry, which makes me feel do dumb but I can’t help it. This is exactly why – why the mom shaming, why the blogging, why the publishing even when we’re scared. Not everybody gets it, I guess, or they’re just too repressed in a big raging ball of denial to admit it, but lots of people do get it. Lots and lots. And they do feel better (at least I do). 🙂
And now you’ve made me cry. Because I really need to know someone GETS IT. Thank you so much. : )
Sing it sister. When my kids were little I felt the same Exact way only I wasn’t in a place to write about it. I was depressed, in a new town w/o friends, no family to help, my career & education wasted, living in isolation with a very demanding and ungrateful little kid. That’s why I so related to your piece about getting your husband to leave work on time. You feel like you are going to die if you have to spend one more minute alone in the house w/ a very self-absorbed baby. You feel like it’s never going to change. I kept busy & joined all sorts of mom groups but that just chipped away at a fraction of the endless time at home. And being around other moms only seemed to make me feel more isolated. No one seemed to share the same feelings I had. Even now I feel different, but at least I have the perspective to not care. And it’s about time to say it’s ok to feel the way we do. We need to be free to be you and me.
Amen. It’s a whole other experience when you’re alone with no family and no friends, isn’t it? I keep telling people who have family around that they have NO IDEA!
Exaaaaactly! We all have “mom-shamey” moments (days? weeks?), but we’re not all brave enough to “mom shame”. Good work, lady!
Thanks, babe. It’s not often you get a pat on the back for shaming yourself so I’ll take it!
“I was suddenly a SAHM in a new city with no friends. And certainly no friends with kids. I had never been particularly close with a single SAHM mom EVER. The fantasy photo in my head about what it would be like to be a SAHM was off. Understatement of the decade. I was depressed about how hard, unrelenting and stressful it was and how isolated I felt and mostly, about how TOGETHER other moms seemed when I saw them out with their kids. I thought they knew something that I didn’t know.”
This struck so close to home for me! You probably don’t remember me, but I went to school with your husband and live here in Atlanta. I have an almost-two-year old and became a SAHM after my little tyrant was born. It has been tough, honestly, feeling lonely here and not having any friends with kids (or any close friends, period) here in town. I have definitely had those days where I see a couple moms with their small kids hanging out and feel like I am missing out and am completely isolated. It was so easy to make friends at school or work, but this feels like a wasteland.
Anyway, I just wanted to say I love your writing and that you ARE brave to be open about the dark comedy side of mommydom. 😉 Cause sometimes, you just have to laugh at the crazy/exhausting/absurd/never-ending shit that we go through everyday and say “fuck it” to the judgers. So thank you.
Thank you so much. It really is so much harder than anyone generally admits and it just ends up making us feel worse and more depressed and crazy to think we’re the only ones. This is not to say there aren’t lots of genuinely beautiful moments of mommyhood, but they are generally followed by the kid slapping you upside the face (either figuratively or literally)!
I love this. All these momshame moments. Because it’s awful when you think about the fact that the women who make you feel like you are a bad mom because they’re so together are probably hiding stuff that they would never admit to anyone because it would make them look like a bad mom.
Like a twisted version of finding out years later that the boy you had a crush on but never dared to admit actually liked you, but never did anything about it either!
This “momshame” movement dovetails perfectly with my life philosophy which I like to call the power of admitting.
EXACTLY. Like swilling gin stashed in the laundry hamper when no one else is looking! You should do your own mom shame!
So glad I found this post… i needed to read this! I’m a new SAHM, who just moved to a new state where I don’t know anyone, of a 2 year old and 2 week old. I’ve been feeling like a crazy person trying to keep everything straight, and wondering wtf these other moms know that I don’t who have it all together & whose husbands probably don’t have to remind them what a hairbrush is. Thank you, THANK YOU, for letting us all know that this is real life, and no mom is June Cleaver 🙂
Oh honey, I feel your pain. Just remember, that “perfect” mom you see kissing her angels on their rosy cheeks in the park probably has a flask hidden in her baby bag. It’s the hardest job on earth and every one of us is just trying to keep it together enough to keep the kids alive and not lose our car keys again. Mwuahhh to you!