Current milestones at our home:
A, Age: 5
Didn’t get kicked out of kindergarten. Fingers crossed, 4 weeks in.
Decided of his own volition to start calling me by my first name instead of mommy, which puts me in danger of having an Amber Alert taken out on me. Especially when he screams things in public like, “I don’t wanna go with you, Toulouse. Leave me alone!”
M, Age: somewhere in the 5 1/2 – 8 month range; No, i didn’t steal him from a hospital delivery room – he’s a preemie. Serious preemie.
Sitting up when propped on his hands. Looks like chimp. Darwinists, debate.
Has achieved Olympic levels of sharting. Score 10. Times a day.
No longer has a heart monitor.
Toulouse, Age: are you kidding me?
No longer pees on self when laughing. Most of the time.
Wore pair of pre-pregnancy jeans out of house. Barely concealed muffin top.
Drove speed limit today. One way.
G, Age: Younger than me, older than the kids.
Is up to listening to 17% of things I say to him that don’t involve the words “sex,” “boob” and “money.”