Toulouse and Tonic

Current milestones at our home:

A, Age: 5

Started kindergarten

Didn’t get kicked out of kindergarten. Fingers crossed, 4 weeks in.

Decided of his own volition to start calling me by my first name instead of mommy, which puts me in danger of having an Amber Alert taken out on me. Especially when he screams things in public like, “I don’t wanna go with you, Toulouse. Leave me alone!”

M, Age: somewhere in the 5 1/2 – 8 month range; No, i didn’t steal him from a hospital delivery room – he’s a preemie. Serious preemie.

Sitting up when propped on his hands. Looks like chimp. Darwinists, debate.

Has achieved Olympic levels of sharting. Score 10. Times a day.

No longer has a heart monitor.

Toulouse, Age: are you kidding me?

No longer pees on self when laughing. Most of the time.

Wore pair of pre-pregnancy jeans out of house. Barely concealed muffin top.

Drove speed limit today. One way.

G, Age: Younger than me, older than the kids.

Is up to listening to 17% of things I say to him that don’t involve the words “sex,” “boob” and “money.”

Potty Chairs Everywhere

Dear fellow toddlers:

If you really want your mommy and daddy to give up on toilet training fast, urge them to try the 3-day-potty-training technique, in which you are naked from the waist down for 3 days. Using my methods below, I guarantee they’ll give up before the 2nd day ends.

1. Do not register in any way, shape or form, that you are bottomless. Go about your normal business. #1 and #2.

2. Sit on the potty for half an hour not peeing, then stand up, walk 2 feet and pee on top of a pile of blocks.

3. Wait until your parents turn their backs for 10 seconds after watching your every move all day, poop on the floor and scream, “Uh-oh!”. Go back to playing.

4. Complete half of a wooden zoo-animals puzzle while sitting on the floor, then fill the

Driving the Potty Chair

empty animals with pee-pee. Sit in the surrounding puddle and make animal sounds.

5. When your parents make you sit on the potty, chant, “I awnt down, I awnt down, I awnt down,” until they lose their patience. Switch to yelling it while fake-crying.

6. When forced to sit on the potty, drive it around the house like a car.

7. Show no modesty. Play with your hot wheels cars in a doggy play-bow position with your booty-hole in the air and your privates dangling between your legs.

8. Angrily say “no” to the question, “Do you need to potty?”, then pause while climbing the stairs to drop a load. Continue climbing as if nothing happened.

Remember, mommy and daddy are putting up with a whole lot of doo-doo. Make sure they have a couple bottles of wine or some hard liquor in the house before you flush their dreams with my proven techniques.

Good luck.

Asher (2 and 3/4 years old and back in diapers in 27 hours flat)