Bed Rest, Day 10
Baby’s Gestational Age: 28 weeks, 5 days
Reading: Steve Jobs biography; assorted magazines
Watching: Arrested Development, Season 1; The Big C, Season 1
Not watching because the hospital doesn’t have a channel they really, absolutely, definitely should have: Bravo
www.toulouseandtonic.com
@toulouseNtonic
Since there seem to be so many people out there who are clearly devoid of a filter and/or who have no idea when to shut their pie-holes, here is a (noncomprehensive) list of things not to say to a person who’s been confined to their hospital bed.
Use it as a jumping off point.
You’re bound to think I made some of these up for comedic effect but I want to assure you that each and every one of them has been said to me in the last 10 days.
Yes, even #1.
And #2.
And to the person who said #3. You know who you are. And you bet your ass I’m gonna get even with you one day.
Top 10 Things NOT to Say To A Person on Bed Rest
10. It is a BEAUTIFUL day outside. (I can’t go outside. Ever. I see an air conditioning unit and a bit of roof and a tiny sliver of sky from my one window).
9. You wouldn’t believe the steak I had last night. (I will kill you with my bare hands if you come in to visit me. Unless you bring me a steak. I eat terrible pot roast from the cafeteria every single day. Because it’s terrible, and it’s still the best thing they have).
8. What a great opportunity to catch up on your TV! (I do not have a DVR. Nor a DVD player. I have a very limited amount of channels on the TV above my hospital bed, which I am NOT ALLOWED TO GET OUT OF. Do you know how much trash is on TV?)
7. At least you don’t have to worry about going to the gym. (Yes, that’s true. Instead of working out or say, walking, I have to lie here in this uncomfortable bed all day with pressure bandages pumping up and down on my calves so I don’t get BLOOD CLOTS from not being able to get up and make my blood flow around with some movement.)
6. Wow. You’re not gonna see your dogs for months. (Thinking about cuddling with my dogs is making me cry my eyes out. Thanks.)
5. You must really miss your bed at home. (Yes, Captain Obvious. Let me sit here and ruminate on my big, comfortable bed at home, those soft sheets…because I really need to be thinking about that while I lie in this small, hideously uncomfortable bed a Red Roof Inn would reject.)
4. How are you? (Slight pause) Weeelllll, I’ve got the flu again. (Hmm, the flu sounds MUCH worse than what I’m dealing with, having to stay prone in bed all day in a hospital and not see my loved ones and eat total hospital cafeteria shit and ya know, wonder if my 3-month pre-term *baby is gonna all out of my vagina waaaaay too early.) *click the link to see what happened.
3. I just had 2 Patron shots in your honor. (Isn’t it awesome that you’re at a bar and not in a hospital for, potentially, the next 2 1/2 months? And that you can DRINK ALCOHOL? Thanks for letting me know all of that. Somehow, I don’t feel HONORED. But next time I see you, I’m gonna HONOR you with a punch in the groin.)
2. Is the baby gonna have a lot of problems if he’s born this early? (Well, yes. Yes, he will. Thanks for bringing that up.)
1. I’m pretty sure I got MERSA when I was in the hospital. (Wow. Ya know I LIVE in the hospital, right?!!! And that mersa is one of the most deadly things you can catch. And that there’s a BABY inside of me?)
So there you go. The top 10 things not to say to a person on bed rest, even if you’re well-meaning. Instead, pack up a great home-cooked meal, the trashiest magazines you can find and your extra DVD player and pop over for a visit. But call first. Pregnant women are especially ornery. In case you can’t tell.
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Feeling bad about some lip-slips? I know what’ll make you feel good about yourself! Vote for me.
11. Do they make you wear a hospital gown everyday?
They don’t. But I was a little ill-prepared for this. I thought I had 3 more months to get something decent for the hospital.
Oh well, that’s what internet shopping is for. It just takes a bit to get here…
Watch them not fit.
Your hair looks nice!
Dang, (deletes draft of message I was working on…)…
I have a guess on #3. The same person who frantically took a Patron shot before a dry rehearsal dinner hosted by a minister just before said hostess arrived…
I feel like this could only be one person but he doesn’t have a memory of it. Although maybe that can be explained by the Patron shots.
I can not get past the no Bravo situation. That is beyond cruel. Beyond.
AND they supposedly have Lifetime but the channel NEVER works. And they call themselves a hospital.
Best worst list ever.
: )
THAT cheers me up!
No lie… I am a wee bit overtired… but last night I got a little choked up. Because for fuck’s sake I even watch the commercials on Bravo even when I watch recorded garbage!!! And while I recognize it is possible to gestate a child without the help of any housewives or Brad Goreski it just seems so wrong… so very, very wrong. Andy Cohen sends his love. I just can’t stop thinking of you as I watch Bravo… and the guilt. IT CONSUMES ME.
I’m really making up for it now that I’m home. Bravo-depravation is not good for the soul.
i love you. no seriously. i’m going on week 2 of strict bedrest + it’s the hardest thing i’ve ever done. thank you for making me laugh
everyone is so well intentioned, but some of the comments i’ve gotten lately have made me want to rant + rave like a crazy lady. love your blog + sense of humor in the face of all this… my first son was born at 35 weeks + 3 days & we still faced a week of that roller-coaster NICU ride. you are a rockstar, Toulouse.
No, I love YOU! You have quite the challenge ahead of you. Remember, it’s all a mental game. NEVER think beyond the day you’re in. You can get through one day, after all. Take each one as it comes.
You’ll get no platitudes from me about how you’re doing it all for a good cause. OF COURSE YOU ARE. It’s still HARD, for God’s sake.
Let me know if you want any more tips about how to stay sane, and I wish you all the luck in the world.
Good Luck momma! I went thru 4 1/2 months strict BR, home and hospital. Keep up the amazing work! Mommas who go through this are rock stars! Yes, I called myself a rock star. And you are too! If you ever want some BR nuggets, let me know.
This top 10 list needs to be given to everyone going to a baby shower/gender reveal party/second baby “sprinkle” party so folks learn what not to say to someone on bed rest. I don’t know put it next to the new baby cards and gift paper. I could barely handle the 5 days I spent in the hospital, couldn’t imagine longer than that!
Perhaps I should mount the list on a lovely gold plaque and offer it for sale on my blog? ; )
Ouch. I’ve probably said some of those stupid things. I realize I need to shut my pie-hole AFTER I say the stupid things. And I don’t even talk a lot – which makes it worse. At least you have time to write great blog posts. Wait. Did I just say that?
Kate Hall recently posted…Caption That! (Round 14)
Good one. I can appreciate it now since I’m NOT on bedrest anymore. But then? I’d have hunted you down and then slunk away again and written something snarky about you. ; )
Those were some special visitors. And by special I mean evil. Ellen
Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms recently posted…Pintershit: The New Year’s Eve Edition
I thought so. Thanks for backing me up!
Agree! Bed rest sucks. I will also add the following to your list-all things I heard during my 4 1/2 months on bed rest
1) Do not under any circumstances say “Well at least you’ll be well-rested when the baby arrives, from being in bed all day!” bed rest is not restful. It is painful and scary as hell. Mag washes, catheters wo an epidural, blood taken from every vein every 6 hours for a solid week and a half during both sets of mag washes to stop labor, having a pump in your leg with medicine via a catheter…i could go on…it is not restful asshat
2) “I don’t know how you do it, sitting in bed all day. I’d go crazy.” Well yes, you idiot, you would do”it” ” if you knew your baby’s LIFE depended on it. Asshat
3) “Oh don’t worry everything (in sing songy voice) will be fine!” Evil eye stare
Asshat
4) “So what will happen if the baby is born right now?” Sigh….asshat
5) “Oh My Gosh! What are you going to do?” Really? What the docs tell me to do! I’m not going awol! Asshat
6) “well you will have plenty of time to shop and get that nursery ready!” Yes, yes I will. It will be super fun. Super super fun. Asshat
7) “So, how long will you have to be in (that bed, hospital)? Must suck.” Asshat
So, just a few I heard. People mean well, but most dont understand how very serious it is. Some of my husband’s family thought it was an over protective doctor. Or that bedrest was me in a bed, sucking up the preg advantage or making this shit up.
Good times.
Love your blog!
G
I was on hospital bed rest with my 2nd daughter for a month (both my girls were born 2 1/2 months prematurely – the first one we didn’t know about my lovely incompetent cervix so I went from water breaking to hospital at 28 weeks) and heard a variation on just about all 10 of those. I also enjoyed the comments about ‘how hard it must be to not be at home with your other daughter’. Yeah, thanks. Like I don’t cry my eyes out nightly when her dad has to drag her out of my hospital room and when he tells me she cries herself to sleep every night because mommy isn’t home. Good times….good times.
And then there’s all the fun guilt when you have the baby waaaay too early but have just a fleeting amount of relief that you can finally get up and pee on your own.
I’m glad it all worked out – your baby is a doll!
Michelle ~ You’re my favorite today. recently posted…Friday Faves – New friends to follow
My favorite was always “Soooooo, do you think the baby is, like, coming?” Bedrest or not, the baby is coming, Einstein, and it’s way too fucking early for that to happen. Hence the bedrest. I’m sitting on my ass day in and day out in hopes of keeping this baby inside for another couple weeks. I’m not doing this b/c I am tired of trying to put shoes on feet I can’t quite see.
realmomofnj recently posted…Sh*t Not to Say to a Pregnant Lady