Justin Bieber’s in Disguise. #Believe it.

My 6-year-old son, Asher, knows a lot about legos (awesome!), superheroes (not real people), dinosaurs (death by volcano) and how Santa Claus manages to deliver toys to every single child on earth in just one night (magic plus Rudolph).  But he doesn’t know jack about Justin Bieber.

So a few days ago, when I was offered the chance to interview Bieber’s mom, Pattie Mallette, I went looking for the one person who knew even less about him than I do.

Justin Bieber, Believe movie, kid interviews Justin Bieber's mom; beliebersThe conversation went something like this:

“Come over here and watch this boy who sings and dances with me.”

“Do I have to go to bed if I say no?”


Asher, shoulders slumping.  “Okay, I’ll watch the boy dance.”

Since they’d sent me a screener of his new movie, “Believe” (opening Christmas Day), we sat down with my computer for Ash’s first ever glimpse of the Biebster.

Justin Bieber Believe Poster“Why are those girls crying while he dances?” said a puzzled Asher.

“I dunno,” I said.  “I guess they’re in love with him.”

“Ewwwww,” he yelled.  “That’s gross!”  A pause.  “I’m never getting married but I might marry you when I grow up.”

Awwww.  But ewwww.

“And daddy’s gonna be MAD!!!”  Laughing oedipally.

A cacophony of screaming girls drew him back to the screen.

“I’d be scared to get up there (on stage).  Is he scared?”

“I dunno.  Doesn’t look scared to me.”

“Can I go play with my legos now?”  He stands up, waiting.

“Let’s watch a liiiittle more.”

On screen, Justin performed in an outfit that mostly consisted of 10 to 12 inches of white underwear.  Asher catapulted himself up from the sofa.  “Ewww, I see his underpants!!!!” he yelled, eyes wide open — finger pointing to the cottony expanse.  “And all those girls see his underpants!!  WHY??!!!”

Justin Bieber in concert, Believe movie“Maybe he needs smaller pants.”

“Yeah.  Like mine.” Asher nodded.

Suddenly there was a man with a belt lashing at Justin Bieber.

“Whoa, why is he getting a spanking?  Is that his daddy?”

“That is definitely not his daddy.  That’s Zach Galfkfielfkfkjf…uh, a comedian.”

“What’s a comdemium?”

“Uh, it’s his job to be silly.  He didn’t really spank him.  I don’t think.”

Funny questions from a kindergartner for Justin Bieber in his new movie BelieveAnd then Asher giggled, covering his mouth and stabbing his finger repeatedly towards Justin’s face.

“What?” I said.  “What’s so funny?”

“That mustache is funny.  Hee hee, hee hee.  Is that a disguise?  Hee hee.”

“If it is, it’s not a very good one.”

Asher leaned back on the couch and sighed.  “Can I go to bed now?”

“Sure, dude.  Thanks for your help.”

He headed for the stairs, his mind already somewhere else.  Then he looked back.

“I wanna be a Superhero when I grow up.”

Believe movie, Beliebers, Justin Bieber, Justin Bieber's mom“Yeah?  That seems like a solid occupation.  Can you be one of those with a lot of money?”

“Superheros are not real, mommy.”

“Yeah, okay, maybe not.  But you’re my superhero.”

“Thanks, mommy.  Can I have a disguise for Christmas?”

“Okay, buddy.  I’ll see if we can borrow Justin Bieber’s mustache.”

And up the stairs he went.

This is the first in a series of articles about my experience with Pattie Mallette and Justin Bieber.  And my kindergartner.  Please check back for more on the actual interview with Pattie and what transpired after.  Hint: she called me back the next day.

Most of the questions my kid came up with were spawned by watching Justin Bieber’s new movie, “Believe.” The premiere was last night in LA and the movie opens Christmas Day.  Beliebers who’ve found their way to my site, please calm down.  I’m afraid all that jumping about and screaming is gonna give you an aneurysm.  Just toss all that crap Santa gave you aside and get to a movie theater.  Because at least for you, that’s where the real gift is.


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  1. I love this! I love all his questions about the crying girls and his underwear. My boys would think this is funny, too. Can’t wait to read the other installments!

  2. It’s like he articulated the commentary in my head. Why IS his underwear showing, exactly?

  3. This is funny. Like, really. I love your kid, and you. BELIEBE.

  4. I love the unfiltered-straight forward-innocent questions from children! And yes, there’s a reason they are called UNDER pants!

  5. I don’t think there is any better understanding of all this stuff than that of a 6 yr. old. Your boy is precious and can’t wait to read the rest of the story!

  6. This is so funny! I love his questions and I can’t wait to see what Patty says

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