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The Interview with Justin Bieber’s Mom.

Justin Bieber’s mom, Pattie Mallette, has a very famous and talented son, a reputation for being religious, and she probably has a house in the South of France. She also has something you don’t know about. A sense of humor.

Just before Christmas, I almost passed up the chance to interview her in anticipation of the release of Justin’s new movie, “Believe.” Let’s be frank, my sense of humor can be a little twisted. I didn’t think it would be a good fit.

But I am also sincere. Sometimes.

So I decided to do it — but my way.

The night before the interview, I snuggled in with Asher, my kindergartner and showed him a little of the movie. Here is how that went down.

Asher is not a Belieber. He has no idea who Justin Bieber is. The kid’s way more interested in Legos than saggy-pantsed rock stars.

But as it turns out, it wasn’t very hard for him to come up with questions for the interview.

Once Pattie was on the phone, I told her she’d be interviewed by a kindergartner.

Dead silence.

4, 3, 2, 1…

Then I heard her laughing. And it was on like Donkey Kong.

Asher: Why are all those girls crying while he dances?

Pattie: (I’m trying to figure out how to answer this as if I’m talking to a kindergartner. This is so cute.) Because they’re so excited to see him. They can’t hold back their emotion, that’s what I think.

Asher: I’m scared to be up there (on stage). Was he scared to go up there?

Pattie: No, Justin doesn’t get scared to do what scares us because he was made to do what he’s doing. He feels most comfortable there and that’s where he gets his energy.

Asher: Why did he marry that little girl (Avalanna Routh)?

Pattie: Justin married her because he knew that would bring her great joy and he wanted to be a big part of the rest of her life.

Asher: Was he a good boy? Did he get in trouble for not listening to his mommy?

Pattie: He was not always a good boy. Sometimes he got in trouble. We make mistakes and learn from them. That’s why we have moms and dads to guide us.

Asher: I see his underpants. And all those girls see his underpants too. WHY?

Pattie: (Gasping, giggling) That’s a good question. I ask him the same thing and always tell him to pull up his pants but he thinks that’s the style.

Asher: What does humble mean?

Pattie: We have our own definition of humble which is coming into agreement with who God says you are, but it’s also knowing where you came from, who you are and not thinking less or better of yourself.

Asher: Was he naughty or nice this year?

Pattie: (thoughtfully) Hmmm, that’s a tough one. I think he gave back a lot and did a lot for other people even though he made some mistakes.

Asher: That mustache is funny. Is that a disguise?

Pattie: (shrieking with laughter then asking, “He wants to know if the mustache is a disguise??!) That mustache is Justin’s attempt to feel like he’s older than he is and I agree, it’s pretty funny.

Asher: Why did he get a spanking? Is that his daddy?

Pattie: (What? Oh, you mean the Zach Galifianakis thing?) No that was a comedian interviewer being silly. He was just pretending.

Asher: How old is he? I think he’s about 100. Does he go to school?

Pattie: (To me: 100! Hahahaha!) Justin is 19. He’ll be 20 on March 1. He’s all finished with high school. And I hope he lives to be 100.

Asher: Why is he going to be in a train-wreck?

Pattie: When they ask him that (in the movie), they mean is he going to get in a lot of trouble and is he going to fall apart and do things he’s not supposed to do because he has so much freedom. A lot of young people in his position, they become a train-wreck — they make a lot of bad decisions. People want to see Justin make good decisions instead of bad ones.

Asher: Are you proud of him every day, every week, every year?

Pattie: (without hesitation) Yes, I’m always proud of him. Mommy’s are always proud of their children — or they should be.

I only had 10 minutes for the interview so it was over quickly, and as we were wrapping up, Pattie asked me to please send her PR rep the questions Asher had posed for her. I did and the next day, Pattie called me back herself to say Justin wanted to fly Asher and I out to LA to interview him in person and to be expecting “his people” to call.

Uh, holy shit. What?

More about that next time.

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Justin Bieber’s in Disguise. #Believe it.

My 6-year-old son, Asher, knows a lot about legos (awesome!), superheroes (not real people), dinosaurs (death by volcano) and how Santa Claus manages to deliver toys to every single child on earth in just one night (magic plus Rudolph). But he doesn’t know jack about Justin Bieber.

So a few days ago, when I was offered the chance to interview Bieber’s mom, Pattie Mallette, I went looking for the one person who knew even less about him than I do.

The conversation went something like this:

“Come over here and watch this boy who sings and dances with me.”

“Do I have to go to bed if I say no?”

“Yes.”

Asher, shoulders slumping. ”Okay, I’ll watch the boy dance.”

Since they’d sent me a screener of his new movie, “Believe” (opening Christmas Day), we sat down with my computer for Ash’s first ever glimpse of the Biebster.

“Why are those girls crying while he dances?” said a puzzled Asher.

“I dunno,” I said. ”I guess they’re in love with him.”

“Ewwwww,” he yelled. ”That’s gross!” A pause. ”I’m never getting married but I might marry you when I grow up.”

Awwww. But ewwww.

“And daddy’s gonna be MAD!!!” Laughing oedipally.

A cacophony of screaming girls drew him back to the screen.

“I’d be scared to get up there (on stage). Is he scared?”

“I dunno. Doesn’t look scared to me.”

“Can I go play with my legos now?” He stands up, waiting.

“Let’s watch a liiiittle more.”

On screen, Justin performed in an outfit that mostly consisted of 10 to 12 inches of white underwear. Asher catapulted himself up from the sofa. ”Ewww, I see his underpants!!!!” he yelled, eyes wide open — finger pointing to the cottony expanse. ”And all those girls see his underpants!! WHY??!!!”

“Maybe he needs smaller pants.”

“Yeah. Like mine.” Asher nodded.

Suddenly there was a man with a belt lashing at Justin Bieber.

“Whoa, why is he getting a spanking? Is that his daddy?”

“That is definitely not his daddy. That’s Zach Galfkfielfkfkjf…uh, a comedian.”

“What’s a comdemium?”

“Uh, it’s his job to be silly. He didn’t really spank him. I don’t think.”

And then Asher giggled, covering his mouth and stabbing his finger repeatedly towards Justin’s face.

“What?” I said. ”What’s so funny?”

“That mustache is funny. Hee hee, hee hee. Is that a disguise? Hee hee.”

“If it is, it’s not a very good one.”

Asher leaned back on the couch and sighed. ”Can I go to bed now?”

“Sure, dude. Thanks for your help.”

He headed for the stairs, his mind already somewhere else. Then he looked back.

“I wanna be a Superhero when I grow up.”

“Yeah? That seems like a solid occupation. Can you be one of those with a lot of money?”

“Superheros are not real, mommy.”

“Yeah, okay, maybe not. But you’re my superhero.”

“Thanks, mommy. Can I have a disguise for Christmas?”

“Okay, buddy. I’ll see if we can borrow Justin Bieber’s mustache.”

And up the stairs he went.

This is the first in a series of articles about my experience with Pattie Mallette and Justin Bieber. And my kindergartner. Please check back for more on the actual interview with Pattie and what transpired after. Hint: she called me back the next day.

Most of the questions my kid came up with were spawned by watching Justin Bieber’s new movie, “Believe.” The premiere was last night in LA and the movie opens Christmas Day. Beliebers who’ve found their way to my site, please calm down. I’m afraid all that jumping about and screaming is gonna give you an aneurysm. Just toss all that crap Santa gave you aside and get to a movie theater. Because at least for you, that’s where the real gift is.