Toulouse and Tonic

Surviving Summer

July 9, 2013 by Toulouse 2 Comments

This is a sponsored post written by me on behalf of Netflix.

In May, I started getting notices from school that implied that school was almost over. I was in no way willing to accept this ridiculously preposterous notion and decided the false notices should be dropped into the round file.

In other words, I was floating down the river Denial holding a fruity drink with a little paper umbrella in it and even if a crocodile was chewing on the corner of my raft, I was just looking the other way singing lalalalalalalalala.

Imagine my consternation when my kindergartner woke up at 6:30am one May morning and had nowhere to go that day. Or the next day. Or the next day. Why didn’t someone tell me about this, I demanded to know. But school was closed so no one answered me.

Two hours into our first day of summer, Asher and I were already crafted-out. Not that it takes much for either of us. It became very clear that I am not even remotely enough to keep an almost-6-year-old entertained all day everyday.

Since one can only go to the pool, the zoo, the aquarium and the playground so many times, especially in the Atlanta heat, I needed some further resources. And fast.

Here’s what’s saving me.

A few cool, fun, educational summer camps and the Netflix Families page (available to members and nonmembers).

Honestly, because I have a million things to do and very little time to get them done, I don’t usually watch shows with Asher (except for our family movie nights — luckily there’s a category just for that) so I like having a resource that tells me what shows and movies are good options for him. My favorites are “TV for curious kids” and “Classics to share with your kids,” especially The Magic School Bus. Although when we’re traveling, you can’t beat the ipad and anything in the category called “Are we there yet?”

You know what else I love about streaming? If your show or movie gets interrupted for some reason, it just picks right back up wherever you were, even if you switch devices between TV, iPad, phone, which we often do.

And as the mom of a kid who’s discovered that he simply must have everything that’s advertised on TV, (Silly Slippers anyone?) I strongly prefer Netflix streaming to cut down on the rampant summer I-want-itis since it’s ad-free.

He’s watching The Lorax now, and I keep popping back there to stand over him and watch my favorite parts between chores. You know what? These aren’t called the lazy days of summer for nothing. Forget chores. I’m gonna help my son save some trees.

Netflix.com/Families is a new destination designed to meet your family’s summertime entertainment needs. On Netflix.com/Families, parents can find lists of movies and TV shows for all kinds of special summer moments.

Visit www.Netflix.com/Families for more information on the best ways to stream as well as videos from families using Netflix.

This is a sponsored post written by me on behalf of Netflix.

Filed Under: Mommy stuff

What If Everyone Was Naked

July 2, 2013 by Toulouse 20 Comments

Let’s go way, way back in time and assume Adam and Eve take one look at the apples, decide they’re nasty and refuse to even try them (in other words, they behave like my children). How would the world be different? Likely it would be different in every way, but because I like salacious stuff, I think we should focus our examination on the fact that clothes would never have been invented and we’d all be walking around naked today.

So in partnership with my friend and regular guest-contributor Mike, here are 20 things that would happen if everyone was naked.

Mike’s list

Less back injuries - Bending over at the waist to pick up something would thankfully cease. Everyone would pick up things by squatting and using their legs, which is the correct way but not nearly as interesting to casual observer
Waxing and laser hair removal places would be very, very busy and I would be first in line, that is a promise. I don’t want the Sasquatch crew snagging me during one of my jogs
Viagra would be sold in bulk. You don’t want to be the one dude walking around that is not at a semi state of readiness and having to explain how “you just got out of the pool” all the time.
More body stuff – More skin = more opportunity to hang ornaments off of “places” that really shouldn’t have things hanging off of them in the first place so that everyone can enjoy your “unique” style. Be careful, ladies – the potential for snagging your “ornaments” grows drastically when they aren’t covered up.
Gyms would be packed - Workouts would be a requirement now that everyone can see you without Spanx or a cinch waist wrap. They would also be more entertaining considering the type of equipment being used (i.e. thigh master in particular). I would predict a huge increase in the sale of sanitary wipes needed by gyms for wiping off equipment after numerous nasty, dripping, stinky, bare ass reps of the person on the machine before you who has been exercising for the last hour. I know, I gagged on that one as well …
No more tan lines, or will there be? – I thought this would be great until I truly thought it out – there would be “tan lines” created by any fat rolls, ass cheeks and moobs (male boobs) on your body. I speak from experience on this one
The nastiest and nerdiest accessory every invented — the fanny pack — would be a big player – How you gonna carry all your junk? Don’t laugh – Louie V, Coach, and the others would be marketing this accessory to all who want to spend $500 on one.
The end of yoga as we know it – Yoga classes wouldn’t be composed primarily of limber chicks anymore. They’d be packed with dudes all trying to get a great back row “viewing position” for the spotted dog or whatever weird position is being done. By the start of the second week, it would just be a bunch of naked dudes in the class finally realizing that there are no gals coming to the class anymore. The start of the third week – just a bunch of naked dudes, ass-sweating on mats, drinking beer, and talking about how great the first week in Yoga class was.
The “new” ESPN (Entertainment Sports Porn Network) – All sports would be elevated to a whole new viewing level and now all woman would embrace the watching of every sporting event with the husbands. Even golf, table tennis, and equestrian events would be highly viewed sports.
Mooning someone would have no shock value. The single greatest shocking thing you can do to a friend in junior high would not exist.

And 10 more things I just had to add:

No one would live in Minnesota.
Population would explode as women became pregnant every time they bent at the waist to pick something up.
Women, desperate to artistically express themselves, would make vajazzling and pubic hair manicuring two of the most lucrative businesses out there.
Your gynecologist would no longer have any instructions for you except 1. Spread your legs, this might be a little cold and 2. Don’t bend at the waist unless you wanna get pregnant.
If there was even one jellyfish floating near the shore, not a single person would go swimming.
PentHouse and Playboy would never exist. Looking at boobs and vaginas? Ho-hum. How about drape a banana leaf over that chick’s ass? SEXY!
Women would talk 50% less as the phrase, “Do I look fat in this?” ceases to exist.
Skinny dipping would just be called swimming.
It would be common to follow boob tracks to locate a missing woman.
Chicks would have all kinds of time to ponder other things since they’d now know immediately if a guy found them attractive or not.

To read more “What He Said, by Mike” blogs, please click here.

 Follow @toulousentonic

And instagram. Basically, just follow me around all day, mmmkay?

Filed Under: Funny Lists, Guest posts, Pregnancy, What He Said Tagged With: fanny packs, jellyfish, naked, vajazzling, yoga

How Wrestling Keeps Us Together

July 1, 2013 by Toulouse 2 Comments

I hear high-pitched screams coming from my bedroom and my ears perk up, waiting for the crying to begin. But instead the screams are followed by ecstatic laughter and I recognize both boys’ crazy giggles as my husband wrestles with them on our bed.

Bed wrestling is a common sport in our house but I don’t participate. I like to sit in the next room and smile.

It reminds me of being 6 years old and the magical few minutes when my dad would pick up one of my little sisters or me and toss us high into the air and onto my double bed. The other two girls would immediately pile on, even though the littlest had to be helped onto the bed. One after another, he’d reach around and pull one of his daughters from his back, toss her onto the bed and then pounce, growling like a wild animal while whomever had just escaped his clutches scrambled onto his back — the squeals of 3 girls mingled with the mad growl of daddy lion.

It’s one of my best childhood memories about my dad — those few minutes of ecstatic chaos. And so I leave this ritual to my husband so his boys will have the same warm, awesome memories of their dad when they’re grown.

Sometimes I’m inspired to grab my computer and chat with the man who, while he could never throw me into the air and onto the bed now, can still lift my spirits.

We don’t live in the same town or even that near each other these days, so I use Skype because while it’s awesome to hear his voice, I need to see him too. And so do the kids. I’ll often ask my 5-year-old, “Where do you want to go today?” And his answer? ”Granddaddy’s house.” If only we could just pop in the car and go to granddaddy’s house.

But at least we can use Skype to see his smile when he says, “How are grandaddies’ babies?” The smile is the best part.

This video about how Skype helps keep families together brought tears to my eyes. Sometimes I’m really grateful for modern technology. I might not live very close to my family anymore but at least I can still feel like I’m there.

Learn more at http://skypestaytogether.com.

DISCLOSURE REQUIREMENT: Toulouse & Tonic aims to provide unbiased editorials. However, I wish to disclose that from time to time I may receive free products or other compensation from companies for blogger reviews.

Filed Under: Mommy stuff, Reviews/Sponsored Posts Tagged With: childhood, dad, daughters, memories, wrestling

How to Take Great Family Photos.

June 28, 2013 by Toulouse 13 Comments

It’s 2 hours before we’re set to meet our photographer at the park and have our first family photos taken (yes, I said FIRST family photos and yes, my oldest is almost 6. I suck).

Gabe keeps ~~aggressively~~ casually asking me what we’re supposed to wear and I keep telling him it doesn’t matter — that I don’t want matchy-matchy or themey-themey photos. After a while he begins to realize that I don’t have a grand plan for us to all wear white shirts and blue jeans, or for us to be in pajamas with our names embroidered on them and even though he’s sorta kinda trying not to show it, this fact is internally causing him to lose his shit.

He shifts strategy and starts ~~insisting~~ gently but firmly suggesting we choose a color palette. Everyone must wear blue. Or everyone should be in 50 shades of gray. (What’s my safe word?)

I tell him to chillax and that I want everyone to just wear what they like and think looks good on them.

I believe he mumbles the word “stupid” to describe my plan (or lack thereof) but he’s smart enough not to repeat it in an intelligible way.

His mouth starts to do that thing where it goes from regular old relaxed lips to a thin, fully pressurized pink line as we chaotically rush around trying to do last minute things like get a shoe on a toddler who is never still for 2 seconds and put on our unmatching shirts in shades that dare not be seen together.

And we’re running late because, ya know, we have kids and that’s how it goes.

We make it into the car and the kids are being very, very good. But Gabe is being very, very bad. He puts his elbow on the passenger window, leans his head onto it and repeatedly sighs. Heavily.

As we pull up to the park, I ask him to please just relax — that it’s not just that big of a deal.

We step out of the car and I start to scan the park for the photographer, stressed because we’re late and because my diva husband is unhappy with wardrobe.

Once more, I say, “Can you please just relax?”

And then he says it and while I can’t remember word for word, it goes something like this.

“We can talk about this later but I’m not happy with your lack of preparation for this. If this is how I’m going to spend my evening, then it should turn out to be productive and that means we should get pictures that are USABLE and these are going to suck because we don’t look like we all belong together.”

Oh hell no, he didn’t.

Yep, yep. He did.

Oh hey, there’s the photographer…let’s go have some happy family photos taken now.

And here’s the miracle that is Loveworks Photography. We. Still. Had. Fun.

No really. We did. And we totally got USABLE (beautiful, amazing) family photos even though I had the nerve to wear lavender when everyone else wore blue.

Let’s face it. This isn’t the first almost-disaster-of-a-family-photo-shoot story you’ve heard, is it? I’ve heard TONS of them. For some reason, these things just bring out the worst in people.

But Stephen has figured out how to take the stress away, make it fun and then blind you with his talent. The end result? Amazing documented memories to keep and share with all the people who love you.

Check out the 90 Minutes of Awesome photo shoot.

Here’s how it went down. We walked around the park, the kids played on the playground and sweet, easy-going Stephen just followed us around snapping photos. It was hard for me to believe they’d turn out so well, seeing as how we almost forgot he was there but you can see for yourself how beautiful he made us look.

It was effortless and as fun as it looked.

If you’re in or near the Atlanta area, Stephen is willing to hook you up. Use the code “liferocks” when you check out and get $30 off a 90 Minutes of Awesome Session ($149 instead of $179) from Loveworks until the end of summer. And that’s it. About a week later, Stephen sent us our photos digitally and they’re ours to do with as we see fit. So all you pay for is the session, which is so totally worth it and then, unlike some other photogs, you’re not held captive by having to buy your dramatically marked-up prints from him.

Go check out his work, folks. And if you wanna see all the photos from our shoot, here’s his sweet blog post about our shoot.

He does beautiful wedding work too, btw.

Despite our little ill-timed tiff and our heinously unmatched outfits (love you, honey!), our photos turned out (90 Minutes of) AWESOME and that’s 100% due to Stephen. Take the stress out of family photos and just go have fun.