carb lovers diet

The Food Haters Diet

May 15, 2011 by ashersmom 2 Comments

My new diet strategy is called The Food Haters Diet. I am only preparing meals for myself that I think are gross and disgusting or at the very best — unappealing. That way, I only eat until I’m not hungry anymore.

Three of my last 6 meals have been a grilled chicken salad with low-fat dressing (see remnants of today’s lunch in photo). Something I ate for so many years on almost a daily basis that I simply can’t stomach it anymore.

I don’t know about you, but I think this new diet is a winner. Look out for my upcoming book, “The Food Haters Diet” to be climbing the bestseller list soon.

The Carb Lovers Diet Is Not Magic.

May 4, 2011 by ashersmom 1 Comment

I finally got a new scale yesterday so this morning I was pretty excited to step on and see how much weight I’ve lost on the ~~godforsaken~~ Carb Lovers Diet.

For any of you bitches who are naturally skinny and don’t understand why I waited until the morning to step on the scale, let me clue you in. When you wake up in the am, you are at the lightest you will be all day, not having eaten in 12 hours. I refuse to weigh myself at any other time. I don’t even look when I step on the scale at doctor’s offices. I instruct the nurses to do what they gotta do but keep it to themselves.

I’ll start off by staying I do not know what I weighed when I started this diet because of the aforementioned very old, very off scale. And because I forgot to weigh myself. But I have a decent enough idea.

I woke up. I took off my t-shirt (because it might weigh a couple of ounces). I got on the scale.

Total deflation. I think I’ve lost 3 pounds total in 9 days.

That SUCKS.

There is an algorithm that will tell you how much dietary suffering is worth how much weight you’re losing. I’ll spare you the details (as if I know them). But I’ll tell you from personal last-9-day-experience — this diet has involved way too much suffering for 3 measly pounds.

A few years back, I lost 7 pounds in 10 days. I mean, I’m pretty sure my body was eating itself but still. That’s a nice score right there.

On the other hand, Gabe has lost somewhere around 8 pounds on the exact same diet. Freaking men! You decide you want to lose weight, cut back, and in a week you’re at your goal weight. Meanwhile, our fat is clinging to us like a sobbing toddler being dropped off at preschool for the first time.

I will admit to not having done any cardio during the first 8 days of my diet due to a foot injury (although I did Tuesday and today). But Gabe didn’t work out at all. At least I was doing isolation exercises. He did nothing but eat less than usual.

Bitter. Party of one.

So my take on the Carb Lovers Diet? There’s nothing magical about it. You still just need to work out and eat less to lose weight. Simple. Hard. Really hard.

But I’m not giving up yet. I think I’ll take a day or two off to celebrate my birthday properly (sweet, sweet alcohol — mommy’s coming!) and then be back at it. I’ve suffered so much already — it’s like an investment. I must keep suffering until the payoff catches up with the pain. I’m sure there’s an algorithm for that too.

Filed Under: Domestication, rants, Uncategorized Tagged With: carb lovers diet, dieting, hunger, men, suffering

Life Would Be Perfect If Only I Were Skinny

April 24, 2011 by ashersmom 1 Comment

Tomorrow is the day that my lifelong-skinny husband begins his first diet. It’s also the day that I begin my 1,372nd diet. Or something like that.

Funny thing about girls and guys, isn’t it?

Dieting came into my life via my mother, who was once on a diet where all she ate was grapefruit. I remember well what my mom looked like, and she looked great. But you couldn’t have told her that. She wouldn’t have believed you no matter how many times you said it.

That’s how we are.

Unless I’m within a certain range, I’m not happy. There’s no bottom to my range, because as I see it, the lower the number, the better. But my ceiling is 128. I haven’t seen 128 in over a year and I actually find myself wishing for a good stomach flu so I can get back there. Sick.

I’ve been on so many different diets over the years (Adkins and The Zone, just to name 2) but I finally came to the conclusion that they’re all bunk and all you really have to do is cut back and exercise more. My friend Michael and I always said we were gonna put out a diet book with 2 short chapters. Chapter 1: Stop shoving everything into your mouth. Chapter 2: Get off your butt and move.

I honestly still believe it’s that simple. Except that our simple plan requires a lot of willpower. A LOT of willpower.

And, since having a husband and a kid, it’s not that easy for me. I can’t just stock only Lean Cuisines and salad fixins in the house, which is how I used to do it. There was literally nothing to eat in my house that was bad for me. And I stuck to it because I always knew “Cheat Meal” was there waiting for me on the weekend.

These days, we have a pantry and refrigerator that are stocked at all times. Cheese (real cheese), snacks (goldfish, pretzels, saltines, pop chips), sweets (both of my boys have sweet-tooths). All of the stuff I’m not supposed to eat if I want to lose weight. How am I supposed to say no in those moments of weakness?

A friend here in my East Atlanta neighborhood and I were having drinks one night, and after a couple, she said, “I know this is sick, but the truth is that I believe if I was skinny, my life would be perfect.” I nodded, knowing exactly what she meant.

“Me too.”

“I know you’re probably making fun of me,” she said, “but the sad thing is I really believe that.”

“Oh, I’m not making fun of you. I really believe it too.”

Intellectually, I KNOW being skinny will not make my life perfect. Actually, my life is kinda perfect as it is right now. Except that I can’t walk around looking cute in my clothes and I can’t wear a bikini, and something about that casts a pallor over everything else. Sick. Sick. Sick.

This is the way our minds work though (mine and she who shall remain nameless in case she doesn’t want to be outed). And I guarantee we’re not alone. I know many of you women reading this are thinking the same thing. If I were skinny, all my problems would disappear. Anyone willing to share our head-trip?

So tomorrow is the day that Gabe starts his first diet, and I start my 10,273rd. Or something like that.

We’re doing the Carb Lovers Diet, and although I still believe losing weight is as simple as my planned diet book states, I just don’t have the willpower anymore. I need structure. And so here we go.