You know that moment when you need to cook something for dinner but you haven’t been to the grocery store for a week?  So you go to your freezer and are finally motivated enough to bend all the way down and move aside the ice crystal-covered frozen peas and half-black bunches of bananas that’ve colonized the lower shelves since 2010 to see if you can find something?

That was me this weekend.  I didn’t find any elusive ground beef but I did find something else nutritious.

One lonely, forlorn bag of freezer-burned breast milk had somehow escaped that final week of “I’m done breastfeeding so now let’s use up this frozen stuff and get our freezer space back.”

There it was, like a creamy contortionist, frozen into its last pose.

It was weird to see it there all these months later, having said goodbye to the milk cow phase of my life back in September.  I had flashes of breast pumps , of feeding tubes, of frustration and fear.  And then just as quickly, I felt relief that we’re past all that and my baby is healthy and happy and eats like a pig with his actual mouth now.

I picked up the bag and stared at it, puzzled.  What should I do with it?  It’s almost a year old…I don’t think I wanna give it to the baby.  But we are out of coffee creamer….

So I put the bag of breast milk back in the freezer and did what any normal mom (who spends way too much time on the internet) would do.  I googled it.  And found out there are a lot more options than I ever would’ve imagined.

Now I just have to figure out which one of these things my liquid gold will be used for.  It’s a tough decision.  After all, there’s only one bag.

1.  Shall I preserve it into a piece of jewelry I can nuzzle in my bosom until the day I can pass it along to Meyer as a special momento of his mother’s love?  If I do this, will Asher feel slighted that I didn’t save any of his breast milk to make cufflinks that he can show off at high school graduation?  I was concerned this wasn’t the right choice for me until I read that Mommy Milk Creations has a special, patented process that keeps my “milk-bead” from turning yellow – ever.  Well that’s a relief.  Yellow breast milk jewelry is so 2010.

2.  Clearly, the most hygienic choice would be to have it made into breast milk soap.  Tin Roof Soap Company is ready and willing to make me a “loaf” of soap using the very own milk of my mammaries.  They’ll cut it, cure it and send it back to me…because who doesn’t love to take baths in their own secretions?  I think I’ll save mine, though,  to lovingly wash my sons’ mouths out with when they get to that sassy stage.  One time ought to do it.

3.  Did you know that people are eating their own placentas these days?  In case yours is just sitting around in the refrigerator going bad, here are some recipes you can use for dinner tonight.  I recommend the placenta lasagna, although the placenta spaghetti looks scrumptious too.  Well, guess what?   You can do the same with your breast milk.  But why would you wanna do something simple and completely uncreative like, say, just drink it when you can get so much more upscale and adventurous?  Inspired by the quickly-pulled-from-the-market, Baby Gaga breast milk ice cream, I’ve pulled our ice cream maker out and will be giving my husband and boys the creamiest, most immunity-boosting dessert of their lives after dinner tonight.  I can’t wait to see their delighted faces when I tell them what they just ate!  I’m not sure how far this one bag of breast milk will go but if I can pull it off, this lady has inspired me to whip up a wedge of Toulouse boob cheese as well.  I’ll save that one for when the boss comes over for dinner.

4.  Asher is a total lollipop addict.  Suckers are his favorite candy in the world and judging by the look on Meyer’s face when Ash eats one, I’m pretty sure he’d like to get his hands on some of them too.  How to make lollipops a bit more nutritious?  Hmmmm.  Of course!  The real nature’s candy:  nipple nectar lollipops.  I could just buy some from these guys but I’m stunned and disappointed to find out that there’s no actual breast milk in them.  They just taste like breast milk.  Well, that might be good enough for my husband but certainly not for my kids.  I insist that every single morsel that goes into their mouths pack the very biggest nutritional punch possible (no, I don’t) so I’ll make them myself.  I prefer to make everything at home myself anyway (no, I don’t).

Now that I’ve looked at all the options, I kinda wish I was still producing milk.  I had no idea I could’ve been feeding my whole family and not just the baby.  If you’re looking into ways to save money on your grocery bills, forget couponing!  Just keep lactating!


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