This is a real thing Archives - Toulouse and Tonic

Once Upon a Time, I Drank Your Wine This Morning.

January 12, 2014 by Toulouse 3 Comments

This.

This photo made me do a spit take. Like, a real spit take. With hot coffee.

And I keep laughing every single time I think about it. So much so that if I’m out and about, people will look at me like I’m crazy cuz I’m just cackling away to myself, shaking my head and mumbling, “I drank your wine this morning.”

So yeah, they probably think I’m more drunk than crazy. It’s been said before.

I first stumbled across these ironic Olan Mills-style photos taken by Danny Clark Photography of Dallas, Texas because of my friend and fellow blogger — the funny, quirky Kelley of Kelley’s Breakroom. She posted the same photograph above (sans graphics) on her Facebook page, and she actually knows the woman in the photo, whom she reports is a lovely person. Making me wish I knew her because she also obviously a) likes wine and b) has a sense of humor so we’d get along just fine.

Then because I kept dissolving into fits of giggles over the photo and needed to see if there might be more, I clicked through to Danny Clark’s Facebook page and found the motherlode of these funny, throw-back photos, including this little gem.

The photographer does this Holiday Throwback Portrait thing to raise money for charity (the Sunshine Kids) so Mr. Danny Clark gets a big pat on the back and possibility a golden statuette for creativity in charity work.

Check out this year’s Holiday Throwback Portraits 2013 and give Mr. Clark a like while you’re on his page.

I have little to share with you about the past week because I didn’t even write. My brain has been marinating in a thick fog of sugar, fat and cortisol for weeks now. And yes of course…wine too, my silver-haired lady friend. Always the wine.

Do check this out because I’m gearing up to attend a major party school this June and I’d really like for you to join me. You’ll probably learn some things too, as will I — making it a little more educational for me than actual college. It’s Blog U and I’m on the faculty. Shhhh. I promise you an A in my class if you’ll just come drink with me after hours.

In the meantime, I leave you with this little bedtime story. Once upon a time, I drank your wine this morning. The end.

Photos are from Danny Clark Photography’s Holiday Throwback Party to raise money for the Sunshine Kids.

Filed Under: Christmas & Chrismukkah, Mommy stuff, This is a real thing Tagged With: Blog U, Danny Clark Photography, throwback photos, wine

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Keep on Lactating and Save on Groceries For The Whole Family!

June 11, 2013 by Toulouse 20 Comments

You know that moment when you need to cook something for dinner but you haven’t been to the grocery store for a week? So you go to your freezer and are finally motivated enough to bend all the way down and move aside the ice crystal-covered frozen peas and half-black bunches of bananas that’ve colonized the lower shelves since 2010 to see if you can find something?

That was me this weekend. I didn’t find any elusive ground beef but I did find something else nutritious.

One lonely, forlorn bag of freezer-burned breast milk had somehow escaped that final week of “I’m done breastfeeding so now let’s use up this frozen stuff and get our freezer space back.”

There it was, like a creamy contortionist, frozen into its last pose.

It was weird to see it there all these months later, having said goodbye to the milk cow phase of my life back in September. I had flashes of breast pumps , of feeding tubes, of frustration and fear. And then just as quickly, I felt relief that we’re past all that and my baby is healthy and happy and eats like a pig with his actual mouth now.

I picked up the bag and stared at it, puzzled. What should I do with it? It’s almost a year old…I don’t think I wanna give it to the baby. But we are out of coffee creamer….

So I put the bag of breast milk back in the freezer and did what any normal mom (who spends way too much time on the internet) would do. I googled it. And found out there are a lot more options than I ever would’ve imagined.

Now I just have to figure out which one of these things my liquid gold will be used for. It’s a tough decision. After all, there’s only one bag.

1. Shall I preserve it into a piece of jewelry I can nuzzle in my bosom until the day I can pass it along to Meyer as a special momento of his mother’s love? If I do this, will Asher feel slighted that I didn’t save any of his breast milk to make cufflinks that he can show off at high school graduation? I was concerned this wasn’t the right choice for me until I read that Mommy Milk Creations has a special, patented process that keeps my “milk-bead” from turning yellow – ever. Well that’s a relief. Yellow breast milk jewelry is so 2010.

2. Clearly, the most hygienic choice would be to have it made into breast milk soap. Tin Roof Soap Company is ready and willing to make me a “loaf” of soap using the very own milk of my mammaries. They’ll cut it, cure it and send it back to me…because who doesn’t love to take baths in their own secretions? I think I’ll save mine, though, to lovingly wash my sons’ mouths out with when they get to that sassy stage. One time ought to do it.

3. Did you know that people are eating their own placentas these days? In case yours is just sitting around in the refrigerator going bad, here are some recipes you can use for dinner tonight. I recommend the placenta lasagna, although the placenta spaghetti looks scrumptious too. Well, guess what? You can do the same with your breast milk. But why would you wanna do something simple and completely uncreative like, say, just drink it when you can get so much more upscale and adventurous? Inspired by the quickly-pulled-from-the-market, Baby Gaga breast milk ice cream, I’ve pulled our ice cream maker out and will be giving my husband and boys the creamiest, most immunity-boosting dessert of their lives after dinner tonight. I can’t wait to see their delighted faces when I tell them what they just ate! I’m not sure how far this one bag of breast milk will go but if I can pull it off, this lady has inspired me to whip up a wedge of Toulouse boob cheese as well. I’ll save that one for when the boss comes over for dinner.

4. Asher is a total lollipop addict. Suckers are his favorite candy in the world and judging by the look on Meyer’s face when Ash eats one, I’m pretty sure he’d like to get his hands on some of them too. How to make lollipops a bit more nutritious? Hmmmm. Of course! The real nature’s candy: nipple nectar lollipops. I could just buy some from these guys but I’m stunned and disappointed to find out that there’s no actual breast milk in them. They just taste like breast milk. Well, that might be good enough for my husband but certainly not for my kids. I insist that every single morsel that goes into their mouths pack the very biggest nutritional punch possible (no, I don’t) so I’ll make them myself. I prefer to make everything at home myself anyway (no, I don’t).

Now that I’ve looked at all the options, I kinda wish I was still producing milk. I had no idea I could’ve been feeding my whole family and not just the baby. If you’re looking into ways to save money on your grocery bills, forget couponing! Just keep lactating!

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Filed Under: Funny Lists, Mommy stuff, Pregnancy, rants, This is a real thing Tagged With: breast milk, cheese, ice cream, jewelry, lactating, lollipops

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The Celebrity Baby Name Game

January 17, 2012 by Toulouse 19 Comments

My husband and I have had nothing but headaches trying to come up with a name for our upcoming baby boy. We’re almost 28 weeks along, and based on every other pregnant person I’ve encountered, maybe ever, we are already months behind schedule.

I’ve looked through every single name in our 100,000 baby names book, spent hours upon hours looking at crazy lists at nameberry.com, down to Famous Cross-eyed Authors Whose Names Start With The Letter Z.

When it comes to baby names, they’ve got it all at nameberry.

Except apparently what we want.

It’s not even that Gabe and I can’t agree with each other.

We’re both just totally blah about everything.

Our needs aren’t that great. Like most everyone (according to babycenter.com), we just want 2 simple qualities in a baby name: it has to be meaningful to us and it has to be unique.

So why is it so freaking hard?

After struggling to name our son, Asher, 4 1/2 years ago (we were forced to put something on the birth certificate on day 3 just so we could leave the hospital), we now find ourselves experiencing an even greater struggle this go around.

Maybe because we used up the one and only boy name we liked.

Or maybe…maybe we just weren’t thinking far enough outside the box.

But then, something happened.

Out of the birth canal of Kim Kardashian shot inspiration.

Inspiration named North West.

And suddenly I had it all figured out — the perfect way to come up with a meaningful-yet-unique baby name.

So follow along with me as we play the Celebrity Baby Name Game.

The first step is to think of your favorite direction, author, book or movie character, musician, plant, animal or place. Write down the name(s).

Second, jot down your favorite color, number or day of the week.

Don’t be married to the correct spelling of any of these words nor of course, to the rules of the game. If further inspiration strikes in the form of a favorite side in the Civil War, a weirdly spelled occupation or odd capitalization, throw that in too.

Try them out together.

Switch the order around to see which sounds more bizarre.

Call your personal assistant and order him or her to put on a baby bonnet and gurgle at you as you call them by the baby’s potential name for the next 24 hours. Did you hurl your cell phone at your “child” after repeating the name 39 times?

If not, you have yourself a winner.

If necessary, argue with spouse over the merits of Nor’easter versus Periwinkle versus TuezDay as a middle name.

Cry, pout, compare paychecks and/or latest television ratings or album sales.

Remind father that he’s calling himself Yeezus these days and is disqualified from naming anything.

Get your way.

Sign birth certificate.

Send out press release.

Pat yourself on the back and start entertaining magazine offers for Pomegranate Juggler’s first baby photos.

Here are some sterling examples of the Celebrity Baby Name Game in action.

Bear Blu (son of Alicia Silverstone and Christopher Jarecki).

Harper Seven (daughter of Victoria and David Beckham).

Ella Blue (John Travolta and Kelly Preston)

Sunday Rose (daughter of Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban)

Pilot Inspektor (son of Jason Lee and Beth Riesgraf)

Seven Sirius (son of Andre 3000 and Erykah Badu)

Moxie CrimeFighter (daughter of Penn Jillette and wife Emily)

Bronx Mowgli (son of Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz)

Blue Ivy Carter (daughter of Beyonce and JayZ)

And of course, bouncing baby North West.

You can see that Blue is a popular meaningful color and therefore destined to be on its way out. Even with the spelling modifications celebrities are surprising us with. Blue, Bleu, Blu and Bluer.

Go riskier with Magenta, Burnt Sienna and Turquoise.

Lucky number Seven is totally played out too. Se7en isn’t even cutting it anymore.

Let’s try getting into some double digits, even triple digits. Combine your lucky number with your husband’s. You can’t get much more unique than 314 when it comes to baby names.

Or Three14, just for good measure.

Thanks to Yezzus and Kim, directions are now in the mix. There are only 4 basic directions so you’ll have to get creative. Try UptheRoad or DownbytheLazyRiver.

Based on this wonderul, inspirational, wacky new game, I’ve come up with the following potential names for the baby I’m currently incubating.

Adam 4 (A shout-out to Adam Duritz of Counting Crows and my lucky number 4). Downside: too close to the name of a crappy old tv show.

AfriKan Violet (A real contender based on the fact that it accomplishes so many nods at once: a plant, a place, a color and an odd capitalization). Downside: having a boy. A white boy.

Saturday Pooh (Favorite day of the week plus favorite book, “The Tao of Pooh”). Downside: breaks the first rule of baby naming – do not name your baby after feces.

Harlequin Summerof0h4 (My favorite design element plus the time I fell in love with my husband). Downside: sounds like a hippie jester. Will definitely get his ass kicked all four seasons of the year.

Mardi Gras Monday (I’m partial to this one, featuring an event so festive most people can’t remember the vast majority of it the next week and of course, the lovely alliteration). Downside: it’s possible that naming your son after an incredibly drunken, debauched, weeks-long festivity might be a self-fulfilling prophecy that leads to long periods of time in which he cannot be located from his teen years on out.

That’s all I have for now but given a little time, my Celebrity Baby Name Game is sure to produce a winner.

Or a wiener.

Still on the fence on that one.

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Say my name, say my name, say my name…

Filed Under: Funny Lists, Mommy stuff, Pregnancy, rants, This is a real thing, Uncategorized, WTF? Tagged With: 100 000 baby names, Beyonce, Blue Ivy, celebrity baby names, correct spelling, inspiration strikes, Kanye West, Kim Kardashian, names book, North West, odd capitalization, pregnant person, Yeezus

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This Is A Real Thing, Part 3

June 23, 2011 by Toulouse 2 Comments

birthing doll from etsy.com

Disturbing.

Crocheted.

Hirsute.

Birthing Doll.

Did I mention hirsute?

A perfect precursor to a lifetime of therapy and/or sexual issues for your child.

Available on etsy.com for a mere $150.00.

I first laid eyes on “her” on this funny blog.

If you’re not disturbed enough already, go there and see “5 Unconventional Sex Ed Methods.” But be forewarned. There are more hairy, anatomically correct dolls, scary uterus plushies, and even some vagina faces. Don’t ask. Just see for yourself.

Filed Under: Mommy stuff, This is a real thing, Uncategorized