You know that moment when you need to cook something for dinner but you haven’t been to the grocery store for a week? So you go to your freezer and are finally motivated enough to bend all the way down and move aside the ice crystal-covered frozen peas and half-black bunches of bananas that’ve colonized the lower shelves since 2010 to see if you can find something?
That was me this weekend. I didn’t find any elusive ground beef but I did find something else nutritious.
One lonely, forlorn bag of freezer-burned breast milk had somehow escaped that final week of “I’m done breastfeeding so now let’s use up this frozen stuff and get our freezer space back.”
There it was, like a creamy contortionist, frozen into its last pose.
It was weird to see it there all these months later, having said goodbye to the milk cow phase of my life back in September. I had flashes of breast pumps , of feeding tubes, of frustration and fear. And then just as quickly, I felt relief that we’re past all that and my baby is healthy and happy and eats like a pig with his actual mouth now.
I picked up the bag and stared at it, puzzled. What should I do with it? It’s almost a year old…I don’t think I wanna give it to the baby. But we are out of coffee creamer….
So I put the bag of breast milk back in the freezer and did what any normal mom (who spends way too much time on the internet) would do. I googled it. And found out there are a lot more options than I ever would’ve imagined.
Now I just have to figure out which one of these things my liquid gold will be used for. It’s a tough decision. After all, there’s only one bag.
1. Shall I preserve it into a piece of jewelry I can nuzzle in my bosom until the day I can pass it along to Meyer as a special momento of his mother’s love? If I do this, will Asher feel slighted that I didn’t save any of his breast milk to make cufflinks that he can show off at high school graduation? I was concerned this wasn’t the right choice for me until I read that Mommy Milk Creations has a special, patented process that keeps my “milk-bead” from turning yellow – ever. Well that’s a relief. Yellow breast milk jewelry is so 2010.
2. Clearly, the most hygienic choice would be to have it made into breast milk soap. Tin Roof Soap Company is ready and willing to make me a “loaf” of soap using the very own milk of my mammaries. They’ll cut it, cure it and send it back to me…because who doesn’t love to take baths in their own secretions? I think I’ll save mine, though, to lovingly wash my sons’ mouths out with when they get to that sassy stage. One time ought to do it.
3. Did you know that people are eating their own placentas these days? In case yours is just sitting around in the refrigerator going bad, here are some recipes you can use for dinner tonight. I recommend the placenta lasagna, although the placenta spaghetti looks scrumptious too. Well, guess what? You can do the same with your breast milk. But why would you wanna do something simple and completely uncreative like, say, just drink it when you can get so much more upscale and adventurous? Inspired by the quickly-pulled-from-the-market, Baby Gaga breast milk ice cream, I’ve pulled our ice cream maker out and will be giving my husband and boys the creamiest, most immunity-boosting dessert of their lives after dinner tonight. I can’t wait to see their delighted faces when I tell them what they just ate! I’m not sure how far this one bag of breast milk will go but if I can pull it off, this lady has inspired me to whip up a wedge of Toulouse boob cheese as well. I’ll save that one for when the boss comes over for dinner.
4. Asher is a total lollipop addict. Suckers are his favorite candy in the world and judging by the look on Meyer’s face when Ash eats one, I’m pretty sure he’d like to get his hands on some of them too. How to make lollipops a bit more nutritious? Hmmmm. Of course! The real nature’s candy: nipple nectar lollipops. I could just buy some from these guys but I’m stunned and disappointed to find out that there’s no actual breast milk in them. They just taste like breast milk. Well, that might be good enough for my husband but certainly not for my kids. I insist that every single morsel that goes into their mouths pack the very biggest nutritional punch possible (no, I don’t) so I’ll make them myself. I prefer to make everything at home myself anyway (no, I don’t).
Now that I’ve looked at all the options, I kinda wish I was still producing milk. I had no idea I could’ve been feeding my whole family and not just the baby. If you’re looking into ways to save money on your grocery bills, forget couponing! Just keep lactating!
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I just weaned my youngest last month, and I was so glad to put away the pump FOREVER! Too bad I used up all of my frozen milk. I especially love your plans to wash out your sons’ mouths with breastmilk soap! If that doesn’t clean out a dirty mouth, I don’t know what will!!
Nicole @ Work in Sweats Mama recently posted…Help End Child Hunger
I found a bag of frozen breast milk at my parents’ lake house when the “baby” was about 11. It would still be there, hidden in the depths of the freezer, if the fridge hadn’t died and had to be cleaned out and replaced.
You know how the “cream” always rises to the top of the breast milk? Well, I think you should make butter out of yours.
Dyanne @ I Want Backsies recently posted…A Kitchen Mystery and Proof That My Cats Are Dumb Like Foxes
Well…until menopause hits…I can still lactate. I haven’t breastfed in over 4 years. But the milk keeps on keeping on. I guess this is not unheard of and when I go for a long run…let’s just say I’m glad I sweat like no other motha……my sister is in her 50s and no sign of menopause yet? This should be an easy 5 lbs to loose when I hit peri-menopause!!!!
Evil Joy recently posted…Time…PTSD…Perspective
I bet it makes a great White Russian too. It’s strange, given my predilection toward anything involving boobs, breast milk kinda creeps me out. I think this stems from a time I was staying with my friend Pam and she offered me some for my morning coffee. From the fridge I mean, not directly from the source. That might have been even more disconcerting…. Or totally awesome….
I wish I’d read this post before I donated all of my breastmilk. Harumph!
Bad Parenting Moments recently posted…Not Amused.
OMG! Dyin’ over here. We used up every bag to the last drop. Should have saved some to make jewelry.
Oh, please, please make a pudding with it! Maybe a pistachio? I would totally would have it if I could have produced enough. At a minimum, put it in your husband’s latte. Don’t let it go to waste!
Kim- One Classy Motha recently posted…Free Advice Friday! You too can be a winner!
Disgusting and fabulous and completely hilarious!! I wish I still had some breast milk hiding out in the freezer because it would totally gross out my boys!!
Amanda recently posted…She Sees Dead People. Not Me. Her.
I found this post fitting, I still have some breastmilk stashed in the back of my freezer as well. It is long past it’s shelf life. When I see it in the fridge, while digging for food to eat I glance at my hard work that has gone to waste. I gave up breastfeeding a little over 7 months ago. It was bittersweet and I will miss nursing my baby. Maybe one day I’ll get around to tossing out the last of the breast milk.
Christy Garrett recently posted…12 Tips to Keep Your Child Safe on the Playground
Ha! Who knew it had so many uses?
Shell recently posted…Easy Kids Crafts: Personalized Kids Cups
Breastmilk jewelry!?! Wow. I think that one’s my favorite. Your doodle of breasts a-sprayin’ over the picture had me laughing my butt off. I now have so many helpful suggestions for putting my freezerful of milk to good use. Hilarious post – thank you.
Kate (Shakespeare’s Mom) recently posted…Linking Up
All the different uses for human milk crack me up. I found my old bags before they went “bad” and were able to give them to another mama. Great post!
Sara recently posted…Fantastic Mr. Fox Syndrome
All great ideas, but why pay to have someone form it into a bar of soap? Why not just squirt it into the tub & give your kids a milk bath?
One Funny Motha recently posted…KittyRama
After all the work I put into pumping out that milk, you bet I would be feeding it to someone. I am not sure I want to wear it or bathe with it but someone is drinking it!
I vote donate to local animal shelter – it could be like one of those pictures of the freak person feeding the homeless kitten. Except maybe they can rig some sort of contraption. This could totally be a win.
The Shitastrophy recently posted…Ketchup With Us #27 – Fall
I love your sick creativity!
I remember there being a big scandal in the newspaper abbout breast milk ice cream and how people were all excited to make it and eat it but then there were worries about the cleanliness of it. THe best suggestion you make is making the soap and then washing out their mouths with it when they are bad. Excellent, my dear!!
sparkling74 recently posted…Falling Down
Hey thanks! I am known for my good advice. NOT. ; )
I found a bag of breastmilk from 2010 in my freezer and just can’t bring myself to chuck it out. Now, thanks to you, I’ve got some great ideas on what to do with it.
The ice-cream has Wub Boo written all over it!