Toulouse and Tonic

As we’ve discussed before, I’m not a big talker. That’s probably why I sit behind my computer just tippy-typing all day long. That way, I get to say whatever I want and I only have to say it once. Geez, I hate repeating myself. I hate it so much that If I had the time, resources or patience, I’d just record all of my ~~rants~~ opinions on my iphone and then press play whenever someone asked me something.

Another big bonus to my methods are that I don’t have to listen to all the asinine opinions of people who disagree with me either. I mean, you can type it out in the comments section of my blog if you want to…and if you make me laugh, I’ll approve it whether you disagree with me or not (Check out the comments on my post The Top Ten Ways To Get Your Husband To Leave Work on Time to see what I mean – a couple of guys put some serious time into their responses). But if you’re sanctimonious or stupid or boring…DELETE! As Bobby Brown would sing, “That’s my prerogative.” If you don’t like it, start your own blog and slave away for free like me.

All of this is my ranty way of leading up to my new list: Things I Would Never Say. It’s probably a better way to get to know me than a list of the things I would say.

1. Your kid sounds really smart and talented…tell me more.

2. Can I borrow your beach umbrella? I can’t stand the sun.

3. No, I don’t want to go to Anthropologie.

4. Preschool is a waste of money. I’d rather just keep my kids with me at all times.

5. Sure you can practice on my hair.

6. I’d just love to get a 3rd dog.

7. I can be ready in 10 minutes.

8. I hate being alone.

9. I’m thinking of homeschooling.

10. Why would someone need more than 2 pairs of shoes?

11. I’m just dying to go for a run.

12. I get a lot of satisfaction from cleaning my house.

13. Jeans never go out of style. I’m still wearing mine from high school.

14. I don’t drink.

15. Why would anyone waste their time reading US Weekly?

16. No need to call…just drop by anytime.

17. I’d be happy to chair that committee.

18. I can’t wait for winter.

19. I love to chat on the phone.

20. Let’s just get a tent and go camping for the weekend.

So there you have 20 Things I Will Never Say. My husband insists this entire post is an inside joke and no one who doesn’t know me personally will get it. But I’m super-stubborn and always think I’m right so I’m posting it anyway.

So I guess another thing I”ll never say is “I’m wrong.” HA!

Wanna play? What are a few things you’ll NEVER say?

Hey — something else I know I’m right about? The impressive funniness of the other bloggers featured in “my” upcoming book, “I Just Want To Pee Alone.” Here are some links to some of their funniest stuff for you to chortle at before the book comes out. Just look at the titles…your finger will get all clicky. And yes, I said “chortle.” It’s a thing.