Bed Rest, Day 10
Baby’s Gestational Age: 28 weeks, 5 days
Reading: Steve Jobs biography; assorted magazines
Watching: Arrested Development, Season 1; The Big C, Season 1
Not watching because the hospital doesn’t have a channel they really, absolutely, definitely should have: Bravo
Since there seem to be so many people out there who are clearly devoid of a filter and/or who have no idea when to shut their pie-holes, here is a (noncomprehensive) list of things not to say to a person who’s been confined to their hospital bed.
Use it as a jumping off point.
You’re bound to think I made some of these up for comedic effect but I want to assure you that each and every one of them has been said to me in the last 10 days.
Yes, even #1.
And to the person who said #3. You know who you are. And you bet your ass I’m gonna get even with you one day.
Top 10 Things NOT to Say To A Person on Bed Rest
9. You wouldn’t believe the steak I had last night. (I will kill you with my bare hands if you come in to visit me. Unless you bring me a steak. I eat terrible pot roast from the cafeteria every single day. Because it’s terrible, and it’s still the best thing they have).
8. What a great opportunity to catch up on your TV! (I do not have a DVR. Nor a DVD player. I have a very limited amount of channels on the TV above my hospital bed, which I am NOT ALLOWED TO GET OUT OF. Do you know how much trash is on TV?)
7. At least you don’t have to worry about going to the gym. (Yes, that’s true. Instead of working out or say, walking, I have to lie here in this uncomfortable bed all day with pressure bandages pumping up and down on my calves so I don’t get BLOOD CLOTS from not being able to get up and make my blood flow around with some movement.)
6. Wow. You’re not gonna see your dogs for months. (Thinking about cuddling with my dogs is making me cry my eyes out. Thanks.)
5. You must really miss your bed at home. (Yes, Captain Obvious. Let me sit here and ruminate on my big, comfortable bed at home, those soft sheets…because I really need to be thinking about that while I lie in this small, hideously uncomfortable bed a Red Roof Inn would reject.)
4. How are you? (Slight pause) Weeelllll, I’ve got the flu again. (Hmm, the flu sounds MUCH worse than what I’m dealing with, having to stay prone in bed all day in a hospital and not see my loved ones and eat total hospital cafeteria shit and ya know, wonder if my 3-month pre-term *baby is gonna all out of my vagina waaaaay too early.) *click the link to see what happened.
3. I just had 2 Patron shots in your honor. (Isn’t it awesome that you’re at a bar and not in a hospital for, potentially, the next 2 1/2 months? And that you can DRINK ALCOHOL? Thanks for letting me know all of that. Somehow, I don’t feel HONORED. But next time I see you, I’m gonna HONOR you with a punch in the groin.)
2. Is the baby gonna have a lot of problems if he’s born this early? (Well, yes. Yes, he will. Thanks for bringing that up.)
1. I’m pretty sure I got MERSA when I was in the hospital. (Wow. Ya know I LIVE in the hospital, right?!!! And that mersa is one of the most deadly things you can catch. And that there’s a BABY inside of me?)
So there you go. The top 10 things not to say to a person on bed rest, even if you’re well-meaning. Instead, pack up a great home-cooked meal, the trashiest magazines you can find and your extra DVD player and pop over for a visit. But call first. Pregnant women are especially ornery. In case you can’t tell.