Stop Talking About It

Posted on March 8, 2012 by ashersmom

Because what's funnier than a hamper on your head?

This morning, while in the bathroom washing my face, I overheard this exchange between father and 4-year-old son:

“Take off your pajama pants and put on your jeans.”

Followed by various animal and other unintelligible noises and the sounds of pattering feet.

“Here, take these and put them on — we’re gonna be late for school!”

The swooshing sounds of someone larger trying to catch someone quick and small.

“Here, put your foot in!”

“I gonna do it ALL BY MYSELF!”

“Then do it.”

Two minute pause while my husband comes into the bathroom to brush his teeth then exits again.

“Asher, put on your pants!!!” And I can only assume Gabe then tried to hurry up the process by helping.

“No! I gonna do it ALL BY MYSELF!”

And this is the part that really caught my attention. Words of wisdom tossed off in the chaos of the morning rush.

“Well then stop talking about doing it, and do it.”

Gabe heard me laughing and came back into the bathroom.

“What?” he said.

“Words of wisdom,” said I.

And we laughed.

But we both know they really are.

Those words resonate with me. I feel like I’ve done some talking about doing things that was not followed by doing those things in my life, and if I have any regrets, that’s one of them. I’d love my son (both of them actually) to be the kind of person who stops talking about things and just does them.

That would make me very proud.

Whatever it is he’s doing.

As long as he’s doing.

With all the usual caveats about criminal activities and so forth.

I love my sons with all my heart. More than I ever thought I could love anyone.

I’ll always love them with the overwhelming intensity that is being a mom. But beyond loving them, my wish for their futures is that they become people I admire.

This one thing I’m talking about doing and actually doing every day of my life. Trying to do at least some small thing to effect this.

It’s a job I take seriously.

Although sometimes we just sit around and talk about how stinky things are.

Because we can only be serious for so long.

Stand and Deliver

Posted on February 29, 2012 by ashersmom

The Fleet men

This past week was a time of milestones for my boys.

Meyer hit 33 weeks gestation (even though he’s gestating in an incubator now) and according to BabyCenter, became a pineapple weighing in at 4 pounds. He’s starting to look more like a baby and less like some skinny, wrinkly old man alien. When I hold him, which is still restricted to about 30 minutes per day (yes,it’s making me insane), I actually feel like something’s in my arms now. Apparently, a pineapple.

And Asher decided it was milestone time for him as well. He decided it was time to pee standing up.

The child was slow to potty train in the first place — he was one of those kids that could care less about what anyone thought. All the mentions in the world about how his friends were all going potty had no impact on the kid. He still hates interrupting his play to go potty, and it gets him in trouble sometimes because he waits until the last second.

I’ll suddenly hear this urgent, “I need to go potty!” and I know there’s a 50-50 chance he’s gonna start to pee before his pants are all the way down.

We did, however, finally manage to convince Asher to jettison the pull-ups and use the potty, but he’s been just fine sitting down to pee until about 2 weeks ago.

That’s when I casually mentioned to him that his “best friend” at school, Josiah, stands to pee, like a big boy.

Me and my boys

Which I’m clearly just assuming is true.

Suddenly, Asher no longer wants to sit on the potty to pee. And it’s all because of me.

And with my 2 weeks experience in having a son who pees standing up, I’m left wondering…what the hell was I thinking?

When he was sitting to pee, the pee went were it was supposed to. Pretty much exclusively in the potty.

Now?

Pee goes everywhere.

Pee goes every freaking where.

It generally starts out either shooting high at the open lid of the toilet or low by shooting at Asher’s pants. And shoes. And the floor.

Then a sudden overcorrect will take it to whichever one of those areas at which it didn’t start.

Within a few seconds (you’d be shocked at how much pee can get in the wrong places in just a few seconds), a steady stream of pee will go right into the potty where it’s supposed to.

But my panicked yelling from seeing streaming pee hit various inappropriate parts of my bathroom then causes him to get the giggles which in turn causes him to wag his wee-wee around like a flashlight in the hands of someone in the Blair Witch Project.

And then the pee starts to go everywhere.

It’s on the wall, the baseboards, the base of the toilet, his step stool, his socks, his shoes, the cuff of his pants, the floor.

No one told me that having boy children means you’ll be scrubbing up someone else’s urine several times a day.

This woman’s work is not glamorous.

So much for my pre-kid vision of me as a mom: shopping and lunching while my kids sit quietly by my side looking adorable.

After 4 years of real life mothering, that fantasy is officially dripping with pee.

What the Donkey Said

Posted on April 4, 2010 by ashersmom

If your phone number is stored in my iphone, don’t be surprised to end up with a voicemail message that’s mostly silence punctuated by animal sounds. This happened to my friend, Kathy, last week. She’s smart enough to have figured out more or less what happened. I probably would’ve spent some time wondering if I had a farmer for a stalker.

This was Kathy’s text message to me: “I think Asher got your phone and called me yesterday. Had a 2-minute message and I heard a toy donkey!?!”

In case you haven’t heard, the iphone is the coolest invention ever. Gabe gave me one for my birthday last May and Asher has taken over my obsession with it. He’s two and he can open and close applications, play games, and apparently make prank phone calls.

My first thought about him playing with my iphone went something like this: Oh, hell no. Hell to the no. Hellllllll NO. This was a situation in which my child was not whining.

My second thought about him playing with my iphone went something like this: Well, as long as he doesn’t drop it, it could be really helpful right now. This was a situation in which we were in the grocery store, in the last aisle, I had used every trick I had to keep him happy, and still needed to go back and find the 3 random things I missed on the first go-round, then check out.

I opened a free toddler app I’d downloaded on advice from a friend, handed it to him, and poof! he transformed from about to blow a gasket to quiet, focused and engaged. I was pretty nervous about my phone being in those nubby little mitts so I tried to cup my hand under it as he played. Meanwhile, Asher thought I was trying to take the phone away from him and proceeded to wildly snatch it away. So there’s my iphone jerking around 4 feet above the ground in the hands of someone who can’t reliably hold onto a Cheezit. Still, for the time being, the benefit outweighed the risk.

My third thought about Asher playing with my iphone went something like this: The apps he plays are really educational and good for the development of his fine motor skills. This was a situation in which, well, it was a Sunday. He wanted to play with my phone. I wanted to write about him playing with my phone.

A few downsides worth noting:

1. The addiction factor. Try to take it away and see a full-tilt tantrum. I give Asher a 2-minute warning. He screams anyway.

2. Sticky kid-goo will be all over your phone. Spray a cloth a with a little vinegar mixed with water and wipe down. Then spray down the kid.

3. Be careful around toilets. I know a 2-year-old who decided to test out his mom’s iphone for floatability. It didn’t.

So, depending upon which philosophy you currently hold regarding your toddler and your iphone, here are some app recommendations that are truly, ahem, educational and definitely engaging.

Elmo’s Monster Maker ($2.99)

Tots build their own monsters, choosing hats, eyes, mouths. The monsters dance, interact with Elmo — your kid can even take pictures of their creations to store on your iphone. And yes, you’ll find your camera roll loaded to the eyeballs with random monster pics.

Shape Builder ($.99 or try the lite version free)

Slide colored shapes around to complete puzzles of musical instruments, firetrucks, animals…like the donkey who left a voicemail for my friend, Kathy.

Balloonimals($1.99 or free lite version)

Blow into your phone to inflate the balloon (if your kid’s like mine, your phone’s gonna end up really wet), shake it to twist into place, and touch it to animate. Even your grown-up playmates will have trouble keeping their hands off this one.

Colorama($.99)

A coloring book for your iphone. Use your fingertip to color in the drawings.

Go to the itunes app store and search the names above to download. At least put one of the free lite versions on your phone — just in case. Trust me, there’s gonna come a time when you’ll be really glad you did.