This past week was a time of milestones for my boys.

Meyer hit 33 weeks gestation (even though he’s gestating in an incubator now) and according to BabyCenter, became a pineapple weighing in at 4 pounds. He’s starting to look more like a baby and less like some skinny, wrinkly old man alien. When I hold him, which is still restricted to about 30 minutes per day (yes,it’s making me insane), I actually feel like something’s in my arms now. Apparently, a pineapple.

And Asher decided it was milestone time for him as well. He decided it was time to pee standing up.

The child was slow to potty train in the first place — he was one of those kids that could care less about what anyone thought. All the mentions in the world about how his friends were all going potty had no impact on the kid. He still hates interrupting his play to go potty, and it gets him in trouble sometimes because he waits until the last second.

I’ll suddenly hear this urgent, “I need to go potty!” and I know there’s a 50-50 chance he’s gonna start to pee before his pants are all the way down.

We did, however, finally manage to convince Asher to jettison the pull-ups and use the potty, but he’s been just fine sitting down to pee until about 2 weeks ago.

That’s when I casually mentioned to him that his “best friend” at school, Josiah, stands to pee, like a big boy.

Which I’m clearly just assuming is true.

Suddenly, Asher no longer wants to sit on the potty to pee. And it’s all because of me.

And with my 2 weeks experience in having a son who pees standing up, I’m left wondering…what the hell was I thinking?

When he was sitting to pee, the pee went were it was supposed to. Pretty much exclusively in the potty.

Now?

Pee goes everywhere.

Pee goes every freaking where.

It generally starts out either shooting high at the open lid of the toilet or low by shooting at Asher’s pants. And shoes. And the floor.

Then a sudden overcorrect will take it to whichever one of those areas at which it didn’t start.

Within a few seconds (you’d be shocked at how much pee can get in the wrong places in just a few seconds), a steady stream of pee will go right into the potty where it’s supposed to.

But my panicked yelling from seeing streaming pee hit various inappropriate parts of my bathroom then causes him to get the giggles which in turn causes him to wag his wee-wee around like a flashlight in the hands of someone in the Blair Witch Project.

And then the pee starts to go everywhere.

It’s on the wall, the baseboards, the base of the toilet, his step stool, his socks, his shoes, the cuff of his pants, the floor.

No one told me that having boy children means you’ll be scrubbing up someone else’s urine several times a day.

This woman’s work is not glamorous.

So much for my pre-kid vision of me as a mom: shopping and lunching while my kids sit quietly by my side looking adorable.

After 4 years of real life mothering, that fantasy is officially dripping with pee.